What’s up, losers? This will probably be one of my last posts since I’m gonna win the powerball on Saturday and I won’t have to do this stupid blog for you dumb readers! Get your diarrhea jokes and ham handed political commentary somewhere else because I’ll be drinking liquid diamonds on my rocket boat!
If you’re offended by this, it probably means you’re poor. It’s okay. I’ll be getting a lot of that once I’m insanely rich so I should probably start pissing off poor people now so I’ll be used to it when I cash my oversized novelty check. I’m going to want a smooth transition for when I become an important, better person. Not to make you jealous, but here’s what I’m going to do with all that money.
BUY A SPORT
Some millionaires buy sports teams. I’m going to buy an entire sport. I know that $310M won’t allow me to buy one of the more popular sports but I think I could buy all of professional LaCrosse and still have plenty left to throw around.
GO INTO SPACE
I’m not talking that low earth orbit Richard Branson bullshit, I mean actual outer space. The kind Lance Bass almost went into.
GET JENA SOMETHING NICE
Like everything from that Barenaked Ladies song. I could even get the Barenaked Ladies to deliver that stuff. They’d probably appreciate the work.
“But wait!” you say, covered in the rags of the lower classes, your hands calloused from manual labor. “Aren’t you celebrating a little early? How do you know you’re going to win the powerball?” Then you cough into your hands because you probably have some gross poor person’s disease.
Don’t worry about me, urchin. I have a system in place. See, the odds of winning the powerball jackpot are roughly 1 in 195,000,000. So if I buy 2 tickets than my chances are 2 in 195,000,000. Divide 195,000,000 by 2 and my chances translate to 1 in 97,500,000. Buy a 3rd ticket and my odds are now 2 in 97,500,000 or 1 in 48,750,000. Each new ticket doubles my chances. By following this mathematically sound formula, my chances of winning are roughly 1 in 1 after buying 29 tickets. I’ll buy 30 just to be safe. Granted, the tickets are $3 each with the power play option but you have to spend money to make money.
So long, suckers!
Here's another thing I can buy. The entire Duck Tales series on DVD. Wait... Blu Ray. I'm rich now. Rich people watch Blu Ray