Ten years ago I went to Grumpy’s in downtown Minneapolis to get a spot at a brand new open mic hosted by this new comic I met a couple times at ACME. It was in a narrow side room and the tiny stage was occupied by a soundboard and, for some reason, a man. A large, intimidating man with wild hair and a beard sat on the stage so comics had to perform in front of the stage while he loomed over him.
The comic was Chris Maddock and the ominous shadow was Stand Up! Records owner Dan Schlissel. Thankfully, they figured out that The sound board and therefore Dan didn’t need to be onstage. I kept coming back week after week because it was a fun room, my friends were there and they give a drink ticket to each comic that performs. Most open mics don’t do that. I’ve done at least 150 sets there. That’s a lot of free drinks.
Anyway, I’m not going to get too much into the history or how Grumpy’s open mic has gained a rep as the toughest room in the country because most of that was covered in a great vita.mn article that I would totally link but I’m writing this on an iPod. I will, however, say this.
Chris and his open mic are a shining example of one of the best qualities a comedian can have. Tenacity. There have been some really, really bad shows there. Horrible. Plenty of open mics have stopped under more favorable circumstances but Chris keeps going because comics need the stage time and I need the free drinks.
To celebrate 10 years of the toughest stage in the world Chris started today’s open mic at 11 AM and will keep going until bar close. You have no excuse to not go pay tribute to the most metal open mic host on earth.
Congrats, Madoo! Here’s to 10 more years and 10 more audience members!
The other day I won a TV at work but I already have a TV so I took it back to Best Buy and got myself a new iPod instead. The only problem I have now is what do I do with my old, cracked iPod? Looks like it’s time to make a craigslist ad to sell it! Here we go!
CL minneapolis hennepin co for sale / wanted electronics – by owner
Reply to: craigslist reply address will appear here Posted: 5 minutes ago
WANT AN IPOD TOUCH BUT DON’T HAVE MONEY? – $25 (UPTOWN)
HOW ABOUT YOU BUY A CRACKED IPOD FOR 1/10TH THE PRICE OF A NOT CRACKED ONE?
THAT’S RIGHT! I’M SELLING MY CRACKED IPOD. I BUSTED MY RAD BONE AND CAN’T HANDLE HOW FUCKING AWESOME THIS THING IS SO I’M READY TO SELL IT TO A WORTHY ADVENTURER.
*4TH GENERATION. SURPASSES THREE GENERATIONS OF IPOD TOUCHES.
*IOS 6. THE ONE THAT HAD ALL THE CRAZY INACCURATE MAPS.
*8 GIGS. STORE OVER 1,000 COPIES OF VAN HALEN’S “PANAMA”
*PERFECT WORKING CONDITION (aside from the occasional “panic” reboot)
BENEFITS FOR HAVING A CRACKED IPOD:
*IT LOOKS BADASS. CHICKS DIG SCARS. TELL GIRLS YOU BROKE IT FIGHTING NINJAS AND WATCH THE WAVE OF PUSS SWEEP OVER YOU.
*USE IT AS A SELF DEFENSE TOOL. SOMEBODY TRIES TO MUG YOU? BOOM. THEY GET 8 GIGS OF BROKEN GLASS AND VAN HALEN SONGS IN THEIR FACE.
*NOBODY TRIES TO STEAL A CRACKED IPOD. SERIOUSLY. I’VE JUST LEFT IT IN MY UNLOCKED CAR IN THE WORST NEIGHBORHOODS.
EMAIL ME TO UNLOCK YOUR FUTURE DESTINY AS AN OWNER OF A CRACKED IPOD TOUCH.
it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Hurry and contact me while this amazing deal is available!
Thanksgiving is tomorrow and I’m going to my aunt’s. For most holiday gatherings we do a potluck. The host takes care of the main dish and the guests all bring something like a side or dessert. For most of my life I was tasked with bringing the soda because it was the easiest thing to bring. A few times when I was a little short on cash my mom even slipped me a few bucks to go get the soda.
That all changed when I got married. Once you’re married your family sees you as more of an adult. I had finally been upgraded from bringing the soda to stuff like chicken salad or pie. It was an exciting time in my life. It didn’t always work out. Sometimes I’d get too ambitious. One Thanksgiving I tried to make a gluten free chocolate cake (my brother can’t eat gluten). The recipe called for honey instead of sugar to sweeten but I didn’t pay attention at the grocery store and accidentally bought some honey with lemon in it. The cake tasted like ass but failure’s a part of the learning process.
This year, however, I’m divorced. I’m well aware that my family just assumed that Jena made most of the food we brought (it’s true but I helped some!) so when my mom called me about Thanksgiving I asked her what I should bring. I also reminded her that if she says soda, that I’m 31 years old. There was a long pause, she told me she’d ask her sister what else was needed and hung up.
The other day she called me back and said “You can get a pre-baked apple pie at Cub for 3.00.”
Fuck that. You guys want apple pie? I’m making a goddamn apple pie because I am a fucking MAN. Just like any other man in this situation I’ll go to pinterest to find the most kickass fucking apple pie recipe to blow everybody’s fucking minds!
HOW ABOUT I BAKE AN APPLE PIE DIRECTLY IN THE MOTHERFUCKING APPLE, BITCHES?
EAT IT, FUCKERS.
Maybe after eating my delicious fucking baked goods I’ll finally be seen as a goddamn grownup.
Sorry about the extended break, five actual readers! Things have been quite busy here at YoungCo. headquarters and they’re not about to slow down because I’m starting a new home improvement project today. I’m building a dining room table out of legos.
This has been a dream of mine for some time. I’ve seen nothing but advantages from having a dining room table out of legos. Here’s just a few of them –
*Super light weight and collapsable. Makes moving a breeze!
*Would go with any decor since it will be made of like 6 different colors.
*If I get pissed off I can BREAK MY FUCKING TABLE LIKE A BARBARIAN and then put it back together again.
There’s only one thing standing in the way of my dream. Cost. To build a dining room table out of legos I’d need to use 400 2×4 pieces per leg and at $.30 per brick on the Lego website –
The price of Legos is TOO DAMN HIGH.
That’s going to be $480 for just the legs. I can’t even afford Lego legs but I’m not going to let that stop me. AFter posting about it on facebook and having friends offer different suggestions, I’m going to build this shit Macklemore style.
To the sad thrift shop toy aisle!
Anytime I have a day off in the next several weeks I will scour every thrift store in the twin cities metro area looking for cheap bags of legos. I’ll probably end up with a lot of leftover pieces but this seems the cheapest way to get legos other than craigslist but I’m certain if I buy Legos off craigslist they’ll definitely have been in somebody’s butt.
You can help, too! Do you have any Legos collecting dust in your closet? Give them to me! You’ll help making a manchild’s dream come true and you’ll also save me from making the most pathetic kickstarter campaign ever!
The hunt begins on Tuesday!
This might sound hipster of me, but I hated The Casualties long before everybody found out the singer is possibly a rapist.
For those of you who don’t know The Casualties, here you go.
Oh, wait. That was them in 1990. Here they are now.
Tan Mom has a punk band
They’re the go to example of a try-too-hard punk band. They have albums called “For the Punx” and “A Fuckin’ Way of Life”. They’re horrid but have built a huge following over the years.
Recently, though, allegations have surfaced that the singer doesn’t just make horrible music, he’s a horrible person as well. Please, read this
. It’s an account of a woman who claims she was assaulted by the lead singer 16 years ago.
It’s a little hard to read at first. Hearing somebody talk about their own sexual assault isn’t pretty but this woman refuses to shut up about it and I couldn’t be happier that she won’t. 60% of rapes go unreported
in this country and this was one of them. She never pressed charges but now she’s bringing it up whenever she can when people talk about that awful band and after writing that article other people are starting to say they’ve either been harassed by this guy or has a friend with a similar story.
The Casualties’ Facebook page
is getting flooded with comments regarding this girl’s post so fast that the admin can’t delete and block them fast enough. Their twitter is blowing up as well
with people clamoring for a response. The shit has hit the shitty fan for this shitty, shitty band.
So, what can you do? Read her story. All of it. Especially if you’re a fan or friend of the band. Read it and ask yourself if it’s okay to still listen to their music or pay for their shows if this is what they cause. It’s easy to say something like “separate the art from the artist” when you’re talking about people you’ll never meet or died years ago but here’s a woman looking right at you and telling you “This man tried to rape me”. Would you still listen to them?
I wouldn’t but I thought they were shit to begin with. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go get myself banned from their facebook fan page.
(Edit: Hey, Casualties fans and people who are okay with sexual assault! I’ve slightly changed the wording of this post by throwing in the words “possibly” and “allegedly” when referencing the “alleged” assault because you’re right. I don’t know for 100% sure cross-my-heart positive that the singer did assault the writer of the linked post or any other woman. Don’t get me wrong, I still very firmly believe he did, I just don’t know that. Hope that appeases all you shitty street punk lawyers out there! I didn’t, however, change any wording when referring to them musically. Their suckage is verifiable fact.)
It’s been a hard fought road, full of postcards, debates that were probably aired on public access or something, endorsements from state Senators and three separate sex scandals but the time is finally here. The time for local elections.
Frankly, I can’t wait for this political season to be over. All the mudslinging, the accidental twitter nude pics, the attack ads will all be behind us. There’s only one problem. I have no idea who to vote for in the race for city council! Now, I know that they’re all shapeshifting lizards from Mars that want nothing more than to drink the blood of babies but what’s their stance on mixed recycling Let’s take a look at the websites of the four candidates on the ballet for my ward, ward 10.
Her website says she’s for vibrant neighborhoods, safe streets and a sustainable city. She’s got a ton of endorsements, including one by state senator Jeff Hayden and you do not want to piss off state senator Jeff Hayden –
Meg is our current city councilor. She likes great neighborhoods, economic opportunities and a green Minneapolis (I only read the highlighted words in the “about” section of their website. I told a door knocker I’d probably vote for her just to get him off my porch but it’s probably going to be a toss up between her and Lisa Bender.
For all you need to know about Nate Griggs, just check out his website –
Oh shit there are candidates who are anti Indiana Jones? They didn’t mention that in their websites at all! That’s it, this guy’s got my vote.
Not much is known about Scott Hargarten except that he belongs to the “Pirate Party” which actually is probably way more boring than it sounds. They favor “liquid” or direct democracy and looking at their website it seems that they have beers at their party meetings so now I’m probably going to vote for this guy.
Who do I vote for??? The worst part is the door knocker for Meg Tuthill said that I can put my favorite three candidates on the ballot for some reason! So I don’t get to pick my favorite, I have to pick my least favorite!
Voting’s hard. I should just commit a felony so I don’t have to worry about this anymore.
Well, this is it. I’ve had a few weeks of living on my own but come Friday I’ll have a roommate. I’m looking forward to it but there is something about the freedom of having a whole residence to yourself that I’m going to miss. I really need to cram as much solo living into the next two days as I can. Time to make a list.
-No pants shall be worn for the next two days. Completely pantless. Might as well just go nude since that will help with the next item on the list.
-Rub my balls on every door handle, drawer and faucet in the house. I better rub my balls all over the floors, couches and dining room table as well. And the remote control. And the chairs. And the walls.
-Whenever somebody has the place to themselves it’s almost automatic that they want to reenact “Risky Business” and I’m no different. So I’m going to fuck Rebecca De Mornay.
- Start a fight club in the basement. Move onto Project Mayhem.
- Try to make a fort out of the furniture I have. It won’t be easy. It’s just two couches, a dining room table and a single blanket.
Okay. Better get busy because once my roommate moves in I’ll probably have to stop rubbing my balls on everything and put some pants on. Maybe. We never discussed pants.
Well, the 10,000 Laughs Comedy Festival is done. I did five shows, watched even more and a couple of the comics from Chicago ended up staying on my couch last week. Not only has it been fun having some company but very educational as well. I’ve learned a lot about the city that would be our neighbor if it wasn’t for stupid Wisconsin standing in the way and I’d like to share with you the top 5 facts that I’ve learned about Chicago.
1. Chicagonians only eat two kinds of food. Deep dish pizza, Hot dogs with mustard in poppy seed buns and Chicago style “stuffed pizza” which is a deep dish pizza stuffed with hot dogs with mustard in poppy seed buns.
2. Chicago is bordered by Lake Michigan, the Great Lake that most resembles a penis -
3. Willis Tower (formerly Sears Tower) is the 8th tallest structure in the world. Over 30 people commit suicide every week from it’s controversial, unsupervised open air observation deck.
4. In the 1920s Chicago was home to some of the nation’s most notorious gangsters such as Al Capone, Bugs Moran, Flattop Jones, Two Face and Oprah Winfrey.
5. The Great Chicago Fire of 1871 burned for two days and engulfed over three square miles of the city. The traditional account is that the fire started when farmer O’Leary’s cow accidentally kicked over a lantern but it turns out that was a fabrication. The cow kicked over the lantern to collect on an insurance policy.
For more information on Chicago, ask someone who lives in Southeastern Wisconsin.
Well, the search is over! I have a new roommate starting Nov. 1st! I’d like to do my best to help make the transition to a new home as smooth as possible but there are a few rules that need to be established so here’s a copy of the email I’m sending him later.
Hey, Josh! Welcome to your new home! Now, I’m a pretty easygoing guy but I do need to establish just a few roommate rules for you. Nothing big.
1. There’s a circle of salt poured around the bathroom. DO NOT BREAK THE CIRCLE. This place is super haunted by pervy ghosts and this prevents them from watching you shower.
2. Do not laugh at the obscene amount of peanut butter in the pantry.
3. If you bring a girl home I get to invoke droit du seigneur. Look it up.
4. Sometimes you may see me bringing down a bucket of meat scraps to the basement. Sometimes you might hear noises coming out of the basement. I’t probably just best that you stay out of the basement.
5. Whenever you talk about where you live to other people you have to refer to it as Pusspound Mountain.
6. This is a soft shell taco household. I will not tolerate any of that hard shell bullshit. Double decker is acceptable.
7. Every now and then some people are going to come over, we’re going to dress up like sports team mascots and have sex. It’s up to you if you want to be weird about it. You might want to just steer clear the 2nd Tuesday of the month.
8. Don’t tell anybody I’m actually a Russian spy.
If we can just follow these simple rules then I think we’ll get along famously!
Starting next week the 10,000 Laughs Comedy Festival will be starting here in Minneapolis! There’s 8 different shows you can go see but let’s focus on the ones that really matter. The shows I’m in!
Two teams of comedians are given a topic the morning of the show and only have several hours to come up with brand new set lists to perform that night. There are two preliminary rounds on Oct. 22nd and 23rd (I’m in the 23rd show) and the winners will battle it out in the finals on the 26th. What will the topics be? Will the comedians buckle under the pressure? Will I freak out onstage like Tom Hanks in Punchline?
Will the comedians rise to the moment like at the end of 8 Mile or choke like at the beginning of 8 Mile? Come to the Comedy Corner Underground and find out!
This one’s a bit like the Punchline Punchout but instead of being given one topic the morning of the show, you’re given one topic per joke to write about onstage. Myself and several very funny people will have to improvise our stand up sets onstage! There’s no competitive element like the PLPO but I’m always silently, secretly at war with everybody around me so watch me win October 24th at HUGE Theater!
THE DIRTY SHOW
Comedy is better when there’s swear words. That’s a simple fact. While I do believe you don’t need to be dirty to be funny dirty is always way funnier. I’m going to say so many swear words in this show that if I listed half of them, Websense would block this site from your work computer forever. Come on out to the Comedy Corner Underground on Oct. 24th at 10 and midnight (I think I’m in the midnight show) and laugh you shitty fucking bitch ass off!
SEX, DRUGS AND ON THE ROAD
Ever wonder what it’s like when a comedian goes on the road? What magical adventures lie in the depths of Bismarck, ND, Peoria IL or Brainerd, MN? This show is all about comedians telling road stories. Maybe I’ll tell the one about the girl who punched me in the face or that time I pooped in a bathtub… man, I need better stories.
Check it out! Oct. 25th at the Comedy Corner Underground.
Get your tickets and find out more about the festival shows I’m not in (all of which are wonderful, I’m sure) at 10000laughs.com!