Tag Archives: republicans

Five More Lies Republicans Tell About Women’s Bodies

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HuP (short for HuffPo, short for Huffington Post) Huffingtonposted an article yesterday entitled “9 Lies Republicans Tell About Women’s Bodies”. The article shows 9 myths that have sprung up rather recently in the GOP’s war on vaginas. While the list certainly brings to light the level of misinformation conservatives are willing to use to make a point, the list is far from complete. Here’s some more misleading statements, half-truths and outright lies the Republicans have said about women in the last couple of months.


1. “Chinese girls have sideways vaginas.” – Rick Santorum on Face the Nation.

This myth has been around for quite some time but the World Health Organization has stated that the vaginas of Chinese women are just like everybody else’s.


2. “Boys go to Mars to get more candy bars. Girls go to Jupiter to get more stupider.” – Rush Limbaugh on The Rush Limbaugh Show.

To date, the Mars Rover has yet to find a single candy bar on the planet’s surface. As for Jupiter, the atmosphere of the gas giant is mainly comprised of hydrogen and helium. Breathing these gases can cause oxygen starvation to the brain so while a girl could get more stupider on Jupiter, not one female has ever visited the planet.


3. “We don’t need a condom, baby. Everybody knows you can’t get pregnant if you do it in a hot tub.” – Herman Cain in the hot tub at La Quinta Inn. Newark, NJ.

According to the internet you can totally get pregnant in a hot tub. Duh.


4. “That weird girl Ethel in Ms. Miller’s kindergarten class has cooties.” – Mitt Romney televised campaign ad.

While it’s kind of weird that her parents gave her an old lady name, there’s no such thing as cooties. Ethyl has lice.


5. “Almost 20% of fetuses survive abortion, growing up with a single goal in life. Revenge.” – Michele Bachmann, speaking to a bunch of terrified girl scouts around a camp fire moments before Marcus jumps out of the bushes in a giant fetus costume.

While there have been some cases of fetuses surviving late term abortions, there have been no recorded instances of revenge quests.



For more information on Republican views on women’s health, consult any 100 year old medical textbook.

The pic from the original huffpo article. Obviously a shop because the three of them talking at the same time would cause aneurysms in anybody listening.



P.S. Oh hey there’s only two days left to vote for the City Pages reader’s poll. You can vote for “best local blog”. I’m not saying that I think this blog is the best but you should vote for me because I’m incredibly insecure and if you don’t vote for me I’m going to STICK MY FINGER IN MY THROAT UNTIL I THROW UP BECAUSE I’M A FATTY FATASS. Thanks!

Santorum Cum

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unicornbooty.com recently shared this little gem off of presidential hopeful and fetus fetishist Rick Santorum’s website.


It's an acronym!




CUM was pulled off of (or wiped up from?)Rick’s website after the internet had their way with the acronym but people were wondering how this thing got the green light in the first place? Considering his very name has become the subject of sexual humor one would think his staff would be on the lookout for obvious stuff like this. If people only knew the names of all the political projects Santorum came up with that were shot down they’d realize how this one could slip through the cracks. Here’s just a few of his aborted (metaphorically, of course) babies.


Republicans
Against
People
Ever
Acquiring
Social
Security
Rather than supporting the phasing out of social security like his more moderate repulican peers, this was a bill he introduced to allow people to physically slap the checks out of greedy seniors’ hands.


Kindness
Love
And
Nurturing
This was a plan he introduced to allow the crating of homosexuals on commercial flights. You know, to protect families.


Jury
Interrogations for
Secret
Muslims
Santorum actually just started hanging around outside congress and giving copies of this bill to senators when Obama first took office in 2009.

For more information on Rick Santorum and his policies, ask your local Santorun Educational eXtremist- Offering Federal Financial Enthusiasts No Democrats, Ever Repiblican.

Republican Presidential Debate Roundup!

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Well tonight Fox News will air the last debate before primary season and I really could not care less. Seriously. Newt Fucking Gingrich is the front runner right now? I almost feel sorry for conservatives. They have a seething hatred for the man in office right now but just can’t seem to come up with anybody good enough to beat him. It’s like the 2004 election in reverse.


Even though the Fox News article all but said that Gingrich and Romney are the only two who should even bother showing up to the debate, the whole rat pack is showing up. I’ve already taken my shots at Bachmann and Perry so let’s see what the other candidates have to offer.


Jon Huntsman
He was Obama’s ambassador to China, believes in evolution and global warming, kind of likes the gays (supports civil unions but not same sex marriage), treats immigrants like human beings and left office as Governor of Utah with an 80% approval rating. He’s Mormon but said in an interview with Newsweek that the LDS chruch does not have a monopoly on his spiritual life and that he and his wife draw from an array of sources for inspiration. Pretty open minded. All in all, a horrible Republican by today’s standards. He’ll be lucky to get more than three votes.


Rick Santorum
Santorum is defined as “The frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex” and that’s all it will ever mean.


Ron Paul
Ron Paul is the physical embodiment of libertarianism. One time he showed up to work naked because he trusted the free market to dress him. He’s so libertarian he actually opposed the civil rights act because of it’s interference with the free market. To be fair, the “separate water fountain” industry did take a big hit after it was passed.

Ron Paul has the most conservative voting record in history, never voting against any bill that could slightly be interpreted as possibly going against the Constitution. He describes himself as a strict constitutionalist and that may be because he was there when it was written holy shit is he old.

There are 39 stars on those flags behind him.

Seriously. look at him. He bought that suit a year ago and now it’s too big for him. He’s shrinking. If elected (which won’t happen), he’d enter office at 77 years old, making him the oldest man to hobble into office by 8 years.


Mitt Romney
Mitt Romney has a fucking price on his head placed by conservative think tanks because he closed corporate tax loopholes and introduced (sort of) universal health care as governor of Mass. He’s also been called a “flip flopper” (remember? From the John Kerry days?) which is funny because all of his flip flops have been to make conservatives happy. He was pro choice and anti gun and now he’s pro life and pro gun. Polls say that Romney is the republicans’ best bet to beat Obama but he probably won’t get the nomination because one time he let some poor people get cancer treatments.

Also he’s full on Mormon so if he gets elected we’ll all have to convert and do missionary trips to other countries and wear special underpants.


Man, looking at who the Republicans have to offer I kind of miss Sarah Palin and Donald Trump.

Oh Shit Newt Gingrich is in the Lead Now?

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A couple of months ago I wrote about how it was sad that republicans were falsely letting Newt Gingrich believe he had a shot at the presidential nomination but now he’s fucking tied for first? What?


I get the fact that the previous front runners have either proven to be perverts, dipshits or Michele Bachmann but if you leave Newt Gingrich in the spotlight too long he’s going to say something awful like child labor laws are stupid.


He actually said that.


From the CNN article “It is tragic what we do in the poorest neighborhoods, entrapping children in child laws which are truly stupid,” Gingrich said. “Saying to people you shouldn’t go to work before you’re 14, 16. You’re totally poor, you’re in a school that’s failing with a teacher that’s failing.”


God knows when you’re young and poor what you need is more manual labor and less education. There’s more!


“I tried for years to have a very simple model. These schools should get rid of unionized janitors, have one master janitor, pay local students to take care of the school. The kids would actually do work; they’d have cash; they’d have pride in the schools. They’d begin the process of rising.”


Now that’s some bold 19th century robber-baron thinking! Why pay adults fair wages and benefits to do a job that kids will do for dirt cheap? When you think about it, there’s all sorts of jobs kids can be doing. You hear all the time about coal miners getting trapped in cave ins but if kids were miners it would probably be way easier to get them out of the mines. They’re smaller so rescue crews would have to do half the work to get them out. Their tiny little hands are probably great for picking fruit and sewing clothes. China uses child labor all the time and their economy is booming! The best part is that kids will become accustomed at a young age to shitty pay and working conditions so we won’t have to worry about them forming those pesky unions as adults.


Vote Gingrich in 2012 because he’s a horrible, soulless monster!


p.s. hey if you want to keep reading things I wrote but want to read on a different website I did a guest blog for The Comedy Corner Underground! Click on it and read the thing and then you can click on the link at the bottom of the blog back to my website! Repeat this process until you have gone insane.