We Need to Talk.

This is really hard for me but it’s something I’ve needed to say for a while. I can’t be with you anymore. I love you. Of course I still love you. How can I not? I’ll always love you but you’re not good for me and this relationship is becoming toxic.


Please just let me get this all out. I know we’ve known each other for so long that It’s hard to remember a time when we weren’t together. I first met you when I was just a kid. I honestly didn’t like you at first. You seemed bitter and off-putting but all the older at the people were so enamored with your charms. When I became older I started to see why. I’d keep running into you at parties and by spring break on my senior year of high school, we were inseparable.


Those nights we spent together in the first few years were magical. I’ll never forget. People warned me about you and how you chewed up and spit out stronger men than me but what we had was different. We were meant to be together. It was stupid to think that it would be like that forever. People grow and change but you started getting demanding as I got older. You wanted to do all the things that we did early on but I just can’t keep up anymore. I can’t be out all night, throwing my money away at you on the bar just to feel awful the next morning when you aren’t there. I just can’t drink you anymore, beer.


I thought we were special. I really did. When I was in my early twenties I could drink a dozen of you and not have a hangover as long as I had 6 hours of sleep. I thought maybe it was because I was special, because I was different than anybody else but lately I can’t even drink four of you without spending the entire next day on the toilet. What did I do to deserve this? I’ve always treated you with such reverence.


Now I know that I may be developing a mild gluten intolerance and there are gluten free versions of you out there but they’re so expensive. Sure, I’ve spent plenty of money when there’s a decent Belgian selection of you at a bar or I want to treat myself to some craft beers but one of the things I loved about you is that you were really affordable when I needed you to be.



So this is it. We’re done. I just can’t be with you anymore.


Don’t get me wrong, I’m still going to drink vodka and whisky but you and I are through. I’ll miss you.


A lady at the bar drew this picture of us together on St. Patrick's day. You always loved St. Patrick's day.

Well Look Who’s Come Crawling Back

I heard you were coming back but I didn’t believe it.  How long has it been since I last saw you?  Five years?  That’s a long time for you to be away to have you just swoop in like nothing happened and it’ll be just like before.  You’ve got a lot of nerve starting again like nothing happened.  I just don’t know if I’m ready for this.  I don’t know if I’m ready for a new season of Arrested Development.

A lot has changed since you were gone and don’t say you weren’t gone.  Sit Down, Shut Up doesn’t count and you know it!  So much has changed in five years and not just me.  Five years is a long time.  How can you even claim to just pick up where you left off?  Michael Cera and Alia Shawkat must look so different… okay they both still look like they’re 16 but that’s beside the point.  It’s not that I didn’t love you.  I did and still do.  It’s just that Mitch Hurwitz even said that he had told the story that he wanted to tell and this seems like a weird moneygrab on your part.

Besides, I’ve moved on.  I have a new favorite show.  His name is Louie.  You’d like him.  He’s on basic cable.  Cable’s really improved since you’ve been around.

… Who am I kidding?  I can’t stay mad at you.  Of course I’ll watch the new episodes and movie.  Just don’t expect me to buy the DVDs.