Live Every Day As Pope Like It’s Your Last Day As Pope.

Today (or yesterday. I’m not sure how time zones work in the old country) is/was the last day as Pope for Benedict XVI. After today the man known as Pope Benedict will be humble ol Pope Emeritus –



Time to trade in that gold embroidered silk chair for a gold embroidered silk rocking chair.

Time to trade in that gold embroidered silk chair for a gold embroidered silk rocking chair.





. Here’s a few of the things on his “to-do” list on his last day as pope:



* Finally get those two wisdom teeth extracted while he’s still on the Vatican dental plan

* Ride in the front seat of the popemobile just to see what it’s like up there.

* Take care of the recent Vatican Gay Network scandal because there’s nothing worse than priests having sex with consenting adults.

* Swipe some office supplies: Gold staplers, gold staples, jewel encrusted pens, post it notes.

* Excommunicate a few people.

* Perform exit interview in case he ever wants to reapply for papacy.

* Buy normal size hat.

* Delete all work emails with biographer Paula Broadwell.

* Really just lose his shit and tell God what he thinks right before he leaves.

Pick-a-Pope: The Vatican’s Selection Process of a new Leader

Pope Benedict recently announced that he’ll be stepping down from his duties, citing that his failing health is preventing him from fulfilling his papal duties. This is the first time in about 600 years that a pope has retired rather than die in office trying to burn all the sick days he’s accrued over his career.



To be fair, he really hasn't been looking good recently.

To be fair, he really hasn’t been looking good recently.





This decision has left the vatican with the task of selecting a new pope. It won’t be easy. Anybody gunning for the job has to complete a series of tasks to prove that he has what it takes. Here’s just a few criteria that is viewed in the Vatican’s Pope selecting process.



* Recite the full name, birthdate and birthplace of Jesus.

* Live in absolute opulence, preach the teachings of Jesus Christ, see nothing contradictory about that.

* Wear a 30 pound hat for 5 hours without collapsing.

* Shit in the woods.

* Re-assign 20 pedophile priests to 20 new parishes while blindfolded.

* Go to church EVERY Sunday.

* Ignore 30 gays in under a minute.

* Correctly answer all questions posed by Joan Osborne in “What if God Was One of Us?”.

* Successfully crank call the Dalai Lama.

* Cut off the head of Pope Benedict, steal his power. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE.

Once he has murdered the previous pope, they incinerate the old pope’s head in the Vatican fireplace and a white smoke comes out the chimney, signaling a new pope has been selected.

Poor Wayne LaPierre

You can’t help but feel sorry for Wayne LaPierre. He’s got a job that, at times, can be the worst job in the world.
He’s the Executive Vice President and pretty much the voice of the NRA.



Poor guy.

Poor guy.





Now you may think that he’s actually got a pretty sweet job. $970,000 annual salary. All the guns you can shoot. Free camouflage clothing. It’s not all perks, though.



Every time there’s a mass shooting, Wayne LaPierre has to go out and explain why guns aren’t to blame.



Every time! Can you imagine? Every single time somebody goes and kills a bunch of people with guns and the nation is left shocked, horrified and looking for answers the first thing that goes through this guy’s brain is “alright. How am I going to spin this?”



He has to change the reason pretty frequently, too because the public won’t swallow the same load of bullshit from him multiple times. He and his crew have to cook up new reasons every time a bunch of people are shot to death. Think about what it’s like trying to come up with a new reason mass shootings happen time after time and being forced to ignore the one thing linking every single one. My heart goes out to Mr. LaPierre.



And now yesterday former congresswoman and Gun Control activist Gabrielle Giffords struggled to eloquently voice a plea to take action to prevent more gun violence and Wayne LaPierre testifies at that same hearing saying gun control laws don’t work?



In case you forgot, the reason Gabrielle Giffords struggled to say just a few sentences is because she was shot in the fucking head. Being the victim of a mass shooting has really made gun control a priority for her but Wayne LaPierre had to look her in the face, a face that just caught a bullet two years ago and tell her she’s wrong about gun control. That has to be tough.



I gotta hand it to Wayne. I could never do what he does.

George Lucas Thankfully not Directing Next “Star Wars” Movie.

I like Star Wars.



I’m not a Star Wars nerd, but I do like Star Wars. I’ve seen the original trilogy multiple times and saw all the shitty prequels in the theater the day they were released. I own a plastic lightsaber. I read the Thrawn trilogy in high school and for an english class group project we made a film spoof of Camelot and I played Mordred in a Darth Vader mask. Also I walked around high school in this t-shirt –

I was getting so much pussy in high school that it was distracting from my studies so I threw this t-shirt on and joined marching band to give me a moment's peace.

I was getting so much pussy in high school that it was distracting from my studies so I threw this t-shirt on and joined marching band to give me a moment’s peace.



All this and I’m still not a Star Wars nerd.



Star Wars nerds have read the hundreds of Star Wars novels, comic books and guides available. They read and edit the nearly 101,000 articles on Wookiepedia, the Star Wars wiki where even the types of trees on the planet Chewbacca is from get their own six paragraph article. Those are Star Wars Nerds and I am not one of them.



I do enjoy Star Wars, however, and have an opinion on JJ Abrams directing the next film.



I’m for it.



I’m for it because I’ve enjoyed other stuff he’s directed but I’m mostly for it because he’s not George Lucas.



Want to know why the prequels sucked so bad? George Lucas wrote and directed them.



Think about it. Empire Strikes Back was written and directed by other people, Return of the Jedi was directed and co-written by different people. The two best Star Wars movies were made by people who weren’t George Lucas. Sure, he hit a home run with the first film but he came back and re-released the original trilogy 20 years later and made them all worse! He’s a madman who will go back and ruin his own good movies!



Frankly, keeping George Lucas as far as possible from the new movie is probably the best thing for it.



What’s weird is that I’ve seen a lot of people online commenting about Abrams directing it but nobody’s talking about who’s writing it. Not George Lucas.



George Lucas is being credited with writing the “characters” but the actual writing credit is going to Michael Arndt. Know what else Michael Arndt wrote? Toy Story 3 and Little Miss Sunshine.



So I’m not a Star Wars nerd and I’m sure there are Star Wars nerds out there who are furious about the new movie but I’m looking forward to seeing it.

Oh, Republicans! Volume #5,360,285

Move over, already way too overcrowded group of Republican politicians that have said horrible things in the last year, there’s a new Republican saying horrible things about rape and he’s here to defend your honor!



Georgia Rep. (they’re not always southern but they’re usually sothern) Phil Gingrey stepped up to the plate to defend Todd Akin’s awful “Legitimate Rape” comments.



In case you missed it, Todd Akin was running for Senate this summer and he said this on a news show –



“From what I understand from doctors, that’s really rare. If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down. But let’s assume that maybe that didn’t work or something. I think there should be some punishment. But the punishment ought to be of the rapist, and not attacking the child.”



Now granted, this was in Missouri so he may have actually heard that from doctors but it was wrong.



Akin lost the election just like a half dozen other Republicans who said awful things about rape over the summer. It was actually pretty disturbing to see so many people in or trying to get into political office have such backwards views but it all mercifully died down once the election was over. OR DID IT?



Rep Gingrey felt poor Akin needed to be defended so he up and told the Marietta Journal that Todd Akin wasn’t completely off with his statement. Here’s the full quote.



“In Missouri, Todd Akin … was asked by a local news source about rape and he said, “Look, in a legitimate rape situation” — what he meant by legitimate rape was just look, someone can say I was raped: a scared-to-death 15-year-old that becomes impregnated by her boyfriend and then has to tell her parents, that’s pretty tough and might on some occasion say, “Hey, I was raped.” That’s what he meant when he said legitimate rape versus non-legitimate rape. I don’t find anything so horrible about that. But then he went on and said that in a situation of rape, of a legitimate rape, a woman’s body has a way of shutting down so the pregnancy would not occur. He’s partly right on that. …
And I’ve delivered lots of babies, and I know about these things. It is true. We tell infertile couples all the time that are having trouble conceiving because of the woman not ovulating, “Just relax. Drink a glass of wine. And don’t be so tense and uptight because all that adrenaline can cause you not to ovulate.” So he was partially right wasn’t he? But the fact that a woman may have already ovulated 12 hours before she is raped, you’re not going to prevent a pregnancy there by a woman’s body shutting anything down because the horse has already left the barn, so to speak. And yet the media took that and tore it apart.




Gingrey’s comment may have a little medical know-how than Akin’s but has the same fundamental flaw. These two are basically stating that the problem isn’t rape, it’s girls “crying rape” or using rape as an excuse.



See, the only real bulletproof defense in the abortion debate the pro choice side has is the whole “in instances of rape an incest” so Republicans have taken to trying to poke holes in that by trying to introduce the idea that rape doesn’t happen as much as you’d think it would when the exact opposite is true.



Frankly, I love these guys. I can’t tell you how glad I am that people like Phil Gingrey are out there speaking out for what they believe. With people like him, the republicans can purge every woman voter from the party by 2016.

THE ALEX JONES CONSPIRACY.

Radio host, conspiracy theorist and professional mouth-foam producer Alex Jones made a lot of headlines this week when he went on Piers Morgan’s CNN show to talk about gun control. Piers asked Alex Jones why he started an online petition to have Mr. Morgan deported and Alex Jones just started yelling for like five minutes. Watch the whole thing here.



He then started yelling about a bunch of other things like “one world government” and “prescription drugs are causing all suicides and mass murders”. After getting kicked off the show for being a lunatic he retreated back to the internet where his “news websites” infowars.com and prisonplanet.com (don’t know why he has two. They have all the same articles but different layouts) declared victory in their debate and subsequently published a half dozen articles with the sole purpose of making Piers Morgan look bad via ad-hominem attacks.



Seriously, here’s an article that says Piers is “best buddies” with President Obama and then just starts talking about the innocent deaths caused by drone strikes.



So there you go. Alex Jones is just some psycho conspiracy theorist gun nut who started yelling on TV about guns because he thinks the government is coming to take them away. At least that’s what Alex Jones wants you to think



This story has gone viral. The video I shared already has over a million hits after a day and is on the front page of youtube. CNN has brought up the whole interview incident multiple times on it’s shows. infowars.com and prisonplanet.com have more than likely seen a huge spike in hits. More hits means more ad revenue. But who exactly is paying Alex Jones to advertise on his site?



infowarsgunad

gunads2



That’s right! It’s the gun industry! Alex Jones stands to make a lot more in advertising revenue if he can drive traffic to his sites via television rants and the gun companies can pay him a lot more if they’re selling more guns. What better way to kill two birds with one bullet than to use fear to get people to buy guns with a crazy rant?



What about the whole “prescription drugs are causing suicides and murders” rant? Why would he yell about that stuff? What does he have to gain?



WHAT INDEED!

WHAT INDEED!





Alex Jones is peddling herbal remedies on his website! Those are a little hard to sell because they don’t really work so what better way to sell them than to drag prescription drugs’ name through the mud?



WAKE UP SHEEPLE, ALEX JONES IS JUST AFTER YOUR WALLET. HE WON’T BE SATISFIED UNTIL HE’S BUILT AN EMPIRE OFF OF PROFITS FROM FOOD HOARDING WEBSITES AND GUIDES TO RELOCATING TO GET AWAY FROM THE NEW WORLD ORDER.



What better way to hid his conspiracy by wrapping it around other conspiracy theories? It’s the perfect conspiracy. Hiding in plain conspiracy. Conspiraception.



Don’t believe me? It’s all in my new book “The Alex Jones Conspiracy” available in hard cover on Amazon for $24.95 or you can buy it direct from our website here.



EDUCATE YOURSELVES AND BUY MY STUFF.

Are You Smarter Than The Onion?

Pop quiz, kiddos! Below is a series of quotes from Vice President Joe Biden. Your job is to find out if you can tell which ones are actual quotes and which ones are quotes from The Onion. Answers at the bottom of the page!



1: “Signing the Affordable Care Act is a big fucking deal.”

2: “I’ve sure as shit made my fair share of mistakes.”

3: “One babe caught a glimpse of those rims after a Cinderella concert in ’86 and she couldn’t get into that backseat fast enough.”

4: “If you need any help on your pecs, let me know.”

5: “Spread your legs! You’re gonna be frisked!”

6: “Relaxation of Wall Street regulations will put y’all back in chains!”

7: I’ve been dying to hit Tijuana and check out a donkey show, I haven’t seen one since Teddy [Kennedy] and the guys took me down there when I was a freshman senator.”


Answers:
1: Real
2: Onion
3: Onion
4: Real
5: Real
6: Real
7: Both, actually. Huh.

Broccoli Makes You Retarded?

Oh, google autocomplete. You’ve done it again!



Last night I was talking about farts, as I often do. I was telling my stepson about how beans aren’t the only food that can make people fart and, in fact, broccoli is actually more potent in that task. He then looked at me like I was crazy. The kid didn’t know that broccoli makes you fart and didn’t believe me when I said it does.



That’s fine. I have the internet. A mere 15 years ago I’d have to dust off an encyclopedia or eat a bunch of broccoli and wait an hour but today I can just google it. In fact, I was so confident that I told him that it’d probably be the first autocomplete response when I typed in “broccoli makes”.



Turns out it was the second answer. The first? Well…



Uh...

Uh…





Great. As if we didn’t have a hard enough time already getting the kid to eat his vegetables.



This is the first I’ve ever heard of it but enough people have searched for it online that it’s the first autocomplete response when anybody types “broccoli makes”. Holy shit.



Okay. After seeing this I had to look into it. Most of the links on the first page were just to yahoo answers and cha cha pages of people asking the question and getting answers like “no dummy their full uv vitamins that maek yer brain healthy lol”.



Shit.  There might be something to this.

Shit. There might be something to this.





Wikipedia had nothing on the subject at all. In fact, the only website I could find that supported the claim was reposting Cracked articles and seemingly not crediting the author, it lets Wiz’ fans know about all the latest stuff going on in Current Biology magazine. Seriously. There’s a whole entry talking about how our bitter taste bud receptors were made to warn off things like broccoli cuz it can make you all Sling Blade.



Now, normally I’d trust the scientific reporting of a meme aggregation service owned by a rapper who says he spends $10,000 on weed a month but I thought I’d take a look to see if there was an actual article since Planet Khalifa wasn’t kind enough to link it’s sources.



Turns out there totally is an article about the stuff. Now, the article itself is way over my head and I had a hard time discerning if they were actually saying that broccoli can cause disabilities or if Planet Khalifa was taking what they reported out of context but I’ll just trust Wiz and never eat broccoli again. Or any vegetable, for that matter.



Might as well steer clear of fruits while I’m at it.

Something About This Whole Gun Debate we can all Agree on.

Last week’s tragedy in Sandy Hook has kicked up a lot of dust. The way the news rushed to get info out to the public caused a bunch of errors and unsubstantiated rumors. Fox News has pulled out the old Red Herring of violent video games to kick around. And, of course, the whole gun control debate has come to the forefront. Everybody from high level politicians to half of my goddamned friends list on facebook have been out there demanding that guns should either be banned or given to teachers to prevent this from happening in the future.



I have my opinions about gun control. I haven’t really talked about it on social media because I’m not about to change any minds but of course I have my opinions on guns. Sure, I could post on facebook about how the “deer rifle” this guy used seems to be designed to take out a platoon of genetically engineered armored cyborg deer with flame spewing antlers. I could tweet about how a small part of me wishes that the government would instate martial law just to see you gun nuts try to fight back against the might of the world’s most well funded military with your precious fucking firearms but I’d be doing nothing more than pissing off people who disagree with me. Also that would be way too long for a tweet.



I don’t fault people for reacting strongly, though. Things like last week’s massacre are hard to process and bring out a lot of strong emotions in people. There’s bound to be some harsh words and irrational responses. No matter what your opinion on gun control and however you’re feeling about this whole incident, though, there’s one thing that everybody in this country can agree on. These are the dumbest fucking parents in the world.



For those of you who don’t want to click the link, that right there is a story about an 11 year old who brought a gun to school. The gun was allegedly given to him by his parents for protection in the wake of the Sandy Hook massacre. The kid pulled the gun in recess and put it to a friend’s head and threatened to fucking kill her if she tattled. Thankfully, the gun wasn’t loaded considering there are roughly 650 accidental gun deaths and over 15,000 accidental shooting injuries a year.



Whatever. I think we can all agree that these parents should not be in charge of kids. Even the biggest gun nut wouldn’t think that the solution for the gun control debate is “give kids guns”. Nobody ever thinks “give kids guns” is the correct answer for anything ever except maybe to the question of “how do you be the worst parent ever?”



More proof that these are shitty parents is they raised a kid who accepted the gun and took it to school. Remember. This kid is 11. That’s 6th, maybe 5th grade. This kid should know not to take a gun to school. Just to check I asked my 12 year old stepson what he would do if, after hearing about the Sandy Hook shooting, I gave him a gun to take to school for protection. He said he wouldn’t have accepted it. Smart kid.



So thank you, worst parents ever. In a time where our nation is fiercely divided you bring us all together in agreement that you’re incredibly fucking horrible at being parents.

Penn State Taking Baby Steps to Being Less Awful.

CNN posted a story about Penn State’s Chi Omega sorority posting a picture on tumblr that’s… well, here it is.



Yeah...

Yeah…





So yeah. That’s pretty racist. The photo was taken at a mexican themed party at the sorority and a lot of people are very offended and Penn State is currently investigating the sorority but I think it’s really important to remember that this is Penn State we’re talking about. At least a bunch of kids didn’t get raped in this scandal.



Don’t get me wrong. I think it’s pretty bad that the Chi Omegas would think it’s funny to reduce latino culture to a bunch of sombrero wearing, mustachioed landscapers and it’s baffling that they would think it would be okay to post the picture online but take a look at that picture again. How many kids are getting raped in the picture? Zero. That’s a real step in the right direction for Penn State.



Not to mention it only took a week after this picture was posted for the shit to hit the fan. Why, I remember a time where it would take well over a decade of something bad happening at Penn State before anybody would know about it. Penn State has really taken great strides in being open about their horrible culture.



Racism is bad. I’m not trying to debate that. I’m just saying we should be thankful that all they did was make fun of Mexicans and not rape a bunch of them and try to cover it up for years and years.



Hopefully, the girls of Chi Omega have learned to be a little more respectful and understanding of different cultures and hopefully the scandals of Penn State become less severe as time goes on. If we’re lucky maybe we’ll hear about some illegal gambling going on at Penn State a year from now. As long as they’re not enabling a serial pedophile.