Romance, Married Style.

Hey, girl. You know it’s Valentine’s Day. Today’s the day we show the people we love just how much they mean to us. The day everybody shows that special somebody just how special they are. Today’s all about romance and passion.



You know I’m all about romance and passion.



I know that you think it might be hard to keep the passion going now that we’ve been together for nearly five years. Some may think that Valentine’s day is for couples that have the burning flame of new love but I know just what you want. Today I’m going to cater to your deepest desires and make your wildest fantasies come true.



Today I’m going to do the laundry.



That’s right, girl. All the laundry. I’m going to wash every bit of dirty clothing we have in the house. I’m even going to wash the linens because it’s been a few weeks and they’re really overdue.



I’m gonna wash all the dirty fucking blankets in the house until they smell like a flower strewn meadow in the springtime. You like that?



Don’t even think I’m done because after I wash all the clothes I’m going to put them away. I’m going to fold everything that needs to be folded and put everything that needs to be hung on hangers. All for you. By the end of Valentine’s day, you won’t only be able to see the bedroom floor, we’ll be able to walk around without worrying about stepping on something hidden under some dirty clothes.



Don’t pass out from extacy yet girl because that’s not all. Come in closer. I want to whisper this last little bit in your ear. Get in real close.



I’ll make sure to keep the cashmere sweaters out of the dryer so they won’t shrink down.



This Valentine’s Day, all of your dreams are going to come true.

To Jena, My Wife, Whom I Slept With.

My love for you knows no artistic ability. Seriously. If you knew how long it took me to make this crappy Valentine you'd be really embarrassed but kind of touched that I put so much effort into expressing my love for you even though the end product looks like something a third grader did if he wasn't really trying. I love you <#




Jena. There are so many reasons I made you this homemade Valentine.


* I wanted to express my love for you without buying into the whole consumer trap of Valentine’s Day.

* I’m broke.

* Hoping to get some action.

* In approx. AD 270, a Roman priest named Valentinus was jailed for marrying Christian couples. Back then, it was a crime to help Christians be Christian. Claudius Gothicus took a liking to him and was going to spare him but sentenced Valentinus to death after Valentinus tried to convert Claudius. I’d like to think that my love for you is like Valentinus’ love for Christianity. Devotion to the point of stupidity.

Thank God I’ll never have to prove it to that extreme but if loving you was a crime, I hope that I’d be put to death talking the jailer’s ear off about how awesome you are and how happy you make me.