I wouldn’t call myself an enthusiast. An enthusiast is a person who goes all out, who gets every gadget, who fully immerses themselves into it. They participate every opportunity they get. Sometimes, they get specialized ones. Ones that look like this:

That’s not what I meant when I said I wanted a pony.

Or one of these:

From the same page as the pony. Really- there are many more. Click the pic and check them out. We’ll wait.

Or even one of these:

For the bicyclist on the GO! Get it? Huh?

Bicycle enthusiasts are those people that build a killer pedal float and continue to use it.

An enthusiast is a person who joins a bicycle “marching” band. Though, it really is pretty sweet to watch.

I am not an enthusiast. But I have recently gained a love of biking.

I am incredibly lucky to live in Minneapolis where they make bike riding so easy. We consistently rank in the top few US cities for biking (usually #1 or #2, depending on how pissy Portland is being that year). In fact, AAA is going to start offering roadside assistance for bikes in Hennepin county. And we have a very easy and affordable bike sharing system, which I use as my main means of bike transport.

The joke “hey- Nice Ride” never gets old…

I’m a huge advocate for the Nice Ride system (see the sexy blue and green bike pictured above). Living in Uptown, I’m a block away from a station. I bike two blocks to a bike boulevard, and from there, I can get onto the greenway, a bike “freeway” for bikes. It’s like a whole different world down there, with cute gardens and bike friendly restaurants. The path is lighted, there are emergency call boxes, and even a volunteer Trail Watch group that patrols the greenway.

From the greenway, I can go a great distance safely. I try to put in 7 miles a day. Sometimes this is to or from rehearsal, which has a Nice Ride station next door. Sometimes, this is to local businesses. Sometimes this is biking around a couple of lakes I happen to live near.

Now, there aren’t Nice Ride stations everywhere I want to go. I think my only complaint is that there aren’t more of them scattered throughout Minneapolis. But that’s a trade off I’m willing to make for my favorite reason to use Nice Ride- I don’t have to worry about the bike itself. Just pick out a bike at the station, check it out with my fob, and go. No taking it in to get fixed or even filling the tires. And absolutely zero worries about someone stealing it.

Which is what happened to Danny Lesh in Washington. Someone stole his bike. Cut the chain and took it. And then, Danny found the bike listed on Ebay. He called police, but they had more pressing engagements at the moment. So Danny did the only logical thing.

He stole his bike back.

He contacted the thief as an interested buyer. Showed up, looked it over, and asked if he could take it out for a test ride. And then just pedaled off with it. After 4 blocks, a sympathetic cabbie gave him a lift. By the time the thief called Danny to ask what was up, Danny was on the other side of town.

My favorite part is that the thief threatened to call the police on him. Okay buddy. You go ahead and do that.

I’m going to tell you a story about last night.

Some of you know that Bill and I have both spent an awful lot of time involved with the Monday Night Comedy Show. He performs there every few weeks or so, and has about 75 performances there tucked under his belt (the only one with more performances is P Bau, with 76. He got an award. It was a big deal). I’ve been going to, performing at, and helping with the MNCS since show #8. Bill and I did a lot of our dating at MNCS, and when Bill asked me to marry him, the first thing we did was set a date. The second thing we did was ask the host of MNCS to officiate our wedding.

Several years ago, when the show was just starting out and numbers were low, I found myself in a meeting where talk of shutting down the show occurred. It was about that time of that meeting that I made the MNCS logo (I saw the need for a little marketing and branding, and couldn’t resist the opportunity to help out friends in need).

I get royalties in free shows and a neat little Viking pin. Worth it.

The kids decided not to shut the show down, and last night, the show celebrated 6 years of near weekly performances.

As happens to me frequently, I was double booked, but after an awesome rehearsal, I went to the MNCS anniversary show and caught the last half. If you were there, you know how awesome it was. If you weren’t, there’s no way I can describe it.

But the takeaway from this is that my husband, who only drinks about once a month or so, was served by a bartender of legend, who pours the stiffest drinks this side of the Mississippi. So my husband was DRUNK. Repeating the same thing 50 times drunk. Rambling about the same thing, trying to make a point he made 5 minutes ago but doesn’t feel like he made sufficiently yet. Telling me secrets that weren’t secrets, dropping things, waking the boy while being super loud while trying to be quiet.

He was really fucking drunk, you guys.

I’m the sober cab, and I get him in the car, and drive towards home. And he’s rambling over and over about how awesome his coworkers are, and other such ramblings. I pull up to our house about 11pm. Our next door neighbor is on his front sidewalk, with ropes hanging off his boulevard tree, tying something to the end of it.

This calls for further investigation.

So we ask what’s up, and the guy says that his buddy is in the tree, getting rid of some squirrels that have started stealing their insulation. Not killing them, but knocking down their houses so that they realize it’s an unsafe place and move on.

I wonder if their homeowners insurance covers act of man, or will they have to fund their new homes out of pocket?

Anyway, I look up, and sure enough, there’s a guy in the tree, with safety ropes and harnesses and everything. and he’s pulling up the thing that was tied to the rope up to him. “Say- what is that tied to the rope?”

Beer. The guy in the tree wanted a beer, and my neighbor sent one up to him with his own safety ropes.

And it’s at this point Bill says “so you mean there’s beer in that tree?” And then decides he’s going to climb the tree to get some beer. My neighbor is encouraging this, and I try to talk him away, and he’s trying to decide how he’s getting up that tree with it’s lowest branches 15 feet off the ground. 5 minutes later, he realizes that there are ropes.

He’s becoming serious. and he is far too drunk. So I whip out the ultimatum that says I’m serious… I mean, I’d never follow through on it, but some couples have key phrases to let the other one know they’re serious. “If you try to climb that tree, you are never getting laid again.”

And then my husband says a thing that in my mind, totally sums up him, his ability to cut through bullshit, and get to the point of the matter. That he can assess with such ease, even while drunk as fuck, the exact situation, prioritize his desired outcome, and communicate effectively his intent and wishes in a deliberate and concise manner.

“Woman, I’m pretty sure I can get a slut like you to have sex with me again, but that is TREE BEER.”

Bill did not climb the tree last night. Instead, he set up the hookah, flipped off a police officer while he wasn’t looking, told me secrets I already knew, and made cold hot dogs with mayo even though we have a working microwave. But even though he didn’t climb that tree, I feel he will always have tree beer in his heart.

I am a Christian, and most people would say I am smarter than you.

I don’t mean that I know more than you do, or that I actually have more intelligence, or that I put it into practice more often. I probably don’t even make better decisions than you. One time, I did drunk DDR with a guy who managed to break both of his legs within the same year in two fairly non-leg breaking activities. And I plan to repeat the activity. I guarantee you that you make better decisions than I do.

No, what I mean is that my IQ is probably higher. Which is a silly thing to judge a person on, but it happens all the time… that fucking number. It means dick-all. I tell my son repeatedly that it doesn’t matter how smart you are, or what you’re capable of. What matters is what you do with those abilities.

But so many people put stock in that number. If I told you what it was, you’d be all “shit, son! You’se smart.” And I wouldn’t even correct your grammar, because that’s a dick thing to do.

I bring up intelligence because it comes up ALL THE TIME around me. There is a stereotype that Christians are dumb. I have been told point blank that I am stupid because I choose to believe in a God. I’ve been told that I’m too smart to be a Christian. There’s a pervasive idea that people have to choose to either accept God or accept science. That the two can’t exist in the same space, and the idea is promoted by activists on both sides of the divide, which wouldn’t exist at all if people didn’t keep creating the damned thing. The concept does a disservice to both.

It is illogical to have a faith, therefore the person with faith must be illogical. Now, I will agree that faith is an illogical thing. If I applied logic to my faith, 2 things would happen. First, I wouldn’t be a Christian. It’s probably the most ridiculous of all the beliefs still practiced, the idea that the son of God was killed and then came back to life. WHAT ABOUT DECAY? He wasn’t even a zombie. Second, if I applied logic to faith, IT WOULDN’T BE FAITH!!!

I bring up all of this because today’s theme for Fuck Off Friday is Blasphemy. I was wandering the internet, and I stumbled across jesuschristarcade.com, and my first thought was not OMG THOSE HEATHEN FREAKS ARE ALL GOING TO HELL. No, it was “huh, I wonder if it’s Jesus bashing or satire.”

And the lovely answer is that though there are bits of both on this site, but mostly, it’s just Jesus themed silliness. Though I disagree with Jesus having to dodge science books to shoot down airplanes taken over by terrorists with laser beams that shoot out of his eyes before the world trade center collapse, my major complaint is that the science books perpetuate a stereotype. And it’s an issue because it’s the one *I* have to deal with all the time.

But fuck is Super Jesus fun.

Another favorite Jesus flash game is Run Jesus Run: aka the 10 second gospel you have 10 seconds to beat the game by moving with arrows and clicking the spacebar to “do Jesus things.”

Flash games not your thing? There’s a LOL Jesus meme out there. I went to Know Your Meme to get the best ones. Click the image to go to that page and browse the blasphemous goodness:

And to close on a high note, Adam and Eve in Epic Rap Battles of History:

I hope you all have a good Friday. Not a Religious Good Friday. Just a pleasant closing to the week.

Many of you know that I participate in several charity events throughout the year. I do several charity walks (listed on the side bar of jenayoung.com) My next one is this Sunday with my son’s stepmother who has effectively gone deaf due to MS. If you’d like to donate, you may do so at http://tinyurl.com/JenaMS. I’d really appreciate it, as I haven’t managed to raise any money for this one yet.

My son and I at the 2010 AIDS walk.

For most people, all that walking sounds like a lot of effort. It’s not really. But I always get people that say things like “Gross. Is there charity work I can do that’s more fun?” Well, you can’t, but I can.

I also help organize and participate in a couple of gaming marathons with High Charity. The money from the gaming marathons goes directly to Child’s Play Charity, and organization that puts gaming consoles in the rooms of hospitals with long term care children. Playing video games helps bring a bit of normalcy into an environment that is often cold and stale and scary. Our next marathon is a Masocore Marathon over Memorial Day Weekend, where we play difficult and frustrating games. You should watch us at highcharity.org and give us money for doing stupid things.

But still, for some people, that’s just too much. “An entire weekend of gaming? Gross. Is there a Lazy-a-Thon or something I can do?”

How about a Float-a-Thon to raise money for Ronald McDonald house?

A Review-a-Thon, where you post as many reviews on Amazon as you can.

And yes, there is an actual Laz-a-Thon, where every dollar donated is another minute the participants don’t do anything.

But as good as all this sounds, I think my all time favorite that I happened to stumble across this morning is the Masturbate-a-Thon. A marathon of masturbation to raise awareness for, well, masturbation. The goal is to put jerking off, rubbing one out, and wanking in a positive light. It’s produced by the Center for Sex and Culture, and I can’t tell you how tickled I am that there is one. They’ve done streaming and such in the past, though I can’t find anything on the event past 2011.

I guess they just tired themselves out.

I once watched a little promo thing about the Google offices where a dude sped by on a scooter and people had sushi for lunch. Bean bag chairs and bright colors. A cool, fun office place making work seem more like play.

With limited to no lead in, I give you these phrases to type into google:
“define anagram”
“do a barrel roll”
“tilt”
“zerg rush”
“binary”
“recursion”

Do you use Google calculator? Try to find these:
“the answer to life, the universe, and everything”
“a bakers dozen”
“the loneliest number”

In google maps:
Search for walking directions from China to Japan.
Search for directions from The Shire to Mordor.
SEarch for directions from America to Japan
Search for directions from United States to United Kingdom.

Want more fun time wasters with Google? GOOGLE IT!

Bill does those blog posts about what search results get people to this blog. I decided to take a look at what it is that people are looking for when they come to YoungNotions.com.

Sex. Lots and lots of sex. All the sex.

Here is a short sample of sex related search terms in the past few months, linking back to the blog post that I think got the searcher to our comedy blog.

home sex 117
home sex video 7
sexvideo 5
sex home video 3
sex video 3
homesex 2
home sex. 2

Turtle Home Sex Video

Can you guys imagine what it’s like to be looking for some good old amatuer home sex videos, dick in your hand already half hard, and instead find turtles humping shoes? This makes me giggle every time.

canada porn 12
canadian mountie porn 6
canadian porn 5
exxxtacy video thunder bay 3
süper porn canada 1
canada pick up porn 1
dudley do-her-right porn 1
june with big tits and christian canada porno 1

Canadian Porn

I’ve always wondered how Canadian porn was different than US porn. With their healthcare system, probably less STDs.

sexy sex blog 5
sexysexblog 3
sexy talk blog 3
phone talk sexily 2
sexysex.blogspot 2
sexypeaple sex 1

Sexy Sex Blog: Where Sexy People Talk Sexily About Sex

If you haven’t read this yet, go do it now. Also? 8 more years til I get to consummate my marriage!

kids fuck 9
kid fuck 1
chideren fuck.com/ 1
“kids fuck ” 1

Hey Kids! Fuck You!

Not child porn in the least. Those poor, disappointed pedophiles.

toe socks sex 8
porn with socks on both people 3
sex in toe sock 2
toe’s sock porn 1

The Things You Weirdos Type Into Search Engines Volume 473: Toe Sock Sex

This one is a blog post about how there are search engine results about toe sock sex, with a nice little love story thrown in. On the plus side, if we generate enough interest, we might be able to start a Fetishist dating website and really start raking in the dough.

food blowjob 2
blowjob contest 2
blowjob for food 1
stand-up blow job contest 1

Ames Straw Poll / Food Blowjob Contest

Because sometimes Bill goes for the low-hanging corndog.

young porn 2
porn..young 1
young sex blog 2
oh bill porn 2

THE WEBSITE ITSELF.

Look, when we decided to create a comedy site, we used our name because we’re narcissistic. We blog about sex and porn because, well, let’s face it… sex is funny. Often, it’s two people trying not to be awkward and failing horribly. It’s the kid in high school trying to be smooth and then tripping over nothing, only naked, with all his floppy bits out there. How is that not funny?

Unless you’re having sex hanging upside down in nature and stuff. THEN maybe you’re a cool and smooth as you think you are.

Our society has these weird ideals that we should all be awesome in the sack. Absolutely top-notch players, without ever having the experience to do so. As a woman, there’s a level of being good at sex, being able to “please a man” without every having pleased any man prior. Every guy should be your first guy. Men might be allowed to be studs and get practice, but come on- let’s face it- every sexual encounter is different. Not just with each individual, but each encounter with even the same person over a lifetime. Not all of them are going to be great. Sometimes, your vagina is going to make farting noises while he slips and bonks you on the head. And sometimes, when it gets really intense, and you’re both taking the whole thing way too seriously… sometimes the best thing you can do is lean into your lover’s ear and whisper “Margaret Thatcher NAKED” and burst into giggles.

By the way, “Margaret Thatcher naked” was a search engine term. Try to get *that* one out of your head.

You’re welcome.

There are time wasters, and then there are things that are a complete waste of time.

Such as JelloTime.com. All it is is an image of jello. you move your mouse over it, and it wiggles.

And I can’t stop doing it. It’s the dumbest thing. Dumber than stress balls, which are the worst marketing ploy ever. “Let’s put our logo on a piece of foam and tell people it’ll make them feel better.”

Because turkey.

And yet, here we are. Cubes covered in shitty stress balls that we often play with out of, well, usually boredom.

What about a regular bouncy ball? That at least makes more sense. Just throw it into a box and watch it bounce around.

How about Bubble Wrap? People often talk about how therapeutic bubble wrap is… just get that frustration out in a miniscule act of destruction.

We often collect other weird toys to have at the cube. Like those sticky stretchy hands that you wack against the side of the wall on that strip that isn’t covered in fabric, so you can have the satisfaction of pulling it away.

Why is that so very satisfying?

Another cube toy is the snow globe. I’m particularly fond of this one, because it has little people doing things, and when you shake it up, they go right back to doing whatever they were doing before.

But I think the ultimate in office toys is the Magic 8 Ball. I used to have a sarcastic 8 ball, where I would ask it a question, and it would respond with things like “yeah right!” and “…and maybe I’m the pope.”

Here’s the problem with online Magic 8 balls… no shaking. I went through probably a dozen of these, and they were all just fancy displays for answers… no shaking. And that’s the satisfying part.

Programmers, make me a magic 8 ball I can shake, and I will pimp the shit out of your site. Until then, here’s just a few that I found online:

This one looks alright.
Possibly the oldest online 8 ball.
This one should be better for how pretty the site is.
This one looks like a student project.
For people who like dragons and shitty animation.
This one has some favorite answers, such as “seek Jesus” and “go on a diet.”

The best one, where the image at least shakes.

Happy slacking!