Author Archives: Bill

I Was a Business Professional

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Did you know that before I was a full time stay at home mom / unpaid blogger / sometimes comedian I was a sometimes comedian that worked in low level corporate jobs? It’s true! I still own a few pairs of khakis!


One of the jobs I worked at was as a glorified receptionist at a large insurance company. I answered calls, entered data, shuffled papers and sorted mail. It was when I worked at this job that I made this little blog ditty for MySpace so sit back and enjoy some honest to goodness Dilbert-style office humor!



I remember sitting in class after class in high school thinking “This doesn’t apply to me. I will never use this knowledge in the real world. I’m not going to grow up to be a historian/chemist/algebrarian/professional dodgeball player. Why do I have to sit here and learn shit that I’ll never apply?”



Looking back, I now realize that by forcing us to learn stupid, usless, inapplicable things that school was truly preparing my generation for the real world. A world where most of us would end up in low level corporate jobs sitting through two hour long meetings learning things that have absolutely nothing to do with our jobs.



My public education experience really came in handy today when I had to sit through two hours of fraud training. I’ve never committed fraud. I never will. I’m not in a position where the opportunity for fraud is available and if it were, I wouldn’t know how to go about committing it. The company knows this but one time a guy committed fraud and now we all have to suffer.
No biggie. I can take it. I took advanced algebra and if faking it in high school taught me one thing (and it did only teach me one thing) it’s to take a lot of notes so you look like you’re paying attention. Here’s a scan of the notes I took.

Only practicing good business ethics can save us from Fraud-Bot!





*CSI: Corporate Security Investigator. The people that investigate fraud in the company
**Rocket Skateboard: Like a skateboard but with rockets instead of wheels. Allows flight.



Moral of the story: I probably should have stayed in college. I’ll bet chemists or algebrarians don’t have to sit through yearly fraud training.
p.s. In my perfect world, every robot has antennae on the top of their heads with a small stream of electricity constantly flowing between them. It’s just how it should be.

Payroll Tax Cut: What Does $40 Mean to You?

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CNN reports that the House rejected the Senate bill to extend the payroll tax cut, set to expire on Dec. 31st. Once expired, the average family would see their taxes raised about $1,000 per year or roughly $40 per paycheck. CNN.com is asking it’s readers what $40 dollars means to them so here’s what $40 means to me.


160 PACKETS OF RAMEN

Maruchan means "Round child" or "1,660 mg of sodium"

Frankly I don’t care for the stuff but Jena likes it and the boy goes crazy for it so we usually keep a few on hand for a quick cheap meal. They’re 25 cents each so $40 will get you 160 packets. That’s a lot of Ramen. I’m getting varicose veins just thinking about all that Ramen.


ONE BOTTLE OF REALLY GOOD BOOZE, TWO BOTTLES OF DECENT BOOZE OR THREE BOTTLES OF SHIT BOOZE
If I’m feeling lazy there’s actually a liquor store in my neighborhood that delivers for $5 but their booze is a little pricier so more like one bottle of decent booze or two bottles of shit.


FOUR MONTHS OF NETFLIX STREAMING
We downgraded our cable tv to basic so Netflix is where we get almost all of our home entertainment now. Don’t take away my Netflix, John Boehner. I just got into Dr. Who.


A TOTALLY RAD PIZZA PARTY
$40 could get you a couple of awesome pizzas, some wings or breadsticks and a couple of two liters of soda.


As you can see, $40 can get you a lot these days. Movies, booze, pizza or four blowjobs from House Speaker John Boehner’s mom. Boom!



p.s. The editor of the “Dear Me” book emailed me about my blog from Monday and asked if he could put it in the readers letters section of his website. Check it out here!

So Much Funukkah: A Goy’s Guide to Hanukkah

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Tonight marks the first night of Hanukkah and while people of the Jewish faith light the first candle of their menorahs, give gifts, play games and recite prayers Christians all over America scratch their heads in confusion. Where’s the Santa? Where’s the tree? This isn’t Christian at all! What’s with the funny candleholder and the spinning top game?

It can all be very confusing to those of us on Team Jesus and let’s face it, ignorance of other cultures is kind of an American tradition but fear not because below is a handy dandy guide to the “Festival of Lights”!


SPELLING
You’ve no doubt seen it spelled more than one way in your lifetime. While Wikipedia prefers the spelling “Hanukkah” but recognizes Romanized spellings like “Chanukah”, the blog joemaller.com compiled a list of 16 different spellings according to google hits –

Hanukkah
Chanukah
Hanukah
Hannukah
Chanuka
Chanukkah
Hanuka
Channukah
Chanukka
Hanukka
Hannuka
Hannukkah
Channuka
Xanuka
Hannukka
Channukkah
Channukka
Chanuqa

According to wordpress spell check, the only two of these that are acceptable are Hanukkah and Hanuka (Hanuka Mattata!).


HISTORY
Way back in toga times, the Syrian Empire was slaughtering the Jews for the same reason any group of assholes slaughtered Jews throughout history, for being Jewish. They banned the practice of the Jewish faith and even went so far as to desecrate the Temple of Jerusalem by sacrificing pigs at the altar in the name of Zeus. This led to a wide scale revolt led by Judah Maccabee (who earned the badass nickname “Judah the Hammer”). They beat back the invading forces and rededicated the temple. The temple was cleansed and the menorah was lit. The menorah was supposed to burn every night but there was only enough oil to burn for one night. The menorah, however, burned eight nights, just enough time to get more oil. Hanukkah celebrates the freedom this rebellion provided and the miracle of the oil.


MENORAH
The menorah or, as many Christians refer to it, the Jewish Christmas tree, is the most recognizable symbol of the holiday. It has nine candles (eight for each night and one to light the others) and a prayer is said as each one is lit at nightfall. The menorah can come in many different designs and while most are usually understated and humble, even Hanukkah isn’t safe from the horrors of American consumerism.

from the blog randomhandprints. She does a whole series on ugly menorahs. click for the link..




GELT
Chocolate coins! This started out as a Hanukkah tradition where parents would give their kids gifts of money. The American chocolate company Lofts started making chocolate gold coins in the 1920s when they noticed the Jewish communities weren’t really buying a lot of chocolate Santas. Gifts started to be given in place of gelt in America in the 1950s as the baby boomers turned Christmas into a child’s wet dream and Jewish families didn’t want their kids to feel left out but gelt is still a part of the holiday and available at most stores. I even remember getting some in my Christmas stocking as a kid (I think they’re labled “holiday coins” or something at Wallgreen’s).

What's the holidays without a little diabetes?


DREIDEL

Come on, gimel!


The dreidel is a four sided top with a letter of the Hebrew alphabet on each side. Nun, Gimel, Hei and Shin. Together they form the acronym (in Hebrew) for “A Great Miracle Happened there”. You play by gambling with the chocolate gelt or real money if you’re not a wuss. Each player puts a piece in the pot and takes turns spinning. Actions are taken based on how the dreidel lands face up –

Gimel: You get everything in the pot
Hei: You get half the pieces in the pot
Nun: You get nothing
Shin: You put a piece in the pot

I haven’t worked it out yet but I’m pretty sure this can easily be turned into a drinking game.

I just googled "dreidel hat" on a whim. It exists!





For more information on Hanukkah, ask an Adam Sandler song.

A Letter to my Sixteen Year Old Self.

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Checking out the “Freshly Pressed” section of wordpress last night I came across a blog entry entitled “Dear Me: A Letter to my Sixteen Year Old Self”. It talks about a book that recently came out by the same name in which a bunch of celebrities write letters to their sixteen year old selves. J.K. Rowling, John Waters, Rose McGowan, even Jim Belushi writes a letter to his sixteen year old self (you think the letter would say something like “Hey your much funnier older brother is gonna die in 12 years of a drug overdose so do something about that” but it just talks about how he’ll do well in a school play or some bullshit). The sentiment rings a little hollow since these are all celebrities writing to their younger selves (just be you! It’ll make you millions of dollars tee hee!) but it’s still a pretty nice idea.


Reading about this inspired the blogger to write her own letter to herself at sixteen. There’s actually a section on the book’s website where you can submit your own so I thought I’d give it a try and write a letter to the person I was thirteen years ago.

Young, thin and a head full of hair. Damn your beauty, younger self!




Dear me circa 1998;

Okay, I’m going to need you to stop masturbating for like five minutes to read this. Please, just stop. I know what you’re doing in there. It’s you from the future. Listen, just stop jacking off for two minutes. That’s all I need. Two minutes. I KNOW YOU’RE NOT GOING TO THE BATHROOM IN THERE. Just stop it, I’m begging you. I traveled back in motherfucking time to give you this stupid letter so could you just for once hold off on spanking it?

I know it’s not easy. You’re sixteen, it’s going to be an hour before anybody gets home and the new Frederick’s of Hollywood catalog just came in the mail but you have a whole life of whacking off ahead of you. Pretty soon you won’t even need that Frederick’s of Hollywood catalog! You’ll have actual porn!

You can totally almost see her entire boob. Thank God for Victoria's Secret's trashy sister.

Jesus Christ are you even listening to me? I”m from the goddamn future! You could learn so much! Oh, for fucks sake running the shower doesn’t help. I know what you’re doing in there!

Aren’t you even curious about what happens to you? You get laid someday, how about that? It’s true. You end up having sex! With women! For free! You even get married and not even in the shotgun marriage situation that you always assume is going to happen! Sex! With multiple women! Most of whom are actually pretty hot! Followed by a happy marriage!

I will tell you that you don’t lose your virginity until you’re twenty but it doesn’t have to be like that. You could probably get laid in high school. Look at you! If you would just pull up your pants for five seconds and come meet the trainwreck that your body becomes and realize that you can get laid looking like I do you might actually get the confidence needed to talk to girls instead of SPENDING ALL AFTERNOON USING THE CONDITIONER FOR PURPOSES THAT IT WAS NOT INTENDED. Seriously. If you just had the confidence and stopped styling your hair like a young Ted Koppel you could cut a swath of hedonism through that goddamn school.

You’re seriously still in there? Holy shit. Here. I have last week’s winning Powerball numbers. How would you like to be a multimillionaire in thirteen years?

…

Whatever. Fine. I’m just going to slip this letter under the door. It’s about being true to yourself or some bullshit. Have fun wasting your teenage years jacking off and playing Final Fantasy VII.

Let’s Watch Some Shitty ’90s Music Videos!

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If you’re anything like me you’re probably tired as shit right now because you drove your sister to the airport at 4-in-the-fucking-A-M and you don’t want to write a blog. You don’t want to do anything but watch some awful music videos that were somehow popular 11-15 years ago. Let’s do that together.


[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3mbBbFH9fAg?rel=0&w=420&h=315]

This whole obsession with awful music videos started with Brody showing me this one. This video is like a five minute argument against everything “Gen-X”. The band rolling their eyes through the performance like they’d rather be somewhere else. The stupid imagery of how suburban life is all fake and hollow. There’s seriously a Barbie burning on a grill. The awful stretchy-face computer graphics. Speaking of awful computer graphics-



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YSCfIVa9Shs?rel=0&w=420&h=315]

This is just lazy writing and directing. If the director had listened to the entire song and wanted to do a faithful adaptation, the video would have been about the singer of Del Amitri spending all night trying to convince some girl to cheat on her boyfriend. Instead, the director heard the first line of the song and noted that it contained the words “pretty” and “baby”. This visionary director then decided the video should be pretty women pushing around the band as babies around in strollers. I had to learn this song for a monthly comedy show I did for a few years ago and watched the video multiple times to memorize the song. Too many times. I still have the occasional nightmare of a Del Amitri headed baby trying to seduce me.



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hG9C0VwruXE?rel=0&w=420&h=315]

The video for this isn’t particularly awful, it’s just the douchiest fucking song on the planet. The way Shawn Mullins breathes the verses into the mic you can almost feel him uncomfortably close behind you, whispering into your ear as hot gin vapors hit the back of your neck. He grabs your shoulders tight as he grunts out shit that must sound so poetic in his mind like “She’s seen her share of devils in this… ANGEL town” and “Everybody’s got a plan. It’s kind of like Nashville… with a tan.” As a joke I spent a week answering the phone by singing the chorous of this song. That was two years ago and nobody has called me since.


What’s your (least)favorite shitty ’90s music video? Leave a comment and let’s all share the shame that was Alternative music a decade ago!

Republican Presidential Debate Roundup!

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Well tonight Fox News will air the last debate before primary season and I really could not care less. Seriously. Newt Fucking Gingrich is the front runner right now? I almost feel sorry for conservatives. They have a seething hatred for the man in office right now but just can’t seem to come up with anybody good enough to beat him. It’s like the 2004 election in reverse.


Even though the Fox News article all but said that Gingrich and Romney are the only two who should even bother showing up to the debate, the whole rat pack is showing up. I’ve already taken my shots at Bachmann and Perry so let’s see what the other candidates have to offer.


Jon Huntsman
He was Obama’s ambassador to China, believes in evolution and global warming, kind of likes the gays (supports civil unions but not same sex marriage), treats immigrants like human beings and left office as Governor of Utah with an 80% approval rating. He’s Mormon but said in an interview with Newsweek that the LDS chruch does not have a monopoly on his spiritual life and that he and his wife draw from an array of sources for inspiration. Pretty open minded. All in all, a horrible Republican by today’s standards. He’ll be lucky to get more than three votes.


Rick Santorum
Santorum is defined as “The frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex” and that’s all it will ever mean.


Ron Paul
Ron Paul is the physical embodiment of libertarianism. One time he showed up to work naked because he trusted the free market to dress him. He’s so libertarian he actually opposed the civil rights act because of it’s interference with the free market. To be fair, the “separate water fountain” industry did take a big hit after it was passed.

Ron Paul has the most conservative voting record in history, never voting against any bill that could slightly be interpreted as possibly going against the Constitution. He describes himself as a strict constitutionalist and that may be because he was there when it was written holy shit is he old.

There are 39 stars on those flags behind him.

Seriously. look at him. He bought that suit a year ago and now it’s too big for him. He’s shrinking. If elected (which won’t happen), he’d enter office at 77 years old, making him the oldest man to hobble into office by 8 years.


Mitt Romney
Mitt Romney has a fucking price on his head placed by conservative think tanks because he closed corporate tax loopholes and introduced (sort of) universal health care as governor of Mass. He’s also been called a “flip flopper” (remember? From the John Kerry days?) which is funny because all of his flip flops have been to make conservatives happy. He was pro choice and anti gun and now he’s pro life and pro gun. Polls say that Romney is the republicans’ best bet to beat Obama but he probably won’t get the nomination because one time he let some poor people get cancer treatments.

Also he’s full on Mormon so if he gets elected we’ll all have to convert and do missionary trips to other countries and wear special underpants.


Man, looking at who the Republicans have to offer I kind of miss Sarah Palin and Donald Trump.

My Interview With Time’s Person of the Year

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The time has come for Time to name it’s Person of the Year for 2011 and this time Time has decided that the most influential person of the year is The Protester.



The Protester takes a brief respite from protesting to pose for the cover of Time




While The Protester has been incredibly busy all over the world protesting things like inequality, injustice and unfairness, The Protester took a moment from their schedule to sit down with me for a brief interview about their new found fame, the art of protesting and their love life.


BILL YOUNG
Thanks for coming. I know you must be busy protesting things.

THE PROTESTER
Thanks for having me! I have been protesting a lot lately. There’s just so much to protest in this world. Keeps a concept busy. Idle hands, you know?

BY
You have been all over the world this year. Egypt, Greece, Libya, every major U.S. city. Where is your favorite place to protest?

TP
Each country has it’s charms, you know? It’s hard to pick. Every place has so much beauty that sticks in my memory. Watching the sun set in Egypt through the smokey haze of a burning cop car. The way the celebratory gunfire would ring through the night in Libya. Greece simply has the best Gyros. I love that cucumber sauce. I’d have to say the U.S. is probably my favorite though because I tend to die the least while protesting here.

BY
Things can get violent for you. You’ve been pelted with thousands of rubber bullets, tear gassed and pepper sprayed countless times, arrested repeatedly and murdered hundreds of times this year alone at the hands of The Police. Do you hold any animosity towards The Police?

TP
Listen, I know that seeing us on the news together that it looks like we must hate each other but The Police is doing his job and I’m doing mine. We’re coworkers.

BY
You do seem to spend a lot of time together.

TP
We work together.

BY
So is there any truth to the rumor that Perez Hilton saw you and The Police at a LA hotspot “sharing drinks, laughs and a quick kiss”?

TP
Like I said, we’re coworkers. Nothing more. I don’t even have time for relationships these days.

BY
So what’s next for The Protester?

TP
Well, I’ll be heading to Russia pretty soon. I know, Russia in the winter, it’s crazy but they have this whole rigged election going on and you go where the job takes you.

BY
Is there any place you wouldn’t protest?

TP
China. Definitely. I’m so needed there but I know when I am not welcome. No thanks(laughs)!

BY
Have any opportunities popped up for you since you’ve been bestowed the “Person of the Year” title?

TP
I am actually in the middle of recording an album right now of all my favorite protest chants. It should drop in a couple of months and it’ll have my chants from all over the world like “OUST!” and “Enough is Enough! Gaddafi’s time is up!”. My favorite to record so far is “This is what brutality looks like!” Kanye West produced that track.



For my full interview with The Protester including recipes, fashion tips and their Oscar picks for 2011 sign up for youngnotions premium when I create it.

The God Particle

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I’m not a scientist. I know this may come to a surprise to a lot of you since I wear a lab coat everywhere and have a bunch of beakers filled with different colored bubbling liquids in my living room but it’s all just for show. I am actually not a scientist.


Most people aren’t scientists, when you think about it. Ask yourself, how many scientists do you know? Maybe one, right? Possibly two. It’s okay. Most of us just aren’t scientists. The problem with most of us not being scientists is that when we read a news article about the Higgs Boson the media makes it sound like they’re about to fucking force God out of his spider hole or some shit.


Photo of God courtesy of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.




Why do they keep calling it “The God Particle”? None of the researchers at CERN actually believe that God is made up of Higgs Bosons (I’m assuming. Please leave a comment if you’re a CERN employee and I’m way off base). Discovery of the particle won’t prove or disprove the existence of God. Once they find the Higgs Boson, God won’t pop out and say “Aaaahhh! You got me! I almost totally had you tricked on how I created the universe!”. The only purpose this title serves is to let people jump to conclusions on something they have little to no knowledge about. The more you let people believe the Higgs Boson is God poop or whatever, the wilder the fantasy of the reader. Speaking of which, here’s how the headline appeared on foxnews.com


and Fox News is usually so level headed.




That headline serves no other purpose than to lead you to believe a bunch of scientists are chasing God through the woods.


The worst part about this is that when this particle is finally discovered God will still be invisible and you, the non scientist, will no longer give a shit about this important discovery. You may possibly even lose faith and trust in science since it didn’t deliver on what the media promised you, God on a platter. If those stupid scientists couldn’t gift wrap God for you like they totally said they could why should you believe any of that other bullshit they say about stuff like global warming and evolution and dinosaurs?


Listen, fellow non scientists. All I ask of you is to have a little faith in science. Science works in mysterious ways and it may not seem like it right now, but science has a plan. Just believe. In the name of the proton, the neutron and the orbiting electron.

A Letter to seattlepi.com

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Dear seattlepi.com;


There seems to be an issue with your website that I wanted to bring to your attention. I encountered the problem reading the syndicated comic strip “Mark Trail” on your site (top of the list when I googled “Mark Trail”! Congrats!). You see, as an act of charity I transcribe Mark Trail comic strips into text-only stories for the blind, elderly and sensitive who enjoy the blandness of Mark Trail but are put off by the vibrant drawings of nature scenes. While browsing through the archive I encountered a problem with navigation. I tried to jump to a specific date but the comic was stuck on December 10th.


In case you haven’t seen it, the Mark Trail comic for December 10th depicted a muzzled bear being attacked by a pack of wolves while a woman watched helplessly in the first panel. She shouted out “he’s helpless with that muzzle and those footpads” to nobody in particular. Perhaps the wolves. The second panel was a close up of the woman’s face as she shouted “HELP!”. The third and final panel went back to the bear being attacked by wolves as the narrator reiterated that the bear was defensless by stating “the defenseless bear is no match for the attacking wolves.


The fact that the website was not allowing me to navigate away from the strip caused three issues I would like you to address and correct.


1. For myself and all of your readers, please fix the website so I can easily navigate around the archives of not only Mark Trail but Mary Worth, Judge Parker, Rex Morgan and any other comic strip where the creator died at least one decade ago.

2. If this cannot be done in an expedient manner, please relay to me the comic strips for Mark Trail for the previous two weeks and any following. You may email the strips to me or transcribe them in text-only fashion as I have done for you for the December 10th strip.

3. In trying to navigate away from the December 10th strip I was confronted, multiple times, of a vicious attack of a muzzled bear by a pack of wolves. Time and again when I thought I had navigated to a new page the gruesome, bloodless image of wolves circling a bear engraved themselves into my brain. The experience has traumatized me and while I have no intention of suing you I would like compensation in the form of a gift card for no more than $10. Please email me for my address.


Thanks!

That Girl in the “One Weird Trick to Stay Asleep All Night” Ad

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My friend Brody has said that I’m obsessed with search engine terms. It’s true. I’ve certainly written enough about the subject but one search term keeps popping up frequently on the site (actually, three do but let’s not talk about “foreskin man” or “kids fuck” today).


The girl in the “One Weird Trick to Stay Asleep All Night” ad.


There’s been over 30 searches from that (or a close variant) in the last three months. For those of you who don’t read the archives back-to-front on a weekly basis, the term leads to a post I did about stupid banner ads and this is one of the ads I so hilariously lampooned.

Haven't had a single zit since I started sleeping with an egg in my mouth.




Every week at least two search engine terms looking for the identity of this girl.


Who are you?




Frankly, I don’t see the appeal. She’s not unattractive but to have so many people try to figure out more about her? Am I missing something here? It’s probably because she looks like she smokes weed. She even looks high in the picture (maybe the one weird trick to stay asleep all night is to get high). Whatever her mystique, there’s a lot of search engine terms about her leading here which means one of three things.

1.) Multiple people are looking for her and there’s little/no info about her on the internet (most likely).

2.) One person searches for her every day, hoping to find more about his mysterious dreadlock and shitty dye-job love but keeps clicking on this blog for some reason.

3.) Somebody was looking for more info on her, stumbled on this blog and thought it was funny but not funny enough to bookmark or remember the URL. Now every time he want’s to read my blog he searches for that term again. I’m the “one weird trick” guy.


Whatever the reason, the hits just keep on a coming and will probably only increase in volume since I’m dedicating an entire post to the mystery girl so as a favor to all you lovelorn folks out there wanting to know more I’ve decided to create a backstory for her.


Her name is Heather. She likes all kinds of music except country (old country is okay, though) and followed Phish around for a while. She’s all about Kevin Smith movies and totally loves to play Halo. She dropped out of college but was a philosophy major so she’s totally into having long conversations about Kant or whatever. She belongs to a kickball league. She was in a band for a while but now she just likes to jam on the acoustic guitar. Her hair is red in the picture but she dyes it different colors all the time.



Basically she’s every barista ever.



UPDATE! Ian Rans pointed out that Heather is a stock photo known as “Colorul woman”! You can purchase her stock photo here (she looks so much more high in the bigger, higher resolution pic) and here. Mystery solved!