Tag Archives: corn

Fuck Off Friday: How To Food

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This is what the internet was built for. Telling people they’re wrong.

This is the comic that got me started on XKCD.

This is the comic that got me started on XKCD.

Usually, people do so because they want to be *right* damnit! But they disguise it as being helpful, or educating, or whatever. Because doing so for your ego would be wrong, and then *you’d* be the one wrong on the internet.

Recently, websites have been telling me I’ve been doing food stuffs all wrong.

The first one of these I saw was an article posted on Facebook titled “So Apparently, We’ve Been Cooking Corn Wrong Our Entire Lives.” When I first saw that, my response was “YOU DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO, INTERNET!!! I’LL COOK MY CORN HOW I LIKE!!! HOW DARE YOU?!?!?”

You're not my real mom!!!

You’re not my real mom!!!

Then I clicked the link. The internet was right. I owe it an apology, but I’m going to sit on it for a bit. I’ll let it haunt me for a while, til I build up a huge guilt complex over it, and then I’ll awkwardly bring it up at a party, and the internet will be like “oh that? Naw, we cool.”

A couple days later, Bill told me he just read an article about how you’re supposed to eat an apple top to bottom, and then there’s no core. I responded “YOU DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO, HUSBAND!!! I’LL EAT MY APPLE HOW I LIKE!!! YOU CAN’T CHANGE PHYSICS BY EATING AN APPLE DIFFERENTLY!! YOU DON’T SCIENCE!!!”

I haven’t tried it yet, but I bet I’ll owe him an apology, too. I mean, he’s not getting one. He’ll forget in like 5 minutes anyway.

On that article I noted several links, so I’ll put them here for you:
So Apparently, We’ve Been Using Ketchup Cups All Wrong
So Apparently, We’ve Been Using Tic Tac Containers All Wrong
So Apparently, We’ve Been Using Chinese Takeout Boxes All Wrong
So Apparently, We’ve Been Using Soda Cans All Wrong
So Apparently, We’ve Been Eating Strawberries All Wrong
So Apparently, We’ve Been Eating Cupcakes All Wrong

Yes, these are all from the same awesome website FoodBeast.com, where you can learn about business card cheese graters and typography cakes. It’s a fantastic site where you can kill a lot of time studying a coffee chart. But they aren’t the only food site on the internet, and they’re not the only ones to tell me what to do.

Here’s a video on how to speed peel a potato:

Chill soda in two minutes:

And holy shit do I have to try this one- speed peel an egg:

These and many more are brought to you by Sprint. Cause you want to be fast when you Sprint. Get it? That’s adorable marketing right there.

Another YouTube series telling me how I’m doing things wrong is a CHOW series titled “You’re Doing It All Wrong” Think you know how to open sparkling wine? Think again.

Anyway, that should be enough for a while. I have to go fold laundry, which I’ve probably been doing wrong this whole time.

Yup.

MEANWHILE, IN THE OFFICES OF THE HUFFINGTON POST

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EDITOR: Great job watching yesterday’s Daily Show, Colbert Report and Rachel Maddow, writing descriptions of what you saw and posting those descriptions with embedded videos of said shows, people! What’s next on the docket?



“WRITER”: We still need a top story for tomorrow, sir.



EDITOR: Okay, we need a headline! Something that people need to know! Something that will grab their attention! Serious journalism aggregation!



“WRITER”: Well, there’s an AP article on the summer drought causing a corn shortage…



EDITOR: Any way we can link this to Romney?



“WRITER”: Well, not really.



EDITOR: Then you’re wasting my time, kid!



“WRITER”: But this is really important stuff! A shortage of corn could be disastrous. We use corn for so many things! It’s used in so many food products, it’s used to feed livestock, even ethanol gas is made from corn! This can affect food prices and fuel prices. A shortage of corn in this shakey economy could potentially lead to a national crisis!



EDITOR: Hm. Good point. Okay, you convinced me! Sprinkle on the usual “according to the Associated Press” and “the article said” throughout the original piece and throw it up on the site! Now all we need is a headline…



“WRITER”: Okay, I was thinking something that would really convey the severity of the issue.



EDITOR: I got it! Let’s use a corn pun!



“WRITER”: …Saywhatnow?



EDITOR: Yeah! A corn pun! That’s what’s needed to jazz this boring old article up! Something like “Aw Shucks!”.



“WRITER”: You can’t be serious.



EDITOR: I’ve been repurposing newswire articles for nearly a decade and I’ll be goddamned if I get told how to do my job from some snot nosed kid straight out of UNC! If you want the article on the front page it’s going up with a corn pun!