Tag Archives: news

Supreme Court Strikes Down (most of) Arizona Immigration Law

Posted on by
3





In a 5-3 decision, the US Supreme Court struck down most provisions of Arizona’s SB1070 “Fuck the Mexicans” law. While they upheld one of the most controversial provisions which lets police check a person’s immigration status while enforcing other laws if “reasonable suspicion” exists that the person is in the United States illegally, many of the provisions of the bill were gutted. Here’s just a few of the measures that were taken out in the ruling.


Sec. 4-A: If suspect is of Latino descent, officers may state “You ain’t from around here, are ya?” in leiu of Miranda reading.


Sec. 7-C: Police may pull any driver over who has a novelty “La Cucaracha” car horn.


Sec. 2-D: Citizens may shoot any Illegal Alien working at a job the citizen would like.


Sec. 5 K-L: $200,000 in taxpayer funds to be allocated for the construction of a giant catapult pointing towards the Mexican border. The catapult will be constructed by illegal aliens who, upon completion, will be loaded into the catapult and fired towards Mexico.


Sec. 1-E: Any employer who has illegal aliens in his/her employ does not have to pay them.


Sec. 1-A: The pejoratives “spic”, “wetback”, “cholo” and “beaner” are no longer recognized as hate speech.


Sec. 3-F: Any “anchor babies” (children of illegal aliens born in the U.S.) who’s parents have been deported will be taken to special education camps, brainwashed and trained to be emotionless, illegal alien killing machines.


For more information on Arizona’s SB1070 law, ask a stupid person wearing an American Flag T-Shirt.

On the Whole Bullied Busdriver Thing.

Posted on by
4

Holy shit.



By now you’ve probably heard about that New York middle school bus monitor youtube video thing. Somebody posted a video of some kids brutally harassing this bus monitor for like ten minutes straight –



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l93wAqnPQwk&w=420&h=315]



and the internet goes collectively apeshit. Front page of reddit, huffington post story, the victim gets interviewed on Fox and Friends and 4chan starts posting contact info about the kids who did this.



It’s no surprise that this took off the way it did. I watched the whole video and those kids were saying some horrible, messed up things to that woman and enjoying the fact that she was crying throughout the whole thing. It’s really fucked up.



The worst part of all that is people who take low level admin jobs at schools aren’t doing it for the money. She’s making like $15k a year doing that. People take those jobs because they like working with kids. Can you imagine taking a job like that to help kids out and that’s how you’re treated? Ugh.



Luckily, this story has a happy ending for bus monitor Karen Huff Klein. She’s received an outpouring of love and support from people all over the world. Emails, facebook pages, youtube reaction videos (I never understood the youtube reaction videos thing. People make youtube videos of themselves talking about youtube videos they saw?) from thousands and thousands of people. Somebody even set up a page where people can donate to send Karen on a much needed dream vacation. They set the goal at $5,000 and the donations are currently at… let’s see…



HOLY COCKING FUCK BALLS $206,000



The amount goes up every goddamn time I refresh the page. It’s been less than a minute and they’re almost at $207,000. Where are they sending this woman on vacation? The fucking moon?



Don’t get me wrong. The woman went through hell in that video and she totally deserves a vacation but for $207,000 I’d gladly let a pack of middle school kids call me a troll and fatass for ten minutes. Hell, for 207 grand I’d let them do the things they threatened to do if they found her address in the video. I’m not kidding.



It’s almost at $210,000 now. At the rate this is climbing she’ll be at $300,000 by the end of the day. For $300,000 I would let those kids ride in the back of my car every time I had to drive anywhere for a year. They can call me whatever the want and one of them gets to kick me in the dick when I get out of the car. Only 1 dick kick per day, though. I have my dignity.



I’m sure she’ll probably end up donating most of that to charity or something but whatever. Good for her!



I only have this pic here so an image will show up when I share the blog on facebook. Marketing!

With a Chain on My Legs an Adidas at My Feet.

Posted on by
1

Just in time for Juneteenth: The Adidas slave shoe!

the chains are there… in case your shoes fall off?





That right there is the Adidas Roundhouse Trainer shoe. It was set to be released this summer but Adidas announced they were cancelling the project because… Well because the cuff and chain look like slave shackles. Adidas shoes are popular with African Americans but references to slavery are not so popular. Kind of a pet peeve for African Americans, really. The whole slavery thing.



Jeremy Scott, the designer of the shoe, maintains that he was not trying for the whole “slave” look when making the shoe. His inspirations have always came from toys in his childhood. When I read that I wondered what kind of weird shit this guy was into as a kid when shackles were involved but then I read that the particular inspiration for this shoe was the plush toy “My Pet Monster”.



My pet forced laborer.





So okay. Maybe he wasn’t going for a whole slave motif but that imagery stirs strong feelings in people about a horrible chapter of our history. On top of that it looks really stupid.



I mean, if you’re wearing those with long pants are you supposed to put the cuffs under the pants? Then nobody sees them. Do you put them over the pants or maybe roll up your pant legs like there was a flood coming? That would just look weird.



Also, fastening the cuffs is just another step in putting on shoes and I’m lazy. When I found out that I needed loafers for a job several years back I didn’t buy tennis shoes for three years just because I didn’t want to tie laces. Now I’ve got to tie my shoes and fasten the cuffs? I don’t even tie my shoes sometimes. The cuffs would probably just drag behind my heels and some jerk would step on them and make me trip.



Adidas also announced they’d be cancelling plans for their new “Three Fifths” sandal.

First They Took the Massholes…

Posted on by
Reply

It is illegal to swear in public in Middleborough, MA.


Well, it’s been illegal for a long time in that town but it was one of those old wacky laws nobody ever enforces like “all bathtubs must have feet” or “women are prohibited from wearing Santa suits” (actually most of those “dumb laws” you hear about are totally not true). The law was recently decriminalized, though and now cops can issue $20 fines for swearing.



“Officials insist the proposal was not intended to censor casual or private conversations, but instead to crack down on loud, profanity-laden language used by teens and other young people in the downtown area and public parks.” So it’s not like they’re just trying to crack down on First Amendment protected free speech… okay they are but all that swearing really makes some people uncomfortable.



Honestly, swearing is just part of the climate in Massachusetts. If you live near Orlando it’s gonna get pretty humid and if you live near Boston it’s gonna get pretty vulgar.



It’s really not a big deal. Of course it’s unconstitutional to fine people for speaking but it’s not like this is the first domino in a chain that leads to Orwellian Thought Police. Shit like this happens all the time. The ACLU will go down to Middleborough and throw a tantrum and the law will be reversed.



While I’m all for that happening, part of me wants to see what it would be like in the Massachusetts town where Massholes were fined for swearing. Tell a Masshole they can’t swear (sweah) and you might as well tell them they can’t breathe air (aeh). Guys in the street will soon be yelling at each other with TV edit swears so they don’t get arrested. Cut somebody off in Middleborough and you might hear them shout “YOU PIECE OF SHRIMP MELLON FARMER!” out their car window.



That’s only going to hold them over for so long, though. Pretty soon people will be gathering in the basements of bars for “sweareasies” so they can cut loose without fear of reprisal.



“Hey, fuck you, buddy! Oh man that felt good to say.”





The first rule of swear club is go fuck yourself, asshole.


World Politics

Posted on by
1

The political climate in this country has been incredibly heated and divisive. The whole Wisconsin recall election shows just how bitter and divided we can be as a nation when it comes to politics. Hell, I’m certainly not above it. I spent the last two days ranting on this blog about it and I think I’m still in an argument with somebody in the comments section of yesterday’s post.


I know it can seem childish to argue so fiercely about politics but as fierce as these arguments can get and as divided as a nation we may seem. I think we can all benefit from taking a deep breath and being thankful that we’re not Europe.


Seriously. Political shit’s crazy over there.


[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wVqJ7JRLCmg&w=420&h=315]



So that just happened in Greece.



That was Athens parliament member Ilias Kasidiaris slapping around parliament member Liana Kanelli because another woman said Ilias’ party would “take Greece back 500 years!” Hitting women was totally okay 500 years ago so I guess he just proved her right.



The added irony on this is that Ilias has been constantly trying to prove that his Golden Dawn party is not a bunch of violent Neo Nazis.



People just think Golden dawn is Neo Nazi because their salute looks suspiciously like “heil hitler” (bottom left), their flag looks suspiciously like a swastika (bottom center) and they beat the shit out of immigrants.





So if you think the Wisconsin thing is bad at least it’s not Nazis slapping around communist women on televised debates.



It’s like that all over Europe. The Ukranian Parliament can’t even meet without it turning into a giant fistfight.



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LXCSdJivHzU&w=420&h=315]



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fadIvRtayts&w=560&h=315]



Yes, those are two separate videos, two years apart.



Honestly, maybe Americans would get more involved with politics if politicians around here threw hands every now and then. It’s a shame Anthony Weiner got booted for being a pervert because I could totally see him taking a swing at a republican eventually.



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_O_GRkMZJn4&w=420&h=315]

HEY, WISCONSIN!

Posted on by
Reply

If you live in Wisconsin you should only be reading this right now if –



1. You’re wearing one of those nifty “I voted” stickers.
2. You’re under 18 years of age.
3. You’re a felon.



If you don’t fall into any of those three categories then you need to get off your ass and go vote!



…unless you’re in line to vote and are reading this on a smart phone. If that’s the case I apologize for yelling at you.



Seriously, though. Vote Walker out of office. The guy’s a douchebag. To sum up why for the few people who haven’t watched The Daily Show in over a year, here’s a short play I wrote called “2011 Wisconsin Act 10: A One Act Play”.


GOV. WALKER: Our state is facing a bazillion dollar deficit! I have concocted a plan to fix the budget! It’s called 2011 Wisconsin Act 10.

DEMS: (reads bill) Okay this seems mostly legit and we’ll totally sign this if you take out the part that seems to cripple or completely destroy state worker unions.

GOV. WALKER: State worker unions aren’t necessary! They’re useless and bankrupting the state!

DEMS: Okay well if that’s the case then why are cops and firefighters exempt from the whole “union kneecapping” thing? And what’s this whole part about firing state employees all willy-nilly if you declare a State of Emergency? We’re gonna head to Illinois for a while while you think this over.

GOV. WALKER: I WILL START LAYING OFF STATE EMPLOYEES AND FREEZE YOUR GODDAMN PAY IF YOU DON’T GET BACK HERE.

DAVID KOCH: …are they gone?

GOV. WALKER: It’s okay, lover. It’s just you and me now.

DAVID KOCH: Hold me.

(the two entwine in a tender embrace)

fin



Vote, ya cheeseheads!


Okay I know they’re making the hand look like the state but did they have to include the eastern peninsula? It looks like a weird, pointy 6th finger.




The Zombie Apocalypse Approaches.

Posted on by
2

Earlier this week there was a news story about a naked man attacking somebody and eating 80% of their face. Immediately half the people I know shared the story on facebook with the comment “The zombie apocalypse begins!”. Jena showed me the story and said I should blog about it but I decided against it, feeling the story was overdone and the punchline was way too easy.


Later a story broke about some low rent Canadian porn star killing a man, eating parts of him and mailing other parts to places around Canada.



George Romero never warned us that zombies would be dressed as douchebags.




Now there’s a story about a college student in Maryland ate his roommate’s brain and heart.



The girlfriend of the guy from the first story actually said in an interview that she now believes in voodoo because her boyfriend would never do such a thing.



While the CDC has had a zombie prepardness page for some time as a jokey/educational disaster prepardness campaign, they felt that with recent stories they actually had to come out and tell people that zombies aren’t real. Sorry, CDC but all evidence points to the contrary.



With the government obviously unprepared, dealing with the zombie problem will obviously be left to the general populace which means two groups of people are going to come out on top. Nerds and rednecks.



Rednecks have the guns, hunting experience, trucks and general survival skills. Nerds have run the scenario of a zombie apocalypse in their heads countless times. Honestly. If you’re not a nerd, you probably know one. Ask them what they’d do in the event of a zombie apocalypse and they’ll tell you in exhausting detail plans A, B and C. What they’d do with the slow Romero zombies, the fast Dawn of the Dead remake zombies, the 28 Days Later virus zombies. Nerds will tell you where they’d go, who they’d bring, what weapons they’d carry and their long term plan.



With nerds and rednecks being the two main subcultures that would survive the oncoming zombie onslaught a new civilization will form when the dust settles and the outbreak is under control. Expect to see fuel-efficient NASCAR and some of the most nuanced and intelligent writing professional wrestling has ever seen. As much as I’m not looking forward to a war with the undead I have to admit I can’t wait to hear MC Frontalot’s country album.



Frankly, though, I could do without Trucknutz and a confederate flag on the TARDIS.


DC Announces Gay Superhero. “One Million Moms” Gets Panties in Collective Bunch.

Posted on by
1

DC Comics recently announced that one of its established characters is coming out as gay. Many fans are suspecting it will be a huge shakeup and DC is going to have Batman come out of the Batcave while others are banking on the easy money –



Too easy.




Gay characters in the DCU are nothing new. In fact, there’s a whole DC wikia page dedicated to homosexual characters. When I heard that a new character was coming out I just figured either Judd Winick was given a new title to write for or there was a female cop that they forgot to make lesbian. Seriously. If you’re a female cop in Metropolis or Gotham then you’re probably a lesbian.


Between this and Marvel Comics announcing that it’s first openly gay superhero Northstar is getting married, the thoroughly misnamed One Million Moms (there’s certainly less than a million of them) has started a boycott of DC and Marvel comic books.


You may remember OMM from when they made a big stink about Ellen DeGeneres being the new spokesperson for JC Penny because having a gay person try to sell you clothes on TV corrupts children or whatever.



If I remember right they were super successful in the campaign, JC Penny went out of business and Ellen was burned at the stake for laying with a woman as one lays with a man. They’re really a force to be reckoned and I’m sure the comic book industry will crumble under the pressure in a matter of days.



I mean, their demands are reasonable. They just want the entertainment industry as a whole to not acknowledge that homosexuality exists for the sake of their children. From their “issues” page on their website, “Children desire to be just like superheroes. Children mimic superhero actions and even dress up in costumes to resemble these characters as much as possible. Can you imagine little boys saying, ‘I want a boyfriend or husband like X-Men?'”



If your kid is saying that than he was gay long before he read any X-Men.


p.s. My prediction for the DC character that comes out of the closet: Woozy Winks

“Cling tightly to my butt cheeks, Woozy!” “I’m clingin’, Plas! I’m clingin’!

Reagan’s Blood For Sale!

Posted on by
5

That’s right! Somebody out there claims to have a vial of Reagan’s blood and currently has it up for auction! The auction is going on until Thursday and bidding is at approx. $12,000 right now.


The seller claimed that he got the vial from his mother, who worked at the hospital where the former president was treated after the failed assassination attempt. Fans of the Gipper are outraged that this guy is selling the blood (blood money is only cool with Reaganites if it’s a metaphor but the guy selling the blood said that when he was asked to donate it to the Reagan Library “I told him that I didn’t think that was something that I was going to consider,” he wrote. “… I was a real fan of Reaganomics and felt that President Reagan himself would rather see me sell it rather than donating”.



Now I’m aware most of my readers are eccentric millionaires who have the money to spend on such an odd relic but what can you do with a vial of Reagan’s blood? Here’s a few suggestions –


* Make 93 perfect clones of Reagan and spread them around the world, hoping one of them will grow up to Become Reagan and bring Reaganomics and monkey movies back to the world.

* Impress the hell out of Jodie Foster.

* Create a potion that makes people ignore AIDS.

* Drink the blood and gain all the powers of Reagan by becoming The Reaganator!



Bristling with rocket pods, Gatling guns and cannon, The latest in technology to slay the foes of Mammon




You can bid for the vial of blood here. Good luck!

Marijuana: The Most Dangerous Thing Ever.

Posted on by
1

A group in Colorado is pushing for the legalization of recreational marijuana use. The group, according to their website regulatemarijuana.org, wants to “regulate marijuana like alcohol”. By use of billboards intentionally parked over the seediest of liquor stores –



The wine racks at that place are stocked exclusively with Night Train and MD 20/20





and tv commercials –



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rCVc_kLfjMg&w=420&h=315]


trying to put a relatable face on the issue because I guess this guy wasn’t winning over a lot of voters –



Legalize it, man! You’ll wear shitty necklaces and never wash your hair again!





They’re whole campaign is based on the idea that marijuana is less dangerous than alcohol. While there are nearly 40,000 alcohol related deaths in America each year the fact is that marijuana, also know as Blunt, dope, ganja, grass, herb, joint, bud, Mary Jane, pot, reefer, green, trees, smoke, sinsemilla, skunk, weed, hash, tea, chronic, 420 (source: abovetheinfluence.com) has a lot of dangerous and fatal side effects that people rarely talk about. Let’s look at some of the risks you’re taking when you smoke “reefer”.


*Cheeto Overdose: When under the influence of “sinsemilla”, people often disregard the “dangerously cheesy” warning on the label and snack with abandon.

* Over-appreciation of Pink Floyd: Have you ever listened to Pink Floyd? I mean, like, really listened to Pink Floyd? I don’t think you get it. You really need to just listen to what Pink Floyd is saying and you’ll get it, man. You’ll get it.

*Increased Tolerance of Jim Breuer: If you find this funny, call a doctor immediately.
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dq2EIPLmoeY&w=560&h=315]


For more information on the dangers of marijuana, contact a stuffy authority figure.