Tag Archives: humor

Blogging On Location.

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I wanted to go somewhere other than my living room to type today’s blog so I thought I’d go to Bob’s Java Hut for a nice change of pace and a hot cup of coffee.  The problem is that the route to Bob’s is almost two blocks to walk, full of twists and turns.  That seemed really inefficient to me so I thought I’d get there quicker if I walked a straight line in the opposite direction.

I began walking when I came across a building.  It didn’t say “Bob’s Java Hut” on it and everybody inside insisted that this building which was obviously Bob’s Java Hut was, in fact, their home.  I kindly explained that this had to be the coffee shop because it’s what I was looking for and there I was.  I then showed them my gun to back up my logic and then asked the confused coffee shop employees to get me a cup of coffee and their wireless password.

The coffee shop employees are a peculiar but peaceful people.  They told me that they only had a drink called “Tea” and brought me a cup.  It tasted different but was hot and served in a ceramic mug.  I told them that we’re calling this drink “coffee” now and had them give me all the coffee in the shop to bring back home.

As I type this one of the coffee shop employees is gathering supplies for my trip back home.  I think I’ll take him with me to make coffee for me and do some other stuff.  I don’t plan on paying him.  After I return home.  I think I’ll come back with Jared and have him set up camp here so he can collect weekly tributes from the native employees and cut off the hands of anybody who doesn’t deliver.

On a completely unrelated note, happy Columbus Day, everybody!

Occupy Wall Street / Tea Party: A Comparison.

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Occupy Wall Street is growing.

I just started hearing about this last week but http://occupywallst.org/ has been posting since July.  Recently people have been drawing a lot of comparisons to the Tea Party for a couple of main reasons.  Some people have funny costumes and signs

Anonymous: working to affect positive social change with just a hint of LOLcats

For every one person who says I should take the tea party seriously there are 10 pictures like this

And their goals are kind of vague yet similar.  They both think the middle class should pay fewer taxes.  Occupy Wall Street believes this should be achieved by increasing the tax burden on the rich.  The Tea Party believes this should be achieved by abolishing the IRS

because the president is a socialist

nazi

vampire that feeds off statues

.

While they definitely have different ideas about what the problems/solutions are in this country, I do believe the Occupy Wall Street people owe the Tea Party a debt of gratitude.  With the exception of Anonymous’ Guy Fawkes Mask and Internet Meme fascination, Occupy Wall Street seems pretty normal.  I can only assume they saw the mistakes the Tea Party made and learned what not to do.

So thanks for acting like a bunch of rabid morons, Tea Party.  Your rampant ignorance paved the way for a more credible grassroots organization.

Sesame Skid Row

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Entertainment Weekly reports that Sesame Street will be introducing a new character named Lily. Lily’s an impoverished puppet “whose family faces an ongoing struggle with hunger issues.”

So hungry.

Lily will make her debut in a one hour primetime special that will “share the stories of real-life families to raise awareness of hunger issues in the United States, as well as strategies that have helped these families find food.”  The special also hopes to dispel the myth that poor people are misanthropic, crazed trash-dwellers.

Don't know how kids got that idea.

This is not the first time that Sesame Street has used Muppets to address social issues.  We all remember when Cookie Monster had to have his foot amputated (“D” is for Diabetes) or when Big Bird was committed for Schizophrenia and submitted to shock treatment until he could no longer see the “Snufflepagus”.

By the way, if you’re expecting a Bert and Ernie gay joke, you’re gonna be disappointed.  Some dead horses are just too badly beaten.

You may even remember a few years ago when Takalani Sesame, the South African co-production of Sesame Street, introduced Kami, the HIV positive Muppet.

It's okay! You can hug me!

Kami was introduced to help remove some of the stigmas associated with HIV/AIDS.  A great idea, seeing as HIV/AIDS is a huge problem in Africa and education is a great weapon against spread of the disease and mistreatment of it’s victims.  Of course, conservatives saw this, assumed that Kali would be shown on the US Sesame Street and freaked the fuck out but that’s a story for another day.  The point is that Muppets are a good way to teach kids about issues affecting society.  With that in mind, I have an idea for a couple of new cast members.

Ponder – The Muppet that had to move back in with his parents after college because of his useless Philosophy degree.

Emo – The Muppet with depression.  Teaches kids to not listen to shitty music.

Snookette – The Muppet that went on a reality show for fame and is now a constant tabloid punchline.

Turns out Sesame Street is in a real fucked up neighborhood.

Well Look Who’s Come Crawling Back

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I heard you were coming back but I didn’t believe it.  How long has it been since I last saw you?  Five years?  That’s a long time for you to be away to have you just swoop in like nothing happened and it’ll be just like before.  You’ve got a lot of nerve starting again like nothing happened.  I just don’t know if I’m ready for this.  I don’t know if I’m ready for a new season of Arrested Development.

A lot has changed since you were gone and don’t say you weren’t gone.  Sit Down, Shut Up doesn’t count and you know it!  So much has changed in five years and not just me.  Five years is a long time.  How can you even claim to just pick up where you left off?  Michael Cera and Alia Shawkat must look so different… okay they both still look like they’re 16 but that’s beside the point.  It’s not that I didn’t love you.  I did and still do.  It’s just that Mitch Hurwitz even said that he had told the story that he wanted to tell and this seems like a weird moneygrab on your part.

Besides, I’ve moved on.  I have a new favorite show.  His name is Louie.  You’d like him.  He’s on basic cable.  Cable’s really improved since you’ve been around.

… Who am I kidding?  I can’t stay mad at you.  Of course I’ll watch the new episodes and movie.  Just don’t expect me to buy the DVDs.

The Last Drug

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I was 15 years old the first time I had coffee.

I was working on a project for my 10th grade Social Studies class that was due the next day. It was a group project and worth a lot of points but I was a procrastinator so there I was at 11PM drawing maps on cardboard or whatever the fuck the project was about. Seeing me nodding off at the kitchen table, my dad suggested I get some sleep and finish the project early in the morning. I set my alarm for 5AM.

I woke up to finish the project but was in no condition to work. My dad was already up and reading the newspaper, cup of coffee in hand. Caffeine is a stimulant. I’ve seen all the sitcoms and comic strips about adults that are haggard, unkempt and mumbly until they’ve had their first cup of coffee. I thought that maybe this is just how things work now. Not getting enough sleep and using coffee to perk you up in the morning was part of being an adult. I silently congratulated myself on recognizing this right of passage and poured myself a cup of coffee. It tasted bitter and gross but I choked down three cups.

It worked. I perked right up and finished my project with a half an hour left over before I had to go to school. Unfortunately the project didn’t get turned in until the next day because I spent the next four hours violently shitting everything my body could manage to shit.

I remember hearing my dad from the other side of the bathroom door saying something along the lines of “I, uh, guess I should have told you that coffee can mess with your insides if you’re not used to it.” in a tone that suggested equal amounts concern and amusement. I also vaguely remember shouting something back to him, either “YEAH YOU SHOULD HAVE” or “THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT IS LIKE?” or “THE POOPIES FEEL LIKE POOP KNIVES” but I really can’t recall.

I didn’t touch coffee for years after that. Why would I? Plenty of other caffeinated drinks in the world that taste better and don’t make my colon spasm like it got tazed. Fuck coffee. I was done.

Here we are 14 years later and I’ve just had my 4th cup of coffee for the day. How did this happen?

That beany bastard is a sneaky adversary. It starts off so innocent. Some coffee flavored ice cream gets you into the flavor. Maybe you have a friend who works at a Caribou hook you up with some free drinks. Iced mocha caramel cappuccinos are more candy than coffee. Then one morning you decide to try some of your wife’s coffee instead of going to the store for a Pepsi because it’s quicker and cheaper and goddamn does that taste good! Damn you, Juan Valdez! You’ve finally won!

Juan wins! Juan always wins...

Now I’m just another uptown hipster drinking their oversized, overpriced, foamy cup of liquid crack until they’re twitchy and unintelligible.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MIaK3hEJiX0]

 

People think he was on coke during the interview but that was all the “cuppa coffee” at work.

 

 

 

Walk On, Sluts!

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Courtney McLean invited me to “like” a cause on facebook a while back called SlutWalk Minneapolis. My first reaction was to scream “You’re the slut, slut!” but I sheathed my claws quickly and realized she probably wasn’t calling me a slut (I can be so catty sometimes). I soon found out that the SlutWalk was actually an anti rape thing and not a walk full of sluts.

I found out more about the SlutWalk (man I can’t wait for the search engine terms to hit this site after typing “slut” 50 times in one post) from today’s Star Tribune article. It seems this started in Canada where all activism starts. At a college safety seminar in Toronto, a police officer told young women that they were less likely to be raped if they didn’t dress like sluts.

I totally understand where the guy is coming from. Not a day goes by that I see a woman with some exposed skin and I have to batter down my completely natural urge to have my way with her. Not that she’d mind, judging by the way she was dressed.

What women don’t understand about men is that we are solely motivated by sex. The only reason I go to sleep at night is that I’ll have the energy the next day to have sex. The other day I was in the produce section of the grocery store trying to figure out which kind of apples would let me fuck more (the guy working there was no help).

I am a machine. I don’t yell at a car when I step on the gas and it goes forward.

Those signs might as well say "I want every man to have sex with me always."

In spite of all this, the SlutWalk claims that women are actually the victims of rape. If women are the victims of rape, then why do only 6% of rapists in Minnesota serve jail time for raping*?

Whatever your views on it may be, there’s a fundraiser at the Acadia Cafe in Minneapolis tonight and the Minneapolis slutwalk happens on Saturday. I’d go but frankly, I can’t be held responsible for what would happen if I showed up. I’m just a man.

(*stat taken from a quote from the StarTrib article by a musician. May not be true but I’m too lazy to follow up on it.)

Why Does My Dick Shine?

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(originally posted on facebook in 2008.)

My dick is a mass of incandescent gas
A gigantic nuclear furnace
Where hydrogen is built into helium
At a temperature of millions of degrees
My dick, it’s hot
My dick is not
A place where we could live
But here on Earth there’d be no life
Without the light it gives

We need its light
We need its heat
We need its energy
Without my dick,
Without a doubt,
There’d be no you and me

My dick is a mass of incandescent gas
A gigantic nuclear furnace
Where hydrogen is built into helium
At a temperature of millions of degrees

My dick is hot
My dick is so hot that everything on it is a gas.
Iron, copper, aluminium, and many others.
My dick is large.
If my dick were hollow, a million Earths could fit inside,
and yet, my dick is only a middle-sized dick.
My dick is far away
About ninety-three million miles away! And that’s why it looks so small.
And even when it’s out of sight, my dick shines night and day.

My dick gives heat
My dick gives light
The dicklight that we see
The dicklight comes from my own dick’s atomic energy

Scientists have found that my dick is a huge atom-smashing machine.
The heat and light of my dick come from the nuclear reactions of
hydrogen, carbon, nitrogen, and helium.

My dick is a mass of incandescent gas
A gigantic nuclear furnace
Where hydrogen is built into helium
At a temperature of millions of degrees

I don’t know how Brody and I stumbled onto this in conversation but we’ve been laughing hysterically ever since.

With sincere apologies to They Might Be Giants

Facebook, Like Jesus or Santa, is Watching You

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Facebook just seems to be on a pissing-people-off streak lately.  Their most recent layout change had a lot of users in an uproar (frankly, I didn’t care) and now it turns out they can track what websites you visit even when you’re logged out of facebook.

The discovery made headlines after Nik Cubrilovic read a blog about facebook’s new “frictionless apps” which could allow websites to (from the hufpo article)”write apps whereby all activity on their pages can be shared automatically to a user’s Facebook profile. The aim is to make sharing more convenient, so that Facebook members can more easily browse what their friends are interested in and start conversations about common interests and activities.”

The blogger stated that it would seem to avoid a corporate info sharing orgy one would have to log out of facebook before browsing other sites. He linked his original post as a comment warning that logging off wasn’t enough.

Nik writes “With my browser logged out of Facebook, whenever I visit any page with a Facebook like button, or share button, or any other widget, the information, including my account ID, is still being sent to Facebook.”

So everytime I visit a website with one of these –

my info is being sent to facebook?  Every website has share widgets now.  In fact, what website did this picture come from?  Let’s zoom out a bit and find out.

AAAAAHHHH!  IT’S TRACKING MY PORN!

Facebook knows all the porn I’ve been watching!  My stepmom’s on facebook!  Facebook’s gonna tell my stepmom and Thanksgiving’s gonna be all weird now!

Thanks for ruining Thanksgiving, stupid facebook.

State Rep John Whitmire: “Last Meal Shlast Shmeal”.

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If a news story starts with a Texas politician opening his/her mouth, you know it’s not good.

 

You’ll never see a story that reads “Texas Senator drafts world peace amendment” or “Texas lawmaker solves economic crisis”.  It’s always “Texas Legislature considering seceding from US” or “Texas Lawmakers offer $200 bounty for heads of scientists”.  I’m only using the slightest hint of hyperbole in these examples.  Don’t believe me?  The Houston Press just reported that State Rep John Whitmire successfully petitioned the Texas Criminal Justice Division to stop serving last meals to death row inmates.

 

Stating in his letter “Enough is enough”, Whitmire was outraged that former living person Lawrence Brewer ordered two chicken fried steaks, a triple meat bacon cheeseburger, a cheese omelet, a large bowl of fried okra, three fajitas, a pint of Blue Bell ice cream, a pound of barbecue and a half loaf of white bread before being shut off forever. Frankly, I’m surprised that meal didn’t give him a fatal heart attack right on the spot.

 

Bra-fucking-vo, Texas. You’ve certainly outdone yourselves on this one. Your justice system was already widely considered the most fucked up and heartless in the nation when you showed you had no problem executing the mentally handicapped and now you won’t even give them a fruit roll-up and sippy cup of milk before you whack ’em? Impressive.

 

My biggest concern is that the article didn’t state exactly what problem Sen. Whitmire had with the last meal other than it’s an “extremely inappropriate” privilege, “one which the perpetrator did not provide to their victim.” (protip – we’re supposed to be better and more merciful than the murderers)

 

Is it the cost? The law states that last meals can’t cost more than $40 and even if that’s an issue, this nation spends 100 million a year to execute a few dozen people (where’s the tea party and libertarians when you actually fucking need them?) so I doubt $40 is gonna break the bank.

 

Now I’m not going to go in depth about my opinion of the death penalty (don’t like it) but if we’re stuck with it we need to have a last meal. Society has spent generations romanticizing it. People talk about what their last meal would be at parties and awkward first dates. My friend, stand up comedian and oceanographer Brandi Brown shared a link on facebook to The Last Meals Project, a website showing the last meals of many death row inmates along with various death row statistics. It certainly provides a view into the state of mind these people are in right before they die and it certainly made me think about what I would order if I was on death row.

 

I’m not quite sure what I’d have for food. A nice pizza or steak. Something filling, I guess. The important part is the drink I’d have to accompany my meal. Two cans of OK soda.

I fucking loved OK soda when it was out and I’m not even much of a soda drinker.  It’s gone now and I can’t find it anywhere. I’ve tried. I always mix the soda together at the fountain whenever I’m at Burger King and I get close sometimes but it’s just not the same.

 

I’m not saying I’d commit murder to get a couple of cans of OK. I wouldn’t kill for that or any other reason. Even if I did, it couldn’t be in this state and statistically, I’d have to kill a white girl or I’d just get life in prison and no soda. I’m just saying that if you find yourself guilty of the murder of a white girl in a state that executes people, there’s your chance to get a can of OK soda. Just make sure it’s not Texas.

 

What would your last meal be? Feel free to leave a comment but if you live in Texas your comment has to be “Same thing every other prisoner is eating that day.”

The Things You Weirdos Continue to Type Into Search Engines

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About two months ago I wrote a blog about the fucked up search engine terms that eventually lead to this blog and since then, they haven’t magically become any less fucked up. Here’s some of the weirdest/funniest/most disturbing of just the last 30 days alone

KIDS FUCK:  

Late July I wrote a blog about the controversy surrounding a restaurant that banned all children under 6. Because I’m such a graceful writer I put “Hey, Kids! Fuck You!” as the title. Since then this site has seen at least three vaguely child molestey search engine terms a day. I’m thinking of changing the header of the site to say “youngnotions.com: Disappointing pedophiles since 2011”. The worst part is that writing about it now is probably going to get more search engine hits from those sickos.

חוות נמלים:  

According to google translate it’s Hebrew for “Ant Farm”.  I honestly have no clue.

PATRICK BAUER PORN:  

My friend Patrick Bauer is a stand up comedian, sketch writer and actor.  To my knowledge he isn’t a porn actor but simply mentioning his name on none of my blogs caused two search engine hits for “Patrick Bauer Porn” and “Patrick Bauer Porno”.   The logical explanation is that there’s a porn actor out there that has the same name but I think that the real (re: the one that I know) Patrick Bauer has a secret porn life that he’s hiding from his loved ones.  I refuse to find out the answer.
AN EVIL SEA CREATURE FOR KIDS SHARK:  

Okay.  I get how that term brought up this blog due to my review of Shark Night 3D(check it out!) but why is somebody looking for an evil sea creature for kids shark?  Is this going to be a birthday present for some little evil mastermind in training?

FORESKIN DONUT:  

That’s it.  This is going to be a knitting blog from now on.  We’re only going to talk about knitting.   Maybe crocheting if I’m feeling crazy.

Sick bastards.