Tag Archives: internet

Who is John McAfee?

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Usually when somebody thinks of the titles “software developer” or “computer pioneer” this is what they think of –



the mouse-over text for this pic on the Bill Gates wiki is literally "a middle aged caucasian man wearing business attire and glasses".

the mouse-over text for this pic on the Bill Gates wiki is literally “a middle aged caucasian man wearing business attire and glasses”.





People think of nerds. Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Steve Wozniak, Ken Thompson and Dennis Ritchie. Bespectacled geeks who look like they spend all their time hunched over a monitor. No time for a social life, these guys need to sacrifice their hygiene so we can have all the wonderful technology we enjoy today.



Then there’s John McAfee.



John McAfee was one of the first people to make virus combating software. After working as a programmer and developer for places like NASA and Lockheed, he founded his own antivirus company in 1987. A few weeks ago he made this video.







Huh.



Okay, that was pretty funny. Not sure what the point was but obviously he’s trying to set up some fake Charlie Sheen-esque persona with the whole snorting generic bath salts through a crazy straw surrounded by guns and strippers –



You'd think a millionaire like him could afford name brand bath salts.

You’d think a millionaire like him could afford name brand bath salts.





I guess he’s trying to juxtapose his actually nebbish personality since he’s a nerdy computer guy, right?



Wrong.



If you want to read some crazy shit just go to the section of his wikipedia entitled “legal troubles. Apparently, after selling off his company he moved to Belize to write books about yoga and bang 17 year olds. The police raided his home on suspicion of drug manufacturing and possession of an unlicensed weapon. He fled the fucking country because he was listed as a person of interest in the shooting death of one of his neighbors. The prime minister of Belize said McAfee was “paranoid. Bonkers, even”. He was caught in Guatemala and faked a heart attack in jail to avoid extradition. Now he’s living in Portland and making youtube videos with strippers.



So why did he make that video? To promote his website which seems to serve three purposes. To post conspiracy theories, give moral support to Edward Snowden and to promote the biography, graphic novel and documentary he’s making about his life. The biography is being written by George Jung. That name might sound familiar to you because he’s the cocaine baron that was the basis for the movie “Blow”.



No big deal. We all have that buddy of ours who's an international drug lord.

No big deal. We all have that buddy of ours who’s an international drug lord.





Holy shit, dude. Are all computer pioneers like this? Is Bill Gates sporting a “thug life” tattoo under that sweater vest? Did Steve Jobs fake his death to elude the Yakuza? I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE ABOUT NERDS ANYMORE.

Fuck Off Friday: How To Food

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This is what the internet was built for. Telling people they’re wrong.

This is the comic that got me started on XKCD.

This is the comic that got me started on XKCD.

Usually, people do so because they want to be *right* damnit! But they disguise it as being helpful, or educating, or whatever. Because doing so for your ego would be wrong, and then *you’d* be the one wrong on the internet.

Recently, websites have been telling me I’ve been doing food stuffs all wrong.

The first one of these I saw was an article posted on Facebook titled “So Apparently, We’ve Been Cooking Corn Wrong Our Entire Lives.” When I first saw that, my response was “YOU DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO, INTERNET!!! I’LL COOK MY CORN HOW I LIKE!!! HOW DARE YOU?!?!?”

You're not my real mom!!!

You’re not my real mom!!!

Then I clicked the link. The internet was right. I owe it an apology, but I’m going to sit on it for a bit. I’ll let it haunt me for a while, til I build up a huge guilt complex over it, and then I’ll awkwardly bring it up at a party, and the internet will be like “oh that? Naw, we cool.”

A couple days later, Bill told me he just read an article about how you’re supposed to eat an apple top to bottom, and then there’s no core. I responded “YOU DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO, HUSBAND!!! I’LL EAT MY APPLE HOW I LIKE!!! YOU CAN’T CHANGE PHYSICS BY EATING AN APPLE DIFFERENTLY!! YOU DON’T SCIENCE!!!”

I haven’t tried it yet, but I bet I’ll owe him an apology, too. I mean, he’s not getting one. He’ll forget in like 5 minutes anyway.

On that article I noted several links, so I’ll put them here for you:
So Apparently, We’ve Been Using Ketchup Cups All Wrong
So Apparently, We’ve Been Using Tic Tac Containers All Wrong
So Apparently, We’ve Been Using Chinese Takeout Boxes All Wrong
So Apparently, We’ve Been Using Soda Cans All Wrong
So Apparently, We’ve Been Eating Strawberries All Wrong
So Apparently, We’ve Been Eating Cupcakes All Wrong

Yes, these are all from the same awesome website FoodBeast.com, where you can learn about business card cheese graters and typography cakes. It’s a fantastic site where you can kill a lot of time studying a coffee chart. But they aren’t the only food site on the internet, and they’re not the only ones to tell me what to do.

Here’s a video on how to speed peel a potato:

Chill soda in two minutes:

And holy shit do I have to try this one- speed peel an egg:

These and many more are brought to you by Sprint. Cause you want to be fast when you Sprint. Get it? That’s adorable marketing right there.

Another YouTube series telling me how I’m doing things wrong is a CHOW series titled “You’re Doing It All Wrong” Think you know how to open sparkling wine? Think again.

Anyway, that should be enough for a while. I have to go fold laundry, which I’ve probably been doing wrong this whole time.

Yup.

Slacking on the Job Taken to a Whole New Level

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My job isn’t very easily defined. I’m 1 part homemaker, 1 part learning coach for an online student, 1 part YoungNotions managing person, and 2 parts Fearless marketing director.

As a marketing director, I spend a lot of time online. On our website, on Facebook promoting events, on Twitter. For YoungNotions, I’m doing the same, but only promoting 1 company, not 7. On top of writing half the articles (ahem). As a learning coach, I log on to my son’s online school to record attendance and keep up with his classes. Even as a homemaker, I’m online looking up bread recipes.

My point is, I have found ways to spend the majority of my time on the internet that I love.

I made it myself!

I made it myself!

What I have NOT tried in my quest for more internet time is to outsource my job.

ABC (which is fast becoming my favorite in wacky news) reports that a man (ABC calls him Bob) was caught personally outsourcing his job to China. He was getting rave reviews from his managers on his incredible work. All the while, some dude in China was getting a 6th of this guy’s paycheck for doing all his work.

It was going so well, Bob started doing the same thing with a couple other companies. So when he got caught at this one, several other dudes in China lost their jobs.

And what was Bob doing with all that free time? Stellar reporter Julie Gerstein from “The Friskey” found the answer:

9:00 a.m. – Arrive and surf Reddit for a couple of hours. Watch cat videos.
11:30 a.m. – Take lunch.
1:00 p.m. – Ebay time.
2:00 p.m – Facebook/LinkedIn updates
4:30 p.m. – End of day update e-mail to management.
5:00 p.m. – Go home.

This is absolutely deplorable. He should be ashamed of himself. All that free time, and not one minute of Twitter or Steam.

Keeping People in the Internet Loop

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I have a love/hate relationship with the internet. Usually it’s love. I mean, I did post about how I suspect the internet fathered my child. There’s a lot of love to be had. It gives me so much.

But today, I’m mad at the internet. I made a lovely post about how I was going to switch out hosting servers over the weekend, and the first thing I did was change the domain name to my new hosting site.

And then I waited for the DNS to propagate. I waited some more. And then, after waiting, there was more waiting.

I’m still waiting. Just as many of you are waiting for me to explain what the hell DNS is and why this upsets me.

It’s easiest to think of the internet as a city. Not this city:

I still remember my old neighborhood and street address. No, I'm not telling you what it was.

I still remember my old neighborhood and street address. No, I’m not telling you what it was.

…but a city with addresses. Now, when you think of a web address, you’re probably thinking of the URL or the domain name (such as youngnotions.com or www.penisland.net). But those aren’t the actual address for the location of the website. They just get you there.

Let me explain.

The actual location is the IP address. You’ve probably seen this before when trying to set up your fancy new wireless modem for HOURS, talking on the phone with Comcast before you give up and call your 14 year old niece to come fix it, which she does in 5 minutes, and she also fixed the slowness issues you’ve been having, and found your porn stash which you cleverly titled “important documents” but she’s not going to bring it up with you, just pretend that she never saw those tentacles or KitchenAid appliance.

Seriously dude. You’re into some weird shit.

The IP address is a series of numbers like 169.254.0.16 that give the actual location of the server on the network. So, it’s easiest to think of the IP as the actual street address, like 1234 Main St. (yes, nerds. I know it’s not a perfect analogy. This is why you can’t talk to real people. Shut it.) If the IP address is the street address, the domain name is like the nickname of the place, or the name of the establishment. If I told you I was visiting the pentagon, you know where I’m talking about, even if you don’t know the street address for the pentagon. People in that area know how to get there, but might not know the actual street numbers. Also, I can tell my husband that I’m going to Ben’s house, and he know where that is without knowing the street address.

Well, actually, maybe not. We know a lot of people named Ben.

Now, on the internet, we keep track of domain names through the DNS, or domain name system. Right now, you’re thinking of one giant computer holding onto all those location nicknames, but it’s actually several computers that talk to each other on a fairly regular basis. Like a gossip circle, if you tell one of those computers, soon all the other computers will know. They chatter at each other all the time about what shoes you wore that day, and where so-n-so lives now, and it’s such a nice neighborhood… so much better than that run down shack they used to live in, though the kitchen is a little small, but you can’t have everything, I suppose.

Why no! I didn't hear about the new domain host. Please go on...

Why no! I didn’t hear about the new domain host. Please go on…

The point it, you all have friends that have everyone’s address. Let’s say one of those friends is Betty. And you’re supposed to go to Bob’s new housewarming. So you call Betty to get Bob’s address. But she doesn’t know he’s move yet because usually Char keeps her up to date on Bob’s happenings, and they haven’t talked yet today, so she gives you Bob’s old address. Well, now you’re at Bob’s old house with a bottle of wine and a boardgame, and no one to share them with.

Look nerds, I know that’s not the perfect analogy either, but seriously, NO ONE CARES. Shut your trap.

That’s basically where YoungNotions is at right now. We’ve moved down the street, and we told the people we usually tell, but they haven’t talked to their friends yet, so youngnotions.com is still telling people to come here to wordpress.

WHICH IS REALLY FRUSTRATING because I told Char 2 DAYS AGO and she still hasn’t let everyone know where I live. How can I have people over to my new place? Come on, Char. We’re all waiting on you.

So I hate the internet. I’ve been mad at it all morning. But then it gave me Bob Dole’s campaign website from 96, and www.howmanypeopleareinspacerightnow.com.

Awe, Internet… I can’t stay mad at you.

Internet Love

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I love technology. I love computers. And I absolutely love the internet. I kinda want to make out with the internet. Were it legal, I would leave Bill and marry the internet.

Let me tell you about the start of my internet romance.

Before Al Gore invented the internet, we had archaic computer communications in the form of Bulletin Board Systems (BBS). They were pretty neat. You could post messages and others could respond to them, kinda like internet forums or message boards nowadays. Only no pictures. Just text. Maybe if you were lucky, some really shitty ASCII art.

The homo erectus of the internet. According to new world creationists, this never existed.

When I was 10, I would connect to BBS via the Apple IIe and a 300 baud modem over a telephone line. I’m trying to think of a comparison for the kids, but I can’t. I would start the connection, go make myself a sandwich, eat said sandwich, wash the dish, and then maybe the computer would have connected and the Board loaded. Usually not.

I would spend all weekend on the BBS… until I discovered the internet. IT HAD PICTURES!!!!! I dropped BBS like a bad lan line connection and never looked back. I had my first website hosted on a Berkely server in 95, then moved to geocities…

Love at first site.

I have spent thousands of hours on the internet, searching every nook and corner of it. I got a programming degree and helped build some of it. I spent so much time web programming that I once wrote java script WHILE ASLEEP IN A DREAM.

Why do I bring this up? I think my son was actually fathered by the internet.

This morning, I made him eggs and toast for breakfast. I call him to the breakfast table, and he says “ERMAHGERD! ERGS ERN TERST!!!”

He commonly asks for things starting with the phrase “I CAN HAZ?”

When ever something upsets him, he says “Sad face.”

I think he considers LOLCATS pets.

HIS HAPPY FACE LOOKS JUST LIKE AN EPIC FACE!

Today he talked about his eggs and toast in ERMAHGERD, and I looked at him and said “You are a human being! YOU ARE NOT A MEME!!!” Shortly thereafter, he excused himself from the table with BRB, and then gave me a huge LOL and scurried back to his computer.

Sigh. He is JUST like his father.

Art Cat

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This is a real thing. It’s happening tonight. Not even a mile from my house. And I almost missed it.

The Walker Art Center, and let me reiterate, THE WALKER ART CENTER… That metal building between Uptown and Downtown… no, not the curvy one on the East Bank, that’s the Weisman Art Museum. The OTHER metallic art building. The one with the giant spoon and cherry on their lawn.

The one that Bill says looks like a happy monster from one angle:

HAPPY!!!

And an angry monster from the other:

ANGRY!!!

As an aside, Bill was so convinced that the architect did this on purpose this way that he one time called the Walker up and asked. He was told the building was actually inspired by a snowflake. What? I got it. Totally.

The Walker Art Center, one of the most prestigious and celebrated art museums for contemporary art in… well, I don’t actually know, but around here, anyway… they are holding a film festival tonight. A film festival so very daring, it not only defies conventional contemporary art, but spits in its face, steals it’s lunch money, and kicks sand in its eyes. A film festival so very contemporary and modern, I’m pretty sure other art critics are mocking it behind its back in appreciation.

Ladies and Gentlemen, tonight, for one hour, and one hour only, you can participate in Walker Art Center’s very own “Internet Cat Video Film Festival.”

I’ll give you a moment to let the weight of that sink in. True art needs a moment for full appreciation.

You see, what they’ve done is taken cat videos off the internet, and combined them into an hour long film festival that will take place outside, projected onto a giant screen.

I have a couple of critiques:

    1) I have a problem with calling anything one hour in length a festival.
    2) Mosquitoes.

Other than that, I think this is pure genius. Think about it. Who is this going to appeal to? Little kids and cat ladies. People who are not generally known for their refined taste in modern art (although, if you want to reproduce modern art, you could ask either to draw you something. I kid, mostly).

What you will see tonight is a hill full of crazy cat ladies and pre-teens with their parents who are trying to find a way to connect with their generation. Maybe someone will bring their cat on a leash (cats love leashes). They will all sit on the grass. Outside. Not in their houses on the internet, not surrounded by their hordes of newspapers and stacks of trinkets and candy bowls. They will be outside. That magical realm where few of these species ever dares to go, unless it’s to go back inside.

They will be outside, and they will appreciate something happening at an art center. Are internet cat videos art? Who can say? But they will all be there, gathered, appreciating it. And out of the corner of their eye, they might see a giant spoon with a cherry on it, and it will become a part of their experience, and maybe, just maybe, they will appreciate that, too.

If you can’t bring them to the art, maybe you can bring the art to them.

Well played, Walker Art Center. Well played indeed.

Hot Mummy Armpits: The Continuing Tale of You Weirdos Typing Crazy Shit Into Search Engines.

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This is pretty much a monthly thing now.



Once again I dive head first into the site stats to see what google searches led people to this blog because the only thing in the news right now is the Sandusky trial and something about Russia protests. I really don’t have anything to say about Sandusky except “I hope he goes to jail forever” and I don’t know anything about Russian politics. Also, I don’t want to get on Vladimir Putin’s bad side. Does not seem like the kind of guy you want to fuck with.



There are like two dozen pics of him on his wikipedia page and all but one contain this same cold, analytic stare. The one with him smiling seems even more terrifying somehow.




But enough about the scary Russian man. Let’s see what you freaks have been typing into google!


hot mummy armpits
Jesus. The worst part is that this could be one of two things and both are gross. There’s either somebody out there with one of the most specific fetishes I’ve ever heard of (I’m into monsters but only mummies and particularly their armpits) or it’s a british dude looking for old lady armpits.


any websites that you can ask women to take their bra off
Yes. Half of the internet is those sites. It’s called porn. Do… do you not know that porn exists?


does anybody like bitches?
I like to think that this was entered by a girl who was nice but thinking of becoming a bitch but wanted to know if that was the right move.

To answer the question, no. Bitches be crazy.


chinese horizontal vagina anatomy
Okay. I kind of remember referencing something in a blog a while back about that weird old stereotype about Chinese girls having sideways vaginas but I couldn’t actually recall when I wrote about it so I actually googled “youngnotions chinese sideways vagina” (life imitates art!) and I found this piece of finely crafted political satire.

What’s weird about this one is that this search shows the user isn’t completely stupid, given their use of words like “horizontal” and “anatomy” but it shows they’re pretty stupid because they’re asking the internet if Chinese girls have sideways vaginas.


the log ride turds
…I don’t even know what this person wants.


why does my dick shine in the light
Probably because you spend so much time waxing it! Boom! High five!

Seriously though you should have a doctor check that out if it’s really shiny.


Thanks for reading, confused perverts! Hopefully you were able to have some laughs even though you didn’t get the naked sasquatch pictures you were looking for or whatever.

Interview: Craigslist Rants and Raves.

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After yesterday’s interview with Matt Olson I realized a few things.



1: I think I can say, without ego, that I’m really awesome at interviewing people.

2: Interviews are super easy to write. You only have to write half an article. That’s probably why magazines had so many interviews back when they were a thing that existed.

3: We were almost out of almond milk. I was able to fix this by going to the store and buying more almond milk.


Now this won’t be all interviews, all the time but it’s nice to know if I’m running out of ideas I can always interview my 11 year old stepson or my neighbor that looks like a homeless Marc Maron. Today I’ll be interviewing the the Rants and Raves section of Craigslist.


For years, the Rants and Raves section of craigslist has been home to opinions too inflammatory to be shared on sites like facebook or twitter (due to lack of anonymity) but too stupid to be shared on sites like 4chan or reddit (even those people have standards). I sat down with Rants and Raves to talk about their life, their loves and their opinions of black people.


Bill: Thanks for taking a few minutes to talk to me. I know you must be really busy.



CLR&R: BIGGEST WASTE OF MONEY EVER, NASA SPACE PROGRAM TRILLIONS LOST ON THAT (BRIGHT PEOPLE THERE), SPEND $ TRILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO DUMP 100S OF TONS OF GARBAGE IN OUTER SPACE WHILE ACCOMPLISHING NOTHING,WHOS THE IDIOT THAT THOUGHT OF THAT? WONDER HOW MUCH CORRUPTION WAS INVOLVED, CANT SMOKE A CIG ANYWHERE BY LAW BUT EVERY LAUNCH CREATED ENOUGH SECOND HAND SMOKE EQUAL TO 500 QUAD TRILLION CIGARETTES,NO WONDER YOU CAN’T SEE STARS ANYMORE THE GOV CHOKED OFF THE SKIES SO BAD YOU CAN’T SEE EM,



Bill: You do have a point. We should be able to smoke anywhere because of spaceships. You’ve been pretty active, politically. Do you support any particular party or candidate?



CLR&R: facts. not all independent people are rich but all rich people are independent but all independent people are free , no dependent person is rich or free .

doesnt get much more self explanatory than that . i might not be rich but damned if im giving up my freedom .

...wha?





Bill: So… are you saying Kerry’s like… Dukakis? But neither of them are running this… whatever. Let’s talk about the current administration. You’ve said some pretty critical things about the president in the past.



CLR&R: The only truth (USA). The pictures tell it all.

but Hitler and Stalin were enemies in... nevermind.

wait. are you trying to say... I'm having a hard time seeing this as not racist.





Bill: Okay. It seems like part of your problem with the President is his race. Care to comment on that?



CLR&R: Tupac. Tupac Shakur ,from my understanding was just another Richie Rich spoiled litte boy whose thing was “He liked to spit on other people”. My what a great role model. No wonder somebody shot the P.O.S. And no wonder, that these other P.O.S. are getting shot on a regular basis. If it has always been like this I can see why they had lynchings . No offense meant but if thats how they act murdering assaulting robbing raping etc string them up. Thats what they did with white murdering assaultive rapists assholes who try to spit on other people.

Hey Tupac how did that spitting on people work out for ya?



Bill: Huh. Listen, we’re running out of time here so could you just kind of wrap it up with something racist, conservative, local and confusing all mashed up together?



CLR&R: Minnesota Killing Down 99% (Hooded Rat’s Welfare). lease say no to more cop’s & yes to Ziggys new playground for his overpayed and underplayed playmates. The hooded rat’s have killed 4 in two days in the twincitys. Hoodrats with asses hanging out, make we the people the asses.. Voters I.D. Gay-Rights should take the weak minded away from the real problems of the State.



Bill: Thanks. This was really fun.



CLR&R: WTF IS FACEBOOK FOR? SNOOPY PEOPLE? (I WOULDN’T GIVE EM $5 DOLLARS FOR CO). FACEBOOK ONLY FOLLOWS PEOPLE AROUND LIKE A STALKER, WHAT IS FACE BOOK FOR ANYWAY? SOCIALIZE? EVER HEAR OF A PHONE? IT’S THAT THING YOU DIAL, I SIGNED UP ONLY TO DISCOVER U CAN’T DELETE YOUR ACCOUNT SO THEY CAN FOLLOW A PERSONS PERSONAL LIFE FOREVER, I THINK IT IS JUST AN ADVERTISING ENGINE.



Bill: I’m… just going to go now.


For more information on craigslist rants and raves, ask a crazy racist.