The Pope Said What About Who This Time?

Posted on July 29, 2013 by Bill

Francis isn’t your homophobic, anti-intellectual, draconian great grandfather’s Pope.

First he stunned the world by stating that atheists are OK as long as they’re good people. Now he said that gays are cool, too.

Well, not exactly. When asked about homosexuals becoming priests and the supposed “gay lobby” at the Vatican, he said “When I meet a gay person, I have to distinguish between their being gay and being part of a lobby. If they accept the Lord and have goodwill, who am I to judge them? They shouldn’t be marginalized. The tendency (to homosexuality) is not the problem … they’re our brothers.”

Granted, he didn’t come out and say “homosexuality is not a sin”. Homosexuality is still considered a sin in the eyes of Catholicism and it could be construed that the only way out is to become a priest and not have sex at all but this is still a step in the right direction and EXTREMELY open minded by Catholic standards.

While many are applauding his progressive-by-comparison views, facebook and twitter are full of people who think they know the Pope’s job better than the Pope –

There’s a lot of armchair popes out there.

I’m glad that Francis seems to be taking the Church in a new direction but I think he should be careful. He’s doing what no Pope has done before and there’s a reason it hasn’t been done before. You know what they did with the last non-judgemental guy who tried to preach unconditional love and forgiveness?

didn’t end well.

The Royal Baby Has Arrived! But What’s his Name?

Posted on July 24, 2013 by Bill

Prince William of England and his wife, the Duchess of Cambridge have brought a healthy baby boy that is 3rd
in line for the throne. While many babies are born every single minute the world has become absolutely enraptured with this one who has come into the world guaranteed a complete life of luxury because one day he will automatically asssume a job that is completely ceremonial. While the baby has been born, the prince and duchess have yet to tell the world the royal child’s name. Here’s just a few of the possible names that the pair may bestow on the future king.

William II, Electric Boogaloo

Ralph

Joffrey

Arthur

Harry Potter

Wenceslas

Koopa

Pope

Kong

Faraday

We’ll keep you posted with up to the minute news on the royal baby as there is nothing more important going on in the world.

Dangerous Rape Victim Released From Dubai Prison.

Posted on July 22, 2013 by Bill

In a bizzare turn of events, the Vice President of the United Arab Emirates has given a full pardon to Marte Deborah Dalelv, the Norwegian criminal who was apprehended by the authorities after showing up to a police station and reporting that she had been raped. .

The decision to pardon the rape victim have stunned residents of the UAE, a country where rape victims are generally imprisioned or fined without issue.

The rape victim has said she will return home to Norway but was told that she is free to stay in the UAE as long as she no longer tries to tell people if she is sexually assaulted.

While a majority of UAE residents believe this is an isolated incident, a growing number of residents are becoming afraid that this may embolden more women may try to report rapes.

Men normally have nothing to fear from a woman reporting a rape, as the woman can be charged with many different crimes for reporting sexual assault. Anything from making false statement to drinking alcohol or having sex outside of a marriage. However, as was in the case of Marte Deborah Dalelv, her rapist also had to be imprisoned for drinking alcohol and sex outside a marriage. Had he been sober and unmarried he would have merely been charged with the much less severe crime of “illegal sex”. He could even deny that they had sex and he would be charged with nothing.

While Dubai residents are relieved that the rapist has been released from his unjust imprisionment, many are worried that there’s a rape victim roaming the streets. Some activists are calling on the Federal Supreme Council to pass a law to create a sex offense victim registry database to keep track of these dangerous individuals and to alert residents when a rape victim moves into their neighboorhood.

Others are determined to not let fear of rape victims run their lives. One citizen was quoted as saying “I’ve been raping my whole life and I’m not going to stop because I’m afraid I’ll get reported. As soon as you stop raping, that’s when the rape victims win.”

Who is John McAfee?

Posted on July 17, 2013 by Bill

Usually when somebody thinks of the titles “software developer” or “computer pioneer” this is what they think of –

the mouse-over text for this pic on the Bill Gates wiki is literally “a middle aged caucasian man wearing business attire and glasses”.

People think of nerds. Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Steve Wozniak, Ken Thompson and Dennis Ritchie. Bespectacled geeks who look like they spend all their time hunched over a monitor. No time for a social life, these guys need to sacrifice their hygiene so we can have all the wonderful technology we enjoy today.

Then there’s John McAfee.

John McAfee was one of the first people to make virus combating software. After working as a programmer and developer for places like NASA and Lockheed, he founded his own antivirus company in 1987. A few weeks ago he made this video.

Huh.

Okay, that was pretty funny. Not sure what the point was but obviously he’s trying to set up some fake Charlie Sheen-esque persona with the whole snorting generic bath salts through a crazy straw surrounded by guns and strippers –

You’d think a millionaire like him could afford name brand bath salts.

I guess he’s trying to juxtapose his actually nebbish personality since he’s a nerdy computer guy, right?

Wrong.

If you want to read some crazy shit just go to the section of his wikipedia entitled “legal troubles. Apparently, after selling off his company he moved to Belize to write books about yoga and bang 17 year olds. The police raided his home on suspicion of drug manufacturing and possession of an unlicensed weapon. He fled the fucking country because he was listed as a person of interest in the shooting death of one of his neighbors. The prime minister of Belize said McAfee was “paranoid. Bonkers, even”. He was caught in Guatemala and faked a heart attack in jail to avoid extradition. Now he’s living in Portland and making youtube videos with strippers.

So why did he make that video? To promote his website which seems to serve three purposes. To post conspiracy theories, give moral support to Edward Snowden and to promote the biography, graphic novel and documentary he’s making about his life. The biography is being written by George Jung. That name might sound familiar to you because he’s the cocaine baron that was the basis for the movie “Blow”.

No big deal. We all have that buddy of ours who’s an international drug lord.

Holy shit, dude. Are all computer pioneers like this? Is Bill Gates sporting a “thug life” tattoo under that sweater vest? Did Steve Jobs fake his death to elude the Yakuza? I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE ABOUT NERDS ANYMORE.

How To Step Parent.

Posted on July 16, 2013 by Bill

Sometimes I’m asked if step parenting is an easy job. Some people ask because they don’t know what’s involved with it and some people just think I’m a little immature to have authority over children. I’m a little insulted by the second one. I’m actually quite the disciplinarian. Just yesterday Jared didn’t finish cleaning the dishes before going to bed so I left him a note this morning before going to work.

Computers have 10 keys, right? I started counting them, got tired after 9 and just rounded up.

Yes. I misspelled “privileges”. I caught myself right after, was almost done with the note and thought “fuck it. I ain’t starting over”.

That’s how you step parent.

Mexico is Fatter Than us?

Posted on July 9, 2013 by Bill

Growing up I was always told that while us Americans think we’re the best at everything, we’re actually far behind other countries in many aspects. 13th in education, 33rd in life expectancy. As I got older, I learned the only things I could ever rely on America being number 1 at were CEO pay, imprisonment rate and obesity.

Turns out even that absolute is being turned on it’s head because Mexico has passed us as the fattest country in the world.

But… that’s our thing. We’re America.

The McGuire twins. Joint secretaries of state from 1971-1978

There’s just no way Mexico can be fatter than us. Cheap Mexican labor is one of the things that helped us become the fattest and laziest country on earth. Mexican immigrants sweat and toil in the kitchens of our all-you-can-eat-buffets so we can shove greasy fat into our gullets as fast as possible! How did they surpass us?

I have a couple of theories.

1: The Doritos Locos Taco.

Personally I’m a softshell only guy. Make that a double decker and we’ll talk.

Over 500 million Doritos Locos tacos have been sold since their inception. While some of those sales can be attributed to Americans we can all agree that most of those were probably bought by Mexicans since Taco Bell is Mexican cuisine.

2: Republican conspiracy.

Conservatives would love nothing more than Mexicans to stop crossing the border illegally into the United States. Rather than trying to help improve the conditions of their home country or making the legal path to citizenship more attractive and illegal occupation less attractive, they claim the only way to stem the tide is by building a wall or something.

You know what’s easier than building a wall and more profitable? Selling Mexicans so much junk food in Mexico that they get way too fat to hop a fence or swim the Rio Grande on their own.

Smuggling via transport would be harder as well since fewer people would fit in a truck and when the border guard stopped them all the panting and wheezing would tip them off.

The only flaw in this nefatious (that was originally a typo but I left it because it totally fit) scheme is that once the heart attack rates in Mexico skyrocket, they’re going to try to find a way to trim down and what better way to drop some pounds and make some money than to do some landscaping work in the Estados Unidos? The immigration problem will take on a whole new chubby, sweaty face as illegal day labor will be the biggest Mexican workout craze of the decade. If you thought Walmart parking lots had a lot of fat people before…

Well, at least we still have the most people in jail. Nobody’ll ever take that from us. USA! USA!

Fuck Off Friday: Facebook Ads!

Posted on June 21, 2013 by Bill

Okay, kids! It’s Friday and that means it’s time to find something fun to do here on the internet to distract us from thinking about the inexorable march of time that will one day consume us all.

…Alright! Let’s make some internet mischief!

I was originally shown this fun little activity by my friend Becca and I’ve been doing it on facebook whenever I get bored. Facebook has those little sidebar ads and you can hide particular ads if you don’t want to see them anymore.

When you choose to hide an ad, facebook asks why you want to hide the ad and gives you a list of options to check. One of the options is “other” and you can type any reason you’d like.

Any. Reason.

For example, on the above ancestry.com ad I wrote “My family first emigrated to America fleeing Ireland because they were horse thieves. I’m afraid that if I research my family tree on ancestry.com that the descendants of the family we stole the horses from will come to me looking for the descendants of the horses we stole. I’m not ready to give up those horses.”

On this one for Netflix I just wrote “I AM THE CEO OF BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO”.

“Before I got married there was this girl I liked but I never asked her out because I was too shy but I’m pretty sure she knew I liked her and now she works for Grainger and I don’t want her to think I’m stalking her.”

“My horse thieving grandparents were killed by a laser eyed hipster cat you son of a bitch!”

I doubt anybody ever reads these little notes I send to facebook’s ad team (other than the NSA. Zing!) but hopefully all this info is being gathered to tailor ads for me better.

I doubt it, though, since I haven’t received any sidebar ads for horse thief legal defense.

Sneak Peek of new Bob Dylan Biography

Posted on June 13, 2013 by Bill

Bob Dylan has always been mysterious, hard to reach and kind of a dick. In interviews he seems to be either aloof, incomprehensible or just plain confrontational.

It’s hard for fans to try to get insight to a man who is always reinventing himself and while they anxiously await volume 2 of his Autobiography, Chronicles, Jake Maymudes has been working on an biography based on audio tapes recorded by his father, Dylan friend and road manager Victor Maymudes.

The biography recently a kickstarter campaign that, unfortunately, failed to reach it’s goal but the book is still in the works and youngnotions.com recently was able to get a couple of short excerpts of the book for a sneak peek in the life of one of the closest confidants of popular music’s most enigmatic character.

“July 29th, 1966 – Woodstock: Bob called and asked me to come to his place ASAP. Said he was taking things in a new direction. When I drove up to his house there were several schoolbuses parked in a row with a ramp placed next to them. Bob walked out in a rhinestone bedazzled jumpsuit and cape, hopped on his motorcycle and said ‘protest songs are dead.’ He proceeded to line his motorcycle up to the ramp and before putting on his red, white and blue helmet he shouted to me Motorcycle jumps are where it’s at, man! My next tour is going to be nothing but daredevil stunts!’ He revved the engine and sped up the ramp but something went wrong. The motorcycle veered to the right as he went off the ramp and it tossed him wildly off. He landed squarely on his head and I rushed to his side screaming that I’ll call for an ambulance but he pushed me away. Obviously concussed, he stumbled back into his house mumbling about how he had to write a book. I followed him inside, he sat down in front of his typewriter and over the next two hours he wrote the entirety of Tarantula with blood trickling out of his ears.”

“August, 1981: Bob called me up to bounce some song titles off of me to see what I thought. I asked him if this was about John Lennon’s “Serve Yourself” and he told me that he was a Christian and had forgiven John and that it was all water under the bridge. He then asked if he should call his new song ‘I Served Your Mom Last Night You Fucking Limey’ or “You Don’t Seem to Have Any Problem Serving Some Insane Screeching Japanese Fraud’?”

The book has no scheduled release date but will hopefully still be published despite the financial setbacks.

50 Shades Fans Frustrated, But Not Sexually

Posted on June 3, 2013 by Jena

It was announced back in January that there would be a movie made based off the ridiculously popular erotic book “50 Shades of Grey.”

I have to let you know before diving into this that I have not read it. but I have a pretty good idea what the book is about from everyone everywhere. Friends of mine that were excited by it, friends that were bored by it. Some that used it as a checklist of things to try later.

If you have no clue what I’m talking about, let me copy and paste from wikipedia:

Fifty Shades of Grey is a 2011 erotic romance novel by British author E. L. James. It is the first instalment in the Fifty Shades trilogy that traces the deepening relationship between a college graduate, Anastasia Steele, and a young business magnate, Christian Grey. It is notable for its explicitly erotic scenes featuring elements of sexual practices involving bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, and sadism/masochism (BDSM).

The pic will take you to the author’s dungeo- I mean, website. Just his website.

The movie has been announced, but precious little has been said about what’s going on with it. All the entertainment publications are speculating on who’s going to get cast for which role. The producers are keeping their lips tighter than a virgin on her wedding night.

Honey, if you made it this far, I totally get to make that joke. Don’t feign shock and horror. You know you want it. Take it. Explore your comedy kinks.

It’s good for you.

A recent study shows that people who practiced BDSM were more likely to be psychologically healthier than “vanilla” people, or people who didn’t tie each other down and whip each other with wet noodles.

How else do you know when the spaghetti’s done?

There is a lot of speculation as to why this is. The most popular seems to be that people who are honest about their fantasies are less likely to lie to themselves and others about other things going on in their lives. That doesn’t mean all vanilla people are liars. But it’s much more likely that a person will lie and say they don’t want to have hot wax dripped all over them to avoid judgement than a person will lie to say that they do and avoid… being called a wimp, maybe?

Regardless of the whys, it seems E L James getting people talking about BDSM might in fact be helping us to a healthier society.

Unlike those movie producers. They’re purposefully keeping us in the dark. Blindfolded, even. Not letting us know where they’re going to hit us next. I’m sure everyone working on that movie is working under a gag order. Their hands are tied. The tension over this is just building over time, just keeping us waiting in total anticipation, until the moment comes for that ultimate release.

Of movie details.

Michele Bachmann, Make my Birthday Wish Come True

Posted on May 30, 2013 by Bill

Dear Michele Bachmann:

Yesterday I heard that you wouldn’t be running for re-election in 2014. Some people are disheartened by this news. Others are not. You always have been a polarizing figure in politics and the reaction to your news yesterday just further proved that.

Now, I’m not here to gloat, make fun of you or speculate as to why you’re leaving today. I just wanted to bring up an interesting point I heard on NPR yesterday and make a suggestion.

NPR was reporting the details of your announcement and bringing in various pundits from both sides of the fence to discuss what it meant now that you’re leaving and to speculate what you’d do next. At one point it was brought up that you still have campaign funds of approximately $1.9 million. Now, legally you can’t just write a check for yourself since you’re dropping out of the race but those funds do exist and there are certain things that you can do with them. You could use them for legal defense fees in the ethics investigation currently underway, you could use them for another political campaign for yourself or perhaps to support some other republican’s campaign or you could donate it to charity.

Here’s a suggestion. Donate it all to charity.

Sure you could spend the money on lawyers or to prop up another republican campaign but think about just donating it all to charity. What better legacy could you leave? What better swan song than to take your war chest and use it to help an organization that’s out there only trying to do the most good? I’d suggest a completely apolitical organization. Something that has no left or right leanings like feed my starving children. It’s a christian organization but their only goal is to bring food to hungry kids around the world regarless of faith.

The best part of this? No liberal can give you shit for this. I certainly wouldn’t and I’ve taken jabs at you at every available opportunity in the last two years. Liberals would almost be forced to admit that it was incredibly generous of you to donate your campaign funds to charity when you could have easily used the money elsewhere.

Today’s my birthday, Congresswoman Bachmann. All I want is for you to donate your campaign funds to charity.

That and some donuts but you don’t need to help me there.

YoungNotions

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