Pretty Girls in Trouble

Posted on May 6, 2013 by Bill

I haven’t followed this Jodi Arias trial at all.

I’m not trying to sound superior or anything when I say that. My favorite forms of entertainment are cartoons, kung fu movies and anything zombie related so I can’t really pass judgment on what other people watch. True crime drama just doesn’t do it for me. That’s all.

Thankfully, cnn.com has posted an article for people like me who have missed the nonstop, 24 hour, meticulous, all encompassing coverage of the trial. Just like every other trial by media in the last few years, it’s pretty much come to the conclusion that she’s guilty while trying vainly to seem unbiased. Also, like every trial by media in the last few years, it’s involved a pretty white girl –

Damn. I’d let her stab me 27 times and shove me in a shower stall IFYOUKNOWWHATI’MSAYIN!

Before Jodi Arias it was Casey Anthony –

I’d let her drown me in a swimming pool IFYOUKNOWWHATI’MSAYING

Before that (and I guess it’s in the news again for some reason) was the Amanda Knox trial –

I’d let her stab me in the throat in my apartment in Italy IFYOUKNOWWHATI’MSAYIN!

Think about it. Would everybody care nearly as much if these girls weren’t seriously hot? I think this country just likes seeing a pretty white girl get raked through the coals every once in a while. Don’t get me wrong, the crimes they’re accused of are really fucked up and, at least for Knox and Arias, there’s a bunch of weird sexual intrigue going on but there’s plenty of weird sex crimes going on all the time in this country and we don’t look at them twice. For example –

Dawn Peel awoke her boyfriend with a kiss one late night in October and asked him “do you love me?” He said “yes” and then she started sawing at his throat with a fucking chef’s knife. She apparently thought he was cheating on her and was living up to an earlier promise to get revenge on him in his sleep.

This story didn’t make it past a couple city pages articles though. Was it because the victim survived the attack or was it because she looked like this –

She doesn’t look that bad for 50, I just doubt she’s going to get any offers from Vivid once she gets out of prison.

Union Free Twinkies

Posted on April 30, 2013 by Bill

Okay, guys. I know that Jason Collins came out of the closet and that’s groundbreaking and a huge deal but we need to talk about something important. Snack cakes.

It seems as if Hostess will be hitting the shelves again pretty soon. I found out from this image that’s been floating around facebook the last couple of days –

from the facebook post: “Twinkies are back! (At least they will be by July.) Two companies have purchased the Hostess assets and will reopen four plants and hire 1,500 workers – and all of this will be done union free!! LIKE if you will buy a union free Twinkie to celebrate!”

This little gem came from the facebook group ForAmerica, the offical page of foramerica.org. foramerica.org is a nonprofit started by conservative pundit L. Brent Bozell III to serve the dual purpose of trying to repeal Obamacare via the use of memes –

*the viewpoints of foramerica.org do not necessarily reflect those of Tardar Sauce, aka Grumpy Cat.

and sucking the GOP’s dick through creepy fanfic –

This could totally be the beginning of a Republican porno. “Trickle Down Her Back”

Also their website has a freedom meter. I don’t even know what that’s about –

maybe it’s like a scientology e-meter. You grab onto a couple of metal rods and somebody asks you a bunch of questions about eagles and fireworks or something.

Whatever. I’m not going to try to explain to them why unions didn’t cause the collapse of Hostess to these douchebags. Plenty of people have tried on the comment thread of the pic and failed. I will, however, say this. I don’t care that Hostess is coming back.

Turns out America didn’t collapse with the absence of Hostess. Sure, Batman had to work a little harder to get away from mummies but other than that I think we did alright as a country in the last few months –

Batman’s been slipping ever since he found out he can bribe most villains with sweets.

So sorry, ForAmerica. I think I’ll pass on the union free twinkies. I’m trying to cut back on sweets and bullshit union demonizing. Besides. If I really want some packed with chemicals and lard sponge cake Little Debbie has been my dealer since Hostess closed anyway.

OK so they’re not union either but all employees are shareholders and Swiss Cake Rolls are better than Ho Hos anyway.

Wait… Gay Marriage Wasn’t Already Mandatory in France?

Posted on April 24, 2013 by Bill

Here’s a thing I just found out that really surprised me. Gay marriage was just legalized in France this week. What surprised me about it was not the fact that the gay marriage bill passed but that it was really fiercely debated. There were protests, riots, police and tear gas. Shit was crazy –

Sacre Bleu! Photo credit: Philippe Wojazer / Reuters

I can’t believe there was such fierce opposition to gay marriage in France because… well… it’s France.

This is fucking France we’re talking about. It’s the San Francisco of Europe. This is the country that’s known for wine, mimes and sexual permissiveness. Their biggest exports are turtlenecks and pencil thin mustaches. How could France not be in full support of gay marriage? It’s France! Their capital city is known as gay Paris! Even the people protesting gay rights there look super gay while they’re doing it!

I checked three times. This is an ANTI gay protest. Photo credit: Kenzo/AFP/Getty Images

This is the country that brought us the goddamn beret and they’re protesting gay marriage?

Protests or no, France’s gay citizens, which until recently I thought was all of them, can now enjoy the same rights as heterosexuals.

BIEBERWATCH 2013: AMSTERDAM

Posted on April 15, 2013 by Bill

Ok, I know Monday is usually my New Year’s resolution update time but YOU GUYS WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT JUSTIN BIEBER.

Normally I wouldn’t give a shit about Justin Bieber. Teenage girls obsessively love him, the internet obsessively hates him, I couldn’t care less about him. I just don’t listen to his music. I don’t see what’s the big deal about him. Teenage girls have liked shitty musicians with stupid hair long before I was a kid, he just seems like the latest in a long line of teen idols.

This time, though. He just did something so stupid and obnoxious that it’s really hard to ignore. This time, Justin Bieber –

this guy

Went to the Anne Frank House –

this place

and actually wrote something in the guestbook –

Probably didn’t need an image for guestbook but whatever.

What he wrote was Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a belieber.

Bielebers are what fans of Justin’s music call themselves, in case you were unaware.

So basically, this guy’s wandering around the hiding place of the young girl who unintentionally became one of the most famous writers in history simply by documenting her family’s time struggling against Nazi oppression and he’s thinking “I wonder if she would have liked my music?”

Hey, Justin Bieber! Do you have any comments on the death of Margaret Thatcher?

“Well, I’m not sure what her job was but she didn’t come to any of my UK concerts so I hope the bitch burns in hell.”

What about political strife surrounding the elections in Venezuela?

“I had a really good show there once. I don’t see what the problem is.”

It’s really hard to not see him as some kind of sociopath after hearing about this. The worst part is that if Anne Frank were a teenager in 2013? Yeah, she’d probably be a fan of his music.

Fuck it. Let’s Just Give Everybody all The Guns.

Posted on April 11, 2013 by Bill

I have an idea.

See, as this whole gun control debate rages in congress, each side seems unwilling to back down from their position like every goddamn issue in American politics ever. Personally, I’m in favor of stricter gun regulation. At the very least expanded background checks.

I’m aware that there are many reasons for being pro-gun. This is a very complicated, nuanced issue and you can’t just boil it down to “people want more guns because ______!” Everybody has their reasons, some hold more validity than others and some more personal than others.

I think, however, that a lot of people don’t truly understand the ease of killing that a gun provides. Probably not a majority, but more than you’d think. They get that guns can kill but don’t fully absorb the fact that it’s just a flick of the finger. Flick – dead. The slightest accident, the one time you don’t follow all the safety precautions can lead to somebody accidentally not being alive anymore. One slight overreaction, one lapse in judgment or temper flare up is now a 2nd degree murder. It can happen to anybody. It has happened to a lot of people. One time it almost happened to me.

Every year from when I was 12 to 18 I would go pheasant hunting with my dad, brother and a few other people (uncles, friends of his, etc). We were never really big outdoorsmen but one time he thought it’d be fun to try hunting, pheasants seemed like a good place to start and we had fun so it just sort of kept doing it and turned it into a tradition. I’ve even gone a few times as an adult to South Dakota or southern MN and always had fun. One of the first times I went out, though, I almost accidentally shot my dad.

It was somewhere in southern MN late in the season. My dad and I had gone with a couple of his work buddies and we had split into groups of two. I was far from experienced but this wasn’t my first time out and I had undergone the MN firearm safety course. In it, they repeat over and over again that you are never to point a firearm at another person or yourself and to always treat a gun as it’s loaded. Treat it like it’s loaded even if you know for a fact that it’s not. Following this creates good habits until keeping the barrel away from a person just becomes a subconscious thing you do. I followed this to the letter, knowing boomstick=dangerous but as we were walking through a soybean field and I got a little bored trying to scare up a pheasant (late in the season you have to practically kick one in the ass to get it to fly) I cradled the gun with the barrel pointing towards the ground as my dad walked in front of me.

The gun wasn’t pointed at him but he was close enough to my line of fire that I should have just had the barrel over my shoulder or off to the side. I tripped over a rock, stumbled and jerked the gun hard enough that the gun fired without me even touching the trigger. The pellets hit the ground, ricocheted off and a cloud of dust hit the back of my dad’s jeans. He wasn’t hurt. It was a .410 with birdshot and the soft, plowed farmland absorbed a lot of the pellets’ velocity but we were both really shook up. Just a slight jerk upwards and he’d have been in the hospital or worse. I profusely apologized and he assured me that it was an accident and he was fine but maybe we should take the gun safety a little more seriously in the future. I’ve gone hunting and shooting at the range plenty of times since and every time I’ve made sure I was following every single minute rule that was taught in the gun safety course.

This is why I think we should give everybody guns.

I truly believe that if you want tighter gun regulation, we should issue a firearm and permit to carry anywhere to every single person in the country over the age of 12 (that’s when I got my first gun). Let this country just turn into a giant standoff. Give people an idea of what it’s like to actually be responsible for that kind of power. Let this go on for a few months and see what public opinion of guns is like after that. After people have actually had a chance to get to know them.

You walk into a grocery store and you know that everybody is packing some sort of heat. Go to the movies and know that every single person in there with you has some sort of loaded gun. Your kid’s school play? Every parent in the auditorium and teacher backstage has a cannon at the ready. I’m sure it would make for a much more polite society.

After a few months we’ll have congress put it to a vote. Is this how we still want it? Now that everybody’s had a chance to really get to know guns, how much do we want them to be a part of our lives? I’m sure that some people would love the 1 person = 1 gun thing even after the trial period but I think we might end up with tighter gun regulation.

Just a thought.

Snow in April.

Posted on April 10, 2013 by Bill

This is really, really shitty. There’s a winter storm that doesn’t know it’s fucking spring dumping snow all over the country. Here in MN we got an inch or so last night and are supposed to get 3-5 more tonight. After a long winter that had a lot of punishing snowstorms, this last storm is just rubbing salt on the wound. We’re getting so worn down by the long winter that Canada will take the opportunity to Annex us any day now –

It’s bad enough I have to drive around in this and shovel it off my sidewalk. The worst part of all of this is that it’s all my fault.

It’s my fault that we’re getting this blizzard. I’m so sorry. See, about a month ago I did a post about getting towed during snow emergency that included bragging about not getting towed once this year and a lot of people read it because I used a lot of colorful language to describe history’s greatest villain, the tow truck driver.

Now, I’m not saying a tow truck driver read the article because, as we all know, they’re all illiterate. I could imagine a tow truck driver being told about the post by their meth dealer or hooker or something. Once one found out they spread the word and pretty soon every tow truck driver knew I was out there just bragging that I had escaped their wrath.

This wouldn’t stand with them. Nobody escapes the wrath of the tow truck driver.

Gathering in the parking lot of a shitty strip club. The tow truck drivers used their gypsy-like magic powers to summon a powerful weather system to blanket the earth with snow until I finally would slip up and get towed for snow emergency.

I’m not going to let that happen. I’m sorry so many people had to get pulled into this but I refuse to let my car get towed for snow emergency. Let them bring the snow until June.

What’s Really Going on With North Korea?

Posted on April 4, 2013 by Bill

Guys, we really need to talk about how North Korea’s been acting up lately.

I know it can be really easy to poke fun at North Korea. It’s a third world hermit kingdom run by a pudgy 3rd generation madman and the only media they have is hilarious propoganda. I know. I’ve made fun of the DPRK plenty of times myself and they usually just shrug it off but this time it’s different.

Kim Jong Un and top North Korean officials are threatening to launch nukes at pretty much everybody around them. Sure, you expect that sort of bluster on the KCNA news site but it’s actually being reported on real news sites. Have we finally pushed them too far? Has Kim Jong Un finally snapped after seeing all the photoshopped pictures of him with twinkies?

heh. lookit him…

That can’t be it. Internet in North Korea doesn’t support images.

I think I know what the problem is, here. It’s that writer Neil Gaiman is currently beating Kim Jong Un in the Time top 100 poll, isn’t it?

…maybe

Recently Neil Gaiman tweeted “If you are bored please vote for me in the @TIME top 100 list & keep me ahead of Kim Jong Un” and his followers have responded in force, pushing him ahead of Kim Jong Un.

Now I get it. It’s one thing to be mocked as a failing dictator but at least you’re recognized. I couldn’t tell you the name of the Prime Minister of Australia is or who’s the chief bartender of Ireland but everybody know’s who Kim Jong Un is. It’s influential. He doesn’t have much but he knows he’s influential. It’s a pride thing.

All of the sudden this Neil Gaiman guy comes in and decides to rain on Kim Jong Un’s parade? Well, I don’t know about you but if I was a crazy dictator I’d start threatening to nuke people, too.

I really think Mr. Gaiman should back off and apologize. If this bullying doesn’t stop North Korea might do something drastic like launch a missile that will fly for like 200 feet and then just sputter out and fall apart.

The Condom of the Future!

Posted on March 26, 2013 by Bill

Bill Gates, just like every other man on the face of the earth, doesn’t like condoms.

He understands that they’re currently the most effective defense against STDs and unwanted pregnancies but just like every man who has ever worn one during sex, he’s not a fan of them.

Unlike every other man on earth, though, Bill Gates has the money to solve this problem. That’s why he’s offering one million dollars to the person who can invent a better condom.

I’m in. I got all kinds of condom ideas. Here’s just three of them.

1: ADAMANTIUM CONDOM.
One of the biggest problems with condoms is that they can break during use. The solution? Make them out of the same shit they used to make Wolverine’s bones.

Ain’t no sperm or HIV virus gettin’ through here, bub.

Granted, this would incredibly decrease sensation and also adamantium isn’t a real thing let’s check out option 2-

2: TWO PERSON FULL ENVIRONMENT CONDOM
To increase pleasure, increase the condom’s size so it completely wraps around both individuals. Include a full, self-sustaining environment so the sexual partners can live inside the condom for years at a time –

not pictured: 2 people inside the condom totally getting it on.

This will be 100% effective against STDs but not very effective against pregnancy. I guess you can just pull out or get an abortion or whatever.

3: CONDOM 2.0
Rather than try to build a new condom from the ground up, let’s see what we can do by making a few tweaks to the existing model –

The lasers allow for pinpoint accuracy while penetrating the orifice of your target. The tailfin will increase traction when you’re going fast and the flames just look badass. 10 years from now everybody will be wearing this condom.

You can make the check out to Bill Young, Mr. Gates.

The Voices of the Marriage Debate in MN.

Posted on March 13, 2013 by Bill

Yesterday a bill to legalize passed both state house and senate committees and will be put to a full vote shortly. Many people from both sides of the argument provided passionate, heartfelt testimonies both for and against the bill. Here’s one of former legislator Lynn Osterman speaking in favor of the bill –

There you have it. A conservative, a republican, admitting that she voted against her conscience for “political expedience”. Tears welling and voice cracking as she begs those sitting where she sat to not make the same mistake she did. Explaining that her Christian values and conservative views have never made her feel like she has to treat other people’s love as something less than hers. Her words perfectly encapsulate why equality is so important.

Of course, there are two sides to every story. Let’s see one of the most popular testimonies arguing against the marriage bill –

Really powerful stuff here, too. Don’t get me wrong, Osterman’s testimony had a lot of passion behind it but this guy has science on his side. I never knew that AIDS was just spontaneously created by prolonged anal sex or that legalizing gay marriage would increase the amount of gay sex happening. I also didn’t know people with AIDS, a disease we now know is made when sperm is entered into the bloodstream, can turn regular diseases into supergerms that can be passed onto other people and make rashes that can only be cured with a $2,400 antibiotic! This isn’t even a religious motivation or plain ol’ homophobia, he’s just concerned about the well being of the public and rising health care costs!

Now, I haven’t bothered looking up the validity of his claims but he did say some pretty scientific words like “enzyme” so he probably knows what he’s talking about.

I have to admit. They both make some pretty compelling arguments. I’m not sure how I’d vote for this if I was a legislator. This is a tough one.

Hugo Chavez, Freedom Fighter / Cruel Dictator, Dead at 58.

Posted on March 6, 2013 by Bill

Hugo Chavez, the man who either looted his own country to push a socialist agenda or created a socialist paradise for his people died yesterday after a two year long battle with cancer.

The controversial figure was either freely elected president of Venezuela three times or had brainwashed the people through systematically removing political opponents and tightly controlling all media in his country.

President Chavez either waving to some people or giving the “Heil Hitler” salute.

The larger-than-life figure was widely known for using the country’s vast oil wealth to either improve the lives of the poorest in Venezuela with education and health care or propping up communist dictatorship Cuba through oil subsidies.

As president, he has either been lauded as a champion for human rights of indigenous people in his country or lambasted as an antisemite who has halved the jewish population in Venezuela since he entered office through antisemetic policies in the government and media.

The streets of Venezuela will be flooded this week as people will either mourn or celebrate the passing of President Chavez.

Chavez’s vice president will take over the president’s duties in the short term until an election can be held that will either be free and fair or just a show for the international community while they place his handpicked successor into power.

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