Condoms and Circus Freaks

My secret shame is that I can’t juggle.

I grew up out at the Renaissance Festival, surrounded by acrobats, magicians, fire performers, clowns, and jugglers. You know, circus freaks. It’s what we do- perform for your amusement. Weird and wacky things that “normal” people don’t do. On the list, juggling is probably the least offensive and most likely trick for an audience member to know. It’s one of those simple things you just try out one day. Hell, my husband… the stand up comedian… you know, people with no useful skills so they tell jokes? Even HE can juggle. He had a two week segment in his suburban high school’s gym class.

But I can’t do it. I get the concept. I see how it works. The weave of the balls like a three strand braid in the air. But for all my half hearted attempts, I’ve never gotten the hang of it.

Which is a shame, because a street performer who can’t juggle is pretty much the lowest rung of the least respected form of entertainment out there. It doesn’t even matter that I have other street skills. I’ve flipped off of someone’s back, I’ve pulled quarters out from behind childrens ears and made them disappear, I’ve walked against invisible wind, I’ve eaten and blown and spun fire…

My favorite poi pic of me.

My favorite poi pic of me. Yes, I’m spinning fire around my body. Still not as cool as juggling.

…hell, I’ve even blocked a nail.

Don’t know what blocking is? It’s a term for pounding a nail into your head via your nostril, done by the human blockhead, the true illusion freak of the sideshow. It’s not a trick I do because it’s hard to be sexy model lady with a nail in your nose. Also, I always want to sneeze. Also, also, I hate how it feels.

I mean, have you ever laughed so hard you snorted soda pop out your nose? Try that with a nail. It’s not *painful* but it’s also not a pleasant experience.

Which is why, in the world of me getting older and kids getting dumber, I just don’t understand the latest YouTube trend among teens.

Nosing condoms.

All the cool kids are taking a condom, snorting it up their nose, and then pulling it out their mouth. They film it and put it on YouTube, and the other kids love it.

This proves to me that YouTube has become our sideshow of circus freaks.

Which makes me wonder if any of them can juggle.

A Phone Conversation. And Strippers.

phone

“Hey Kitty? It’s Judy.”

“Well, hello Judy! How is your day going?”

“Oh, it’s going just swell. And you, Kitty? How are your boys?”

“They’re great, Judy. Tommy just came in second in the school wide spelling bee. We’re all very proud of him over here, that’s for sure.”

“Oh, well congratulations, Kitty! That’s just wonderful! He’s what, 14 now?”

“Just turned. Now, Judy, what can I do for you?”

“Well, Billy is turning 16 next week, and we’re going to have a little party for him. I was wondering if Tommy and Timmy would like to come.”

“Oh that sounds just wonderful! Of course they would, Judy!”

“It’s going to be a mixed party. You’re okay with that, aren’t you? We’re going to keep a close eye on them.”

“Well, of course I trust you Judy.”

“Excellent! It’s going to be at the Spare Time Family Fun Center.”

“What a good idea! But you’ll keep an eye on the kids… You know they serve alcohol there.”

“Yes, and we plan on getting several pitchers for the party. The kids do love to have a good time, Kitty”

“What?”

“Well, only cheap beer, of course. It’s not like kids at this age can tell the difference.”

“Uh…”

“And Kitty, we’re taping up the windows, and we’re going to have strippers come in from Tops in Bottoms.”

“You’re doing what?!?”

“Well, you should always have live entertainment at a party, Kitty. That shows your child you really care.”

 

A woman hired strippers and served booze at her son’s 16th birthday party. I can only aspire to be such an awesome mom. Because otherwise I might land in jail.

Grandpa Is the Next Hot Young Thing

I can still wear some of my clothes from high school. Us rail thin people have it pretty easy in some respects… Like not having to shop for clothes all the time. I mean they fit a little different now. The words that used to run nipple to nipple across my chest now run along the tops of my boobs.

Gravity’s a bitch.

But there is one old man that’s not going to let his age keep him out of teenage clothes. Specifically his granddaughter’s teen clothes. You know, it really sounds gross when I say it like that. Eeeew! Old man wears his granddaughter’s clothes. Like he’s some kind of fetishist or something.

Look, not every old man from Asia wearing teen girl clothes is a fetishist. Way to stereotype. Asshole.

Anyway, Liu Xianping from China has been modeling clothes designed for teen girls in his granddaughter’s shop. And he has been WORKING it.

What I wouldn't give to have those legs..

The store is owned by 5 young ladies, one of whom (Ms Lv) is the granddaughter of the classy cross-dressing grandpa.

When Grandpa was helping unpack the boxes with his granddaughter, he started to mix and match different outfits together. They were having so much fun that they decided to shoot some pictures.

And a picture is worth a thousand… dollars? Since Xianping has started modeling the clothes, sales have gone up FIVE TIMES. That’s not hits to the online store. That is actual money sales.

But I mean, with legs like that, can you blame them?