Newly Unveiled Lab Grown Hamburger is Single Greatest Threat to Humanity.

Scientists have recently grown a batch of hamburger meat in-vitro. If production could be scaled up and cost driven down, lab grown meat could replace beef from cattle altogether. This could potentially be great news for the environment as the 1.3 billion cattle on the planet use a lot of water and produce tons of greenhouse gases through the production of methane.

That’s right. Cow farts are killing this planet. True story.

While this could be a great sign for the environment this could potentially spell disaster for humanity. We, as a species, need to keep eating cows if we’re to survive.

Cattle were one of the first animals to be domesticated by humans about 10,000 years ago. Why were they among the first species to be domesticated by early man? Because they were the greatest threat.

People knew the danger posed by cattle if they weren’t tamed. These are 1500 pound beasts with horns we’re talking about. By keeping them docile, penned and full of antibiotics we’re safe but once the need for old fashioned meat dies out these cows and bulls will be released into the wild. With nobody to keep them penned up and fed they’ll have to wander further and further for food, all that walking turning fat into lean muscle. Without careful, supervised breeding taking place different breeds will reproduce. Individual traits from the breeds will mix making stronger, more resilient offspring. After just a few years the gentle giants we so graciously released into the wild will turn from this –



to this –

Holy shit!

Holy shit!

These reawakened beasts will storm our cities, remembering the millennia of torture and confinement we’ve inflicted on them. They’ll tie up the testicles of the men and ride around on their backs while squeezing the milk out of the women’s breasts. The only people who will be spared will be the Hindus who have been kissing the cows’ asses, knowing this day may very well come.

Please. Eat as many hamburgers as you can. For the love of God, eat meat if you want humanity to live!

Pink Slime? Sounds Delicious.

I’ve been seeing a lot of pink slime in the news lately.

No. That's not Culver's frozen custard. That's meat.

Pink slime is apparently something that’s been in meat for years but is just now getting some media attention thanks to celebrity chef Jamie Oliver. What the meat packing industry does is take all the cow stuff that’s supposed to be in dog food like connective tissue (tendons, ligaments, cartilage, buttholes etc. Basically all the cow parts Eastern European pickle and call regional delicacies), mash it up, centrifuge the fat off it, blast it with ammonia gas (ammonia is commonly found in pee, household cleaners and wood treatment) and mix it up with ground beef.

According to the USDA, it’s safe to eat. People have been eating it for years. The National Meat Association says that it’s all beef since it’s made from cows (cow poop is also made from cows. Cow poop is not beef) but the media has launched a smear campaign against pink slime. Maybe people wouldn’t be so wary of it if it was called something else but when you look at this picture what other names can you think of?

I've stared at this picture for ten minutes and the only names I can come up with are "beef sludge" and "meat goo"

Even if the campaign against cow sludge is just propoganda and cattle muck is perfectly safe and nutritious, the campaign is working. McDonald’s and Taco Bell have both pledged to stop using beef gunk in their food. Can you blame them?

You've eaten this. If you've had a burger in the last fifteen years meat guck has been inside you.

Even though this stuff has been labeled inedible by Taco Bell, the USDA is still selling meat ooze to schools for lunch. While the USDA does have a history of throwing kids under the obesity bus for a quick buck (pizza is a vegetable!), they’ve sort of caved recently and are now letting schools choose if they want beef with pink slime in it. So now the schools get to choose if kids get to eat slurryburgers for lunch.