Roommate Search 2013.

Posted on October 10, 2013 by Bill

Well, with Jena gone and with me having all this space, an extra bedroom and a need for more income I’ve started looking for a roommate. Having a roommate at 31 is a little different than having one at 25. I can’t exactly just have anybody crash here. I’m in a duplex with my landlord and her 6 year old daughter living right above me and I get to work at 7:00 AM. It wouldn’t really fit my life well to have somebody who parties every night. I’d like somebody a little laid back and easygoing. With all this in mind, I put together a “roommate wanted” ad to put on craigslist later today –

Have you ever wanted to live on a boat?!?

Me, too! Perhaps as new roommates we can sit on the porch of our lower duplex unit and talk about how cool it would be to live on a houseboat!

Recently single guy looking for somebody to rent the 2nd bedroom off of 27th and S. Garfield. Rent is $450 plus half utilities. Tips are appreciated but not required. The floors are all hardwood and I already paid the damage deposit so you’ll be required to keep your toenails trimmed to prevent scratching. There will be weekly inspections to make sure that they’re at a proper non-scratching length.

Dogs aren’t allowed. Cats are but I’m allergic. I can deal with it but as payment for the inconvenience I get to rename your cat whatever I want. You can still call the cat by it’s original name when I’m not around but when I’m in the house you will be required to address your cat by the name Thunderthighs Jackson.

I’ve put a strip of masking tape halfway down the refridgerator. You have the whole right side of the fridge to use and if anything goes on the left side it will be considered my food and be consumed with extreme prejudice.

I look forward to living with you, new roomie!

Thankfully I have a couple of friends who need a place to stay and somebody’s checking the place out Saturday so I don’t have to post this ad. Craigslist is just full of creepy weirdos.

Is the Punk Band That Shot the Porn on the WBC Lawn Any Good?

Posted on October 7, 2013 by Bill

I’m going to lift my self imposed ban on talking about the WBC on this website to talk about the big news last week.

For those of you that don’t have the internet, well… you’re not reading this. For those of you who are logging on to the internet for the first time ever today, welcome! There’s a thing called facebook that you should get, there’s a lot of cats, one grumpy cat and a whole lot of porn. In fact, a punk band called Get Shot! went viral last week after they filmed their bass player masturbating on the WBC lawn. The story was picked up by huffpo and gawker (the gawker link contains a very NSFW preview of the film). This story has been shared over and over again applauding the band for sticking it to the worst people in America. While I admit it’s awesome and hilarious that they’d do this I noticed nobody has mentioned on whether or not the band is any good.

Seriously. All this talk about Get Shot and nobody mentions their music. Not once.

Well, they have a bunch of songs posted on youtube so let’s take a listen and see if there’s more to them than just a great publicity stunt.

Huh. So that was a song about stealing underwear. I actually dig the sound but the lyrics were not really my thing. Maybe it’s because I don’t steal underwear, scratch it, sniff it and rub it on my dick. Different strokes for different folks I guess. Let’s see what else they got.

Oookay. So these guys see sex through the eyes of a fifteen year old. Is this really all there is to it? Is there no more depth?

Wait! There’s an acoustic song! Maybe that’s got a little more soul to it than “She Wants My Cock”.

Okay no this is all they’re about. I really shouldn’t have expected more from a band whose logo is a penis gun that is shooting the name of the band in jizz. Also they’re doing this on twitter –

They are really going to try to milk this WBC thing for all it’s worth.

BEES.

Posted on October 2, 2013 by Bill

I’m not scared to admit that I have a lot of fears in life but my top three are cops (which I’ve talked about on here before), heights and bees.

The bee fear is always ratcheted up at the end of summer. Bees are at the end of their life cycle, just itching to sting something and flying around goddamn everywhere. A customer asked me yesterday if I was allergic to bees and I told her I wasn’t sure because I’ve never been stung because I AM SCARED OF BEES.

It’s a little embarrassing to throw my arms up, scream like an 8 year old and run away whenever a bee comes toward my head but I just can’t stand them. I’ve had friends make fun of me for this fear but it’s totally legitimate! I’ll give you three reasons you should be afraid of the tiny little menace.

THEY’RE NATURE’S SUICIDE BOMBERS
The common honeybee will gladly throw it’s life away to sting you, knowing that it probably won’t take down something 1000X it’s own size all in the service of it’s queen. That is fanatical, cult like behavior and it’s not to be trusted. That’s why God dresses them like tiny little prisoners.

FUCK WITH A HORNET, FUCK WITH HIS WHOLE POSSE
Most wasps can mobilize a whole nest to defend against any intruders using attack pheremones. These same pheremones are released upon death. So if you kill a wasp, his whole hive will swear a blood oath of revenge on you until you kill them all, move out of the country or change your clothes and shower.

HAVE YOU NOT SEEN THE ENDING OF “MY GIRL?”
Spoiler alert: Bees ruin everything.

This hit especially hard if you were 8 years old when Home Alone came out so Macaulay Culkin was pretty much your hero. Bees just killed the coolest kid in the world. Then he came back to life evil in The Good Son. I blame the bees for that.

I understand that we need bees for pollination and blah blah but can’t we just train butterflies to do that? Everybody loves butterflies. They’d probably make kickass honey, too if we gave them a chance.

Fuck bees.

Fuck Off Friday: Fang and Talon

Posted on September 20, 2013 by Jena

Last year, I attended my first panel at a Science Fiction convention. Now, you have to understand… I grew up doing Sci-fi conventions. I’ve had opportunities to go to panels my entire life, but it always sounded so dull. But some friends of mine are producing an online series, and I had to see what it was all about.

I’m really glad I went.

At the panel, they discussed and then aired the first episode of the web series Fang and Talon. It’s about fantasy, fighting and comedy. That’s like my three favorite things! And it’s all in one series!

I’m not going to talk much about the panel, since you can see it for yourself here:

but they do go into a lot of the ins and outs of how it all came together, from fighting to filming, scouting locations and difficulties with sound.

And there are some difficulties with sound. They’ve gone through a few different sound technicians, mostly because of life things happening to them. And your going to lose some in the process of changing sound techs repeatedly, and much had to be done ADR. I admit that for me, it’s a bit of a distraction, trying to associate the voices for the first 30 seconds or so.

Once I get into the episode, however, it’s good times. The characters have enough distinction to play their comedy parts, which aren’t “bash you over the head” funny, but more situational and conversational. The effects are REALLY well done- again, not over the top, but neat and a good fit.

But let’s be honest- my favorite part is the fighting. And they do a good job overall. The choreography is great, and for the 18 million things going on, it’s mostly easy to follow. There are a few bumps where film and fight could have better worked together in the first one, but it seemed to work a lot better in the second (that they just released):

The long and short of it… for people newer to film, they’ve got some great stuff going on. As these guys continue to grow into the series, I think it’s only going to get better.

I’m also secretly hoping they need a scimitar wielding belly dancer in the next season.

Thank God, a Little Distraction.

Posted on September 11, 2013 by Bill

Today is the 12th anniversary of the September 11th attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. It was the worst attack on American soil in history. It left a scar on this country that even 12 years later, has not completely healed.

On this day, which serves as a reminder of the consequences of hatred, the President will address the nation regarding the trouble in Syria. Locked in a brutal civil war for over two years with a death toll surpassing 100,000, the president will try to make a plan for U.S. involvement. Since the Syrian president has most likely used chemical weapons against his own people, President Obama feels that our hand is forced into action but what action should we take? There’s almost nothing that we can do that won’t make the situation worse somehow. It’s an incredibly complex situation and there’s no easy answer.

It’s on news days like this that I really wish there was something stupid going on in the media that I could mock, just to get my mind off it for a second. Anything.

Oh thank God Miley Cyrus released a skanky ass music video –

Okay, here’s the thing. I’m not really a fan of pop music but this song isn’t really that bad. It’s super emotional and she fucking belts out the chorus as if she just wrote the song about a breakup that happened five minutes ago. The problem is that every time you’re about to really feel emotionally connected to her the video gets so porny it makes Blurred Lines look like an Ani DiFranco song. The video starts with a close up of her crying all “Nothing Compares 2 U” style –

That is some raw fucking emotion right there.

Then she starts dragging a sledgehammer around a cement wall and you know what’s going to happen next –

Sledgehammer. Cement wall. You do the math.

Right as she’s about to swing that fucker with all her might at the wall to show her frustration, to match the intensity of the chorus… She starts making out with the damn thing –

…am I missing some metaphor here?

But then in an act of true heavy handedness, right when she sings “I came in like a wrecking ball / I never hit so hard in love / All I wanted was to break your walls” a literal wrecking ball comes in and literally breaks the literal wall –

Why did she even bring the sledgehammer?

To show her gratitude to the wrecking ball for breaking that wall so she didn’t have to, she takes her clothes off and writhes around on it for a while –

One second you’re a metaphor for communication in relationships, the next you’re nothing more than a stripper pole.

But not before making out with the sledgehammer a little more because she doesn’t want it to feel left out –

Don’t lick that, Miley. You don’t know where it’s been.

Seriously. She gets the fuck down with that sledgehammer –

Is… this song about how she left the sledgehammer for the wrecking ball?

The rest of the video is pretty much just shots of her writhing around in rubble, writhing around on the wrecking ball and licking that sledgehammer like it has a Tootsie Roll center.

I feel like this video started out with a really good director but then he/she got tapped for some other project halfway through and the record label just let the Bangbros finish the job.

Whatever the reason, thank you, Miley Cyrus. Your weird, desperate attempt to convince people you’re sultry has made me forget about the troubles of the world for a few minutes.

Brandon, MS Church Tries to Build 110 Foot Cross.

Posted on September 5, 2013 by Bill

There’s a church in Brandon, MS that is trying to build a 110 foot cross because Christians always have such good luck with giant statues. The project, sponsored by Crosses Across America was recently submitted to the Brandon city council for a zoning permit but was denied even though the church assured the cross could protect the town against 500ft tall vampires. The church is currently trying to overturn the decision via online petition and facebook group, the two most effective forms of protest.

While I certainly have nothing against a 110 foot cross, I think these people could really spend their time, energy and most importantly money on better pursuits. I haven’t been to church in quite some time but if I remember right, Jesus’ message was more focused on “help poor people” and less on “BUILD ME THE TALLEST, GAUDIEST MONUMENTS YOU CAN THINK OF”. This single 110 foot cross will cost somewhere between $80,000-$100,000. Instead of using the money to build something that does nothing for poor people, why don’t you follow Christ’s example and use that money to –

Feed 12 villages of 100 people for a year through Feed My Starving Children

Build an entire home with Habitat for Humanity with 40,000 left over.

buy 200 cows or 833 sheep for struggling farmers through get clean irrigation systems for several villages in India through Charity Water.

Buy 100,000 McDoubles and give them to hungry people! Buy 10,000 hungry people appetizers at Red Lobster! Take 1,000 homeless people out for dinner at a really fancy steakhouse! Anything except building a stupid cross that does nothing to spread Christ’s message.

I guess it could provide shade for some homeless people on hot days.

Dennis Rodman Visits DPRK.

Posted on September 3, 2013 by Bill

Dennis Rodman is in North Korea right now with some members of the Harlem Globetrotters and writers for Vice magazine. There has been speculation that he went to try to negotiate the release of American prisoner Kenneth Bae, he has said that he’s only there to see his good friend Kim and talk basketball. While Vice is keeping most details under wraps until the premier of their new HBO show, the KCNA news agency reported on the whole game. Here’s the whole KCNA news report, unedited for your enjoyment.

September 1st. Pyongyang.

American basketball superstar Dennis Rodman and his basketball friends visited the DPRK for a basketball exhibition at the request of exalted leader, Kim Jong-Un, who’s very smile invokes the laughter of every child in Korea.

The game started with the Harlem Globetrotters playing against the 5 time Olympic Gold Medal winning team the Pyongyang Superbasketballmen, a team handpicked by former glorious leader Kim Jong-Il who now sits at the right side of God in heaven. Each member of the team has been injected with a vial of blood from Kim Jong-Il to maximize their physical potential.

The game was a close one but the decadence of western life showed as the best basketball players America had to offer lost to the Pyongyang Superbasketballmen with the final score being 247-28.

After the game was over and the Globetrotters marched solemnly to their locker room to cry away their shame, Dennis Rodman superstar went to the center of the court with a microphone and asked a favor. He looked directly at the supreme perfect commander and said “Kim, buddy. I’ve been playing basketball for years but I could never dunk. Could you… show me how to dunk?”

The unopposed divine president first waved his hands and shook his head as he is surprisingly modest but the crowd roared in anticipation of seeing the glorious protector’s famous basketball skills. The amazing leader stood up, tore off his breakaway military uniform to reveal a Chicago Bulls jersey and matching shorts. Dennis tossed him the ball and from half court the wonderful ruler leaped as if he weighed nothing. Sailing through the air, the masterful shepherd executed three front flips and two back flips before slamming the ball through the hoop. The glass backboard shattered and all three lightbulbs in the stadium exploded from the sheer energy of the dunk. Still hanging from the rim, his amazing eminence looked down at Rodman and said “I want to make Space Jam with you. I’ll be Michael Jordan and you be Bugs Bunny.” Tears streamed from Rodman’s eyes as he said “I’d be honored”.

The writer for Vice threw his ironic sunglasses to the floor, stepped on them and said “I want to live here forever now. Tell everybody that I’m staying here because I chose to. Do not try to contact me. I love the DPRK!”

Space Jam starring Kim Jong Un and Dennis Rodman is scheduled to be released October 2013.

Trump Rips Off The Simpsons

Posted on August 26, 2013 by Bill

Donald Trump is in the news again and of course it’s for making a dick move. You never see a news story that says “Trump Saves Puppies” or “Trump to leave science to the scientists, law to the lawyers and politics to the politicians and just leave everybody alone”. No, Trump only makes it into the news for saying or doing something awful –

For more info on Donald Trump and the Central Park Five… actually don’t look it up. It’s too depressing.

This time Trump made headlines because the NY Attorney General is suing his school for fraud.

Wait… Trump has a school? What the fuck does he teach? Probably some bullshit business thing, I guess. Let’s take a look at the article.

New York’s attorney general accused Donald Trump in a lawsuit Saturday of defrauding students who studied at the billionaire mogul’s investment institute, though Trump’s representative said a large majority of the school’s alumni were satisfied with their experience.

The $40 million civil suit alleges Trump made false claims about the school, including that he was personally involved in selecting instructors and creating the curriculum.

…wait a second.

Eric Schneiderman, the New York attorney general, said Trump had crafted a “bait and switch” with his school, using his well-known name.

“Trading on his celebrity status, Mr. Trump personally appeared in advertisements making false promises to convince people to spend tens of thousands of dollars they couldn’t afford for lessons they never got,” he wrote in a statement.

So basically, he allegedly conned people into enrolling in this school pretending to be involved with it when he really had little to nothing to do with it? Oh my God. Trump totally pulled a Kamp Krusty!

Sure I’m Trump! You’re… unemployed!

The Attorney General should agree to drop the suit if Trump agrees to take all the students he defrauded on a trip to Tijuana.

Balls

Posted on August 21, 2013 by Jena

When I started doing stand up AGES ago, a local female comedian that I rather admire told me that I had huge balls. I took it for the compliment it was. And really, stand up is a ridiculous beast that I never did master… I still dabble in it sometimes, but we never really connected, stand up and I.

Though, I did manage to get myself a husband out of the deal.

But let’s look at the compliment itself. Having balls. Huge balls. Large, dangly balls.

Dudes seem to be super proud of their balls. I’ve had various guy friends whip out their balls to show them to me. Not in a sexual way. Just a “dude- look at how big my balls are” kind of way. I always assure them that yes, their balls were in fact very large. Like telling a 5 year old that yes, spinning on one foot is a really neat “trick.”

I don’t get it.

I mean, they just sit there doing nothing. They keep sperm cool, and I don’t mean like little wiggly tadpoles with sunglasses. But that’s their only function… to make sure the delicate seed of life doesn’t get too hot and keeps swimming. Other than that, they’re just mostly sensitive pain sacks that guys wish would have played with from time to time.

There’s a quote that gets passed around Facebook that reads

“Why do people say “grow some balls”? Balls are weak and sensitive! If you really wanna get tough, grow a vagina. Those things take a pounding.”

It’s often attributed to Betty White, but she claims she never said it, and instead says that comedian Sheng Wang is the original author.

No matter who said it, people still attribute balls to things that are manly and strong, and people keep claiming to have the biggest balls. But they’re all wrong.

Meet Wesley Warren, otherwise known as The Man With the 132 lb. Scrotum. Yes, he has a show airing on TLC about his balls. He apparently injured them, and they just started growing till they got to the size of, well, ME.

Now, gentlemen. Can well all just admit defeat, put our balls away, and get back to our dick measuring contest?

MNSure Making Paul Bunyan Look Bad

Posted on August 20, 2013 by Bill

Minnesota’s new open market health care tool, MNSure, went live Monday and of course everybody’s pissed about it. It’s not just republicans either who think that the socialist healthcare is going to Hitlerize us and turn us into communists (although there is plenty of that going on). There’s actually people in Bemidji that think MNSure’s ad campaign is making Paul Bunyan look bad.

Paul Bunyan, the fictional lumberjack whom I’ve already mentioned was a giant bumbling soiciopath, has about a dozen towns in Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan and Canada that all say they’re his hometown. Bemidgi, however, is the only town that seems upset about the state’s new ad campaign. Why are they upset? Because they say the ads make him look bad.

You see, in the MNSure ads, Paul Bunyan gets into some mishaps like waterskiing and soccer injuries that require him to go to the doctor –

and the good people of Bemidji say this makes Paul Bunyan like a bumbling idiot.

You know, they guy who, according to myth, accidentally created the Grand Canyon by dragging his ax and created Minnesota’s 10,000 lakes by stumbling around in a blizzard? The waterskiing ad makes him look like a doof.

These ads don’t make him look dumb, Bemidji. Do you know what makes somebody look dumb? Fighting for the dignity of a fictional character that you can’t even claim ownership on. Also, claiming that your town is the hometown of a fictional character when a dozen other towns are doing the same thing.

Seriously, Bemidji. Lay off. This is the kind of shit that gets you on those dumb small town segments on the Daily Show.

DURR I’M PAUL BUNYAN I NEAD HELTH INSHURANCE DURR

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