Tag Archives: news

Fox News… I don’t… Jesus Christ, Fox News… Goddamnit.

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I’ll usually check out the front page of all the major news sites every morning. I’d love to say that it’s because I like to stay informed on what’s going on in the world but really I’m just looking for stories to make fun of for the blog. I’ll start with CNN, go on to MSNBC and then Fox News.



I know Fox can be biased but they’re still a news organization and a lot of their web content is just slightly aggregated AP and Reuters stuff. Most of their heavily biased stuff is saved for their horrifying Fox Nation page anyway. You wouldn’t expect to see their most biased stuff on the front page, right?



Wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. Fucking wrong.



The headline fucking piece on foxnews.com today is a bullshit non-story about how the white house added links to the end of presidential biographies. So, after a president’s bio on the white house website they added a new section called “Did you know?” Here’s the one for BushII –



Did you know?

In 2002, President George W. Bush’s State of the Union was the first to be live broadcast on the Internet. In 2011 and 2012, President Obama’s State of the Union speeches were available in an enhanced live stream version that featured infographics, charts and data side-by-side in real time with the President’s speech.
In 2009, former President Bush partnered with 42nd President Clinton to help rebuild Haiti, after the country was devastated by an earthquake.



Okay, a slightly political but incredibly benign move. Here’s that story with a little Fox News sprinkled on it.



Goddamnit.





Click the link to the article page and the headline reads “White House under fire for adding Obama policy plugs to past presidents’ bios”. Read the article and you find out who he’s under fire from. Bloggers. There’s a tumblr set up to make fun of him. No other news organization has reported on this and no other politician has questioned his motives. It’s nothing and they’re pretty much lying about it. To read the headline and see the picture you’d think he was altering FDR’s bio to say Obama helped win WW2.



Well of course Fox News pulls this incredibly partisan bullshit but we all know that’s how they play. Who takes everything Fox News says at face value?



PEOPLE WHO READ FOXNEWS.COM DO. THEY’RE FUCKING IDIOTS.



This was honestly the first comment I saw when I read the article.



cobrajet69 0 minutes ago
This just shows that Obama is Mentally ill, cut & pasting his picture with people he didn’t even know……this is not normal behavior



You know he didn’t… that was actually Fox News who… which they shouldn’t even have done in… forget it.


Don’t even bother trying to read the other comments. If these people bash Obama when the article has nothing to do with him you can only imagine what they say when an article outright attacks him. I saw the term “porch monkey” in no less than five comments and one guy called him “GAYBAMA”.


Goddamnit, Fox News.

I Don’t Think I’m Mom Enough.

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So here’s the Time magazine cover that’s got everybody’s panties in a bunch this week –







Okay. All the news articles I’ve read about it say that the kid on the cover is three years old but he easily could pass for five. I don’t know if his mom is taking growth hormones to increase milk production or what but that is one huge three year old.



The article is about “attachment parenting” (the link goes to the AP wiki page. I’d link the Time article but stupid Time magazine wants you to pay to read their stuff). A form of parenting that supposedly fosters better bonds between parents and kids. This includes carrying them around in a sling, sleeping in the same bed as them, stay-at-home parenting and not getting babysitters and breastfeeding when the kid is old enough to unhook his mom’s bra one handed.



You can almost hear a collective sigh of relief from all those parents who make their kids wear helmets at the playground because they’re no longer considered the craziest parents on the block.



Whatever. I’m not going to tell people how to raise their kids but it’s certainly not how I’d go about doing things. In fact, it sounds like a recipe for raising a kid to go all Norman Bates on you. Just look at him –



Stop looking at the hot mom for a second and tell me that kid doesn’t look creepy.





It’s like he’s looking at you just daringyou to take him off that tit. Think about it. He probably asks his mom for food in full sentences. “Mom, can you please lift up your shirt? I’m hungry.”



I’m not sure what the acceptable cutoff age is for breastfeeding but I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to have vivid memories of sucking on your mom’s tit as a child.

I Am So Glad I’m Straight.

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You know what’s awesome? Being heterosexual.



I think one of the best things about being straight is that nobody gives me a hard time for it. Not once in my life has anybody made fun of me for my sexual attraction to women. Nobody hates me because I’m straight. A bunch of drunken hillbilly homosexuals have never beat the shit out of me because they hate straight people. Nobody’s ever belittled me because they’re afraid they might be straight and they can’t deal with that. It’s awesome.



What’s even better about it is that the law is totally on my side. I have never been denied a single right because of the gender of people I like to bang. It’s really awesome! I even married somebody and there’s a bunch of laws set up to give me even more rights and protections because I’m married!



I’m glad those laws are set up, too. I love the woman I married and want to spend the rest of my life with her but that totally isn’t necessary for a marriage to happen. I could hate her guts, never touch her and openly plan to divorce her like two months after the wedding and they’d still let us get married.



It’s not even a religious thing. I could literally wipe my ass with a bible during the wedding ceremony but the state would still file the marriage certificate because we’re a man and a woman.



Anyway, I’m glad those laws are set up. I love my wife and I shudder to think of a world where the government wouldn’t allow me to get married to her. Seriously. Not once during the planning of our wedding did I think “what if we can’t?”. Ugh. That’d be terrible.



We spent a year engaged and nobody ever said we shouldn’t get married because we’re straight. That would have been awful, especially if it was the government saying it.



If the government told me that I couldn’t marry the person I loved, if they told me that I’d never be able to marry the person I loved, I would seriously have no faith or trust in my government. If the people of my state voted on whether or not I get to marry the person I love and they voted that I didn’t, I’d feel like a pariah in my own city.



Whelp, good thing I’m straight and don’t have to worry about any of that bullshit. Can you imagine?



Seriously, though. Fuck you, North Carolina. Fuck your state government, fuck your voters, fuck Governor Bev Perdue and fuck your state bird, The Cardinal.

Minneapolis Cops Accused of Baffling “Drugs for Nothing” Program.

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Holy shit. City Pages just put up a story about how Minneapolis cops are supposedly cruising Occupy protests to find people who are high and take them to a facility to take part in an impairment study. Allegedly, if the cops can’t find anybody who is high, they’ll get them high and sometimes even stop at a McDonald’s drive through and get them a McDouble for their trouble. The article even said they took one person who was kind of high already and got him really high before taking him to the study.


It’s no secret that I’m afraid of cops and spending a night in jail did nothing to alleviate my fears but now I have to worry about cops getting kids high?



Great. I knew we were going to have to do the “drug talk” with my stepson sooner or later but now we’ll have to amend it completely. Here we go –



Jared. You’re going to be 12 in just a couple of months and as you get older you’re going to have to make new decisions. Your parents, stepmom and I aren’t going to be around you 100% of the time so we’re trusting you to use good judgement and common sense.

I don’t need to tell you that “drugs are bad”. You’ve heard plenty about the dangers of drugs in school and you’re a smart kid but you need to realize that hearing about it in a classroom is very different from dealing with the situation in real life. I just want you to know that if a police officer tries to give you drugs you need to say “no” and get away from them as fast as possible.

If a cop ever offers you drugs you need to get away and tell somebody. Find a trusted adult like… shit. Cops used to be the “go to” people when thinking of trusted adults. I guess we don’t really have that option anymore. Go and find a… priest? No. Not a priest (at least not a Catholic one). Uh… how about a fireman? Go and find a fireman or something and tell them what happened.

It may not be easy. You may feel pressured into doing the drugs the cops are trying to give you because they’re in a position of authority and you’ve been told since you were a toddler that the police are here to protect you. They also carry loaded firearms so that kind of ups the intimidation factor.

It doesn’t matter. You have a bright future ahead of you and you don’t need to ruin it just because some police officer needs to meet some quota for a drug study.

DARE to resist drugs from cops.

The Six Fakest Cracked Article Names I Could Come up With

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Going through the “downloads” folder of the images on my computer and realizing I had over a dozen pictures of republican presidential candidates stored up made me realize that I may be focusing a bit too much on the political side of things lately. Sure, it’s easy and it gets eyeballs on the website but I’m really not a political comedian and this is supposed to be a comedy blog. Let’s get back to the business of writing straight up comedy.


Now while writing for this blog is certainly fun for me there’s no money in it. I know there’s usually an ad at the bottom but I don’t see a penny from those (it all goes to wordpress) and my talks with Rush Limbaugh’s people about sponsoring his line of iced tea on the site are going nowhere.


Yes. It's a real thing. Yes, it's called "Two if by Tea" and yes that's Rush dressed as Paul Revere.




There is money to be had for writing comedy on the internet though. I’m a big fan of cracked.com


I really only put a pic of the logo on here so it'll show up on the link when I post this on facebook.




and while Cracked has it’s own staff and columnists, a lot of their content is generated by user submissions. Read enough and you’ll see that the submissions that get picked all follow a pretty specific pattern. That pattern is

1) Numbered lists.
2) Something do do with either science or history.
3) Make it sound cool, sexy or badass.


With that in mind, here’s the titles of some of the Cracked articles I’m working on to submit at the moment.


The 5 Most Unusually Sexual Zeppelin Disasters in History
Oh, the eroticism!

7 Scientific Discoveries That Were Predicted by Hanna-Barbera Cartoons
Jabberjaw was a modern day Nostrodamus.

The 6 Most Badass Toddlers in History
These tiny tykes could kick the shit out of you and still have time for an afternoon nap.

4 Ways Science Has Proven That Bears are Smarter Than Most People
Can YOU catch a fish with your teeth?

5 Famous Video Game Characters Based on U.S. Presidents
That’s actually Teddy Roosevelt under Master Chief’s Helmet.

The 7 Most Sexy Science Badass History Lists
Badass science and sexy history!


Don’t get me wrong. I read Cracked all the time and I’d write for them in a heartbeat. I just think it’s fun to come up with fake Cracked article titles. In fact, leave a comment with your best fake Cracked article headline and I will pick one winner and make a full article about your headline to post in the blog (Disclaimer: I get to change the number if it’s a fact based headline or if you’re a dick and use some number like 5,000)!

Ugh. Mitt Romney.

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Well, according to MSNBC, Mitt Romney is pretty much assuming he’s got the primary in the bag and unless there’s some big upset from Santorum, Romney does have the primary in the bag. Looks like it’s going to be Romney vs. Obama for the general election and I’m not pleased.


Half the shit I do on this blog is political and I have to say during the primaries, I’ve really had fun ripping on Santorum and Gingrich but that’s because their crazy has personality and flair! Look at what the other guys are bringing to the table –


Santorum
* thinks sperm are people
* thinks women are things
* thinks gays are demons
* think’s Obama’s a nig – uh
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NeaA8nkiWdk&w=420&h=315]


Gingrich
* Cheated on his first wife. Divorced her when she had cancer and married his mistress.
* Cheated on second wife. Divorced her and married The Joker.

She looks like a harlequin baby all growed up (go ahead and google image search "harlequin baby". I dare you).


* Tried to get Clinton impeached for cheating
* Probably cheating on his wife right now as you read this.


Ron Paul
*Wild Card! Is he racist? Is he crazy? Nobody knows the true story because nobody takes him seriously enough to actually do some serious investigation on him.

I know he likes biking. That's all I got on him for sure.




Look at that! A tree full of low hanging fruit for a lazy comedian like myself to pick at my lesiure but what am I stuck with? Mitt Romney. What’s he got going for him?

* He’s out of touch because he’s a super rich guy (but I already covered that).
* He’s Mormon and that’s weird but nobody seems to want to talk about that.


In a perfect world it’d be Michele Bachmann running against Obama but here I am stuck with dumb ol’ Romney. I might as well go back to writing my vampire detective novel.

Ugh. Even his picture on wikipedia is boring.

I Have Created a New Game.

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The game is to see how many comments in a foxnews.com article that has nothing to do with President Obama do you need to read before somebody says something bad about President Obama. I call it “how many comments in a foxnews.com article that has nothing to do with President Obama do you need to read before somebody says something bad about President Obama”.


The name needs some work, I’ll admit. Let’s play!


Article: Mega Millions Sales Soar With $540M Jackpot.

Comments read before Obama’s bashed: 22 (all comments are read from top down (most recent).

Comment: With “0” in power some of you have 401ks, gold, silver, classic cars and rich relatives. The rest of us have the lottery!!

Relevence to original article: Somewhat.

Relevance to Obama’s policies: Uhh… I don’t know. Personally, my stock of gold, silver, classic cars and rich relatives hasn’t surged since Obama was sworn in so… what?


Article: Mastercard Warns of Possible Security Breach.

Comments read before Obama’s bashed: 8

Comment: looks like Obama’s buddies are getting campaign $$… ha ha

Relevance to original article: Sorta? I guess he’s saying Obama’s campaign contributors are committing the credit card because… they’re liberal?

Relevance to Obama’s policies: None, unless Obama signed a law saying credit card fraud is legal? Ugh.


Article: Alabama Nightclub Starts “Food Stamp Friday” Promotion.

Comments read before Obama’s bashed: 14 (I really thought it would be fewer. There were plenty of comments bashing liberals and one referring to black people as “koons” but 14 before Obama was mentioned)

Comment: oh well…… I guess I’ll try one of those “Obama Bombers…” with cheese!

Relevance to article: Eh. I guess he was saying that would be one of the menu options available with food stamps?

Relevance to Obama’s policies: Well, Obama created food stamps so…


Article: California Woman Blames McDonald’s For Forcing Her Into Prostitution

Comments read before Obama’s bashed: 1! This was the 2nd comment! A new record!

Comment: am confident this woman will find many California lawyers who are bigger w h o r e s than she is.
Maybe a call from the White House, and a complimentary hoodie will help her out,

Bonus Comment!: (checked back in the comments section 2 minutes later and this one was posted) This lady(?) has to be a liberal. They never do anything wrong. It’s always the fault of someone else. Right out of oinkbama’s playbook.

Relevance to article: Okay, pretty relevant. They’re both saying she’s suing McDonald’s because she’s liberal.

Relevance to Obama’s policies: Fucking zero. I love how the first comment even threw in the “hoodie” line referencing the Trayvon Martin case.


Stay classy, fox news comment section!

so fair and balanced.

Five More Lies Republicans Tell About Women’s Bodies

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HuP (short for HuffPo, short for Huffington Post) Huffingtonposted an article yesterday entitled “9 Lies Republicans Tell About Women’s Bodies”. The article shows 9 myths that have sprung up rather recently in the GOP’s war on vaginas. While the list certainly brings to light the level of misinformation conservatives are willing to use to make a point, the list is far from complete. Here’s some more misleading statements, half-truths and outright lies the Republicans have said about women in the last couple of months.


1. “Chinese girls have sideways vaginas.” – Rick Santorum on Face the Nation.

This myth has been around for quite some time but the World Health Organization has stated that the vaginas of Chinese women are just like everybody else’s.


2. “Boys go to Mars to get more candy bars. Girls go to Jupiter to get more stupider.” – Rush Limbaugh on The Rush Limbaugh Show.

To date, the Mars Rover has yet to find a single candy bar on the planet’s surface. As for Jupiter, the atmosphere of the gas giant is mainly comprised of hydrogen and helium. Breathing these gases can cause oxygen starvation to the brain so while a girl could get more stupider on Jupiter, not one female has ever visited the planet.


3. “We don’t need a condom, baby. Everybody knows you can’t get pregnant if you do it in a hot tub.” – Herman Cain in the hot tub at La Quinta Inn. Newark, NJ.

According to the internet you can totally get pregnant in a hot tub. Duh.


4. “That weird girl Ethel in Ms. Miller’s kindergarten class has cooties.” – Mitt Romney televised campaign ad.

While it’s kind of weird that her parents gave her an old lady name, there’s no such thing as cooties. Ethyl has lice.


5. “Almost 20% of fetuses survive abortion, growing up with a single goal in life. Revenge.” – Michele Bachmann, speaking to a bunch of terrified girl scouts around a camp fire moments before Marcus jumps out of the bushes in a giant fetus costume.

While there have been some cases of fetuses surviving late term abortions, there have been no recorded instances of revenge quests.



For more information on Republican views on women’s health, consult any 100 year old medical textbook.

The pic from the original huffpo article. Obviously a shop because the three of them talking at the same time would cause aneurysms in anybody listening.



P.S. Oh hey there’s only two days left to vote for the City Pages reader’s poll. You can vote for “best local blog”. I’m not saying that I think this blog is the best but you should vote for me because I’m incredibly insecure and if you don’t vote for me I’m going to STICK MY FINGER IN MY THROAT UNTIL I THROW UP BECAUSE I’M A FATTY FATASS. Thanks!

Prom Dreams Dashed by Uptight School.

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Spring is here and that means prom is approaching for millions of high school seniors across America and maybe other countries if they celebrate prom. Dresses are being purchased and limos are being rented for a magical night of dinner and dancing, hang gliding, arm wrestling contests and bear hunting.


Okay, I don’t really know what happens at prom. I couldn’t get a date in high school so I spent the night working at the gas station bitterly denying my classmates cigarette purchases because they didn’t have proper ID. Whatever.


Still, prom should be a special night for high schoolers. One they’ll remember for the rest of their lives. It certainly was going to be that way for a Tartan Senior High Student who got actress Megan Piper to be his prom date.



For those of you who aren’t familiar with the name you may have seen her in such films as Dirty Little Schoolgirls 3, Happy Endings Handjobs and Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Giving Head (okay I made that last one up but her whole filmography didn’t even have one real movie parody title!).

this is the only picture in existence of her wearing clothes.



Megan Piper’s a porn star and Tartan Senior Mike Stone is the coolest kid in America right now. Even the name Mike Stone sounds badass.


This kid sent out over 600 tweets to his favorite porn stars on twitter asking them to prom and Megan Piper responded she’d gladly attend if he would pay for the airfare. This kid was about to become a school legend. This would be talked about at the school for years. I know. I went to Tartan (class of 2000 whoo!) and the biggest things that ever happened when I went is that my friend Tony jumped in the dolphin tank at the Minnesota Zoo on a field trip and we put on a pretty good production of West Side Story.



This kid’s dreams were about to come true until the school decided to step in and forbade Mike from bringing Megan to the prom, stating that it’s inappropriate to bring an adult film star to a high school dance. Apparently Oakdale, MN is now the town from Footloose (the original, not the remake).


Am I the only one who doesn’t see a problem here? It’s not like they’re going to shoot a scene on the dance floor. In fact, Mike would probably be the only kid at prom guaranteed to not get laid that night (she’s an actress, not a whore). All the girls at the prom would have somebody to call a slut other than whoever the slutty girl at school is, giving the girls a nice change of pace and the slutty girl a break. Local news crews would probably cover the event, giving the prom that “red carpet lined with paparazzi” feeling.


Shame on you, Tartan High. I used to be proud to be a Titan and now I’m wondering if all those mandatory pep rallies I went to even meant anything.

ABORTION! ABORTION! ABORTION!

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Abortion.


People supposedly don’t like talking about abortion. Even in the movie “Knocked Up” they work around saying the word by saying rhymes with shmashmortion.



This makes sense. It’s a very sensitive topic. A topic that many people have radically different views upon (my personal view is that I’m a guy and I’ve had a vasectomy so I’ll just keep my opinions to myself). A undoubtedly heavy subject that, when debated, should be handled with tact and respect.



That is, of course, unless you’re a republican politician. Then it’s your duty to turn the debate into the loudest, gaudiest circus freakshow possible.


The craziness probably started way before this but I first took notice a couple of weeks ago when the news was when lawmakers in Virginia tried passing a bill transvaginal ultrasounds on women who try to get abortions. I’m pretty sure the only reason these lawmakers want to stick a wand all up in a girl who is making the hardest decision of her life is just to add more humiliation to the procedure because that’s the name of the game. If you can’t forcefully keep a woman from getting an abortion you shame her out of it.



The bill was met with fierce opposition andultimately didn’t pass (a similar bill requiring less invasive but just as unnecessary plain ol’ ultrasounds passed) but Republicans , in spite of their hatred of arts funding, are a creative lot. Just this week, Arizona State Rep. Terri Proud emailed a constituent about how she’d like to require women to watch an abortion before having one.



Her reasoning is some bullshit about how women are uninformed about such a dangerous procedure blah blah blah. The real effect here is the added shame of realizing that if you want an abortion, you’re probably gonna have a room full of people staring at you while it happens. It’s unnecessary, embarrassing and just another hoop for women to jump through.


Now I’m well aware that most of my readers are state level republican politicians so if you’re looking to introduce some wacky abortion bills to proverbially stone women with here’s some jumping off points for you guys, free of charge (you can certainly name the bill after me if you’d like. “Bill’s bill” has a nice ring to it) –


* To prove you’re not ready for parenthood every abortion provider must give prospective patients an egg to take care of for a week as if it were a child. If they come back to the clinic and the egg has broken, they can follow through with the procedure.

* Any woman receiving an abortion is given a two year subscription to Disney Movie Club paid for by her insurance (thanks, Obamacare!). The name on the address will read “your child would have loved this one”.

* Any woman receiving an abortion has to “pay it forward” and perform the procedure on another woman so she can experience the guilt and pain the doctors go through.

* After an abortion the woman is required, by law, to gain 30 pounds and then lose it really quickly so she has stretch marks anyway.


For more information about how abortion is evil, consult your local Rick Santorum.