Tag Archives: food

The Top 10 Foods at the Minnesota State Fair

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Right this way, fatties!

Right this way, fatties!





Today is opening day for the Minnesota State Fair! People from all over will come to the largest state fair in the US to look at tractors for five minutes, start walking toward the animal barns but turn away once they realize how completely awful it smells and then spend all day waiting in line for overpriced fried foods. With over 450 choices, there’s no way you can sample everything the fair has to offer in the 12 days they’re open so here’s a list of my personal favorites to help narrow down your choices.




Soup on a Stick



Deep Fried Mustard Balls



All You Can Drink Butter



Battered Candyburger



The Ponut (combination pancake/donut)



Chickenfried Oreos



Spamshake



Walleye Ice Cream



Chocolate Chip French Fries



Anything from the Deli Express booth




Please consult with your physician before consuming anything at the Minnesota State Fair.

Fuck Off Friday: How To Food

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This is what the internet was built for. Telling people they’re wrong.

This is the comic that got me started on XKCD.

This is the comic that got me started on XKCD.

Usually, people do so because they want to be *right* damnit! But they disguise it as being helpful, or educating, or whatever. Because doing so for your ego would be wrong, and then *you’d* be the one wrong on the internet.

Recently, websites have been telling me I’ve been doing food stuffs all wrong.

The first one of these I saw was an article posted on Facebook titled “So Apparently, We’ve Been Cooking Corn Wrong Our Entire Lives.” When I first saw that, my response was “YOU DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO, INTERNET!!! I’LL COOK MY CORN HOW I LIKE!!! HOW DARE YOU?!?!?”

You're not my real mom!!!

You’re not my real mom!!!

Then I clicked the link. The internet was right. I owe it an apology, but I’m going to sit on it for a bit. I’ll let it haunt me for a while, til I build up a huge guilt complex over it, and then I’ll awkwardly bring it up at a party, and the internet will be like “oh that? Naw, we cool.”

A couple days later, Bill told me he just read an article about how you’re supposed to eat an apple top to bottom, and then there’s no core. I responded “YOU DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO, HUSBAND!!! I’LL EAT MY APPLE HOW I LIKE!!! YOU CAN’T CHANGE PHYSICS BY EATING AN APPLE DIFFERENTLY!! YOU DON’T SCIENCE!!!”

I haven’t tried it yet, but I bet I’ll owe him an apology, too. I mean, he’s not getting one. He’ll forget in like 5 minutes anyway.

On that article I noted several links, so I’ll put them here for you:
So Apparently, We’ve Been Using Ketchup Cups All Wrong
So Apparently, We’ve Been Using Tic Tac Containers All Wrong
So Apparently, We’ve Been Using Chinese Takeout Boxes All Wrong
So Apparently, We’ve Been Using Soda Cans All Wrong
So Apparently, We’ve Been Eating Strawberries All Wrong
So Apparently, We’ve Been Eating Cupcakes All Wrong

Yes, these are all from the same awesome website FoodBeast.com, where you can learn about business card cheese graters and typography cakes. It’s a fantastic site where you can kill a lot of time studying a coffee chart. But they aren’t the only food site on the internet, and they’re not the only ones to tell me what to do.

Here’s a video on how to speed peel a potato:

Chill soda in two minutes:

And holy shit do I have to try this one- speed peel an egg:

These and many more are brought to you by Sprint. Cause you want to be fast when you Sprint. Get it? That’s adorable marketing right there.

Another YouTube series telling me how I’m doing things wrong is a CHOW series titled “You’re Doing It All Wrong” Think you know how to open sparkling wine? Think again.

Anyway, that should be enough for a while. I have to go fold laundry, which I’ve probably been doing wrong this whole time.

Yup.

Et Tu, Peanut Butter?

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I love peanut butter with a passion that sometimes inspires jealousy in my wife. I can eat peanut butter sandwiches every day and not get sick of them. My favorite candy is Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. I even ate the shitty dry peanut butter that came with those school lunch peanut butter cups when other kids would just pull it off the chocolate, throw it away and just eat the chocolate. One time I made a fried peanut butter banana sandwich, the kind that killed Elvis. It was delicious. The king died a happy man.



I can easily say peanut butter is one of my favorite foods and definitely my favorite food-like paste product. That’s really a shame because I need to stop eating peanut butter.



Now I always knew peanut butter wasn’t the healthiest thing I could be eating. Anything that makes an M&M taste better probably isn’t a superfood but I always figured that there wasn’t too much sugar in it and it’s high in protein so it can’t be all that bad. With that sketchy logic in the back of my head I’d make a peanut butter sandwich so large that it would literally be a choking hazard and require a drink of milk between each bite to get down my throat and eat it right before going to bed.



So part of me knew peanut butter wasn’t a health elixer but I never figured how many calories it had until I saw this wisegeek article listing pictures of a couple dozen different 200 calorie portions of foods. Here’s 200 calories worth of baby carrots (all image credit goes to wisegeek.com. Don’t sue!)-



A friend once told me one of her guilty pleasures was "just eating a whole bag of baby carrots in one sitting". I had to explain to her the definition of the words "guilty" and "pleasure".

A friend once told me one of her guilty pleasures was “just eating a whole bag of baby carrots in one sitting”. I had to explain to her the definition of the words “guilty” and “pleasure”.





200 calories will get you a heaping portion of turkey –



For most people that's enough for two sandwiches but for me that's about one sandwich.

For most people that’s enough for two sandwiches but for me that’s about one sandwich.





Almost all of a donut –



Glazed? Throw some chocolate on top, shove some custard in the middle then we'll talk.

Glazed? Throw some chocolate on top, shove some custard in the middle then we’ll talk.





And here’s 200 calories of peanut butter –



Oh shit!

Oh shit!


I literally use four times as much peanut butter as that in a sandwich. I may as well be double fisting Big Macs. You even get more Snickers for 200 calories –



it's not much but it is 7 grams larger.

it’s not much but it is 7 grams larger.



Son of a bitch. Now I have to add peanut butter to the list of things I can’t eat. Pretty soon I’ll just have a diet consisting of egg whites, grapes and spinach.

All the Pretty House Dresses!

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Bill was supposed to blog about this Monday, but he got excited about a thing, then forgot, and then blogged about being drunk instead. In fact, I bet you were hoping for the rest of that cliffhanger today. Oh, it’s coming. But not until tomorrow.

You see, gentle reader, Bill has started a new job. And I have put in my two weeks notice… about a week ago. So in one more week, Bill will be the provider, and I will get to stay home and eat bon-bons while watching my stories.

I’m pretty sure this is what Bill thinks I’ll be doing while he’s working…

We’re doing this switch for a few reasons. 1) I’m better at keeping things clean (though he is a way better cook). 2) I want to spend more time with my son. 3) MY turn, damnit!!!

This is going to alter how YoungNotions.com is run. From now on, Bill and I will be sharing blogging duties. We thought about me doing it, but Bill loves the blogging. Also, his liberal leanings make for much better political blogs than my rather centralist viewpoints. We debated just having Bill blog a couple days a week, but that seemed like robbing the reader.

And hey! This is my blog too. You don’t believe it? It says so right up at the top!

Fine. It’s mostly Bill’s blog. I know you kids love him best. It’s fine. You can have your favorite. But with this life change, we’re all going to have to tighten our belts and make sacrifices, and you’re just going to have to put up with my blog posts from time to time.

You will read them, and you will laugh, damnit!

Now, who wants a fresh baked cookie?

The Best and Worst of the Akumal Comedy Festival.

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Best: Sol Beer.


Sol!




I had never seen Sol beer before going to Mexico. I don’t know if it’s not available in the US or you just can’t find it in the midwest but I soon got to know Sol beer very intimately. I didn’t drink much beer the first few days as beer gives me troubled trousers these days so I mainly stuck to a drink I invented called “Pool Rum”. Here’s how you make a Pool Rum.



1. Grab a bottle of rum.
2. Drink it in a pool.



As the week went on I got a little more courageous with the beer and by the end of the week I was pounding Sol pretty hard with no gut troubles. I’m no scientist but I think that this means that Sol is a tasty magic Mexican beer and they don’t carry it around here because the government is afraid people will learn of it’s healing properties.


Worst: FUD Hot Dogs



FUD





On the third night I picked up some brats, hot dogs and buns for some late night drinkey snacks. We ended up moving to a different rental house the next day and while I remembered to bring the hod dogs and brats, I forgot the buns. That night we were getting into the Sol and pool rum and wanted something to eat but the only food was the brats and dogs. The brats were Johnsonville, a brand that’s everywhere in the states so we knew what we were getting. The dogs were FUD brand.



According to Wikipedia, FUD (pronounced “food”) is an acronym for the Spanish words Fino, Unico y Delicioso (Refined, Unique & Delicious). Looking at it through american eyes you just end up saying “Food” and really over pronouncing the “u” like it’s something you’d find at Ikea. Whatever. It’s pretty hard to fuck up a hot dog, right? We put them in a pan and threw water in to simmer. Festival Comedian and friend Nate Abshire manned the pan while the rest of us got back to drinking.



After a few minutes I looked over to the pan and the hot dogs had swelled to literally three times their size. Their smooth texture had been replaced by a wrinkly one. I asked Nate to describe what it looked like this morning on facebook chat and here’s what he gave me.



“They looked like an uncircumcised penis, riddled with leprosy, slowly becoming engorged with malignant desire.” He’s not wrong.



When they were taken out of the water and off the heat they shrank back down to roughly their original size but the wrinkles and cuts from their hulk out remained. Now they were just withered little things that we had no choice but to eat because we had the drunken munchies and you don’t want to waste food (there’s starving Children in America). They tasted like wet pencil erasers. No amount of hot sauce made them palatable.



The wikipedia article for FUD states that they just struck a deal with a US company to license and distribute the wrinkledick dogs up here. Consider yourself warned.

Pink Slime? Sounds Delicious.

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I’ve been seeing a lot of pink slime in the news lately.


No. That's not Culver's frozen custard. That's meat.




Pink slime is apparently something that’s been in meat for years but is just now getting some media attention thanks to celebrity chef Jamie Oliver. What the meat packing industry does is take all the cow stuff that’s supposed to be in dog food like connective tissue (tendons, ligaments, cartilage, buttholes etc. Basically all the cow parts Eastern European pickle and call regional delicacies), mash it up, centrifuge the fat off it, blast it with ammonia gas (ammonia is commonly found in pee, household cleaners and wood treatment) and mix it up with ground beef.


According to the USDA, it’s safe to eat. People have been eating it for years. The National Meat Association says that it’s all beef since it’s made from cows (cow poop is also made from cows. Cow poop is not beef) but the media has launched a smear campaign against pink slime. Maybe people wouldn’t be so wary of it if it was called something else but when you look at this picture what other names can you think of?


I've stared at this picture for ten minutes and the only names I can come up with are "beef sludge" and "meat goo"




Even if the campaign against cow sludge is just propoganda and cattle muck is perfectly safe and nutritious, the campaign is working. McDonald’s and Taco Bell have both pledged to stop using beef gunk in their food. Can you blame them?


You've eaten this. If you've had a burger in the last fifteen years meat guck has been inside you.




Even though this stuff has been labeled inedible by Taco Bell, the USDA is still selling meat ooze to schools for lunch. While the USDA does have a history of throwing kids under the obesity bus for a quick buck (pizza is a vegetable!), they’ve sort of caved recently and are now letting schools choose if they want beef with pink slime in it. So now the schools get to choose if kids get to eat slurryburgers for lunch.


America!

The Casino Buffet.

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Since writing about what a goddamn pig I am last week I’ve made some healthier choices so I can get myself back down to “husky” or “stout”. I’ve been doing some cardio most days and yesterday I even chose carrots when I could have just as easily made a giant peanut butter and jelly sandwich and eaten it in the pantry so the wife and boy wouldn’t witness my shame. My stomach growled like a dealer growing impatient with a junkie coming up with excuses on why he doesn’t have any money but I ate those carrots. I ate them and told myself that was enough.


These are baby steps but I had a dozen people tell me after that blog that I can’t go on a diet, I have to change my lifestyle. This isn’t about temporarily cutting something out until I’ve lost the desired amount of weight but actually rewiring how I make decisions regarding food and exercise. It makes sense but changing the way one thinks about something as fundamental as eating isn’t the easiest task. To make it even harder I have three shows in casinos this month.



Casino gigs are usually pretty rough. I’ve done shows in a half dozen casinos and the set up has always been the same. You’re usually performing in the “lounge”. A bar in the middle of the casino that isn’t separated from the casino by any walls so the maddening electronic beeps and dings of slot machines assault you from all sides. The only people hanging out in the lounge are the ones that lost all their money already and are waiting for their friends to finish or the bingo bus to arrive or the cyanide capsule to kick in or whatever. It’s pretty much like that episode of Louie but I don’t get to bang Joan Rivers at the end of the night.


You can't tell by looking at it but in this photo I'm telling jokes at a comedy show. Somebody paid me to do this.




The above picture was taken at a casino bar in Wisconsin. The bar was in the middle of the casino and the walkway was the only way to get from one side of the casino to the other. There was no stage and no stage lights. There was no speaker system in the bar so they hooked the mic up to the PA system for the entire casino. Three people were in the bar my entire set and one had his back turned to me, watching the TV that the bartender didn’t turn off for the show. It was the second worst casino gig I’ve ever performed at.


While casino shows are usually an uphill battle and I normally don’t get my hopes up, sometimes they turn out well. For example, any booking agent for any of my upcoming casino gigs googling my name probably has the best show ever. Whether the show itself is good or bad, there’s always one thing to look forward to performing at a casino. The free buffet –


I feel like I died of a heart attack at a young age and went to fat people heaven!




I normally treat the “all you can eat” suggestion of a buffet as a command to eat until I physically am unable to eat anymore and the casino buffet is no exception. Even the smallest casinos usually have a huge buffet with a giant selection. When eating at a buffet the fat part of my mind and the poor part of my mind get together and I eat as much as possible because the more I eat, the better use I’m making of the money I spent and when the buffet is free it’s like I hit the jackpot. They say the house always wins but I’m fucking Rain Man in the casino buffet. I’ll down three plates before I even hit the dessert and when I do get dessert it’s cake, cookies and ice cream. Maybe a slice of pie, too if they got french silk.


I should mention that when I down three plates of food, these are plates arranged fat guy style. When heaping food onto your plate at the casino buffet you have several options –


Regular People:
A normal person will get a few things at the buffet. Maybe even start out with a salad plate and put salad on it. Then they go for a second trip and get food, something that makes sense like turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy and why the hell not a slice of pizza (these people normally wouldn’t have a slice of pizza with a turkey dinner but it’s a buffet!). Third trip they’ll get a dessert.

Overeaters (people like me):
Salad bar? Fuck that. The only time I’m going to the salad bar is to get some chocolate pudding or ranch dressing to dip my chicken fingers. First trip is to get a sampling of as many things as possible on the plate. Foods that were never meant to touch are plopped right next to each other and if a little gravy gets on the spaghetti, so be it. Second trip is for anything that got left out and a second helping of the favorite from the first plate. Third plate is the cool down round. Something light and maybe something weird that I’ve never tried before. Then as many desserts as possible.

The Vacuums:
There are always people at the casino buffet that make my eating habits look normal. These people probably didn’t even come to gamble unless it’s a metaphorical game of Russian Roulette where the chamber’s their aorta, the bullet is a hunk of fat and the trigger is a pile of honey glazed ham. These are the kind of people that have mathematically worked out how much food they can get on a plate to minimize trips and the energy spent walking. One time I saw a lady balance two plates on the front basket of her Rascal scooter while she held a third in her hands. Another time I saw a guy cover a plate of food with pizza slices and then put food on top of the pizza slices. He used food as a plate to put food on top of other foods. These are the champions. The kind of people whose ranks I could one day join if I make the wrong choices.


Like I said, getting healthier is about changing the lifestyle. If I refuse the casino buffet I’ll probably just end up there in the morning eating 50 sausage links for breakfast. I need to make the decision to go there and not eat “all I can eat” otherwise I’ll end up like pizza plate guy, trying to avoid eye contact with the chef as he cuts up the roast beef. The chef, having seen this plenty of times in his career asks “should I just put it on top of the pizza, sir?”


First casino gig’s tomorrow. I’ll let you know if I used the salad plate for salad.

I’m So Goddamn Fat.

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I’ve been fat for a really long time. As an adult I’ve bounced around between 220-250 pounds. My weight fluctuation usually follows a pattern of –


1. Do something strenuous that leaves me gasping for air (shovel the diveway, help a friend move, play a game of kickball, run a half block).

2. Decide to weigh myself after anybody who saw me do the strenuous activity asks if I’m okay and comments how my entire head turned purple during said strenuous activity.

3. Realize that I’m really fat and start working out / dieting. Drop 25 – 30 pounds.

4. Slowly gain weight back, go back to step one.


This cycle usually repeats itself every year or so but the cycle was broken when my bathroom scale died and I didn’t bother getting a new one. We all know ignoring a problem makes the problem go away and as long as I can still tie my own shoes I figured I’m fine. Then I got arrested.


One of the many things they didn’t tell me during the booking process is that at one point I stood on a scale. There was no scale to be seen so I guess it was some cleverly hidden floor thing that weighed me while I got my mugshot. Why don’t they tell you? Were too many self conscious fat people holding up the line by asking to take their pants and shirt off to make sure that the scale gets an accurate reading? Whatever the reason, I found out when my weight was listed on the bracelet they gave me.


268 pounds.



Holy shit that’s the fattest I’ve ever been. That’s weird, though. I don’t think I look that different. Check it out –

Maybe it's all beard weight.





That doesn’t look much different than when I was 30 pounds lighter. The jail scale’s gotta be off or something. That’s it. Probably wasn’t calibrated right.



Wait. What happens if I tilt the angle a bit and move my chin down a little?

Holy shit! Kevin Spacey's gonna make me eat until I die!




AAAAHHH!


Alright. I think it might be time to go back on a diet and start exercising. Dieting’s never easy for me. I eat like a pig. Here’s some of the biggest reasons for why I look like the mom from What’s Eating Gilbert Grape.


Peanut Butter

I actually buy Roundy's Peanut Butter because I'm poor but they don't have any images on google image search so here you go.





I fucking love eating peanut butter so much. The amount of peanut butter I put on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich is pretty disgusting. I’ve used up to a fifth of a jar on a sandwich and I usually make two sandwiches or more. One time I made a hotdog and wondered what it would taste like if I spread peanut butter on the bun. I didn’t follow through with it but the fact that I even thought about it is a little disturbing. Sometimes I take flour tortillas (the giant Chipotle burrito sized ones) and just make a peanut butter and jelly burrito.


Snack Cakes

"Do you eat the icing first or the cake first?" I shove the whole thing in my mouth when nobody's looking and cry.





The picture is of a Hostess cupcake but I’ll eat any brand. Dolly Madison, Mrs. Freshly’s, Entenmann’s, whatever. I’ll take whatever the gas station is selling. I’ll get a package of these anytime I stop at a gas station for any reason. If I’m at a grocery store I’ll get the 12 pack and pretend like they’re for the whole family but Jena and Jared are usually lucky if they get two snack cakes a piece before I have devoured them all. I don’t even bother trying to blame somebody else for eating them all. Whatever. I’m fat. Consider yourself lucky you got two.



Beer
This has become less of an issue recently as I’m finding that I can’t really handle my beer as well the next day (beer shits. I might have a mild gluten allergy or something) but a six pack of beer will cost you 1000-1300 calories, depending on how tasty the beer is (tastier = more calories).


Those are the three main things I need to cut out (I’m aware that I have to eat healthier in general, but these are the main three accomplices to my mantits). My ultimate goal is to not have a Kevin Smith experience when I board a plane in April. Fingers crossed!

Taco Bell Introduces Morning Diarrhea in Test Markets.

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Look, it’s impossible to talk about Taco Bell without making a diarrhea joke so I might as well get it out of the way in the title.


Seriously, though. Taco Bell has started serving breakfast in some stores out west and hopes to have all locations slinging “FirstMeal” (yes, they’re honestly calling it that) in the next couple of years.


They’re going all out, too. They’re not just taking their regular menu of 100 meat paste / bean / cheese / tortilla items that are completely indistinguishable from each other and just throwing in some sausage and egg –


Oh God is that a breakfast crunchwrap?




They’ll be teaming up with other companies to serve stuff like Cinnabon because fuck it, you’re not eating breakfast at Taco Bell because you care about your health.


My favorite part of the USA Today article has to be where Taco Bell admits that their customers aren’t early risers. From the article – “t’s a reflection of Taco Bell’s core customers — the 18- to-20-something crowd that’s generally not up at the crack of dawn.
‘What we found is, they’re not the customer that shows up at 6 a.m. for breakfast,” Niccol said. “We can get those guys on board, they become the evangelists, and then we can start adding additional hours for people that want breakfast at 6 a.m. or 7 a.m.'” Nothing like admitting your core customer base probably doesn’t work regular hours.


As much as I joke about it, I’m totally the target market for this slop. I’ve shamelessly devoured Taco Bell in the past and I’ll do it again. I love the stuff. Hell, I’d probably eat their breakfast but it’s rare that I find myself that drunk at 9 A.M.

Paula Deen Comes Out as a Diabetic Because Have You Seen Her Show?

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There seems to be only two news stories today. An Italian cruise ship crashed and Paula Deen has diabetes so there’s really only one news story today.


The Queen of Southern Cuisine was diagnosed in 2008 but didn’t come public with her condition until now because her knowledge of the disease was very limited. Really? No way. On a completely unrelated note, here’s Paula Deen making love to a Donut Burger.


[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zv8yEMRDe_w?rel=0&w=420&h=315]


When asked about the obvious connection to the miniature black holes of calories, fat and sugar she makes on her show and her disease she said “On my show I share with you all these yummy, fattening recipes, but I tell people, `in moderation,'” she added. “I’ve always eaten in moderation.” Is it really possible to deep fry cheesecake in moderation?


[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=42oUVwyFsZI?rel=0&w=420&h=315]


Just to recap, she took a slice of cheesecake and covered it in milk chocolate bits. She then wrapped it up in a wonton wrapper and deep fried it. After she took it out she rolled it in powdered sugar, covered it in chocolate and strawberry syrup, covered it in more powdered sugar and then slapped a gob of whipped cream on it. It’s the culinary equivalent of that baseball bat scene in Casino. My left foot went a little numb just watching the video.


The much more obvious reason to her coming out as a diabetic is her new partnership with drug company Novo Nordisk to push a new diabetes drug and promote the program “Diabetes in a New Light” which offers tips on food preparation, stress management and working with doctors on a treatment plan. Here’s a recipe from the plan for people who have always found their insulin injections to be a little flavorless.


Paula Deen’s Yummy Insulin Injection

Ingredients:
40 units insulin
1 hypodermic needle
1 stick butter
1/2 cup sour cream
1 tsp salt
1/2 cup brown sugar

Drop the insulin in a stainless steel bowl with the sour cream and stir in the brown sugar. Grease the area of your stomach where you’ll administer the injection with a little bit of the butter and stir that in. Add a pinch of salt to bring out that nice, insuliney flavor and pour the mix into a cakepan. Cook at 450 degrees for ten minutes and let the insulin cool on a cooling rack. Fill the needle with about 50 units of the insulin cake, making sure to tap out any bubbles, inject and enjoy!



For more recipes like chocolate covered glucose tabs and deep fried insulin go to http://www.diabetesinanewlight.com/