Fuck Off Friday. You Feeling Lucky?

Bill here. I’m taking care of the FoF post today since Jena’s getting ready to roll around in the mud in Shakopee for 7 weekends in some strange pagan ritual called the Minnesota Renaissance Festival. There’s only one problem. I’m not sure what to write about. I guess the point of these is to find fun internet time wasters but all I do while Jena’s gone to the Ren Fest is eat Little Caesar’s pizza and watch shit on Hulu. A list of links to my favorite shows isn’t going to make for much of a post and nobody needs to know how much anime I watch (way too much).



Not a problem. I’ll just google some shit and do the “I feel lucky” option. Maybe do a post about the shit I find doing that.



Alright. Slight problem.



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Everytime I start to type something into the google search bar it autocompletes and the “I’m feeling lucky” bar disappears. I wonder what’ll happen if I just hit “I’m feeling lucky” without even typing anything into the search bar. Has anybody even done that? Where will the internet take me?



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Huh. When I mouse over the “I’m feeling lucky” button it does a slot machine reel into another word. What happens when I click “I feel wonderful”?



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Neat! What about when I click “I’m feeling trendy”?



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Well how about that? There seems to be plenty of choices when I mouse over. “I’m feeling artistic” will take you to the Google Cultural Institute which I didn’t even know was a thing –



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There’s tons of more “I’m feeling” choices, too. I’d say I could do this all day but once the wife and kid are gone I’m going to get a Little Caesar’s pizza and watch stuff on Hulu and Netflix until my eyes glaze over.

Fuck Off Friday: How To Food

This is what the internet was built for. Telling people they’re wrong.

This is the comic that got me started on XKCD.

This is the comic that got me started on XKCD.

Usually, people do so because they want to be *right* damnit! But they disguise it as being helpful, or educating, or whatever. Because doing so for your ego would be wrong, and then *you’d* be the one wrong on the internet.

Recently, websites have been telling me I’ve been doing food stuffs all wrong.

The first one of these I saw was an article posted on Facebook titled “So Apparently, We’ve Been Cooking Corn Wrong Our Entire Lives.” When I first saw that, my response was “YOU DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO, INTERNET!!! I’LL COOK MY CORN HOW I LIKE!!! HOW DARE YOU?!?!?”

You're not my real mom!!!

You’re not my real mom!!!

Then I clicked the link. The internet was right. I owe it an apology, but I’m going to sit on it for a bit. I’ll let it haunt me for a while, til I build up a huge guilt complex over it, and then I’ll awkwardly bring it up at a party, and the internet will be like “oh that? Naw, we cool.”

A couple days later, Bill told me he just read an article about how you’re supposed to eat an apple top to bottom, and then there’s no core. I responded “YOU DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO, HUSBAND!!! I’LL EAT MY APPLE HOW I LIKE!!! YOU CAN’T CHANGE PHYSICS BY EATING AN APPLE DIFFERENTLY!! YOU DON’T SCIENCE!!!”

I haven’t tried it yet, but I bet I’ll owe him an apology, too. I mean, he’s not getting one. He’ll forget in like 5 minutes anyway.

On that article I noted several links, so I’ll put them here for you:
So Apparently, We’ve Been Using Ketchup Cups All Wrong
So Apparently, We’ve Been Using Tic Tac Containers All Wrong
So Apparently, We’ve Been Using Chinese Takeout Boxes All Wrong
So Apparently, We’ve Been Using Soda Cans All Wrong
So Apparently, We’ve Been Eating Strawberries All Wrong
So Apparently, We’ve Been Eating Cupcakes All Wrong

Yes, these are all from the same awesome website FoodBeast.com, where you can learn about business card cheese graters and typography cakes. It’s a fantastic site where you can kill a lot of time studying a coffee chart. But they aren’t the only food site on the internet, and they’re not the only ones to tell me what to do.

Here’s a video on how to speed peel a potato:

Chill soda in two minutes:

And holy shit do I have to try this one- speed peel an egg:

These and many more are brought to you by Sprint. Cause you want to be fast when you Sprint. Get it? That’s adorable marketing right there.

Another YouTube series telling me how I’m doing things wrong is a CHOW series titled “You’re Doing It All Wrong” Think you know how to open sparkling wine? Think again.

Anyway, that should be enough for a while. I have to go fold laundry, which I’ve probably been doing wrong this whole time.

Yup.