Tag Archives: rainbow foods

Uptown Rainbow Fight Club?

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So I needed to get something from the grocery store on Christmas day. Now, I know most everything is closed on Christmas and grocery stores are no exception but I thought perhaps one of the literally five grocery stores in a 10 block radius of my home would be open.



That’s right. Five. I’m within walking distance of the Wedge Co-Op, Kowalksi’s, Lunds, Rainbow and Supervalu. You can even add Byerly’s and Cub to the list if you cast the net out an extra mile and a half. Uptown’s got grocery stores and they were all closed on Christmas.



While searching online for holiday hours for some of the stores I googled “Uptown Rainbow Holiday Hours” and one of the first things that came up was the Yelp! review page for the store.



The Uptown Rainbow is usually my go-to store. It’s a lot cheaper than the co-op, Lunds and Kowalski’s but it’s not as trashy as the Supervalu (seriously Supervalu is one of those grocery stores where you have to walk through the stockroom to get to the bathroom. Always a bad sign). Sure, the Rainbow’s a little dirty and doesn’t always have everything I want stocked all the time but it’s alright. I glanced at the Yelp! reviews to see what other people thought of the place and holy shit –



Let me make this easy for you. You’re thinking about coming here because it’s close to your apartment, and you just need the two things. If I may make a suggestion: consider starving to death instead.

Seriously, this is the nastiest, most overpriced grocery in the Twin Cities. I’ve been here for ten minutes and I’ve seen: 1) produce dropped on the (really dirty) floor and put back on the shelf. 2) a cashier throw a watermelon which a customer had just bought. 3) a bro massage his dick as he walked up and down aisles. This wasn’t a minor adjustment we’re talking about. He was taking it slow and easy. Moving with precision. A true artisan.

Which brings me to the other point: this place is an asshole vortex. People push, they curse at you, they shout into their Bluetooth headgear. I’m okay with the prices being so inflated, because this is probably an asshole tax enforced by the city, and I support our teachers and firefighters.

Two stars, because there’s a sign that says “grocery” outside, and they will attempt to sell you food if you go in. Still though… starvation. Think about it.



Okay, I wasn’t massaging my dick. I was scratching my balls. Jeez.



I don’t know if people actually feel this strongly about a grocery store or if people are using over the top reviews hoping they’ll go viral but some shit on this page is just nasty –



This place thrives on the fact that it’s the only grocery store within five miles that isn’t a swanky-swank Lunds/Kowalskis. And by thrives, I mean like a virus.

It is a nasty place. “Crowded” does not begin to explain it. From the moment you pull into the parking lot- which is a total sh*$ show in itself- you are thrust into a sea of people shoving around shopping carts that are very broken and are too big for the layout of this hellhole.

Add some screaming feral children, completely tuned-out employees (to be fair, there are maybe five of them), general dirtiness, long lines, and sketchy produce, and the so-called deals are just… not… quite… worth it.



The parking lot fights thing is actually a recurring theme in a lot of reviews –



The Rainbow Foods in Uptown is some of most fabulous entertainment this fine city has to offer. Some of what I’ve witnessed on my shopping trips (at all hours of the day) are:

* Someone running laps around the store perimeter in flip-flops
* A man getting frustrated and smashing his cart into things
* Managers lecturing the restocking folk… from two aisles down
* Parking lot fights — yes, plural

Shopping in suburban grocery stores? Pfft. You’ll fall asleep in the aisles from boredom.

Honestly though, for as much as Rainbow can be a circus sideshow, they’re always well-stocked and organized. I don’t know how they pull it off, what with the flip-flop marathons and all. And there are a few checkout clerks with wicked senses of humor, too. It’s all part of the magical experience that is the Uptown Rainbow.



Okay, I’ve been shopping at this place pretty regularly for a few years now and I haven’t seen a single parking lot fight. Is this a problem that Rainbow fixed after the Yelp! blitz or am I just missing them?



This place is cool on mushrooms or if you want to look at girls youd sleep with but never date. And the pharmacy dude wears a sick eyepatch but its probably because he has some brutal tattoo.



Okay I’ve seen that pharmacy guy before and after reading these reviews I think I know how he ended up with the eyepatch. Uptown Rainbow Fight Club.



rainbow uptown

Rainbow Foods Monopoly or: Holy Shit What a Boring Monotonous Torture Contest.

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I shop at Rainbow Foods because it’s close by and the only other grocery stores around are either super expensive Lunds and Kowalski’s or hippy natural organic Co-Ops. Every few months Rainbow has some promotions contest where you get little scratch off tickets to win free groceries or whatever and this time around they’re doing a Monopoly game. Awesome! I enjoy games and winning stuff and I shop at Rainbow anyway.



There’s just one problem. It’s not Monopoly. It’s not a game. It’s hell.



First off. The board isn’t a Monopoly board. It’s not a square, no passing go, collecting yada yada. I know they’re not going to be an exact replica of the Monopoly board but even the McDonalds game makes the pieces look like the property squares. On the Rainbow game you get a ticket –



you get one for shopping there an extras if you buy specially marked items.





Tear off perforations on both sides and open it up and you get four slips –



Right side: Four “game pieces” that have some grocery item on them. Left side: Shitty $0.25 coupon for some thing you’ll never buy like single serving frozen french fries.





Each game piece has a letter (A-Z) and a number. You find where each of your tickets goes on the 107 possible spots on the board, lick the back of the piece and place it there.



The back side of the board is covered in places to put game pieces, too. You have to look all over both sides and usually you just find that you’ve already filled the spot that piece goes to.





The only thing that even relates this game to Monopoly is that the Monopoly guy is on the board, you’ll spend hours “playing” it and you’ll end the game frustrated and angry. Honestly, though they could have as easily just called it Jenga or Twister.


There’s plenty of great prizes to win, though. A $250,000 “dream home”. 25 grand in cash, 5 grand in groceries. There’s also plenty of shitty prizes available, too, like $5.



They had the Monopoly game last summer, too and I played. I got the board, a bunch of tickets and put them all in. I usually just waited until I had like 50 of them because I was lazy and spent the better part of an hour finding the right place for the 200 game pieces. I won two dollars. When I brought it in to get my sweet reward the cashier said that I was like the third person to ever come in with a winning board and the other two people were two dollar winners as well.



What’s even worse is that I’m playing again. Of course I am. I’ve got a pile of tickets just waiting to be licked –



Looks like I know what I’m doing all afternoon.





That’s not even all of them. I usually shove them in my pockets when I leave the store an forget about them. Find them 2 hours later at home and just put them on the nearest flat surface. On the bright side looking for them will give me an excuse to clean the place.



So that’s what I’ll be doing. Licking dozens of ticket backs and placing them on a game board like a goddamn factory worker thinking of ways this game could be even less fun. Here’s what I’ve come up with so far –



*Put something on the back of the tickets to make it taste bad like fish oil.

*Instead of pictures of grocery products on the tickets have pictures from concentration camp prisoners.

*All the coupons that come with the game pieces are for sardines.



Off to work! I’ll let you know if I win anything (of course I’m not going to win anything).