Tag Archives: politics

Dumb Racists For Obama

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I’ve seen this photo being shared around facebook a lot lately –



Did you need to use the confederate…. whatever.




In fact, if you google it, you can find a surprising amount of stars-n’-bars support for Obama –



The south shall rise again! Until then, vote Obama!




Obama at a campaign stop in Cousinlove, AL.





I can just imagine Jeff Foxworthy hunched over a notebook scribbling “If you’re in favor of a public health care option…”


The furthest I could trace back that first sign is from a politico article in 2008. In fact, all of the images are from around the time of his first campaign. I even found a blog called obamaredneck.com and all their posts are from 2008 and 2009 (there’s really not much there. The last few posts are about Ted Nugent’s latest book, mercury in fish and legalizing pot). How did I miss out on this seemingly huge base of redneck fans? And why do they keep having to use the Confederate Flag image in all their stuff?


I know that there’s an ongoing debate on the whole Confederate Flag thing. There are some who think that it’s a racist symbol. An image linked to the Confederacy, which seceded from the U.S. when Abraham Lincoln was elected because he campaigned for ceasing the expansion of slavery. Then there’s the racists who use it because they don’t like black people and shout “IT’S ABOUT STATE’S RIGHTS” when they get called on their bullshit.



Seriously, if you think the Confederate Flag isn’t steeped in racism then you’re either just dumb or you’re dumb and also racist.



I remember a few months ago when West St. Paul Councilman Ed Hansen made news for hanging a confederate flag in his backyard that said “redneck” (he subsequently took it down). From the article – “He sees the flag as a symbol of free speech and individual liberty.” The only way the Confederate Flag is connected to free speech is if you want to be free to yell “work harder, boy!” at a black guy that you’re making work for no pay.



As far as the “State’s rights” argument goes. Ask somebody who uses that argument which state’s rights they’re talking about. If they don’t have an answer (which they probably don’t), here’s one from the wikipedia page for state’s rights –



Supporters of slavery often argued that one of the rights of the states was the protection of slave property wherever it went, a position endorsed by the U.S. Supreme Court in the 1857 Dred Scott decision. In contrast, opponents of slavery argued that the non-slave-states’ rights were violated both by that decision and by the Fugitive Slave Law of 1850. Exactly which—and whose—states’ rights were the casus belli in the Civil War remain in controversy.



So basically the Rednecks for Obama are saying that ideally, he’d be a slave but since that can’t happen they’ll settle for President.

VOTE.

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Hello. As some of you may know I am running for an office. I have spent many years as an activist fighting for change in things and I think it’s time I took the fight to the political arena at some level. My message is simple.



There are problems.



Some things are not good and I think it’s time that we as a group of people said “that’s not right”. We face problems everyday. Sometimes we only face them occasionally and certain problems we only have to deal with once or twice. I am here to say that bad things are not O.K. and I will work tirelessly to ensure that these things are made less bad, eliminated or changed into good things.



This will not be easy most of the time. Sometimes it will be easy. No matter the degree of difficulty or time required, I will see to it that after I have done what is needed, the things I have worked on will be better.



My opponent thinks everything is alright. That things are “good enough”. Well, I say that he or she is wrong and, in fact, sometimes things are really bad.



Please, vote for me sometime. If elected, I promise to use the power of whatever office I am in to make sure that various problems are either no longer problems or at least smaller problems.



I’m Bill Young and I approve whatever this is.

Reagan’s Blood For Sale!

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That’s right! Somebody out there claims to have a vial of Reagan’s blood and currently has it up for auction! The auction is going on until Thursday and bidding is at approx. $12,000 right now.


The seller claimed that he got the vial from his mother, who worked at the hospital where the former president was treated after the failed assassination attempt. Fans of the Gipper are outraged that this guy is selling the blood (blood money is only cool with Reaganites if it’s a metaphor but the guy selling the blood said that when he was asked to donate it to the Reagan Library “I told him that I didn’t think that was something that I was going to consider,” he wrote. “… I was a real fan of Reaganomics and felt that President Reagan himself would rather see me sell it rather than donating”.



Now I’m aware most of my readers are eccentric millionaires who have the money to spend on such an odd relic but what can you do with a vial of Reagan’s blood? Here’s a few suggestions –


* Make 93 perfect clones of Reagan and spread them around the world, hoping one of them will grow up to Become Reagan and bring Reaganomics and monkey movies back to the world.

* Impress the hell out of Jodie Foster.

* Create a potion that makes people ignore AIDS.

* Drink the blood and gain all the powers of Reagan by becoming The Reaganator!



Bristling with rocket pods, Gatling guns and cannon, The latest in technology to slay the foes of Mammon




You can bid for the vial of blood here. Good luck!

Fox News… I don’t… Jesus Christ, Fox News… Goddamnit.

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I’ll usually check out the front page of all the major news sites every morning. I’d love to say that it’s because I like to stay informed on what’s going on in the world but really I’m just looking for stories to make fun of for the blog. I’ll start with CNN, go on to MSNBC and then Fox News.



I know Fox can be biased but they’re still a news organization and a lot of their web content is just slightly aggregated AP and Reuters stuff. Most of their heavily biased stuff is saved for their horrifying Fox Nation page anyway. You wouldn’t expect to see their most biased stuff on the front page, right?



Wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. Fucking wrong.



The headline fucking piece on foxnews.com today is a bullshit non-story about how the white house added links to the end of presidential biographies. So, after a president’s bio on the white house website they added a new section called “Did you know?” Here’s the one for BushII –



Did you know?

In 2002, President George W. Bush’s State of the Union was the first to be live broadcast on the Internet. In 2011 and 2012, President Obama’s State of the Union speeches were available in an enhanced live stream version that featured infographics, charts and data side-by-side in real time with the President’s speech.
In 2009, former President Bush partnered with 42nd President Clinton to help rebuild Haiti, after the country was devastated by an earthquake.



Okay, a slightly political but incredibly benign move. Here’s that story with a little Fox News sprinkled on it.



Goddamnit.





Click the link to the article page and the headline reads “White House under fire for adding Obama policy plugs to past presidents’ bios”. Read the article and you find out who he’s under fire from. Bloggers. There’s a tumblr set up to make fun of him. No other news organization has reported on this and no other politician has questioned his motives. It’s nothing and they’re pretty much lying about it. To read the headline and see the picture you’d think he was altering FDR’s bio to say Obama helped win WW2.



Well of course Fox News pulls this incredibly partisan bullshit but we all know that’s how they play. Who takes everything Fox News says at face value?



PEOPLE WHO READ FOXNEWS.COM DO. THEY’RE FUCKING IDIOTS.



This was honestly the first comment I saw when I read the article.



cobrajet69 0 minutes ago
This just shows that Obama is Mentally ill, cut & pasting his picture with people he didn’t even know……this is not normal behavior



You know he didn’t… that was actually Fox News who… which they shouldn’t even have done in… forget it.


Don’t even bother trying to read the other comments. If these people bash Obama when the article has nothing to do with him you can only imagine what they say when an article outright attacks him. I saw the term “porch monkey” in no less than five comments and one guy called him “GAYBAMA”.


Goddamnit, Fox News.

I Am So Glad I’m Straight.

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You know what’s awesome? Being heterosexual.



I think one of the best things about being straight is that nobody gives me a hard time for it. Not once in my life has anybody made fun of me for my sexual attraction to women. Nobody hates me because I’m straight. A bunch of drunken hillbilly homosexuals have never beat the shit out of me because they hate straight people. Nobody’s ever belittled me because they’re afraid they might be straight and they can’t deal with that. It’s awesome.



What’s even better about it is that the law is totally on my side. I have never been denied a single right because of the gender of people I like to bang. It’s really awesome! I even married somebody and there’s a bunch of laws set up to give me even more rights and protections because I’m married!



I’m glad those laws are set up, too. I love the woman I married and want to spend the rest of my life with her but that totally isn’t necessary for a marriage to happen. I could hate her guts, never touch her and openly plan to divorce her like two months after the wedding and they’d still let us get married.



It’s not even a religious thing. I could literally wipe my ass with a bible during the wedding ceremony but the state would still file the marriage certificate because we’re a man and a woman.



Anyway, I’m glad those laws are set up. I love my wife and I shudder to think of a world where the government wouldn’t allow me to get married to her. Seriously. Not once during the planning of our wedding did I think “what if we can’t?”. Ugh. That’d be terrible.



We spent a year engaged and nobody ever said we shouldn’t get married because we’re straight. That would have been awful, especially if it was the government saying it.



If the government told me that I couldn’t marry the person I loved, if they told me that I’d never be able to marry the person I loved, I would seriously have no faith or trust in my government. If the people of my state voted on whether or not I get to marry the person I love and they voted that I didn’t, I’d feel like a pariah in my own city.



Whelp, good thing I’m straight and don’t have to worry about any of that bullshit. Can you imagine?



Seriously, though. Fuck you, North Carolina. Fuck your state government, fuck your voters, fuck Governor Bev Perdue and fuck your state bird, The Cardinal.

Interview: Craigslist Rants and Raves.

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After yesterday’s interview with Matt Olson I realized a few things.



1: I think I can say, without ego, that I’m really awesome at interviewing people.

2: Interviews are super easy to write. You only have to write half an article. That’s probably why magazines had so many interviews back when they were a thing that existed.

3: We were almost out of almond milk. I was able to fix this by going to the store and buying more almond milk.


Now this won’t be all interviews, all the time but it’s nice to know if I’m running out of ideas I can always interview my 11 year old stepson or my neighbor that looks like a homeless Marc Maron. Today I’ll be interviewing the the Rants and Raves section of Craigslist.


For years, the Rants and Raves section of craigslist has been home to opinions too inflammatory to be shared on sites like facebook or twitter (due to lack of anonymity) but too stupid to be shared on sites like 4chan or reddit (even those people have standards). I sat down with Rants and Raves to talk about their life, their loves and their opinions of black people.


Bill: Thanks for taking a few minutes to talk to me. I know you must be really busy.



CLR&R: BIGGEST WASTE OF MONEY EVER, NASA SPACE PROGRAM TRILLIONS LOST ON THAT (BRIGHT PEOPLE THERE), SPEND $ TRILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO DUMP 100S OF TONS OF GARBAGE IN OUTER SPACE WHILE ACCOMPLISHING NOTHING,WHOS THE IDIOT THAT THOUGHT OF THAT? WONDER HOW MUCH CORRUPTION WAS INVOLVED, CANT SMOKE A CIG ANYWHERE BY LAW BUT EVERY LAUNCH CREATED ENOUGH SECOND HAND SMOKE EQUAL TO 500 QUAD TRILLION CIGARETTES,NO WONDER YOU CAN’T SEE STARS ANYMORE THE GOV CHOKED OFF THE SKIES SO BAD YOU CAN’T SEE EM,



Bill: You do have a point. We should be able to smoke anywhere because of spaceships. You’ve been pretty active, politically. Do you support any particular party or candidate?



CLR&R: facts. not all independent people are rich but all rich people are independent but all independent people are free , no dependent person is rich or free .

doesnt get much more self explanatory than that . i might not be rich but damned if im giving up my freedom .

...wha?





Bill: So… are you saying Kerry’s like… Dukakis? But neither of them are running this… whatever. Let’s talk about the current administration. You’ve said some pretty critical things about the president in the past.



CLR&R: The only truth (USA). The pictures tell it all.

but Hitler and Stalin were enemies in... nevermind.

wait. are you trying to say... I'm having a hard time seeing this as not racist.





Bill: Okay. It seems like part of your problem with the President is his race. Care to comment on that?



CLR&R: Tupac. Tupac Shakur ,from my understanding was just another Richie Rich spoiled litte boy whose thing was “He liked to spit on other people”. My what a great role model. No wonder somebody shot the P.O.S. And no wonder, that these other P.O.S. are getting shot on a regular basis. If it has always been like this I can see why they had lynchings . No offense meant but if thats how they act murdering assaulting robbing raping etc string them up. Thats what they did with white murdering assaultive rapists assholes who try to spit on other people.

Hey Tupac how did that spitting on people work out for ya?



Bill: Huh. Listen, we’re running out of time here so could you just kind of wrap it up with something racist, conservative, local and confusing all mashed up together?



CLR&R: Minnesota Killing Down 99% (Hooded Rat’s Welfare). lease say no to more cop’s & yes to Ziggys new playground for his overpayed and underplayed playmates. The hooded rat’s have killed 4 in two days in the twincitys. Hoodrats with asses hanging out, make we the people the asses.. Voters I.D. Gay-Rights should take the weak minded away from the real problems of the State.



Bill: Thanks. This was really fun.



CLR&R: WTF IS FACEBOOK FOR? SNOOPY PEOPLE? (I WOULDN’T GIVE EM $5 DOLLARS FOR CO). FACEBOOK ONLY FOLLOWS PEOPLE AROUND LIKE A STALKER, WHAT IS FACE BOOK FOR ANYWAY? SOCIALIZE? EVER HEAR OF A PHONE? IT’S THAT THING YOU DIAL, I SIGNED UP ONLY TO DISCOVER U CAN’T DELETE YOUR ACCOUNT SO THEY CAN FOLLOW A PERSONS PERSONAL LIFE FOREVER, I THINK IT IS JUST AN ADVERTISING ENGINE.



Bill: I’m… just going to go now.


For more information on craigslist rants and raves, ask a crazy racist.

How to Have a Drunken Facebook Political Agrument.

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Step 1: See something you disagree with –

Oh I do not agree with that!




Step 2: Make it known that you disagree with the thing. Be sure to throw some profanity in there. Let’s them know you’re up for a fight –




Step 3: Get a response and attack back with numbers and links!

Fun fact: If you're chatting online with me you can tell how drunk I am by how smart I'm trying to sound. The drunker I am, the smarter I try to sound.




Step 4: That last step seemed a little impersonal? Throw in a couple more comments as a “fuck you”. Doesn’t matter if they haven’t commented back yet. In fact, commenting multiple times in a row uninterrupted scores you extra points.

getting druuuunnnk noooooowwww!




Step 5: Drum up some support from your like minded friends on your own wall.

Drinking, facebook drama and a mention of Dr. Who? Now I've got my friends listening.




Step 6: Inadvertently piss off the wife.

No I didn't... but I... what I mean is...




Step 7: A new contender! So many words! Fight back, damnit!

so damn druuuunnnnk noooooowwwww




Step 8: More words!

My last comment got cut off by the screen cap but does it really matter? Do you really need to see what I said?




Step 9: Realize What you’re doing.

SOMEBODY HELP ME.




Step 10: Pass out. Wake up the next morning. Realize the other guy posted two huge comments in response to your last thing. Ignore it.


It’s that simple!

Ugh. Mitt Romney.

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Well, according to MSNBC, Mitt Romney is pretty much assuming he’s got the primary in the bag and unless there’s some big upset from Santorum, Romney does have the primary in the bag. Looks like it’s going to be Romney vs. Obama for the general election and I’m not pleased.


Half the shit I do on this blog is political and I have to say during the primaries, I’ve really had fun ripping on Santorum and Gingrich but that’s because their crazy has personality and flair! Look at what the other guys are bringing to the table –


Santorum
* thinks sperm are people
* thinks women are things
* thinks gays are demons
* think’s Obama’s a nig – uh
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NeaA8nkiWdk&w=420&h=315]


Gingrich
* Cheated on his first wife. Divorced her when she had cancer and married his mistress.
* Cheated on second wife. Divorced her and married The Joker.

She looks like a harlequin baby all growed up (go ahead and google image search "harlequin baby". I dare you).


* Tried to get Clinton impeached for cheating
* Probably cheating on his wife right now as you read this.


Ron Paul
*Wild Card! Is he racist? Is he crazy? Nobody knows the true story because nobody takes him seriously enough to actually do some serious investigation on him.

I know he likes biking. That's all I got on him for sure.




Look at that! A tree full of low hanging fruit for a lazy comedian like myself to pick at my lesiure but what am I stuck with? Mitt Romney. What’s he got going for him?

* He’s out of touch because he’s a super rich guy (but I already covered that).
* He’s Mormon and that’s weird but nobody seems to want to talk about that.


In a perfect world it’d be Michele Bachmann running against Obama but here I am stuck with dumb ol’ Romney. I might as well go back to writing my vampire detective novel.

Ugh. Even his picture on wikipedia is boring.

I Have Created a New Game.

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The game is to see how many comments in a foxnews.com article that has nothing to do with President Obama do you need to read before somebody says something bad about President Obama. I call it “how many comments in a foxnews.com article that has nothing to do with President Obama do you need to read before somebody says something bad about President Obama”.


The name needs some work, I’ll admit. Let’s play!


Article: Mega Millions Sales Soar With $540M Jackpot.

Comments read before Obama’s bashed: 22 (all comments are read from top down (most recent).

Comment: With “0” in power some of you have 401ks, gold, silver, classic cars and rich relatives. The rest of us have the lottery!!

Relevence to original article: Somewhat.

Relevance to Obama’s policies: Uhh… I don’t know. Personally, my stock of gold, silver, classic cars and rich relatives hasn’t surged since Obama was sworn in so… what?


Article: Mastercard Warns of Possible Security Breach.

Comments read before Obama’s bashed: 8

Comment: looks like Obama’s buddies are getting campaign $$… ha ha

Relevance to original article: Sorta? I guess he’s saying Obama’s campaign contributors are committing the credit card because… they’re liberal?

Relevance to Obama’s policies: None, unless Obama signed a law saying credit card fraud is legal? Ugh.


Article: Alabama Nightclub Starts “Food Stamp Friday” Promotion.

Comments read before Obama’s bashed: 14 (I really thought it would be fewer. There were plenty of comments bashing liberals and one referring to black people as “koons” but 14 before Obama was mentioned)

Comment: oh well…… I guess I’ll try one of those “Obama Bombers…” with cheese!

Relevance to article: Eh. I guess he was saying that would be one of the menu options available with food stamps?

Relevance to Obama’s policies: Well, Obama created food stamps so…


Article: California Woman Blames McDonald’s For Forcing Her Into Prostitution

Comments read before Obama’s bashed: 1! This was the 2nd comment! A new record!

Comment: am confident this woman will find many California lawyers who are bigger w h o r e s than she is.
Maybe a call from the White House, and a complimentary hoodie will help her out,

Bonus Comment!: (checked back in the comments section 2 minutes later and this one was posted) This lady(?) has to be a liberal. They never do anything wrong. It’s always the fault of someone else. Right out of oinkbama’s playbook.

Relevance to article: Okay, pretty relevant. They’re both saying she’s suing McDonald’s because she’s liberal.

Relevance to Obama’s policies: Fucking zero. I love how the first comment even threw in the “hoodie” line referencing the Trayvon Martin case.


Stay classy, fox news comment section!

so fair and balanced.

Five More Lies Republicans Tell About Women’s Bodies

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HuP (short for HuffPo, short for Huffington Post) Huffingtonposted an article yesterday entitled “9 Lies Republicans Tell About Women’s Bodies”. The article shows 9 myths that have sprung up rather recently in the GOP’s war on vaginas. While the list certainly brings to light the level of misinformation conservatives are willing to use to make a point, the list is far from complete. Here’s some more misleading statements, half-truths and outright lies the Republicans have said about women in the last couple of months.


1. “Chinese girls have sideways vaginas.” – Rick Santorum on Face the Nation.

This myth has been around for quite some time but the World Health Organization has stated that the vaginas of Chinese women are just like everybody else’s.


2. “Boys go to Mars to get more candy bars. Girls go to Jupiter to get more stupider.” – Rush Limbaugh on The Rush Limbaugh Show.

To date, the Mars Rover has yet to find a single candy bar on the planet’s surface. As for Jupiter, the atmosphere of the gas giant is mainly comprised of hydrogen and helium. Breathing these gases can cause oxygen starvation to the brain so while a girl could get more stupider on Jupiter, not one female has ever visited the planet.


3. “We don’t need a condom, baby. Everybody knows you can’t get pregnant if you do it in a hot tub.” – Herman Cain in the hot tub at La Quinta Inn. Newark, NJ.

According to the internet you can totally get pregnant in a hot tub. Duh.


4. “That weird girl Ethel in Ms. Miller’s kindergarten class has cooties.” – Mitt Romney televised campaign ad.

While it’s kind of weird that her parents gave her an old lady name, there’s no such thing as cooties. Ethyl has lice.


5. “Almost 20% of fetuses survive abortion, growing up with a single goal in life. Revenge.” – Michele Bachmann, speaking to a bunch of terrified girl scouts around a camp fire moments before Marcus jumps out of the bushes in a giant fetus costume.

While there have been some cases of fetuses surviving late term abortions, there have been no recorded instances of revenge quests.



For more information on Republican views on women’s health, consult any 100 year old medical textbook.

The pic from the original huffpo article. Obviously a shop because the three of them talking at the same time would cause aneurysms in anybody listening.



P.S. Oh hey there’s only two days left to vote for the City Pages reader’s poll. You can vote for “best local blog”. I’m not saying that I think this blog is the best but you should vote for me because I’m incredibly insecure and if you don’t vote for me I’m going to STICK MY FINGER IN MY THROAT UNTIL I THROW UP BECAUSE I’M A FATTY FATASS. Thanks!