Tag Archives: parenting

How To Step Parent.

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Sometimes I’m asked if step parenting is an easy job. Some people ask because they don’t know what’s involved with it and some people just think I’m a little immature to have authority over children. I’m a little insulted by the second one. I’m actually quite the disciplinarian. Just yesterday Jared didn’t finish cleaning the dishes before going to bed so I left him a note this morning before going to work.



Computers have 10 keys, right? I started counting them, got tired after 9 and just rounded up.

Computers have 10 keys, right? I started counting them, got tired after 9 and just rounded up.


Yes. I misspelled "privileges". I caught myself right after, was almost done with the note and thought "fuck it. I ain't starting over".

Yes. I misspelled “privileges”. I caught myself right after, was almost done with the note and thought “fuck it. I ain’t starting over”.





That’s how you step parent.

A Phone Conversation. And Strippers.

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phone

“Hey Kitty? It’s Judy.”

“Well, hello Judy! How is your day going?”

“Oh, it’s going just swell. And you, Kitty? How are your boys?”

“They’re great, Judy. Tommy just came in second in the school wide spelling bee. We’re all very proud of him over here, that’s for sure.”

“Oh, well congratulations, Kitty! That’s just wonderful! He’s what, 14 now?”

“Just turned. Now, Judy, what can I do for you?”

“Well, Billy is turning 16 next week, and we’re going to have a little party for him. I was wondering if Tommy and Timmy would like to come.”

“Oh that sounds just wonderful! Of course they would, Judy!”

“It’s going to be a mixed party. You’re okay with that, aren’t you? We’re going to keep a close eye on them.”

“Well, of course I trust you Judy.”

“Excellent! It’s going to be at the Spare Time Family Fun Center.”

“What a good idea! But you’ll keep an eye on the kids… You know they serve alcohol there.”

“Yes, and we plan on getting several pitchers for the party. The kids do love to have a good time, Kitty”

“What?”

“Well, only cheap beer, of course. It’s not like kids at this age can tell the difference.”

“Uh…”

“And Kitty, we’re taping up the windows, and we’re going to have strippers come in from Tops in Bottoms.”

“You’re doing what?!?”

“Well, you should always have live entertainment at a party, Kitty. That shows your child you really care.”

 

A woman hired strippers and served booze at her son’s 16th birthday party. I can only aspire to be such an awesome mom. Because otherwise I might land in jail.

Build a Better Child Trap…

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Hello, readers! How was your Thanksgiving? I spent mine with the in-laws, relatively drama free, while my husband was in North Dakota telling his jokes and singing shitty karaoke songs.

What neither of us did over the holiday was rescue a trapped child from a laundry chute.

Ooooh- look! Fox news! Proving that little kid stories are universal.

Apparently, little Cayden was super curious about the laundry chute and decided to take a closer look. Maybe he thought it would be like those adventure movies where you slide down the long cave slide til you get to the hidden treasure. Maybe he’s a super nerd kid and wanted to play Star Wars. Whatever the reason, 2 year old Cayden opened the laundry chute door, and fell about 20 feet into a bunch of cables that were being stored in the chute, getting tangled up and unable to move.

Eventually, fire fighters were able to rescue little Cayden, who came away from the experience with little more than a couple of bumps and scrapes. One of the first things Cayden did was try to open the chute door again, but his parents had nailed it shut.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. What kind of shitty parent wouldn’t have done that in the first place? I admit, it was kind of my first thought. But then I remembered a time when Jared was two and had, in the space of about 5 seconds, managed to go from the ground to the top of a stack of benches, about 7 feet up in the air. To this day, I have no idea HOW he managed it. Point is, 2 year olds are freaky fast. If you take your eyes off of them for even a second, they’ll end up on the other side of the room, ready to do something incredibly dangerous and scare you half to death.

They’re like the most adorable Weeping Angels ever.

Don’t blink. Don’t even blink.

Anyway, although nailing down the laundry chute door seems like a no-brainer after the fact, we have to award the father massive kudo parenting points. Upon hearing the frightened screams of his child, locating him, and wanting to comfort him, Cayden’s father PUNCHED A HOLE IN THE WALL so he could hold his son’s hand til help arrived. In fact, Dad broke his hand and is probably going to need surgery.

He totally wins The Most Bad-ass Dad in Recent News award. Do you know who doesn’t get a good parenting award? This person:

[youtube=http://youtu.be/4U32s8G33r8]

There’s no sound, so if you have your audio off at work, you’re not missing anything. For those who can’t watch the video, let me describe it for you. From a security camera: a little girl and her older brother go up to one of those stuffed animal claw games. No parents in sight, but maybe they’re off camera. The little girl decides she wants a stuffed animal, and amazingly crawls up into the vending machine through the prize door. And then her parents, oblivious to the fact that she is missing, WALK RIGHT BY THE MACHINE AND OUT THE DOORS.

Big brother has to go get his mom TWICE before she notices that her daughter is not only missing, but inside a vending machine. She casually puts down her coffee before trying to rescue her daughter. I mean, she doesn’t even seem worried. Once the child is retrieved, Mom collects her coffee and sets down the little girl. Because priorities. If it were me, I’d still be clinging to my little boy 10 years later, and I’d have forgotten all about the coffee.

But you know what the biggest shame is? That little girl didn’t even get a stuffed animal.

I Don’t Think I’m Mom Enough.

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So here’s the Time magazine cover that’s got everybody’s panties in a bunch this week –







Okay. All the news articles I’ve read about it say that the kid on the cover is three years old but he easily could pass for five. I don’t know if his mom is taking growth hormones to increase milk production or what but that is one huge three year old.



The article is about “attachment parenting” (the link goes to the AP wiki page. I’d link the Time article but stupid Time magazine wants you to pay to read their stuff). A form of parenting that supposedly fosters better bonds between parents and kids. This includes carrying them around in a sling, sleeping in the same bed as them, stay-at-home parenting and not getting babysitters and breastfeeding when the kid is old enough to unhook his mom’s bra one handed.



You can almost hear a collective sigh of relief from all those parents who make their kids wear helmets at the playground because they’re no longer considered the craziest parents on the block.



Whatever. I’m not going to tell people how to raise their kids but it’s certainly not how I’d go about doing things. In fact, it sounds like a recipe for raising a kid to go all Norman Bates on you. Just look at him –



Stop looking at the hot mom for a second and tell me that kid doesn’t look creepy.





It’s like he’s looking at you just daringyou to take him off that tit. Think about it. He probably asks his mom for food in full sentences. “Mom, can you please lift up your shirt? I’m hungry.”



I’m not sure what the acceptable cutoff age is for breastfeeding but I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to have vivid memories of sucking on your mom’s tit as a child.

Minneapolis Cops Accused of Baffling “Drugs for Nothing” Program.

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Holy shit. City Pages just put up a story about how Minneapolis cops are supposedly cruising Occupy protests to find people who are high and take them to a facility to take part in an impairment study. Allegedly, if the cops can’t find anybody who is high, they’ll get them high and sometimes even stop at a McDonald’s drive through and get them a McDouble for their trouble. The article even said they took one person who was kind of high already and got him really high before taking him to the study.


It’s no secret that I’m afraid of cops and spending a night in jail did nothing to alleviate my fears but now I have to worry about cops getting kids high?



Great. I knew we were going to have to do the “drug talk” with my stepson sooner or later but now we’ll have to amend it completely. Here we go –



Jared. You’re going to be 12 in just a couple of months and as you get older you’re going to have to make new decisions. Your parents, stepmom and I aren’t going to be around you 100% of the time so we’re trusting you to use good judgement and common sense.

I don’t need to tell you that “drugs are bad”. You’ve heard plenty about the dangers of drugs in school and you’re a smart kid but you need to realize that hearing about it in a classroom is very different from dealing with the situation in real life. I just want you to know that if a police officer tries to give you drugs you need to say “no” and get away from them as fast as possible.

If a cop ever offers you drugs you need to get away and tell somebody. Find a trusted adult like… shit. Cops used to be the “go to” people when thinking of trusted adults. I guess we don’t really have that option anymore. Go and find a… priest? No. Not a priest (at least not a Catholic one). Uh… how about a fireman? Go and find a fireman or something and tell them what happened.

It may not be easy. You may feel pressured into doing the drugs the cops are trying to give you because they’re in a position of authority and you’ve been told since you were a toddler that the police are here to protect you. They also carry loaded firearms so that kind of ups the intimidation factor.

It doesn’t matter. You have a bright future ahead of you and you don’t need to ruin it just because some police officer needs to meet some quota for a drug study.

DARE to resist drugs from cops.