Tag Archives: politics

Michele Bachmann, Make my Birthday Wish Come True

Posted on by
Reply

Dear Michele Bachmann:

Yesterday I heard that you wouldn’t be running for re-election in 2014. Some people are disheartened by this news. Others are not. You always have been a polarizing figure in politics and the reaction to your news yesterday just further proved that.



Now, I’m not here to gloat, make fun of you or speculate as to why you’re leaving today. I just wanted to bring up an interesting point I heard on NPR yesterday and make a suggestion.



NPR was reporting the details of your announcement and bringing in various pundits from both sides of the fence to discuss what it meant now that you’re leaving and to speculate what you’d do next. At one point it was brought up that you still have campaign funds of approximately $1.9 million. Now, legally you can’t just write a check for yourself since you’re dropping out of the race but those funds do exist and there are certain things that you can do with them. You could use them for legal defense fees in the ethics investigation currently underway, you could use them for another political campaign for yourself or perhaps to support some other republican’s campaign or you could donate it to charity.



Here’s a suggestion. Donate it all to charity.



Sure you could spend the money on lawyers or to prop up another republican campaign but think about just donating it all to charity. What better legacy could you leave? What better swan song than to take your war chest and use it to help an organization that’s out there only trying to do the most good? I’d suggest a completely apolitical organization. Something that has no left or right leanings like feed my starving children. It’s a christian organization but their only goal is to bring food to hungry kids around the world regarless of faith.



The best part of this? No liberal can give you shit for this. I certainly wouldn’t and I’ve taken jabs at you at every available opportunity in the last two years. Liberals would almost be forced to admit that it was incredibly generous of you to donate your campaign funds to charity when you could have easily used the money elsewhere.



Today’s my birthday, Congresswoman Bachmann. All I want is for you to donate your campaign funds to charity.



That and some donuts but you don’t need to help me there.

Michele Bachmann: Teflon Bitch

Posted on by
Reply

I’m not obsessed with Michele Bachmann.



Seriously. I know I’ve written about her at least a dozen times here but it’s not my fault. She’s just such a magnet for attention.



Even now, when she should be at her quietest. This woman should really shy away from the spotlight right now but she’s putting out campaign ads. Election’s in 2014 but she’s putting campaign ads on youtube.



I can’t find the one I originally saw which was just a video of her bragging about how she voted to repeal Obamacare but here’s one on the Team Bachmann channel shit talking Jim Graves –




Waitaminute. Didn’t Bachmann nearly go bankrupt from her failed presidential bid? Isn’t this bitch currently under an ethics investigation? Should she really be bragging about voting to repeal Obamacare? The House has drafted a bill to repeal Obamacare 37 times, knowing it would never make it through the Senate. Sounds incredibly fucking unproductive to me.



Pundits are saying that the early running of these ads shows that she’s scared of losing to Graves. She barely won the last election and the ethics investigation isn’t doing her any favors but I think it’s something different completely.



She’s bragging.



Bachmann knows that she’s got her district on lockdown and these ads are just to let us know that she ain’t going anywhere anytime soon. Her husband could be caught Larry Craiging it up in an airport bathroom but she’d probably just make him pray the gay away and win just like she always does.



Ugh. I think I’m gonna volunteer for the Graves campaign or something.

Senator Branden Petersen!

Posted on by
Reply

I don’t know if you guys saw the news but marriage equality is being signed into law today by Governor Mark Dayton. After the House didn’t fuck it up it was predicted that the bill would pass the senate pretty easily since they have a DFL majority but nobody was completely sure until the votes were cast and they did it.



We won.



My first impulse in writing about this is to just shamelessly gloat about this victory to the opponents of marriage equality. Just rub their noses in it. Maybe make a big satirical post about how I’m turning into a lustful cockmonster and want to marry a horse or whatever but I’m not going to. I’m sure there’s plenty of completely bullshit reasons on why some people want to treat homosexuals as second class citizens but I’m not going to change anybody’s minds by ridiculing them.



Besides, nothing I say could beat the pure, simple awesomeness of Laura Thompson’s now famous photo-



So gay.

So gay.





What I would like to do, however, is acknowledge two Republican State Senators for two very different reasons.



I listened to some of the debates before the vote yesterday and it was pretty much what you’d expect. Democrats going to the mic and shouting “love!”, Republicans going to the mic and shouting “Jesus”. One speech, however, took me by surprise. Senator Dave Senjem, a Republican, went up to the podium and said this (abridged).



We’re going to have same sex marriage. I think of people like Bob and Joe, good friends, good people, happen to be gay. I don’t have to understand everythign there is to know about being gay. But they take care of their house, mow their lawn. got a picture from Marge and Jo today, good friends, have invited me to their wedding. As we go forward, I hope through my life I’ve been able to reach out to people like this and say ‘I may disagree with you, I’ve been polite, I’ve been cordial’ . In a few minutes I’ll decide whether I step across this line or not and we’ll find out.



I heard that speech and thought it was really brave of that man to step outside of his party rhetoric and just look at the people around him. There was more to the speech where he acknowledged that the bill would probably pass with or without his vote and he hoped to go to Marge and Jo’s wedding.



He voted “no”.



He voted no because he knew the bill would pass with or without him so he decided to play it safe politically. Bob and Joe may keep their lawn mowed but nice lawns don’t get a man re-elected. He’ll go to Marge and Jo’s wedding but he’ll make a vote trying to keep it from happening. It was a coward’s vote but what should I expect? All but one Republican voted “no” yesterday. The single Republican who voted “yes”?



Senator Branden “Iron Balls” Petersen.
Not pictured: tree-trunk like arms, size 15 feet, set of titanium testicles.

Not pictured: tree-trunk like arms, size 15 feet, set of titanium testicles.





Senator Branden Petersen is the lone Republican who stood up for Marriage Equality yesterday. No bait-and-switch bullshit like Senjem, this guy said ahead of time that he’d vote “yes” and he voted “yes”.



This badass voted his conscience even though he’s a Republican representing ANOKA COUNTY. That’s Michele Bachmann’s stomping grounds. This was political suicide for him but he couldn’t look himself in the mirror knowing he voted “no”.



There’s a lot of people who are responsible for making today’s bill passage possible. Legislators, Gov. Dayton, Minnesotans United, countless volunteers and donors and all should be congratulated. In my mind, though, Senator Brandon Peterson is today’s MVP.



With honorable mention to Laura Thompson.

Today’s Vote For Gay Marriage.

Posted on by
Reply

The Minnesota House is voting on a bill today that would legalize same sex marriage. It’s been a long, hard road for many people leading up to this day and I only have one thing to say to legislators about today’s vote.



Please don’t fuck this up. Oh God, please don’t fuck this up.



I hate getting my hopes up for these things but it sounds like this bill’s going to pass. I want to just breathe a sigh of relief but this could get fucked up at the last minute and I’m not going to be totally satisfied until the votes are all counted and it’s clear they didn’t fuck this up.



This could be huge. Allowing gay couples the same marriage rights as heterosexuals in this state is not only a step forward for Minnesota, but each state that does this shows this country is moving in the right direction and that it’s only a matter of time before gays have complete equality in this nation. Each step in the right direction counts.



As long as the MN House doesn’t fuck this up.



I cannot stress the importance of not fucking this up enough. If they fuck this up, there will be more and more campaigning, ads, volunteers, debates, lawn signs, ads, hurt and arguments. This issue is not going away and if gay marriage isn’t legalized today it’s supporters will never stop fighting for it.



So don’t fuck this up. Please.

Union Free Twinkies

Posted on by
Reply

Okay, guys. I know that Jason Collins came out of the closet and that’s groundbreaking and a huge deal but we need to talk about something important. Snack cakes.



It seems as if Hostess will be hitting the shelves again pretty soon. I found out from this image that’s been floating around facebook the last couple of days –



from the facebook post: "Twinkies are back! (At least they will be by July.) Two companies have purchased the Hostess assets and will reopen four plants and hire 1,500 workers – and all of this will be done union free!! LIKE if you will buy a union free Twinkie to celebrate!"

from the facebook post: “Twinkies are back! (At least they will be by July.) Two companies have purchased the Hostess assets and will reopen four plants and hire 1,500 workers – and all of this will be done union free!! LIKE if you will buy a union free Twinkie to celebrate!”





This little gem came from the facebook group ForAmerica, the offical page of foramerica.org. foramerica.org is a nonprofit started by conservative pundit L. Brent Bozell III to serve the dual purpose of trying to repeal Obamacare via the use of memes –



*the viewpoints of foramerica.org do not necessarily reflect those of Tardar Sauce, aka Grumpy Cat.

*the viewpoints of foramerica.org do not necessarily reflect those of Tardar Sauce, aka Grumpy Cat.





and sucking the GOP’s dick through creepy fanfic –



This could totally be the beginning of a Republican porno. "Trickle Down Her Back"

This could totally be the beginning of a Republican porno. “Trickle Down Her Back”





Also their website has a freedom meter. I don’t even know what that’s about –



maybe it's like a scientology e-meter. You grab onto a couple of metal rods and somebody asks you a bunch of questions about eagles and fireworks or something.

maybe it’s like a scientology e-meter. You grab onto a couple of metal rods and somebody asks you a bunch of questions about eagles and fireworks or something.





Whatever. I’m not going to try to explain to them why unions didn’t cause the collapse of Hostess to these douchebags. Plenty of people have tried on the comment thread of the pic and failed. I will, however, say this. I don’t care that Hostess is coming back.



Turns out America didn’t collapse with the absence of Hostess. Sure, Batman had to work a little harder to get away from mummies but other than that I think we did alright as a country in the last few months –



Batman's been slipping ever since he found out he can bribe most villains with sweets.

Batman’s been slipping ever since he found out he can bribe most villains with sweets.





So sorry, ForAmerica. I think I’ll pass on the union free twinkies. I’m trying to cut back on sweets and bullshit union demonizing. Besides. If I really want some packed with chemicals and lard sponge cake Little Debbie has been my dealer since Hostess closed anyway.



OK so they're not union either but all employees are shareholders and Swiss Cake Rolls are better than Ho Hos anyway.

OK so they’re not union either but all employees are shareholders and Swiss Cake Rolls are better than Ho Hos anyway.

Wait… Gay Marriage Wasn’t Already Mandatory in France?

Posted on by
1

Here’s a thing I just found out that really surprised me. Gay marriage was just legalized in France this week. What surprised me about it was not the fact that the gay marriage bill passed but that it was really fiercely debated. There were protests, riots, police and tear gas. Shit was crazy –



Sacre Bleu! Photo credit: Philippe Wojazer / Reuters

Sacre Bleu! Photo credit: Philippe Wojazer / Reuters





I can’t believe there was such fierce opposition to gay marriage in France because… well… it’s France.



This is fucking France we’re talking about. It’s the San Francisco of Europe. This is the country that’s known for wine, mimes and sexual permissiveness. Their biggest exports are turtlenecks and pencil thin mustaches. How could France not be in full support of gay marriage? It’s France! Their capital city is known as gay Paris! Even the people protesting gay rights there look super gay while they’re doing it!



I checked three times. This is an ANTI gay protest. Photo credit: Kenzo/AFP/Getty Images

I checked three times. This is an ANTI gay protest. Photo credit: Kenzo/AFP/Getty Images





This is the country that brought us the goddamn beret and they’re protesting gay marriage?

Protests or no, France’s gay citizens, which until recently I thought was all of them, can now enjoy the same rights as heterosexuals.

Michele Bachmann is Never Going Away.

Posted on by
Reply

Buzzfeed has posted a wonderful piece about the shitty week Michele Bachmann has been having. For those of you too scared to click the link afraid I’m trying to give your computer a virus (I am), here’s the gist.



Bachmann said a bunch of stuff about the president living an incredibly lavish lifestyle in the White House. While he is pretty comfortable, most of her accusations about round-the-clock movie projectionists and personal grape peelers were totally untrue. CNN tried to talk to her about it and she just shouted “BENGAZI!”, threw a smoke bomb on the ground and ran away. Bill Fucking O’Reilly tried to talk to her about it and he got stonewalled.



I really can't.

I really can’t.





Some would think that if this woman can’t go on Fox News to defend herself than she’s done. They couldn’t be more mistaken. This woman’s never going away.



Sure, she’s proven time and again that she’ll never be in the senate, much less the presidency but she’s very nicely entrenched in her district. This isn’t the first time she’s said spouted a bunch of crazy lies but every time she does she just retreats out of the spotlight and gets elected again and again like the 6th district is some sort of political Lazarus pit for her.



She’ll run again next year and she’ll win again. Who do we have to defeat her? Her first victory was beating Patti Wetterling, the national face of child safety advocacy. Since then she’s been unbeatable. She’s like a political Jason Voorhees or Michael Meyers.



She may not be going up but she ain’t leaving.

YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK

Posted on by
Reply

Not to brag but I’m friends with the president on facebook. It’s a pretty exclusive list.



Just me, Barry and 35, 298, 515 of his closest friends.

Just me, Barry and 35, 298, 515 of his closest friends.





Really it’s just his PAC posting a bunch of pictures and quotes and whatever. I “liked” his page during election season and every now and then some pic from his page pops up on my timeline. Usually something cute and benign like this one that was posted on St. Paddy’s day –



A beer on St. Paddy's day! Just like me! So relatable!

A beer on St. Paddy’s day! Just like me! So relatable!





You might think it’s endearing, you might think it’s dumb, you might think it’s a cheap ploy to appeal to people, whatever. It’s a picture of the prez. having a beer on St. Paddy’s day. I usually just see a pic like that and keep scrolling down my timeline but this time I decided to check out the comments.



Big mistake. Don’t read the comments. Never read the comments on the president’s facebook posts. Nothing good can come from the comments.



Sure, there’s plenty of people just commenting “yay Obama”, plenty of spam comments but why all the hate comments? Why do you even follow the president on facebook if you think he’s a muslim socialist antichrist? This is one of the most benign comments –



MAH TAXES!

MAH TAXES!





There were plenty variations of the above comment. “and how much did this beer cost THE AMERICAN PEOPLE?” “How about you quit wasting my tax money and do your job?!?” etc. Every second the president is not doing his job he is wasting valuable taxpayer dollars. Does he look like he’s signing a bill into law in that picture? No? QUIT SLACKING AND DO YOUR JOB, BARRY.



Where's your long form certificate of intoxication?

Where’s your long form certificate of intoxication?


I’ve seen about a half dozen comments that just up and claim it’s photoshopped. I call these people conspbeeracy theorists.



and finally –
prezcomment2
Of course there’s a muslim one. There’s so many muslim ones. This one doesn’t even accuse him of being muslim. This lady’s just pissed that there are muslims that like him. Dirty, dirty muslims.



Jesus. The guy can’t even have a beer. Oh well. How about they just post a pic of him at the office with some visitors?



aw, cute.

aw, cute.


prezofficecomment
GODDAMNIT.

Hugo Chavez, Freedom Fighter / Cruel Dictator, Dead at 58.

Posted on by
1

Hugo Chavez, the man who either looted his own country to push a socialist agenda or created a socialist paradise for his people died yesterday after a two year long battle with cancer.



The controversial figure was either freely elected president of Venezuela three times or had brainwashed the people through systematically removing political opponents and tightly controlling all media in his country.



President Chavez either waving to some people or giving the "Heil Hitler" salute.

President Chavez either waving to some people or giving the “Heil Hitler” salute.





The larger-than-life figure was widely known for using the country’s vast oil wealth to either improve the lives of the poorest in Venezuela with education and health care or propping up communist dictatorship Cuba through oil subsidies.



As president, he has either been lauded as a champion for human rights of indigenous people in his country or lambasted as an antisemite who has halved the jewish population in Venezuela since he entered office through antisemetic policies in the government and media.



The streets of Venezuela will be flooded this week as people will either mourn or celebrate the passing of President Chavez.



Chavez’s vice president will take over the president’s duties in the short term until an election can be held that will either be free and fair or just a show for the international community while they place his handpicked successor into power.


Obama Needs to Stop Giving Hitler Such a Hard Time

Posted on by
Reply

President Muslim McCommie has been compared to Hitler quite a bit by conservatives who don’t like him. He’s been likened to Hitler –



Oh man remember that time Obama tried to exterminate all the Jews? Total Hitler clone.

Oh man remember that time Obama tried to exterminate all the Jews? Total Hitler clone.





He’s been called worse than Hitler, too. I’m sure there’s somebody out there that thinks Obama’s some sort of Hitler Voltron where five different Hitlers come together and form Obama.



Granted… it’s not like my team is completely innocent of Hitler comparisons –



When you think about it the conservatives are just ripping off the liberals of 6 year ago.

When you think about it the conservatives are just ripping off the liberals of 6 year ago.





It’s an easy comparison to make. Hitler was the worst so comparing somebody to Hitler is really just saying they’re the worst. The imagery of the swastika and nazi salute stir up strong emotions in people and that shitty little mustache is really easy to photoshop onto a picture –



My photoshop skills are worse than Hitler.

My photoshop skills are worse than Hitler.





The point is that Obama has been compared to Hitler in a lot of ways but up until last weekend nobody ever said he was too harsh on Hitler. Thankfully we have The National Review.



Last weekend the NR blog “The Corner” posted that Obama was way off the mark in calling the Holocaust “senseless”. Here’s just a little snippet from the post.



Nazism may have been an ideology to which the United States was — and to which the president is — implacably opposed, but it is hardly “senseless.” By the early 1930s, the Nazi party had hundreds of thousands of devoted members and repeatedly attracted a third of the votes in German elections; its political leaders campaigned on a platform comprising 25 non-senseless points, including the “unification of all Germans,” a demand for “land and territory for the sustenance of our people,” and an assertion that “no Jew can be a member of the race.” Suffice it to say, many sensible Germans were persuaded.



…the fuck?



Seriously. I had to check to make sure the National Review wasn’t some shitty satire site because I’ve been fooled by that before (fuck you, Daily Currant!) but they’re serious. These people actually think the president shouldn’t have called the Holocaust “senseless” (which it was) because it made perfect sense to a bunch of Germans at the time. What? Are conservatives really so willing to bash Obama that they’ll say “Hitler’s ideas did kinda make sense” to do it?



I think I can say, without hyperbole, that NR writer Eliana Johnson is worse than VoltronHitler.