I apologise for the slight tardiness of this blog. But really, I can’t stop staring at these eyes.
This is not a new Final Fantasy game….
This is Anastasiya Shpagina, a 19-year-old who loves to play dress up… as anime. She loves to walk around with a friend of hers that does her make up as Barbie, and they walk around together as real life characters. She even does a tutorial on the YouTubes where she shows you how to do the eyes.
I’m actually super impressed. I thought that maybe she had done some weird surgery or something to get GIANT ANIME EYES. (note: I am not Chris Kluwe, that is not a replacement for swearing). But it’s all make up. That right there takes true artistry. She uses and blends makeup in a way that gives here the appearance of an altered body. Not my thing, but I can appreciate it.
I tried to be fair… this was the prettiest bagel-head I could find.
I don’t get it. I mean, I might not be the most punk person out there. I have no tattoos, and the only things pierced on my body are my ears. But I can understand wanting a belly ring. And some tattoos are absolute works of art that you get to carry with you all the time. I can appreciate that.
But I have never turned to someone and said “baby, you know what would make you look prettier? Breakfast food embedded in your forehead.”
I want to know what’s next? Cereal elbows? Pancake breasts (also my nickname in high school)? Bacon Belly?
Well, okay. I can see how someone would be attracted to bacon belly. Mmmmmmm……….. bacon.
Last weekend I went out for my friend Josh’s bachelor party. I had a few drinks and ended up getting a ride home from my friend Brian. I always knew that Brian was a nice guy but that night I discovered he is an angel sent from bacon heaven to spread delicious pork related joy to all around him.
I got in his car that night and he took a five pound vacuum sealed slab of bacon and threw it on my lap and said “do you want this bacon? This restaurant I work for gave it to me a while back and I’m never going to use all of it.”
You’re goddamn motherfucking right I want that bacon. Look at that bacon –
Jared with TheBacon. Once the adoption paperwork goes through they will be brothers.
So much bacon. Think of all the things I can do with this bacon now that I have it. I could –
*Slow cook the whole slab and videotape myself eating it in one sitting, Man vs. Food style. Die almost immediately.
* Hang it off a rack and get in shape punching it.
* Carve it into a bacon sculpture. Try to get a new Minnesota State Fair tradition going. Bacon sculptures sound way better than butter sculptures (sorry, dairy farmers!).
* Throw the giant slab of bacon at criminals’ heads. Fight crime as the superhero “The Baconator” or, if Wendy’s sues, “Baconman”.
* Cut into strips, wrap myself in the strips and go out on Halloween as a Bacon Mummy. Spend all night running from dogs.
* Cut up and package, share with the wife and boy (boring!).
Whatever I do with it, one thing is for certain. I have so much bacon. So much…
Pardon me while I laugh maniacally for ten minutes straight.
Look, it’s impossible to talk about Taco Bell without making a diarrhea joke so I might as well get it out of the way in the title.
Seriously, though. Taco Bell has started serving breakfast in some stores out west and hopes to have all locations slinging “FirstMeal” (yes, they’re honestly calling it that) in the next couple of years.
They’re going all out, too. They’re not just taking their regular menu of 100 meat paste / bean / cheese / tortilla items that are completely indistinguishable from each other and just throwing in some sausage and egg –
Oh God is that a breakfast crunchwrap?
They’ll be teaming up with other companies to serve stuff like Cinnabon because fuck it, you’re not eating breakfast at Taco Bell because you care about your health.
My favorite part of the USA Today article has to be where Taco Bell admits that their customers aren’t early risers. From the article – “t’s a reflection of Taco Bell’s core customers — the 18- to-20-something crowd that’s generally not up at the crack of dawn.
‘What we found is, they’re not the customer that shows up at 6 a.m. for breakfast,” Niccol said. “We can get those guys on board, they become the evangelists, and then we can start adding additional hours for people that want breakfast at 6 a.m. or 7 a.m.’” Nothing like admitting your core customer base probably doesn’t work regular hours.
As much as I joke about it, I’m totally the target market for this slop. I’ve shamelessly devoured Taco Bell in the past and I’ll do it again. I love the stuff. Hell, I’d probably eat their breakfast but it’s rare that I find myself that drunk at 9 A.M.
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