Yesterday was kind of a shitty time to be on the internet. That’s because big sites like Wikipedia and reddit and a whole lot more (like this site!) were all shut down in protest of the Stop Internet Piracy Act.

Stop him!

If only that’s what internet pirates actually looked like.

Now you may think “I’m not sure about this whole SOPA thing but who needs Wikipedia and Reddit? Reddit’s for nerds and I’ve got my dusty old Encyclopedia Brittanica set. Sure, it’s full of words like Prussia and Eugenics but it still gets the job done!” but SOPA does affect you. If you’re convinced it doesn’t then ask yourself this. Do you watch free internet porn?

Of course you do. You’re a human being and it’s free porn.

If SOPA passes free internet porn will be the first thing to go. SOPA grants companies the power to make a complaint against a website that hosts copyrighted material and can get that site shut down completely (my favorite explanation for sopa was on The Oatmeal’s blackout page). Pretty much every free porn site, xnxx, pornhub, youporn, porntube, hubtube, pornyou, youhub and pornporn hosts some copyrighted material and big porn companies hate the free sites with a passion. Do you know what that means? You have to go back to buying porn. Do you even remember what that’s like? Let me break it down for you.

*It’s expensive
New DVDS are $50. That’s for the good stuff. The normal stuff. You can get some weird bargain bin bizarre stuff for $20 but do you really want to try to force yourself to develop a fetish just because you’re on a budget?

*It’s embarrassing
This one is mainly targeted towards single men. Women and couples can walk into porn shops like they fucking own the place. They’ll giggle at the weird sex toys, marvel at the prices of the blow up dolls and have incredibly loud conversations. Nothing really caps off the already embarrassing experience of going out and buying porn than the brief, disgusted glances of a bachelorette party as you’re looking at the videos. You want to shout out “YES! I’M BUYING PORN! EVERY GUY BUYS PORN! WE ALL DO IT! DON’T SINGLE ME OUT!” but you know the moment you do every other single guy in the place buying porn will drop whatever they have and just run towards the glass pipes and incense (every porn store sells glass pipes and incense) like they have no idea what the crazy porn freak is shouting about.

*It’s gross
One of the best parts of online porn is that you get to choose what you want to watch. Such is not always the case with purchasing at the store. Back in the dark days of 2001, when porn was purchased, there was a thing most stores had that my friends and I called a “fat pack”. It was three magazines or DVDs wrapped up together for a discounted price. The two on the outside were usually something of decent quality and vanilla tastes that either sat on the shelf for too long or the package was slightly damaged. The mag/dvd in the middle that you couldn’t see was always something so weird that they couldn’t sell it to their sickest customers so you’d end up bringing home a copy of “Cankle Lust” or “Period Fancy” that you now had to seal in concrete and burn and throw in the trash and then burn the trash.

Maybe the next time you’re on pornyouhubtubex you should stop for a moment, think how lucky you are and then send an email to your congressperson.