Fuck Off Friday: Facebook Ads!

Posted on June 21, 2013 by Bill

Okay, kids! It’s Friday and that means it’s time to find something fun to do here on the internet to distract us from thinking about the inexorable march of time that will one day consume us all.

…Alright! Let’s make some internet mischief!

I was originally shown this fun little activity by my friend Becca and I’ve been doing it on facebook whenever I get bored. Facebook has those little sidebar ads and you can hide particular ads if you don’t want to see them anymore.

When you choose to hide an ad, facebook asks why you want to hide the ad and gives you a list of options to check. One of the options is “other” and you can type any reason you’d like.

Any. Reason.

For example, on the above ancestry.com ad I wrote “My family first emigrated to America fleeing Ireland because they were horse thieves. I’m afraid that if I research my family tree on ancestry.com that the descendants of the family we stole the horses from will come to me looking for the descendants of the horses we stole. I’m not ready to give up those horses.”

On this one for Netflix I just wrote “I AM THE CEO OF BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO”.

“Before I got married there was this girl I liked but I never asked her out because I was too shy but I’m pretty sure she knew I liked her and now she works for Grainger and I don’t want her to think I’m stalking her.”

“My horse thieving grandparents were killed by a laser eyed hipster cat you son of a bitch!”

I doubt anybody ever reads these little notes I send to facebook’s ad team (other than the NSA. Zing!) but hopefully all this info is being gathered to tailor ads for me better.

I doubt it, though, since I haven’t received any sidebar ads for horse thief legal defense.

Michele Bachmann is the Reason I Drink

Posted on May 29, 2013 by Jena

It’s 8am and I’m already drunk.

I woke up early this morning. Before my alarm. For anyone who knows me, this is kind of a big deal. But I had this feeling that something big was going to happen today. Like, the spidey sense of comedy was tingling. I could sense the danger.

So I did what any good comedian does when they want to get the latest from what’s tickling society, and hopped on Facebook.

Here is what I saw:

This isn’t even a tenth of them…

(Two of the stories in this picture are other liberal propaganda against Republicans. One of them was intentional, and one was not. The one that wasn’t was the Obamacare story. But Hell if I’m going to fix it now.)

I saw all this, and I started drinking. Not just because I’m an alcoholic, but because this is truly a sad, sad day for us.

YoungNotions is going to have to close up shop.

There is no way we’re going to be able to bring you the same quality articles we brought you in the past. I just did a search, and in just over 2 years of the comedy website’s posts, 3 pages of the results were about Michele Bachmann.

We brought you Michele Bachmann fellating a corndog.
We’ve shared in her crazy lies and crazy eyes.
We’ve discussed the restraining order on her from God.
We’ve reveled in her financial woes.
We’ve outed her jealousy of other women in politics.

And we’ve talked about Bill’s absolute and complete obsession with her repeatedly. And by we, I mean Bill.

But all of that is going away. Because Michele Bachmann is not going to run for re-election.

I actually have this pic in a YoungNotions folder on my desk for frequently used images.

When I heard the news, I reached for the nearest bottle of alcohol (rubbing) and just downed the entire thing. I’m super angry. Angry that she’s making comedy harder on me. Angry that she’s removing the bread and butter of our comedy site. Angry that I’m going to have to start doing actual research on things going on instead of making cheap shots about how her husband is probably gay.

Actually, I think that joke is pretty lame. One, because I hate it when people tell me I’m a different orientation than I am, and Two, because it’s super lazy. Like, way lazier than either Bill or I. And that’s pretty lazy.

Mostly, I was angry that she didn’t wait until tomorrow to do so. Because tomorrow is both Bill’s turn to write the blog AND his birthday. It would have been the best birthday ever. Like a life sized hot chick made of chocolate with a boozy inside (I didn’t get him one of those, either). Instead, she’s like that awkward friend who ruins the surprise party by talking about how they’ll see the person being surprised the next day at the surprise party they don’t know about.

Way to ruin my husband’s birthday, Michele. Way to ruin YoungNotions. AND WAY TO RUIN AMERICA!!!

And my liver.

You Can Find Anything On Ebay, Baby.

Posted on March 20, 2013 by Jena

A couple weeks ago, YoungNotions announced that we would no longer be doing those shitty text ads advertising ways you can make money at home. We got tired of supporting products we didn’t believe in for a tenth of a Euro. I don’t even know what that translates to in American, but it’s just not worth it.

Instead, we made a Facebook post offering limited sponsor placement for people we like. I would rather our space gets used to promote products and people we believe in. YoungNotions.com is our baby, and if we’re going to sell her, we want it to be to people we like and trust.

You know. Like Misty VanHorn, who is said to have tried selling her children on Facebook to raise funds to bail her boyfriend out of jail.

“The going price was $1,000 for her 10-month-old daughter and … $4,000 for a package deal that included her 2-year-old son.” -firsttoknow.com

And now we know which child she values more.

But Misty is not the only person to attempt selling her children on the internet. A woman in Dallas tried to sell her 4 month old on Criagslist (price not listed), and just so you don’t think it’s only Americans, a German mother tried to sell her 7 month old baby on eBay starting at one Euro. She says she did it as a joke, but eBay shut her down and turned her in just the same.

And she received no bids before she was shut down. That poor baby’s self-esteem must be just awful right now.

Baby selling isn’t just for the internet. One woman tried to sell her baby for $500 at a Taco Bell (would you like that to go?) and one couple at Walmart attempted to sell their 8 month old for just $25.

You really can’t beat the prices at Walmart.

Most of these attempted sales are shitty situations, people that shouldn’t have children, selling them off for drug money. And I say let them. Obviously they shouldn’t have their children if they’re going to use. It’s a win-win.

I did try to find a story where someone sold their child for something other than drugs. I chased down an internet rumor that someone sold their child for Beyonce tickets but it turns out that was just a photoshopped headline passed around the internets for amusement. No one actually tried to sell their baby for tickets to a Beyonce concert.

Look, it’s about economics. The going rates for a baby is at least two Eric Clapton balcony seats.

YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK

Posted on March 19, 2013 by Bill

Not to brag but I’m friends with the president on facebook. It’s a pretty exclusive list.

Just me, Barry and 35, 298, 515 of his closest friends.

Really it’s just his PAC posting a bunch of pictures and quotes and whatever. I “liked” his page during election season and every now and then some pic from his page pops up on my timeline. Usually something cute and benign like this one that was posted on St. Paddy’s day –

A beer on St. Paddy’s day! Just like me! So relatable!

You might think it’s endearing, you might think it’s dumb, you might think it’s a cheap ploy to appeal to people, whatever. It’s a picture of the prez. having a beer on St. Paddy’s day. I usually just see a pic like that and keep scrolling down my timeline but this time I decided to check out the comments.

Big mistake. Don’t read the comments. Never read the comments on the president’s facebook posts. Nothing good can come from the comments.

Sure, there’s plenty of people just commenting “yay Obama”, plenty of spam comments but why all the hate comments? Why do you even follow the president on facebook if you think he’s a muslim socialist antichrist? This is one of the most benign comments –

MAH TAXES!

There were plenty variations of the above comment. “and how much did this beer cost THE AMERICAN PEOPLE?” “How about you quit wasting my tax money and do your job?!?” etc. Every second the president is not doing his job he is wasting valuable taxpayer dollars. Does he look like he’s signing a bill into law in that picture? No? QUIT SLACKING AND DO YOUR JOB, BARRY.

Where’s your long form certificate of intoxication?

I’ve seen about a half dozen comments that just up and claim it’s photoshopped. I call these people conspbeeracy theorists.

and finally –

Of course there’s a muslim one. There’s so many muslim ones. This one doesn’t even accuse him of being muslim. This lady’s just pissed that there are muslims that like him. Dirty, dirty muslims.

Jesus. The guy can’t even have a beer. Oh well. How about they just post a pic of him at the office with some visitors?

aw, cute.

GODDAMNIT.

The Sexbook of Fucking!

Posted on February 15, 2013 by Bill

Every now and again I check my spam email just to see if there’s anything that will make me laugh. Usually it’s just unintelligible nonsense or stuff where the subject line is “hi ;)” and the message is just a link to a site that’s sole purpose is giving computer AIDS but every now and again there’s some unintentional hilarity. One time there was one for penis enlargement that said “YOU DESERVE TO BE A GIANT” –

CANADIAN CIALIS.

and just recently I got one that invited me to “The Fuckbook of Sex!”

Awesome. It’s like the sex scam ripoff of social networks is evolving. First there was fuckster, then myscrew, Pinkdin (for the professionals), twatter, fistagram etc. The problem is that Facebook has been around and dominated for so long that the sex scam sites have to keep thinking of new ways to market it. It started with “The Facebook of Sex!” then evolved to “Fuckbook” and now for some reason it’s “The Fuckbook of Sex!” Eventually it’ll probably become “facefuck” and eventually just “fuckfuck”. It’s like that scene in Idiocracy –

I decided to google “fuckbook” just to see what would turn up. Now, I didn’t click on any of the results because I’m certain the moment I do these things will steal my credit card information and replace it with dog-on-cat porn but the results themselves are pretty great. Here’s some of my favorites –

if they’re the original how come they couldn’t snag “.com”? “.net” is for porny-come-latelys. Everybody knows that.

Fuckbooking for adults, fuckbooking for teens, there’s a fuckbook out there for everybody!

Just what is fuckbook, anyway? I know what facebook is and I know what fucking is but how would the to ever go together? HELP ME!

Do you like fuckbooking but hate how corporate fuckbook has become? Here’s 50 DIFFERENT WEBSITES THAT OFFER THE SAME THING.

and just to see what would happen, I typed “fuckbook” into facebook’s search bar and this is what I got –

The fuckbook is now in the facebook.

Fuckbook. It’s a local business, an album, an entertainer, author, magazine, and two communities.

It’s fucking everywhere.

Slacking on the Job Taken to a Whole New Level

Posted on January 18, 2013 by Jena

My job isn’t very easily defined. I’m 1 part homemaker, 1 part learning coach for an online student, 1 part YoungNotions managing person, and 2 parts Fearless marketing director.

As a marketing director, I spend a lot of time online. On our website, on Facebook promoting events, on Twitter. For YoungNotions, I’m doing the same, but only promoting 1 company, not 7. On top of writing half the articles (ahem). As a learning coach, I log on to my son’s online school to record attendance and keep up with his classes. Even as a homemaker, I’m online looking up bread recipes.

My point is, I have found ways to spend the majority of my time on the internet that I love.

I made it myself!

What I have NOT tried in my quest for more internet time is to outsource my job.

ABC (which is fast becoming my favorite in wacky news) reports that a man (ABC calls him Bob) was caught personally outsourcing his job to China. He was getting rave reviews from his managers on his incredible work. All the while, some dude in China was getting a 6th of this guy’s paycheck for doing all his work.

It was going so well, Bob started doing the same thing with a couple other companies. So when he got caught at this one, several other dudes in China lost their jobs.

And what was Bob doing with all that free time? Stellar reporter Julie Gerstein from “The Friskey” found the answer:

9:00 a.m. – Arrive and surf Reddit for a couple of hours. Watch cat videos.
11:30 a.m. – Take lunch.
1:00 p.m. – Ebay time.
2:00 p.m – Facebook/LinkedIn updates
4:30 p.m. – End of day update e-mail to management.
5:00 p.m. – Go home.

This is absolutely deplorable. He should be ashamed of himself. All that free time, and not one minute of Twitter or Steam.

How to Stop Facebook Game Invites

Posted on January 8, 2013 by Bill

It’s happened to all of us. You see this –

Oh boy!

and your hopes are raised. It’s a facebook notification! What could it be? Did somebody like a hilariously witty post of yours or comment about how handsome you are on one of your photos? You click on it and –

Goddamnit!

It’s a stupid game invite.

I get about a half dozen of these a day. People on my friends list inviting me to play some dumbass game on facebook. What really pisses me off is that I know they don’t care. It’s not like they’re playing Frontierville or Mafia Wars and suddenly think “OMG this game is so fun! My friend Bill would probably love to play this! I should let him know!” These games are nothing more than straight up pyramid schemes and players get rewards for spamming their friends. I know this because I totally used to play those games all the time.

I’m not proud but I used to be one of those people that sent out game requests all the time. I eventually realized what I was doing (or just became bored) and stopped playing them. In my experience facebook games can be separated into two categories: THE SPAM MACHINE and THE KINDA ACTUAL GAME.

THE SPAM MACHINE is the text based RPG like Mafia Wars or Superhero Wars or War Wars. The model is loosely based off games like Hobowars and Kindom of Loathing but they’ve taken out all the story, dialog, puzzle solving and fun. In these games you basically “go on missions” (click a button) until you level up. You belong to a guild that is nothing more than the number of people on your friends list who have started an account with the game. The bigger your guild is, more missions you can complete. You can also fight other guilds. If your guild is bigger, you win the fight.

Most of the SPAM MACHINE games only allow you to complete so many “missions” in a given hour but will give our extra missions or other in game bonuses simply for inviting friends every day. These games are turning people into Nigerian Princes every day.

THE KINDA ACTUAL GAME are flash games that actually have a little bit of entertainment merit, depending on your taste. These are Angry Birds, Bejewled, Farmville (although Farmville does have some SPAM MACHINE qualities) etc. These games don’t require you to have a bunch of friends play but still offer plenty of in game bonuses for having friends play.

Either way, if you receive an invite to play any of these games. Your friend doesn’t give a shit about you or actually think you might like it. You’re just another brick in their Castleville. If you want to stop these invites from flooding your notifications bar, here’s what you need to do.

Call them out on their shit.

Yes, I know that you can block certain game requests but this attacks the problem at it’s source.

The next time you receive a game request on facebook. Just write a message on that person’s wall. Something like –

“Thanks but really don’t want to play Bubble Blitz.” A little too polite. Might not drive the message home.

“I DO NOT WANT TO PLAY BUBBLE BLITZ” or “STOP SENDING ME GAME REQUESTS”. Assertive. To the point.

“FUCK YOU I DON’T WANT TO PLAY BUBBLE SHITS OR WHATEVER. IF YOU SEND ME ANY MORE GAME REQUESTS I WILL EAT YOUR FUCKING SOUL.” A little too agressive. Will probably result in that person unfriending you.

Sending the person who sent you the game request a mesage could also stop the game requests from coming but by posting it on their wall you’ve made it public. They know that these requests aren’t wanted. If they did, they’d post on your wall about it instead of sending you a private notification. If they get four, five or more posts on their walls from different people telling them to stop then they’ll just stop sending requests all together. Every farmville will wither and every Mafia will be gunned down.

R.E.M is Still Waiting

Posted on December 21, 2012 by YoungNotions

I don’t want to write today’s article about the end of the world. First, because it’s cliche. Second, because it’s not. Third, there is no joke someone else hasn’t made.

Seriously. My Facebook feed is filled with them. My personal favorite were the Apocalypse Pick Up Lines. I won’t post other people’s jokes without permission, but you should totally post yours in the comments. Mine was “Will You be Mayan?” I also once sent a Valentine that said “I choo-choo-choose you” and it had a picture of a train on it.

Ralph Wiggam is my favorite Simpson’s character.

About 5 of my friends made jokes about having to still pay their bills. And Oh. My. God. the Facebook pictures.

The ones leading up:

And then the day hit:

Perth is having a day:

I had to make the Galactus one bigger.

People are expressing their disappointment:

Some people have been using the opportunity to promote various things:

As an aside, you should totally do this. Not this post. Their post.

But mostly? Nerds:

I’m sorry kids, but I’m going to have to side with Batman on this one:

It’s too bad there isn’t anything else going on today…

Note the lack of Christmas tree. Us Christians stole it from you pagans fair an square!

Happy Winter Solstice and Joyous Yule, you hippy heathens!

What Day Is It?

Posted on November 6, 2012 by Jena

I feel like there’s something I’m supposed to do today.

Hmmmmm……..

Maybe I’m missing something… I wish my friends would let me know.

What? I can call Chris Kluwe a friend. We hung out in a basement and played video games for charity. We’re like BFFs. No big deal.

If only I had some clue… something to tip me off…

Make sure to read Chris’ post in there. It’s nerd-perfect.

Okay, fine. Yes, it’s voting day. There wasn’t a moment that I didn’t know that today, because this morning, Bill woke me up with “work told us to go vote first and then we will start our workday do you wanna come vote with me huh do ya” like a little kid on Christmas morning. My original plan was to go at 2 in the afternoon because that’s when no one else will be there, but he was just so goddamned excited over this I had to say yes.

So we woke up the boy, and brought him with us to go vote. We all stood in line. Bill and I signed a piece of paper and were given tickets. We went to the next table and were told how to fill out our ballots. We went to the NEXT table and got our ballots. We sat down at a table and filled out our ballots. Then we turned in our ballots and got our stickers.

I did it all for the sticker.

Democracy, bitches.

At just about every table, people asked jokingly if Jared was voting. Honestly, it’s gotta be so dull in there, with all these serious people people being very serious about their serious duties to seriously make the serious choices. Seriously. Jokes (and the Youngs provided a couple) were probably the best “thank you” we could have given them.

When I went to vote, Jared sat next to me and I pointed out various parts of the ballot. I told him not to share, as privacy during voting is very important. We talked afterward why not voting on an amendment counts as a no. We talked about how you could bring a list of who you were going to vote for. And we talked about how important it is to vote.

It sounds like I did voting correctly, right? Like ours is pretty much the example of how you should vote? As a family, teach the next generation as I go? Proud to be participating in the greatness that is our electoral process?

Dead wrong, kids. Once I got back, I hopped on Facebook, and had this conversation with master voter Chris Olsen:

High five!

Kids, if you haven’t voted yet, please, PLEASE promise me you’ll take joy in it. We all get so jaded and so serious and so stuffy over our duty, but remember the fact that we have the right is FUCKING AWESOME! That we don’t live in a dictatorship, that no one is pointing guns at us, forcing us to “vote” for a specific person. The fact that we get to have a say in WHO is leading our country… It’s one of the best parts of being an American! We should be voting with glee!

And we should totally be going out for ice cream after. Who doesn’t like ice cream?

Communists, that’s who. Don’t be a commie. Eat ice cream!

How to Have a Drunken Facebook Political Agrument.

Posted on April 5, 2012 by Bill

Step 1: See something you disagree with –

Oh I do not agree with that!

Step 2: Make it known that you disagree with the thing. Be sure to throw some profanity in there. Let’s them know you’re up for a fight –

Step 3: Get a response and attack back with numbers and links!

Fun fact: If you're chatting online with me you can tell how drunk I am by how smart I'm trying to sound. The drunker I am, the smarter I try to sound.

Step 4: That last step seemed a little impersonal? Throw in a couple more comments as a “fuck you”. Doesn’t matter if they haven’t commented back yet. In fact, commenting multiple times in a row uninterrupted scores you extra points.

getting druuuunnnk noooooowwww!

Step 5: Drum up some support from your like minded friends on your own wall.

Drinking, facebook drama and a mention of Dr. Who? Now I've got my friends listening.

Step 6: Inadvertently piss off the wife.

No I didn't... but I... what I mean is...

Step 7: A new contender! So many words! Fight back, damnit!

so damn druuuunnnnk noooooowwwww

Step 8: More words!

My last comment got cut off by the screen cap but does it really matter? Do you really need to see what I said?

Step 9: Realize What you’re doing.

SOMEBODY HELP ME.

Step 10: Pass out. Wake up the next morning. Realize the other guy posted two huge comments in response to your last thing. Ignore it.

It’s that simple!

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