Tag Archives: humor

A Story About Trouble at the DMV Because I’m an Unoriginal, Clichéd Turd

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Listen.  I know that writing about having a hard time at the DMV is such worn territory that Dave Barry would call it hack and Garrison Keillor would scoff at it as “old hat”.  DMV jokes are so old that the government has changed the name of the department in various states to try to escape the stigma (it’s Driver and Vehicle Services in MN).  The list of worn out jokes about the DMV is longer than the actual lines at the DMV (ba-zing!).  

 

That being said, here’s a story about my recent experience at the DMV.  

 

I needed a passport but before I could get a passport I needed to take care of my drivers license.  It was revoked last summer due to a traffic stop where I didn’t have proof of insurance on me.  I never really took care of it because I lost the car shortly thereafter and I firmly believe that if you ignore a problem long enough, it will go away.  

 

Of course, time and again ignored problems have not gone away but that’s the funny thing about faith. You don’t need proof, you just believe.  

 

I called the DVS phone number I found on the state’s website on Friday, expecting a half an hour wait followed by a bitter exchange with some disgruntled employee because that’s what happens when you call the government, right?  Wrong.  The hold time was less than two minutes and I got a very helpful rep who answered all my questions.  I actually forgot to ask one question and had to call in a second time.  One minute on hold and a different but equally helpful rep.  All I had to do was fax in my proof of insurance that day and I could go down to a service center on Monday to reinstate my DL, get a birth cert. and apply for my passport.  One stop shopping!  The DMV is certainly sounding a lot more convenient than every shitty comedian has made them out to be.  

 

Day 1:

I headed to the Hennepin County Service Center off of Lake and Chicago (because it was close to home, I totally didn’t drive there because my license wan’t valid.  Yeah.  That’s it) on Monday, ready to spew money at the government so they could give me pieces of paper and plastic that said I was born and could drive and fly out of the country.  While waiting I see a sign that reads “Due to some state regulation bullshit (I’m paraphrasing) we no longer accept Visa” so I run to the nearest ATM to withdraw some cash hoping my number won’t be called while I’m gone.  After a short wait and paying a $30 fee, my license was valid again.  No more getting turned away at bars with bouncers who take their jobs way too seriously (like after my license expires I magically turn underage again JUST LET ME IN TO DRINK).  I asked to apply for a passport and the lady behind the counter told me that they didn’t do that anymore and if I wanted to get a passport I’d have to go to the downtown service center.  

 

Day 2:

I head to the downtown service center to get my birth certificate (forgot to take care of that at midtown) and passport.  I’m able to get my birth certificate no problem but the State Department only takes checks for passport applications.  I don’t have my checkbook on me because it’s not 1963.  If my landlord accepted debit cards I wouldn’t even need a checkbook.  I’m given a passport application and leave a little annoyed but relieved that tomorrow will be the last time I have to come back and this will be taken care of.  

 

Day 3:  

I arrived at the downtown service center with a folder containing my birth certificate, a checkbook, passport photos, my drivers license and papers and a passport application.  I made sure the application was filled out in black ink and answered all questions including my SS#, place of birth, my spouse’s age and place of birth, both of my parent’s dates and cities of birth, my destination, date and duration of trip.  At this point I’m seriously considering just calling INS with an anonymous tip that Bill Young is an illegal immigrant from Mexico.  Less paperwork and free airfare.  I call the US embassy when I want to go home and we all have a good laugh over the mix up.  

I get my number (D239) and sit down and wait for it to get called.  20 minutes go by and no such luck.  No “D” numbers are even being called but other numbers are called like crazy.  When I notice that people seem to be skipping ahead of me in line I go to the receptionist and ask if there’s a problem.  She seemed annoyed by me and asked if I had a number and I showed her the slip.  I told her I already had my photos if that would speed things up.  She told me that it wouldn’t make a difference and returned her gaze back to her computer, indicating she was done with me. 

After a half hour of playing the shitty trivia on the waiting room TVs which consisted of three questions on a loop, I went back to the receptionist desk and another, more helpful person was there.  She apologized and explained that only certain employees can process passports and one was working on a request for a mother and her three kids.  I showed her my number and she said there were still two people ahead of me on top of the family of four currently being helped.  Suppressing the rage that was slowly building in me with the realization that I’ll have to come back a fourth time to take care of this, I thanked her but said I had to leave now and asked her to remove my number from the queue.  

Right at that moment a manager ran to the desk and apologized for the wait.  He said he and another rep were going to start processing passport requests and called out the next numbers in line.  D237, 238 and 240.  The receptionist gave an awkward smile and said to me “Sorry, I just took your number out of the queue like you asked.”  I did what rational person would do in this situation.  I broke down and laughed like a maniac.  “30 seconds!  If you had been here 30 seconds earlier!” I screamed, dribbles of spit running down my mouth as my eye twitched.  The manager, visibly concerned by my actions, quickly pulled out a piece of paper and scrawled some instructions on it.  He gave it to me and said that I could come back the next day and receive priority service for my trouble.  

 

So today’s the day I successfully apply for my passport unless the office is overrun with wild dogs or there’s a fucking gas leak or something.  

 

Seriously.  There’s gotta be an easier way to smuggle heroin.  

Santorum Cum

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unicornbooty.com recently shared this little gem off of presidential hopeful and fetus fetishist Rick Santorum’s website.


It's an acronym!




CUM was pulled off of (or wiped up from?)Rick’s website after the internet had their way with the acronym but people were wondering how this thing got the green light in the first place? Considering his very name has become the subject of sexual humor one would think his staff would be on the lookout for obvious stuff like this. If people only knew the names of all the political projects Santorum came up with that were shot down they’d realize how this one could slip through the cracks. Here’s just a few of his aborted (metaphorically, of course) babies.


Republicans
Against
People
Ever
Acquiring
Social
Security
Rather than supporting the phasing out of social security like his more moderate repulican peers, this was a bill he introduced to allow people to physically slap the checks out of greedy seniors’ hands.


Kindness
Love
And
Nurturing
This was a plan he introduced to allow the crating of homosexuals on commercial flights. You know, to protect families.


Jury
Interrogations for
Secret
Muslims
Santorum actually just started hanging around outside congress and giving copies of this bill to senators when Obama first took office in 2009.

For more information on Rick Santorum and his policies, ask your local Santorun Educational eXtremist- Offering Federal Financial Enthusiasts No Democrats, Ever Repiblican.

I Was the Best Roommate Ever.

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Greetings, foolish mortals! I have to go to the Hennepin County Government Center today to pay a bunch of money for things so here’s an old blog from the dusty, yellowed pages of myspace! It all started when I was living with comedian and professional ghost tickler Mike Brody…


The following is a series of text messages sent between 10:50 AM and 11:32 AM. Our story begins as Brody and I make plans to see a movie tomorrow and I ask him about his date with his girlfriend the previous night…

BRODY: So where’s the movie playing?

ME: Lagoon and I get off work at 1:30 tomorrow. So did you “have” a “good time” last “night”?

ME: IFYOUKNOWWHATIMSAYIN!

ME: Eh? Wink wink?

ME: (nudge nudge)

ME: A little huh? A little what?

ME: If you think I am done YOU ARE SORELY MISTAKEN (panting and howling noises)!

ME: (roll stock footage of train going into tunnel, rocket blasting off, olympic diver executing a perfect double somersault etc.)

ME: (cue the New York Philharmonic.1812 Oveture booms throughout the auditorium)

BRODY: I don’t know. Why don’t you ask her she’s right here.

ME: (orchestra falls silent.First chair trombone picks up a plunger and places it on the horn) WOMP WAAAAHHHHHH ..

ME: Well thanks for stopping me before I started describing the fireworks display and the trained poodles jumping through a hoop.

WOMP WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

The Continuing Saga of You Freaks Typing Weird Shit Into Search Engines.

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Hello, Jena’s facebook friends and people searching for that girl in the “one weird trick” ad! It’s time once again for us to look into the site stats for this blog and see what people are typing into google to get here! I’ve done this time and time again and I never cease to be amazed and a little disgusted. Here we go!


the fuck u dairy dairy
I don’t know if this person is looking for some weird “rule 34” porn or if there’s an actual dairy called the Fuck You Dairy. Their motto: Fuck you! Eat some cheese.


what if i go for days without showering
Do you really need to ask google about this one? Speaking of questions with obvious answers –



will sriracha sauce make my butt hurt
Depends on where it goes in, really.



ways to make a child cry
So I guess there’s at least one person out there who wants to make a child cry but doesn’t know how? At least that person has the internet.



does god want us to yell on a street corner?
Of course he does. That’s why so many people do it.



what does $40 of herion look like picture
I just love the idea of the guy googling this to see if he got ripped off on his score just to come to this blog and find nothing but political rants and fart jokes.


Thanks for searching, weirdos! I hope you find whatever sick thing you’re looking for!

Let’s Talk About the Weather.

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Because my only other option right now is to talk about how scumbag Herman Cain is defending scumbag Newt Gingrich in some weird republican philanderer circle jerk. Let’s just talk about snow instead, shall we?


It’s been a surprisingly mild winter so far here in the Twin Cities. Last year the sky crapped a foot of snow on us every week but this year we’ve only had like four mild dustings of snow. The only real snowfall we got was on New Year’s Eve and nobody was on the road then except for a few cab drivers and me coming home from a show in Stillwater gripping the steering wheel with all my might praying to Xenu that I wouldn’t end up in the ditch. This morning, however, the TC metro has seen over a half inch of snowfall and the Star Tribune reports there has been dozens and dozens of crashes, spinouts and stalls.


Dozens and fucking dozens of crashes. Seriously.


Every year. Every single year people in Minnesota forget how to drive in the snow and the first actual snowfall leads to cars in the ditch. No injuries have been reported which is good because I have little sympathy for first snowfall crashes. The best is when you’re driving down the road during a snowstorm at a reasonable speed (40 on the highway) and see some asshole zip past you in the left lane at like 60. You think to yourself “God I hope that jackass ends up in the ditch” and then you see him in a ditch a couple miles later. Of course your first thought is “Oh man I hope he’s alright” but your second is always “Serves him right”.


Of course, driving too slow is just as dangerous. There are plenty of people too scared to go past 10 miles per hour ON THE FUCKING HIGHWAY when there’s snow on the ground not even thinking that there’s other people on the highway driving much faster that have a bit of a hard time braking because of the snow.


I seriously don’t get it. The general population can’t seriously be so stupid to forget every year that snow=slippery fucking roads. If you’re an adult with a drivers license and an IQ above 80 this shit should kick in when you see the snow or at the very least the first time you hit the brakes. Even if you’ve never driven in the snow you could put 2 and 2 together walking to your car and noticing that the sidewalk is slippery. Here’s the few possible explanations I can think of.


Immigration
Republicans use this as a scapegoat all the time. Why can’t I? Not just illegal immigrants but anybody coming to Minnesota from warmer climates. People in Florida probably think snow is just a thing we yankees made up to scare them away and keep the Mall of America to ourselves. Still, millions of people flock north every year and wreck their cars the first time it snows.

Rohypnol in the water supply
Now this just may be the schizophrenic, homeless, crack addict conspiracy theorist side of me but the government could be spiking the water with roofies so we’ll forget that our professional sports teams are pure shit. Obviously it’s working because we’re building the Vikings a goddamn new stadium but a mild side effect is that the entire state forgets how to drive in the snow every year.

People are just stupid
Probably the most plausable explanation.


So drive safe, people. Maybe you could even drive safe tonight to HUGE Theater tonight to go see me make funnies at Stop Talking: A Game of Talking. Plugs!

How Does SOPA Affect You?

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Yesterday was kind of a shitty time to be on the internet. That’s because big sites like Wikipedia and reddit and a whole lot more (like this site!) were all shut down in protest of the Stop Internet Piracy Act.


Stop him!




If only that’s what internet pirates actually looked like.


Now you may think “I’m not sure about this whole SOPA thing but who needs Wikipedia and Reddit? Reddit’s for nerds and I’ve got my dusty old Encyclopedia Brittanica set. Sure, it’s full of words like Prussia and Eugenics but it still gets the job done!” but SOPA does affect you. If you’re convinced it doesn’t then ask yourself this. Do you watch free internet porn?


Of course you do. You’re a human being and it’s free porn.


If SOPA passes free internet porn will be the first thing to go. SOPA grants companies the power to make a complaint against a website that hosts copyrighted material and can get that site shut down completely (my favorite explanation for sopa was on The Oatmeal’s blackout page). Pretty much every free porn site, xnxx, pornhub, youporn, porntube, hubtube, pornyou, youhub and pornporn hosts some copyrighted material and big porn companies hate the free sites with a passion. Do you know what that means? You have to go back to buying porn. Do you even remember what that’s like? Let me break it down for you.


*It’s expensive
New DVDS are $50. That’s for the good stuff. The normal stuff. You can get some weird bargain bin bizarre stuff for $20 but do you really want to try to force yourself to develop a fetish just because you’re on a budget?

*It’s embarrassing
This one is mainly targeted towards single men. Women and couples can walk into porn shops like they fucking own the place. They’ll giggle at the weird sex toys, marvel at the prices of the blow up dolls and have incredibly loud conversations. Nothing really caps off the already embarrassing experience of going out and buying porn than the brief, disgusted glances of a bachelorette party as you’re looking at the videos. You want to shout out “YES! I’M BUYING PORN! EVERY GUY BUYS PORN! WE ALL DO IT! DON’T SINGLE ME OUT!” but you know the moment you do every other single guy in the place buying porn will drop whatever they have and just run towards the glass pipes and incense (every porn store sells glass pipes and incense) like they have no idea what the crazy porn freak is shouting about.

*It’s gross
One of the best parts of online porn is that you get to choose what you want to watch. Such is not always the case with purchasing at the store. Back in the dark days of 2001, when porn was purchased, there was a thing most stores had that my friends and I called a “fat pack”. It was three magazines or DVDs wrapped up together for a discounted price. The two on the outside were usually something of decent quality and vanilla tastes that either sat on the shelf for too long or the package was slightly damaged. The mag/dvd in the middle that you couldn’t see was always something so weird that they couldn’t sell it to their sickest customers so you’d end up bringing home a copy of “Cankle Lust” or “Period Fancy” that you now had to seal in concrete and burn and throw in the trash and then burn the trash.


Maybe the next time you’re on pornyouhubtubex you should stop for a moment, think how lucky you are and then send an email to your congressperson.

Paula Deen Comes Out as a Diabetic Because Have You Seen Her Show?

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There seems to be only two news stories today. An Italian cruise ship crashed and Paula Deen has diabetes so there’s really only one news story today.


The Queen of Southern Cuisine was diagnosed in 2008 but didn’t come public with her condition until now because her knowledge of the disease was very limited. Really? No way. On a completely unrelated note, here’s Paula Deen making love to a Donut Burger.


[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zv8yEMRDe_w?rel=0&w=420&h=315]


When asked about the obvious connection to the miniature black holes of calories, fat and sugar she makes on her show and her disease she said “On my show I share with you all these yummy, fattening recipes, but I tell people, `in moderation,'” she added. “I’ve always eaten in moderation.” Is it really possible to deep fry cheesecake in moderation?


[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=42oUVwyFsZI?rel=0&w=420&h=315]


Just to recap, she took a slice of cheesecake and covered it in milk chocolate bits. She then wrapped it up in a wonton wrapper and deep fried it. After she took it out she rolled it in powdered sugar, covered it in chocolate and strawberry syrup, covered it in more powdered sugar and then slapped a gob of whipped cream on it. It’s the culinary equivalent of that baseball bat scene in Casino. My left foot went a little numb just watching the video.


The much more obvious reason to her coming out as a diabetic is her new partnership with drug company Novo Nordisk to push a new diabetes drug and promote the program “Diabetes in a New Light” which offers tips on food preparation, stress management and working with doctors on a treatment plan. Here’s a recipe from the plan for people who have always found their insulin injections to be a little flavorless.


Paula Deen’s Yummy Insulin Injection

Ingredients:
40 units insulin
1 hypodermic needle
1 stick butter
1/2 cup sour cream
1 tsp salt
1/2 cup brown sugar

Drop the insulin in a stainless steel bowl with the sour cream and stir in the brown sugar. Grease the area of your stomach where you’ll administer the injection with a little bit of the butter and stir that in. Add a pinch of salt to bring out that nice, insuliney flavor and pour the mix into a cakepan. Cook at 450 degrees for ten minutes and let the insulin cool on a cooling rack. Fill the needle with about 50 units of the insulin cake, making sure to tap out any bubbles, inject and enjoy!



For more recipes like chocolate covered glucose tabs and deep fried insulin go to http://www.diabetesinanewlight.com/

Dreaming of Doilies

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I love crafting tutorials.

What is a crafting tutorial? It’s a tutorial that tells you how to craft something (duh). Sometimes it’s about making your own green grocery bags (have 50 on me). Sometimes it’s about making little girl’s dresses out of dad’s old work shirts (you’d be surprised how many of these there are). Sometimes it’s about repurposing an old thing lying around to be a different old thing lying around (I was wondering what to do with that old Vespa scooter I had lying around. Okay, not true, but I live in uptown. I’m just going to steal some douche-bag hipster’s Vespa to make this).

Many times, you can come up with your own crafting tutorial. Simply put a doily on it.

I’m not kidding. Take a t-shirt and add a doily to it. Take a jar and add a doily to it. Take a cushion and add a doily to it. In fact, I was reading a tutorial that I really liked. It’s about repurposing an old suitcase to be used as a vanity, with hooks under it for towels, and when you close the front of it AAAAAAH IT”S ANOTHER FUCKING DOILY!!!

It used to be Grandpa's suitcase til Grandma got a hold of it...

I think my love of crafting goes back to when I was a kid. In the summers, my brother and I spent our days being watched by a friend of our mom’s who was a Native American (I mean, I bet she still is Native American, but she was also Native American back then). She made her living making crafts out of beads and feathers and porcupine quills off of road kill. I’m not kidding about this… she had bags in the car and if we came across a dead animal, she would carefully (so as not to touch the dead thing) wrap it in a bag and bring it home and boil it. It makes me smile to think of how many fancy ladies bought their oh so authentic Indian jewelry and showed off the dangly porcupine quill earings that they got from a real Indian woman THAT WAS MADE OUT OF ROADKILL.

Growing up, I learned how to do all this crafting. Hell, I probably paid for any daycare expenses by the amount of jewelry I made. I also got to work on feather shields. But the most sacred and holy was the dream catcher. I really had to earn that with her. She told me the stories that her people believed about the dream catcher, how the dreams would get caught in the web, and how the good dreams would be able to find their way to the stones and travel down the feather to the sleeper below, while the bad dreams would get stuck and dry up with the morning sun.

It’s a beautiful story. As I was thinking back to it, I wondered if there was more to it than that, if there was something I wasn’t remembering right. So I hopped in the Googles and looked up dream catchers, and-

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's very authentic.

Another fucking doily.

Craigslist Job Postings: The Legend Continues.

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First off, thanks to everybody who linked/liked/read yesterday’s thing about cookies! Now that a bajillion people are reading this I assure you that I will sell the fuck out as fast as I am able. Maybe I could start doing those annoying blogs that randomly links to products that have nothing to do with the subject matter?


*Note to potential advertisers; I have absolutely no shame and an insatiable hunger for money.


Anyway, enough about the delicious taste of Domino’s new Stuffed Cheesy Bread. Let’s get back to what this blog is all about. Applying for shitty creative job postings on Craigslist!



When I first responded to a shitty Craigslist “talent” job post I was hoping that this could be a weekly thing and though I found a couple other job postings that were awesome/awfully response worthy, I soon found out that most of the “talent” that people were looking for on Craigslist is Bangbus wannabes like Fucktruck, Coozecruise or Chubsub (BBWs getting nailed on submarines. You may remember them from “20,000 Pounds Under the Sea.) looking for women. Seems like according to Craigslist I’m not talented because I’m not a woman who wants to have sex on camera.


Even though the prospects have been thin I still check every once and a while and I think I’ve found a good one.


Seeking Romantic Erotic Fiction For Female Audiences (Anywhere)

Stories should consist of approximately 5,000 words.

The protagonist must be female, perhaps a professional woman (not required), and having interaction with at least one male. Stories should be sexy, sophisticated, and respectful. The stories must have a Happily Ever After ending or a Happy For Now conclusion.
Each story should be written in one of three temperatures: warm, hot or scorching — and indicated as such, according to the following scale:

• Warm: just a reference to a sex toy or bedroom accessory; mild language
• Hot: may be a brief memory of prior use, or somehow an actual experience; descriptive language
• Scorching: actual use during story, perhaps even more than one; explicit language and situations

Stories may be categorized in any of the following sub-genres of erotic romance:

• Historical–takes place in the past
• Contemporary–takes place in current time period
• Multicultural–characters are ethnic
• Ménages`–characters have a relationship that consists of three partners
• Polyamorism–characters have open romantic relationships with more than one person at a time (not the same as having more than one sexual partner, but actual relationships)
• Paranormal–consists of paranormal or speculative elements

However, the following elements will not be considered in submissions:

• Bestiality
• Sex with minors (under age 18)
• Rape, in any form

We are not currently seeking M/M or F/F stories.

Submission Instructions:

• Rich Text format or .doc files, saved as StoryTitle_AuthorName
• 1″ margins all around
• Times New Roman, 12 point font

Initial responses to submissions will be made within three weeks. We look forward to reading your story.

Location: Anywhere
it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: $75


$75? Ka-ching! I’ve never done it before but I think I can write some steamy, Fabio on the cover romance geared toward a female audience.

The Countess Jacqueline DiMargeruite strolled through the stable as she made her way to her favorite horse. As a woman who came from a rich family but still works really hard so she doesn’t have to rely on her parents because she’s independent, riding her horse on the weekends is one of the few things that can relieve the stress of working a long week as a successful business woman. She eyed Juan, an ethnic man of at least 18 years, brushing the mane of one of the horses.

Jacqueline remembered a hot, brief memory of them together in the past.

She noticed he was brushing the horse’s mane too hard. “You should brush softer. Use long, slow strokes” she said. He thanked her for the good advice. Jacqueline loved the way he could take constructive criticism.

He looked up at her. “Such wisdom and such beauty. Please reconsider my offer to run away with me. I know I am just a stable boy but I’m going to college right now to get a practical degree. Something in business or whatever. I’ll be able to provide for you but you can still totally work if you want to.”

Jacqueline blushed. “You know I can’t.”

“Then make love to me, right now! I brought a flannel blanket to lay down on the hay to make it slightly less itchy.”

Jacqueline cupped Juan’s strong, ethnic chin in her hand. “I’m really not in the mood right now. I’m just so exhausted and this week has been ‘ARRRGGH’, you know?”

Juan firmly grasped her shoulders and looked her in the eyes. “Of course. I don’t want my lust for you as a woman to undermine my respect of you as a person. Your needs and desires are just as valid as mine.” Jacqueline shuddered as he leaned in close and whispered into her ear once again “Your needs and desires are just as valid as mine”. Juan stepped back. “Would you please lay down on the blanket and allow me to rub your feet? They must ache from wearing high heels all week at your job as a high powered business executive.”

She laid down on the blanket while Juan rubbed her feet for however long was enough, probably a goddamn hour. Then they watched 27 dresses on his iPad.


Pretty hot. Right, ladies? That’s just a sample, too. In chapter 3 he makes her a dinner and then does the dishes and chapter 5 is just 500 words describing him bringing a toilet seat down after using it.

Guess Who Just Sold Me Ten Boxes of Girl Scout Cookies?

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This girl.


[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y514LSe8FWk?rel=0&w=420&h=315]


In this video a young girl scout makes a plea to boycott Girl Scout Cookies to send a message to GSUSA that it’s not okay to allow transgender girls into girl scout troops. Specifically citing Colorado Girl Scouts admitting Bobby Montoya, a 7 year old transgender girl. She calls GSUSA “dishonest” for not telling people they’re not a bunch of bigots and questions the safety of girls sharing tents on camping trips with trans girls. Like they’re going to get raped or something.


Yeah. Total sexual predator. No doubt.




The sign behind her in the video has the url for honestgirlscouts.com, an organization dedicated to eliminating girl scouts’ acceptance of the gays and sexual education. They’re particularly pissed that GSUSA has ties with Planned Parenthood because over 90% of what they do is abortions (you guys never click the links anyway so I’ll just tell you it’s 3%).


After watching this video (twice! Ugh.) I really wanted to lay into this girl and call her all sorts of names and all sorts of swear words but when it comes down to it, she’s just a kid standing up for her beliefs. What she believes is wrong, misinformed and kind of hateful but it’s her right to ask for a boycott. She even goes as far as to suggest you can donate money directly to the GSUSA instead of buying cookies to send a message so I’m not going to tear her a new one. I’m just going to do what I do best. Eat the shit out of some Girl Scout Cookies.


I am going to eat so many fucking cookies. Anytime I see some girl scouts outside of a grocery store (the one thing I miss about office life is being able to buy Girl Scout Cookies from coworkers) I will buy as many cookies as my budget will allow. My favorite are the Peanut Butter Patties (formerly known as Tagalongs).

Found this image from another wordpress blog that just drools over girl scout cookies. Click the image.




Cookie season is fast approaching and I am on the fucking prowl. Did you know Girl Scouts even have an online cookie locator so you can find the cookies closest to you? God bless the internet.


In the video the girl says that Girl Scout Cookies grossed over $110 mil. in 2010. I sincerely hope this year blows that figure out of the water. This is going to be the tastiest counter-protest ever.


One day Jena will come home to find me in a daze, surrounded by empty boxes of Girl Scout Cookies and covered in crumbs. When she asks “What the hell is going on here?” I will weakly burp out “Equality!” before slipping into a diabetic coma.


Leave a comment and tell me your favorite girl scout cookie. Cookie party!




UPDATE

Looks like the youtube vid went private but I found one that’s still up on a NY Daily News article. Click the link to watch it because it won’t let me embed it for some reason (I’m dumb at HTML is probably the reason). Enjoy!