Monthly Archives: February 2012

President Ghosthunter

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A while back I saw this get posted on facebook. It’s a trailer for the upcoming movie FDR American Badass!



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-R898wegx6Y&w=560&h=315]



Okay. That looks kind of fun. Some low budget modern B movie fare that’ll do the independent theater rounds this summer. Count me in.



Then I saw this on IMDB



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=34x6m-ahGIo&w=560&h=315]



Wait… what? Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter? This one actually looks like a big production. Big budget, produced by Tim Burton. Is presidential historical paranormal fantasy a film genre now? I better hop on this and write some scripts (most of you know I bang out screenplays in my spare time for beer money).


TEDDY ROOSEVELT AND THE SASQUACH
A young Roosevelt is vacationing in the newly opened Yellowstone National Park with his father when his father is killed by “wild animals”. President Ulysses S. Grant, who commissioned the park, reveals to Teddy that his father was actually killed by the mythical beast Bigfoot who has been terrorizing Yellowstone. President Grant trains Teddy to lead an elite team of Bigfoot hunters to kill the beast once and for all. Like “Predator” but everybody has big mustaches.


JFK AND THE MOON MEN
President Kennedy, in a secret meeting with civil rights activist and psychic Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., learns of a prophetic dream Dr. King had about the threat of Soviet Moon Men. President Kennedy assembles a crack espionage team including demolitions expert Dick Nixon and femme fatale Marilyn Monroe to fly an experimental rocket to the moon and face them head on.


ANDREW JACKSON: MUMMY EXTERMINATOR
Andrew Jackson kills all the Indians but it’s okay because they’re actually mummies.


Now if you’ll excuse me I have to take a bunch of calls from big time Hollywood producers.

To Jena, My Wife, Whom I Slept With.

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My love for you knows no artistic ability. Seriously. If you knew how long it took me to make this crappy Valentine you'd be really embarrassed but kind of touched that I put so much effort into expressing my love for you even though the end product looks like something a third grader did if he wasn't really trying. I love you <#




Jena. There are so many reasons I made you this homemade Valentine.


* I wanted to express my love for you without buying into the whole consumer trap of Valentine’s Day.

* I’m broke.

* Hoping to get some action.

* In approx. AD 270, a Roman priest named Valentinus was jailed for marrying Christian couples. Back then, it was a crime to help Christians be Christian. Claudius Gothicus took a liking to him and was going to spare him but sentenced Valentinus to death after Valentinus tried to convert Claudius. I’d like to think that my love for you is like Valentinus’ love for Christianity. Devotion to the point of stupidity.

Thank God I’ll never have to prove it to that extreme but if loving you was a crime, I hope that I’d be put to death talking the jailer’s ear off about how awesome you are and how happy you make me.

Here’s My Excuses.

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Every now and then there’s some news story about a person with a disability overcoming that disability to do something awesome. Think about it and you can probably recall seeing some human interest story about an autistic artist or armless mountain climber or woman driver. They can be very inspirational or if you’re like me, they just show that not only is there always somebody better than me at something, but he probably has Downs Syndrome.


I’m of course reading into it way too much. These people aren’t out there breaking world records with broken spines just to spite people who have it easy. OR ARE THEY?


Yes, I know people are saying it's a photoshop but let's put that aside for now because it doesn't help the joke at all.





Well that’s unnecessarily aggressive.


This photo showed up on my facebook feed shared by a friend and originally posted by the Primal Muscle facebook page (frankly I prefer my muscle a little more civilized). Fine. You want my excuses? Here they are.


* Maybe I’d find the time to work out if I didn’t have to park in the back of the parking lot everywhere I went.

* You know how they say when you go blind your other senses are heightened? Maybe that’s how it works with the body, too.

* I’d probably be all cut too if I was hopping around everywhere on one leg and picking myself up after falling down all the time.

* It would actually be harder for me to look like that because I’d have a whole other leg to work out.

* The order could be flipped here. Super muscle guy loses his leg and then lets himself go. Not very inspirational but I totally wouldn’t blame him.

* It doesn’t say how he lost that leg. Have you seen exercise equipment? It’s not a stretch to think that he got a gym membership, didn’t read the instructions on the weight machine thingy and it took his leg off. Sure, that story makes him even more determined if he came back to the gym after that horrific accident but he could have avoided it all in the first place had he just stayed home.

*I’m lazy.


Damn, coming up with all these excuses has really worn me out. I’m gonna go take a nap.

White People!

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Duluth, MN is a predominantly white city. Settled originally by Vikings when their ship crashed into the harbor after being tricked by freshwater mermaids, the city has not seen much racial diversity until a couple of black families moved there a while back.



While racial diversity is in low supply in Duluth, racial disparity is bursting at the seams. With 67% of the black and 56% of the Native American population living in poverty (compared to 18% of white people). With this in mind, the Unfair Campaign was created in hopes to spark conversations about racism, specifically, “white privilege”. The campaign put up these posters around the city –


Black people are lucky people don't write shit on their faces all the time.




Usually after I pass out at a party people just draw dicks on my face, not a bunch of stuff about white privilege.




Something something clever 3rd caption joke




As well as billboards that say “It’s HARD to see RACISM when you’re white”.


The campaign has certainly sparked conversation. According to the Star Tribune, white people are totally offended.


From the article – “Hundreds of the city’s white residents have complained that the campaign’s kick-off images and messages are offensive. The campaign, they say, blames all racism on whites”. Granted, not all racism comes from whites, just the kind that has any effect on people’s lives.



The campaign has received worldwide attention and the mayor of Duluth has recieved dozens of messages from all over calling for the death of a race traitor. Seriously. White supremacist websites are even talking about it (don’t click the link. It’s… not pleasant).


Turns out the Unfair campaign was wrong. White people can see racism just fine, especially when it’s the kind of racism where white people are accused of not acknowledging racism which is apparently a form of racism.


And racism that’s not actually racism against white people is the worst racism of all.

Three Hundred and Ten Million Dollars.

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What’s up, losers? This will probably be one of my last posts since I’m gonna win the powerball on Saturday and I won’t have to do this stupid blog for you dumb readers! Get your diarrhea jokes and ham handed political commentary somewhere else because I’ll be drinking liquid diamonds on my rocket boat!


If you’re offended by this, it probably means you’re poor. It’s okay. I’ll be getting a lot of that once I’m insanely rich so I should probably start pissing off poor people now so I’ll be used to it when I cash my oversized novelty check. I’m going to want a smooth transition for when I become an important, better person. Not to make you jealous, but here’s what I’m going to do with all that money.


BUY A SPORT
Some millionaires buy sports teams. I’m going to buy an entire sport. I know that $310M won’t allow me to buy one of the more popular sports but I think I could buy all of professional LaCrosse and still have plenty left to throw around.

GO INTO SPACE
I’m not talking that low earth orbit Richard Branson bullshit, I mean actual outer space. The kind Lance Bass almost went into.

GET JENA SOMETHING NICE
Like everything from that Barenaked Ladies song. I could even get the Barenaked Ladies to deliver that stuff. They’d probably appreciate the work.



“But wait!” you say, covered in the rags of the lower classes, your hands calloused from manual labor. “Aren’t you celebrating a little early? How do you know you’re going to win the powerball?” Then you cough into your hands because you probably have some gross poor person’s disease.



Don’t worry about me, urchin. I have a system in place. See, the odds of winning the powerball jackpot are roughly 1 in 195,000,000. So if I buy 2 tickets than my chances are 2 in 195,000,000. Divide 195,000,000 by 2 and my chances translate to 1 in 97,500,000. Buy a 3rd ticket and my odds are now 2 in 97,500,000 or 1 in 48,750,000. Each new ticket doubles my chances. By following this mathematically sound formula, my chances of winning are roughly 1 in 1 after buying 29 tickets. I’ll buy 30 just to be safe. Granted, the tickets are $3 each with the power play option but you have to spend money to make money.



So long, suckers!

Here's another thing I can buy. The entire Duck Tales series on DVD. Wait... Blu Ray. I'm rich now. Rich people watch Blu Ray

The Two O’Reillys.

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Bill O’Reilly will be the first to tell you that he’s not a Republican, he’s an Independent. While many of his views tend to be conservative the only school of thought he subscribes to is his own. His independent views sometimes even put him at odds with his employers at Fox News and his fanbase like when he actually supports gay rights –

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RUuRF_Tsmj8?rel=0&w=560&h=315]


Good for him! I don’t agree with most of what this guy says but here he is standing his ground, firm in the belief that homosexuals are people and shouldn’t be discriminated against because of their sexuality.


Oh, by the way a day later he stood up for his beliefs that homosexuals should totally be discriminated against because of their sexuality. Here he is calling the recent prop 8 ruling “Judicial Activism” (there’s video on the link. For some reason I can’t get the stupid mediaite player to embed on posts. Damn you HTML!).


Bill O’Reilly is so independent that his views are even independent from his own views. Seriously.


I understand that the right to work and the right to marry are two different things but you don’t get to pick and choose civil rights ala carte. Homosexuals are either second class citizens or they aren’t.


I actually feel kind of dirty using meme generator to make a joke. It's like the internet equivalent to prop comedy.




Is somebody going to call him out on this? This was like back to back. There has to be some rational explanation for this behavior. This is what I’ve come up with so far –


* Back when he was just a timid reporter for Inside Edition, O’Reilly developed a serum to separate his good side from his darker impulses. Relishing in the freedom from morality, he began to take the serum more and more. O’Reilly was soon able to transform into his darker self without the serum and his new, bold self got a job with Fox News. After years of abandon, his good side is starting to finally re-emerge.

* He’s a robot and his programmers are feeding him logical fallacies to see if his head will explode.

* He’s fucking with us.


Maybe this is just the start of a weird erosion in his sanity. Tomorrow he’ll say only gays can get married and come friday he’ll call for rounding them up and exterminating them. Monday he comes out of the closet… wearing nothing but flip flops.

We’re Here! We’re Making Millions for Wearing Weird Clothes! Get Used to it!

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MSNBC reports that fashion models are organizing a rights group called “Model Alliance” to fight back against an industry that treats them like… objects you put clothes on.


Seriously, though. The article reveals that the fashion industry is like only two degrees less skeezy than porn. Models usually start at a really young age, get paid in clothes instead of cash, get sexually harassed and sometimes even assaulted by photographers and designers. There’s also an incredibly but unsurprising rate of depression among models (that can happen when you’re 5’10, 105 pounds and some french guy with a camera is throwing things at you and making pig noises).


The formation of this…union? Team? Activist group? I don’t know what to call it. Whatever. The formation of Model Alliance, while obviously overdue is surprising to a lot of people who normally don’t think of routine abuse and emotional scarring when it comes to the fashion industry. Really, most people think of models as these lucky beautiful women who make millions of dollars for walking down runways in outfits that nobody but Lady Gaga would ever buy –

Wait. Those are clothes? Like, you can buy that in a store and wear it and go places? Really?




I just wonder if this is going to be enough? The article talks about how the alliance formed because so many models are afraid to speak up when mistreated because they’re so easily replaced (turns out it’s an entry level job) so can a union really work in such an environment? For the safety of these women I think we should just retool the whole business completely. Do away with human models. I know that the job of the model is pretty complicated but with advances in modern robotics we can actually have machines do a model’s job with 100% efficiency. I present to you: The Mannequin –

The latest in high tech model replacement.




The mannequin has been designed to do every task a model has including:

*wear clothes


Unlike the model, however, the mannequin has several advantages such as:

*cannot become addicted to heroin

*can be as thin as designer wishes without adverse effects to health

*cannot be raped

*unable to try to transition into acting career

From the director of oh wait he didn't direct anything else.




This would leave a lot of women out of a job but it’s the only way to be safe. All those impossibly beautiful women will just have to become marine biologists or whatever it is hot chicks say they want to do these days.

Weekend Sports Wrap Up!

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Anybody who knows me knows that I am a huge sports fanatic so this weekend was a real treat for somebody like me (a guy who loves sports)! Let’s take a look back and see what this exciting weekend had to offer, sports wise!


WING BOWL 2102

Hundreds of spectators cheered as Takeru Kobayashi ate 337 chicken wings in a half hour (average 11.2 wings per minute), smashing the world record by 87 wings. When asked how he felt after the competition, Kobayashi, who was literally covered in wing sauce, said via translator “I can’t… Oh God… just, just give me a minute… Jesus Christ… I don’t… Oh God.”

Takeru Kobayashi promised to devour all that is made. The earth and the stars. All will be consumed by Kobayashi until there is nothing.




CYCLING

Alberto Contador was stripped of his 2010 Tour De France title after the sport’s highest court found him guilty of doping. Cycling fans are hailing him as the first cyclist to be in the news since Lance Armstrong.


CRICKET

Pakistan beat England 99 & 365 to 141 & 252, which I’m told somehow adds up to them winning by 72 runs. Literally taken directly from the original article, “Chasing 324 to win, on a wearing pitch with areas of rough, against a brace of classy spinners, would always prove the tallest of orders, and once again the England batsmen were to prove inadequate. Alastair Cook resisted for four hours, squeezing out 49 runs, and Matt Prior launched a jaunty counter-attack when the game was pretty much up making the same score, but unbeaten. There were even some runs, 31, for Eoin Morgan who, with a total of 82, emerged as the leading run scorer of an abject middle order. It was to no avail, however. Pakistan chipped away throughout the day, always in control and dismissed England for 252, defeat for them coming by 71.” England’s bowlers hurled some nasty gobs at the wickets but the Pakistani batsmen swept the tibblers off the toddy and gibbled the thislepuff. Once Pakistan’s seeker caught the snitch it was all over for England.

You think it'd be kind of like baseball but it's actually nothing like baseball.

.


I think I’ve really got a knack for sports reporting.

WATCH: Huffpo Falls Into Own Asshole.

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So I saw this Onion article pop up in my facebook newsfeed –





and I’m honestly surprised this hasn’t showed up on the Huffington Post comedy page.


Okay, I know I misspelled “Arianna” but that shitty photoshop took me like an hour to make and I don’t know how to fix it.


The Colbert Report can do a piece on it and then Huffington Post can link to that vid and it can all end up on Anderson Cooper’s “Rediculist”. The camera will pan out until it shows the whole scene taking place in a snowglobe in the hands of Al Franken.