Because my only other option right now is to talk about how scumbag Herman Cain is defending scumbag Newt Gingrich in some weird republican philanderer circle jerk. Let’s just talk about snow instead, shall we?

It’s been a surprisingly mild winter so far here in the Twin Cities. Last year the sky crapped a foot of snow on us every week but this year we’ve only had like four mild dustings of snow. The only real snowfall we got was on New Year’s Eve and nobody was on the road then except for a few cab drivers and me coming home from a show in Stillwater gripping the steering wheel with all my might praying to Xenu that I wouldn’t end up in the ditch. This morning, however, the TC metro has seen over a half inch of snowfall and the Star Tribune reports there has been dozens and dozens of crashes, spinouts and stalls.

Dozens and fucking dozens of crashes. Seriously.

Every year. Every single year people in Minnesota forget how to drive in the snow and the first actual snowfall leads to cars in the ditch. No injuries have been reported which is good because I have little sympathy for first snowfall crashes. The best is when you’re driving down the road during a snowstorm at a reasonable speed (40 on the highway) and see some asshole zip past you in the left lane at like 60. You think to yourself “God I hope that jackass ends up in the ditch” and then you see him in a ditch a couple miles later. Of course your first thought is “Oh man I hope he’s alright” but your second is always “Serves him right”.

Of course, driving too slow is just as dangerous. There are plenty of people too scared to go past 10 miles per hour ON THE FUCKING HIGHWAY when there’s snow on the ground not even thinking that there’s other people on the highway driving much faster that have a bit of a hard time braking because of the snow.

I seriously don’t get it. The general population can’t seriously be so stupid to forget every year that snow=slippery fucking roads. If you’re an adult with a drivers license and an IQ above 80 this shit should kick in when you see the snow or at the very least the first time you hit the brakes. Even if you’ve never driven in the snow you could put 2 and 2 together walking to your car and noticing that the sidewalk is slippery. Here’s the few possible explanations I can think of.

Immigration
Republicans use this as a scapegoat all the time. Why can’t I? Not just illegal immigrants but anybody coming to Minnesota from warmer climates. People in Florida probably think snow is just a thing we yankees made up to scare them away and keep the Mall of America to ourselves. Still, millions of people flock north every year and wreck their cars the first time it snows.

Rohypnol in the water supply
Now this just may be the schizophrenic, homeless, crack addict conspiracy theorist side of me but the government could be spiking the water with roofies so we’ll forget that our professional sports teams are pure shit. Obviously it’s working because we’re building the Vikings a goddamn new stadium but a mild side effect is that the entire state forgets how to drive in the snow every year.

People are just stupid
Probably the most plausable explanation.

So drive safe, people. Maybe you could even drive safe tonight to HUGE Theater tonight to go see me make funnies at Stop Talking: A Game of Talking. Plugs!