Monthly Archives: June 2012

Let’s Piss Even More People Off.

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I know that yesterday’s post was a bit polarizing. While I didn’t get any negative feedback I know that there are readers and friends that have opposing political views that might have been pissed off by what I wrote and that’s okay. I’m just one guy and when it comes down to it my blog doesn’t really affect any change. World keeps spinning.



So as long as I’m saying things people may not like I’m going to throw this out there. I think you should be able to wear socks with sandals.



The horror!





I’ve held this opinion for a long time. I’ve only shared it with a few people because for some reason the image of a foot wearing both a sock and sandal brings out the deepest hatred in most people.



Kill it! Kill it with fire!




I don’t wear socks with sandals. I’d like to but I’m afraid I’ll get lynched by an angry mob. It’s just not worth the risk for me.



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B7En0z2A38c&w=560&h=315]



I know people have their reasons. On the rare occasion where I feel safe enough to tell somebody that I think it’s okay to wear socks with sandals I’m met with utter contempt. The weirdest thing is that the biggest offense people point out to me is not that it looks stupid (and I’ll admit it kind of looks stupid) but that it defeats the purpose. “If it’s too hot for shoes then it’s too hot for socks as well”. That’s like saying if it’s too hot for jackets then it’s also too hot for shirts.



Hate me all you want, America. I’m only speaking from the heart and standing up for what I believe in.



Here’s something the mainstream media won’t tell you about socks with sandals. It’s comfortable.



Think about it. Just put away your prejudice away for a second and hear me out. Have you ever worn sandals all day? Maybe you go to a street festival or outdoor concert? It’s hot as hell (which is why you’re wearing sandals), your feet sweat and rub against the straps and now you’ve got a scrape on the top of your foot. It sucks and now you can’t wear sandals again until it’s healed because it’ll just make it worse otherwise. That wouldn’t have happened if you were wearing socks.



Why do you think old people and Europeans wear socks with sandals? Because they fucking know it’s comfortable and doesn’t care what society has to say. Nobody under the age of 60 in America will go out in public with socks and sandals because they fear the ridicule. It’s bullying. You should all be ashamed of yourselves.



Come on! Who’s with me?



…anybody?



Shit. Fine. I don’t need your support. History will absolve me.



VIVA!

OBAMACARE!

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THE SUPREME COURT UPHELD OBAMACARE 5-4, MUTHAFUCKAS!



This post isn’t going to debate whether they were right or wrong. This isn’t about trying to explain to the detractors that while Obamacare certainly has it’s flaws, it’s good for the country. This is simply gloating.



BOOM, BITCHES.





This post is all about poor sportsmanship. This is about doing the entire Thriller dance at the goal line, beginning to end, after scoring a glorious fucking touchdown. Congress passed it, the President signed it and the Supreme Fucking Court upheld it! We won! You lost! Booyah!



I don’t care if you think you think Obamacare is going to make us a communist country and it’s going to make the government round up all the senior citizens and shoot them and turn them into soylent green. I don’t care if you think people are going to jail and you’re going to have to wait five years to get a broken arm fixed. I don’t care if you think this is the end of democracy.



I think you’re wrong, but I don’t care. I don’t have to argue with you anymore. Obamacare was upheld by the supreme court and there’s nothing you can do about it! Ha!



I could try to convince you that it was the right decision. I’ve argued in favor of Obamacare many a time but now I don’t have to! It doesn’t matter if you like it, you just have to fucking deal with it.



Go ahead. Tell me I’m wrong. I invite anybody who disagrees with me to leave as lengthy a comment as they like detailing their views. You can back it up with links and statistics and personal stories all you like. I will simply respond with “nyah fucking nyah”.



This is America. If you don’t like it here, you can always move to Canada.

Kraft Foods Supports Homoreosexuality

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So Monday the Oreo facebook page posted this picture –



Have you ever taken a butterknife and shaved the creme off of five Oreos to make a “sextuple-stuff?” …me neither.





Two days later, it’s got 221,000 likes, 67,000 shares, 36,000 comments and a whole slew of news stories about all the buzz it’s generated. Some of the stories focus on how people are talking about a boycott in the facebook comments but nothing as of yet has been organized (I checked One Million Moms, the AFA website, basically all the “stick up their ass about gays” organizations).


First off, talk about a boycott all you want but it ain’t gonna work. Product boycotts against gay rights have been nothing but flops recently. Whether it’s girl scout cookies (cookies love the gays!) or the whole JC Penny Ellen DeGeneres thing, it seems like Anti-gay boycotts are just not effective for these bigots.



Good. I’m glad a boycott will most likely affect nothing and I’m glad Oreo did this. Oreo didn’t have to post anything about pride. They’re a cookie. I don’t expect cookies to take any sort of stance on civil rights (except the famously racist Mrs. Fields). They had no dog in this fight.



Seriously. They had no reason to do this other than to show their support for gay rights. Sure, Target made a bunch of Pride shirts and donated them but really they were covering their own asses after throwing money to anti-gay politicians and getting called out for it.



So thank you, Oreo. You’re not only the best packaged cookie out there and the only tasty thing a vegan can eat but now your fake cookie has become a sugary beacon for the gay rights movement. I think you should go one step farther, Oreo. Make the cookie.



Seriously. I would buy that cookie and not just because it has six layers of creme. I would buy that cookie to tell the world “I support marriage equality and also I’m pretty fat!”.



Granted, I’m no cookie architect. I don’t know if such a cookie is even possible. According to your wikipedia page you once made a Triple Stuff Oreo and released it in certain cities but discontinued it after a month. Was it too unstable? Did people go mad when confronted with that high a creme/cookie ratio? Is the middle cookie in the Triple Double Oreo there simply to maintain structural integrity?



I don’t know if you will do it or even if you can but until that day I’ll just dream of a country where everybody is treated equally regardless of sexuality and Oreos can have six layers of rainbow creme.

Bachmann: Pop-Culture Punching Bag?

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Maybe if punching bags were filled with bat shit insane zealot bitches instead of sand or whatever.



The Star Tribune posted an article today about how poor ol’ Michele Bachmann can’t catch a break. Even though she has shied away from the media since she got her ass handed to her in the primaries and ended up $80,000 in debt for her trouble, celebrities still take jabs at her. Her special brand of crazy is inspiring a plot line in True Blood, Jane Fonda calls her “nothing but a hairdo” in Aaron Sorkin’s new show and Catherine Zeta-Jones cited Bachmann as inspiration for her character in Rock of Ages.



Now I’ve taken my fair share of jabs at Bachmann. So many that I can spell her name correctly without looking it up (one “l”, two “n”s) but I haven’t written about her at all recently because she hasn’t done anything new and exciting since horribly failing at running for president. The article is asking why Hollywood is still taking shots at her even though she hasn’t done anything newsworthy lately and republican strategist Sarah Janecek states “”She created a vivid picture in those presidential debates as the only woman doing just fine against the men. With her perfect looks plus her ideology, in the age of celebrity, she became one.”



According to republican strategists, doing just fine = 6th place in the Iowa caucuses and perfect looks = this –

I love how she wears so much makeup there’s practically lens flare coming off her cheeks and how her hollow eyes communicate nothing but insanity. SO HOT. Easy to see how she turned Marcus straight.





I’ll admit that the slams about her looks are low blows. While it’s baffling that Janecek would say in defense that Bachmann has “perfect looks”, it’s unfair to make sniping comments about her looks. It’s a double standard that women in politics have to deal with that sort of thing and Michele Bachmann shouldn’t have to defend how she looks. She’s a politician, not a model.



She especially shouldn’t have to defend her looks since she should spend all her energy supporting her horrible views on praying the gay away, freedom of light bulbs and the idea that God told her she was going to become president.



Frankly, we shouldn’t be talking about her at all. I know it’s hard. She’s such an easy target but if we ignore her she might just go away. She’s busy campaigning for re-election this year (check out the pics on her facebook page and play the “find anybody who isn’t white” game) and she’ll probably get re elected because her district is full of idiots but if we leave her alone she might just stay off of Fox News.



Fingers crossed.

Supreme Court Strikes Down (most of) Arizona Immigration Law

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In a 5-3 decision, the US Supreme Court struck down most provisions of Arizona’s SB1070 “Fuck the Mexicans” law. While they upheld one of the most controversial provisions which lets police check a person’s immigration status while enforcing other laws if “reasonable suspicion” exists that the person is in the United States illegally, many of the provisions of the bill were gutted. Here’s just a few of the measures that were taken out in the ruling.


Sec. 4-A: If suspect is of Latino descent, officers may state “You ain’t from around here, are ya?” in leiu of Miranda reading.


Sec. 7-C: Police may pull any driver over who has a novelty “La Cucaracha” car horn.


Sec. 2-D: Citizens may shoot any Illegal Alien working at a job the citizen would like.


Sec. 5 K-L: $200,000 in taxpayer funds to be allocated for the construction of a giant catapult pointing towards the Mexican border. The catapult will be constructed by illegal aliens who, upon completion, will be loaded into the catapult and fired towards Mexico.


Sec. 1-E: Any employer who has illegal aliens in his/her employ does not have to pay them.


Sec. 1-A: The pejoratives “spic”, “wetback”, “cholo” and “beaner” are no longer recognized as hate speech.


Sec. 3-F: Any “anchor babies” (children of illegal aliens born in the U.S.) who’s parents have been deported will be taken to special education camps, brainwashed and trained to be emotionless, illegal alien killing machines.


For more information on Arizona’s SB1070 law, ask a stupid person wearing an American Flag T-Shirt.

8 Crazy Nights is the Worst Movie Ever.

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After recalling the worst vampire movies I’ve ever seen the other day it got me thinking about the worst movie ever.



Not the worst movie of a certain genre, not the worst movie I’ve ever seen. The worst movie, objectively ever. That movie is Adam Sandler’s “8 Crazy Nights”



Worst pile of shit film ever.





While I’m not a super fan of Adam Sandler I certainly don’t have a mad-on for him. I’ve seen plenty of his films. I’ve liked some and thought others were stupid. This one, however, is the worst movie of all time.



I tried remembering some of the movie but I haven’t seen it in nearly a decade and when I was younger I rarely saw a movie without being completely fucked up so 2002-2005 there are a lot of movies that I have a bit of a hard time remembering. I could watch the whole Lord of the Rings trilogy and it would be a completely new experience for me.



Luckily, 8 Crazy Nights is on Netflix so I’m going to watch it this morning while blogging about it to see if it’s actually as bad as I remember.



1 Minute in: The first sentence of dialogue is a racist Chinese caricature. The second is a 15 second long burp.

3 Minutes: Cartoon Sandler is fucking his car in front of a couple of cops dirty talking it in his “abbie doobie” dumb guy voice

4 minutes: Holy shit as if singing a song about how he drinks because he hates the holidays that start with the opening line “I’m the kind of guy who can’t stand a holiday so I drink ’em away” isn’t bad enough. He farts a visible green cloud of fart gas at a bunch of carolers.

5 minutes: “What if the audience doesn’t pick up on the subtle fact that Sandler’s horrible behavior comes from a place of self loathing?” “We’ll make the chorus of the song ‘I hate love, I hate you, I hate me’. Hopefully the moviegoers will get it.”



I gotta slow down. I vaguely remember there being a bunch of deer laughing so hard they violently shit everywhere and if I keep up at this pace this post will be 2000 words and it’ll take me three hours to watch this pile of garbage.



6 minutes: And here comes the old guy Sandler voice!

7 minutes: Wait a second, a drunk sentenced by a judge to coach youth sports? This is just the plot of The Mighty Ducks!

8 minutes: The narrator laughs at his own joke “Whitey’s so behind the times he thinks Viagra is a large waterfall”. The laugh is forced. So very forced.

10 minutes: Fat kid falls down. Old guy has an epileptic fit. Laughs abound.

11 minutes: Old guy walks through a mall and lists off every store by name, talking about how each one is amazing.

16 minutes: A bunch of men in tuxedos pee their pants for no reason in a musical number.

18 minutes: Oh he’s a dick because his parents died. Some people become Batman when their parents die. Now I’m just mad that this movie isn’t Batman. It could have been Batman.

21 minutes: Old guy gonna clean out some port a potties. This won’t end well.

22 minutes: It doesn’t! Old guy has poop all over him!

23 minutes: Sandler sprays the old guy down with a hose and now he’s frozen in a block of shit ice. Some deer come to help him out and are licking the shit ice to melt it. During the rescue, one of the deer looks at the camera and flashes a big, toothy, shit covered grin. What the fuck didn’t make it into this script?

24 minutes: “If we lose, I’ll eat my own jock strap!” Oh man don’t you know what movie you’re in? You’re totally gonna eat a jock strap.

29 minutes: He’s eating a jockstrap! Well that happened four minutes later than I thought.

31 minutes: During one of the songs that only seem to serve as exposition for people who don’t watch any of the non musical parts of the movie, cut to a bunch of smiling deer, all poop filled mouths.

39 minutes: Man they really think seizures are funny.

43 minutes: No gags for 3 minutes so they have the old guy do the robot for no reason.

45 minutes: Oh no right before the third act when Sandler was making progress he became a jackass again for no reason!

48 minutes: It’s here! I remember this scene! Drunken Sandler breaks into an empty mall and all the store brand logos sing a song to help him! Foot Locker, Panda Express and GNC saves the day!

55 minutes: Okay, the mayor tells a really lame joke at a banquet and everybody goes fucking insane with laughter. Some Russian guy does that Russian dance, a table of kids shoot bright green snot out of their noses, the Chinese stereotype rips his shirt off and bangs his head against the table and yes, the group of deer outside are rolling around laughing and shitting everywhere. Deer + feces = comedy gold.

57 minutes: Sandler gives himself a wedgie in penance.

61 minutes: This is like the third joke about a woman with three boobs. The joke is that she has three boobs. It’s funny.

65 minutes: They simply won’t mention Hanukkah without also mentioning Christmas. It’s like they didn’t even have the balls to just make this a Hanukkah movie.

68 minutes: The guy everybody hates convinces everybody to respect the guy nobody respects with an awful song.

70 minutes: Right before the end they cut to the three tit girl nursing three babies. Old guy has a seziure and the movie is over. Roll credits while a live version of the Hanukkah Song Part 3 plays. I pull the gun out of my mouth, hand trembling, tears streaming down my face.

On the Whole Bullied Busdriver Thing.

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Holy shit.



By now you’ve probably heard about that New York middle school bus monitor youtube video thing. Somebody posted a video of some kids brutally harassing this bus monitor for like ten minutes straight –



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l93wAqnPQwk&w=420&h=315]



and the internet goes collectively apeshit. Front page of reddit, huffington post story, the victim gets interviewed on Fox and Friends and 4chan starts posting contact info about the kids who did this.



It’s no surprise that this took off the way it did. I watched the whole video and those kids were saying some horrible, messed up things to that woman and enjoying the fact that she was crying throughout the whole thing. It’s really fucked up.



The worst part of all that is people who take low level admin jobs at schools aren’t doing it for the money. She’s making like $15k a year doing that. People take those jobs because they like working with kids. Can you imagine taking a job like that to help kids out and that’s how you’re treated? Ugh.



Luckily, this story has a happy ending for bus monitor Karen Huff Klein. She’s received an outpouring of love and support from people all over the world. Emails, facebook pages, youtube reaction videos (I never understood the youtube reaction videos thing. People make youtube videos of themselves talking about youtube videos they saw?) from thousands and thousands of people. Somebody even set up a page where people can donate to send Karen on a much needed dream vacation. They set the goal at $5,000 and the donations are currently at… let’s see…



HOLY COCKING FUCK BALLS $206,000



The amount goes up every goddamn time I refresh the page. It’s been less than a minute and they’re almost at $207,000. Where are they sending this woman on vacation? The fucking moon?



Don’t get me wrong. The woman went through hell in that video and she totally deserves a vacation but for $207,000 I’d gladly let a pack of middle school kids call me a troll and fatass for ten minutes. Hell, for 207 grand I’d let them do the things they threatened to do if they found her address in the video. I’m not kidding.



It’s almost at $210,000 now. At the rate this is climbing she’ll be at $300,000 by the end of the day. For $300,000 I would let those kids ride in the back of my car every time I had to drive anywhere for a year. They can call me whatever the want and one of them gets to kick me in the dick when I get out of the car. Only 1 dick kick per day, though. I have my dignity.



I’m sure she’ll probably end up donating most of that to charity or something but whatever. Good for her!



I only have this pic here so an image will show up when I share the blog on facebook. Marketing!

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.

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A few months ago I did a post about how paranormal presidential fiction was becoming a new genre in film with the summer release of FDR: American Badass! and Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (still no word from Hollywood on my script for “Andrew Jackson: Mummy Exterminator”).



I actually got to see a free screening of Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter last night and I have to say it was pretty badass.



“How do we make Lincoln even more badass?” “Let’s have him cut off a bunch of vampires’ heads with an ax!”





The film, based on the novel by Seth Grahame-Smith, author of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (also being turned into a film) was actually done well. When dealing with such silly material it’s so easy to go campy and over the top –



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-R898wegx6Y&w=560&h=315]
(don’t get me wrong I’m still totally going to go see this)



But everybody treated the material with a straight face, like it’s just a dramatic action movie that happens to be about Abraham Lincoln killing vampires. The acting was spot on, the action scenes were awesome (with the exception of a little superfluous 3D blood splatter) and the cinematography was stunning. That serious treatment of such a goofy subject made it all the more entertaining and hilarious.



In fact, this is probably the best vampire movie I’ve ever seen. That’s not really saying much, though. Ever since Anne Rice came around it seems like every vampire in fiction has been some foppish Eurotrash that’s made blood drinking a kinky sex thing.



I’ve really wanted to love vampire movies but vampire movies make it so hard for me to love them. Sure, the Blade movies are alright but they’re just mindless action and even in those ones you still get some bullshit “immortal children of the night” blathering from the vampires. Here’s the 3 worst vampire movies I’ve seen in the last decade or so.



Underworld (any of them):

Kate Beckinsale jumps around in tight leather.





Why I saw this: I was young, there were a lot of gunfights and Kate Beckinsale jumped around in tight leather.

Plot: Modern Vampires are like fey Victorian aristocracy and lounge around mansions looking bored and drinking blood. Werewolves are like Dickensian paupers, scurry around sewers and are slaves to vampires even though they have equal superpowers and fewer weaknesses. Of course this means a Vampire and Werewolf bang and piss everybody off so they throw on leather trenchcoats and shoot each other.



30 Days of Night

Felt like 100 years of suck.





Why I saw this: I read the comic this was adapted from and it was awesome. The idea was clever (Vampires ransack an Alaskan town that’s so far north there’s no sun for 30 days) and the art by Ben Templesmith was wonderful.

Plot: Vampires come up to an Alaskan town that doesn’t see sun for 30 days, slowly drag their gross, long fingernails across everything and whine about how hungry they are.



Twilight

Yes I saw Twilight





Why I saw this: It was free On Demand, I had the day off and I wanted to see if it was really as bad as everybody said it was. The horrible acting, the sparkling, the weird “pussy vegetarian vampire” thing. It was all true. I’ll never get that hour and a half back. Never.

Plot: Something about high school and this girl and they play baseball or some bullshit. There’s one shot where all the vampires go nuts and rip another vampire’s head off and that was the only moment in the movie where I didn’t want to rip my own head off. Just don’t… I don’t want to talk about it anymore.



For more information about how Twilight sucks, go to George Takei’s facebook page.

With a Chain on My Legs an Adidas at My Feet.

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Just in time for Juneteenth: The Adidas slave shoe!

the chains are there… in case your shoes fall off?





That right there is the Adidas Roundhouse Trainer shoe. It was set to be released this summer but Adidas announced they were cancelling the project because… Well because the cuff and chain look like slave shackles. Adidas shoes are popular with African Americans but references to slavery are not so popular. Kind of a pet peeve for African Americans, really. The whole slavery thing.



Jeremy Scott, the designer of the shoe, maintains that he was not trying for the whole “slave” look when making the shoe. His inspirations have always came from toys in his childhood. When I read that I wondered what kind of weird shit this guy was into as a kid when shackles were involved but then I read that the particular inspiration for this shoe was the plush toy “My Pet Monster”.



My pet forced laborer.





So okay. Maybe he wasn’t going for a whole slave motif but that imagery stirs strong feelings in people about a horrible chapter of our history. On top of that it looks really stupid.



I mean, if you’re wearing those with long pants are you supposed to put the cuffs under the pants? Then nobody sees them. Do you put them over the pants or maybe roll up your pant legs like there was a flood coming? That would just look weird.



Also, fastening the cuffs is just another step in putting on shoes and I’m lazy. When I found out that I needed loafers for a job several years back I didn’t buy tennis shoes for three years just because I didn’t want to tie laces. Now I’ve got to tie my shoes and fasten the cuffs? I don’t even tie my shoes sometimes. The cuffs would probably just drag behind my heels and some jerk would step on them and make me trip.



Adidas also announced they’d be cancelling plans for their new “Three Fifths” sandal.

Rainbow Foods Monopoly or: Holy Shit What a Boring Monotonous Torture Contest.

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I shop at Rainbow Foods because it’s close by and the only other grocery stores around are either super expensive Lunds and Kowalski’s or hippy natural organic Co-Ops. Every few months Rainbow has some promotions contest where you get little scratch off tickets to win free groceries or whatever and this time around they’re doing a Monopoly game. Awesome! I enjoy games and winning stuff and I shop at Rainbow anyway.



There’s just one problem. It’s not Monopoly. It’s not a game. It’s hell.



First off. The board isn’t a Monopoly board. It’s not a square, no passing go, collecting yada yada. I know they’re not going to be an exact replica of the Monopoly board but even the McDonalds game makes the pieces look like the property squares. On the Rainbow game you get a ticket –



you get one for shopping there an extras if you buy specially marked items.





Tear off perforations on both sides and open it up and you get four slips –



Right side: Four “game pieces” that have some grocery item on them. Left side: Shitty $0.25 coupon for some thing you’ll never buy like single serving frozen french fries.





Each game piece has a letter (A-Z) and a number. You find where each of your tickets goes on the 107 possible spots on the board, lick the back of the piece and place it there.



The back side of the board is covered in places to put game pieces, too. You have to look all over both sides and usually you just find that you’ve already filled the spot that piece goes to.





The only thing that even relates this game to Monopoly is that the Monopoly guy is on the board, you’ll spend hours “playing” it and you’ll end the game frustrated and angry. Honestly, though they could have as easily just called it Jenga or Twister.


There’s plenty of great prizes to win, though. A $250,000 “dream home”. 25 grand in cash, 5 grand in groceries. There’s also plenty of shitty prizes available, too, like $5.



They had the Monopoly game last summer, too and I played. I got the board, a bunch of tickets and put them all in. I usually just waited until I had like 50 of them because I was lazy and spent the better part of an hour finding the right place for the 200 game pieces. I won two dollars. When I brought it in to get my sweet reward the cashier said that I was like the third person to ever come in with a winning board and the other two people were two dollar winners as well.



What’s even worse is that I’m playing again. Of course I am. I’ve got a pile of tickets just waiting to be licked –



Looks like I know what I’m doing all afternoon.





That’s not even all of them. I usually shove them in my pockets when I leave the store an forget about them. Find them 2 hours later at home and just put them on the nearest flat surface. On the bright side looking for them will give me an excuse to clean the place.



So that’s what I’ll be doing. Licking dozens of ticket backs and placing them on a game board like a goddamn factory worker thinking of ways this game could be even less fun. Here’s what I’ve come up with so far –



*Put something on the back of the tickets to make it taste bad like fish oil.

*Instead of pictures of grocery products on the tickets have pictures from concentration camp prisoners.

*All the coupons that come with the game pieces are for sardines.



Off to work! I’ll let you know if I win anything (of course I’m not going to win anything).