Tag Archives: humor

Ghetto Shopping

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Hey kids- I hate to be the bearer of bad news. I really don’t want to tell you. But since Bill is on his mini-vacation from the blog, and because it’s a thing that’s happened in the news, I’m going to have to be the one to tell you of this tragic event.

Sears Holdings (parent company of Sears (duh) and K-mart) will be closing 100-120 of its stores due to a large drop in holiday profits.

This is horrible for two reasons. 1) Where are all those poor people going to go for their poor people things? Like clothing that doesn’t fit right and/or is skanky, bulk generic Ramen, or toys that will fall apart the instant they try to play with them? Are we going to see poor people flock to Targets like a perpetual black Friday (not a race joke)? AM I GOING TO HAVE PROBLEMS CUTTING THROUGH THE MASSES OF GHETTO GIRLS TO GET TO THOSE ADORABLE TOE SOCKS WITH THE STRIPES THAT ARE HALF OFF???

Don't come between me and reduced price toe socks.

I might have to mingle with people with less money than I have. I might have to acknowledge their right to shop along side me, as if their socio-economic class meant nothing to who they are as individuals.

No. Fuck that. I’m going to continue with my class warfare. I’m going to fight for my right to feel superior to others based on their income. I’m going to march for my right to look down on others because a person’s financial situation is never affected by outside influences, because people live in vacuums where their hard work is all that contributes to their income, and bad luck never affects anyones standard of living.

I’m going to march those poverty stricken so-n-sos out of my store and into a Wal-Mart. Where they belong.

Oh! The second horrible thing? Sears thought people were still shopping there. I’m pretty sure no one’s set foot in a Sears store in years, and any shoppers there are just the ghosts of old people looking for appliances and socket wrenches.

A Moving Christmas

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Christmas has passed, and while you’re thinking about or playing with all the shit you got, and while you’re sitting in your bathroom passing yesterday’s Christmas feast, I’d like you to take a moment to think on how shitty the holiday season can be.

Very specifically, I take you to Catalonia, where they have a Christmas tradition of feeding a log full of candy and nuts over the course of several days, and then beating it with a stick until all the candy is “pooed” out the logs “butt”. Known as Tió de Nadal (Christmas Log), or the less formal Caga tió (shit log), this log has a cartoon face, two legs, and is wrapped in a blanket that both acts to keep it warm, and provide a little privacy as it’s getting the shit beat out of him.

What is it with Spanish people beating things with sticks for candy?

On Christmas day, all the children gather ’round the log with sticks, and hit him while singing this song: “Shit log, shit turron, hazelnuts and cottage cheese, if you don’t shit well, I’ll hit you with a stick, shit log!” Then they remove the blanket to show the log’s shit, along with other presents left there by the Three Wise Men. Apparently after the Baby Jesus gig, the Three Wise Men took to delivering presents in Catalonia. It *is* nicer there than that run-down hovel of a town Bethlehem.

Speaking of, the Catalonians have another shitty tradition- the Caganer. See, in Catalonia, just doing the small little nativity scene isn’t enough for them. They have to do the whole town of Bethlehem, with all the villagers doing their villager thing- spinning wool, cooking a meal, sleeping. And off in the corner, one little little guy, shitting. Modern day Nativity scenes can even include celebrity Caganers.

Christmas tradition or political statement? You decide.

The Caganer is a big deal to the Catalonians. He’s such a big deal, that when the City of Barcelona dropped him from their Nativity scene in 2005, the people started a campaign called Salvem el caganer (Save the Caganer) that restored him to his throne in 2006.

Apparently, it was quite the movement. Ahem.

Lest we think that the Catalonians are the only ones with shitty Christmas traditions, I present to you an American favorite: Mr. Hankey, the Christmas poo.

Howdy Ho!

Mr. Hankey’s tradition goes back farther than the Season1, episode 10 of South Park that most people remember him from. Apparently, Trey Parker had problems flushing the toilet during potty training, so his father told him that if he didn’t flush, the poo (named Mr. Hankey) would come to life and kill him. Years later, before Parker and Stone started South Park, the two creators decided they wanted to do a short on Mr. Hankey. They didn’t do that, but elements of the outlined show were used in the infamous Season 1, Episode 10 Christmas special.

And again before South Park, Parker and Stone tried to sell Mr. Hankey as the main protagonist in “The Mr. Hankey Show”, which included 4 children, but FOX Executive poo pooed the idea. So instead, Parker and Stone created a show called South Park that used just the 4 children. They knew they were going to want to introduce Mr. Hankey in the series at some point, however. So when they pitched the idea of the show to Comedy Central, Parker is said to have said “One thing we have to know before we really go any further: how do you feel about talking poo?”

Really, that’s my comedic dream. To some day pitch talking poo to an executive producer. Maybe I will ask the three wise men for it next year. In the meantime, I’m going to beat this log til it shits candy. Here’s hoping you all had a very shitty Christmas!

Happy Festivus and Holiday Greeting Butthurt

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Today, according to Wikipedia, is Festivus. Festivus was an “actual” holiday made up by the dad of one of the writers for Seinfeld. The actual Festivus and the Seinfeld one are pretty much in name only but let’s not let that stop us from erecting the Festivus pole, airing our grievances and wrestling on the floor. A Festivus for the rest of us but enough about that. Let’s talk about Christmas.


I celebrate Christmas. I really don’t consider myself a Christian (I consider myself a conscientious objector when it comes to religion) but most everybody in my family is Christian and I like presents and cookies so fuck it. Merry Christmas. Or happy holidays. Seasons greetings. Whatever.


It seems like I can’t win with some people on how I wish them a happy whatever (I’ve actually started using “happy whatever” as my holiday greeting). This stupid issue about people being offended over holiday greetings has gone on so long that it’s been satirized in fucking cellphone commercials

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=73vcbde8Cb8?rel=0&w=420&h=315]

That was from four years ago and I still see news stories on Merry Christmas vs. Happy Holidays bullshit.


It really sucked when I worked in customer service. I was always encouraged to say “Happy Holidays” but would always offend a few old people (it’s always fucking old people) because I didn’t wish them a Merry Christmas. Here’s how the end of a typical conversation would go down.

ME: Thanks for calling whatever company I’m working for at the moment and Happy Holidays.
CUST: Happy Holidays? It’s Christmas! You know, you people used to be able to say “Merry Christmas” before you went all PC. Don’t you celebrate Christmas?
ME: Yes I do, sir.
CUST: Then why don’t you say “Merry Christmas”?
ME: Well, I can’t be sure if you celebrate Christmas, sir (I actually had to have a meeting with my manager once because I responded by saying “you could be a Satanist for all I know”. Turns out you don’t get in less trouble if you piss off the customer in a funny way).


It goes both ways, too. I’ve offended non Christians by saying “Merry Christmas”. It’s a fucking zero sum game with you jackasses.


Here’s the deal. When I say “Merry Christmas”, “Happy Holidays”, “Merry Whatever” or “Hanukkah Mattata” (my personal invention. Trying to get it to catch on. Spread the word), I’m just trying to be nice. That’s all it is. Anybody giving whatever kind of holiday greeting is just trying to be nice and the people who are offended are all missing the fucking point. I’m just trying to be nice to you.


It’s alright, though. I’ve come up with a solution and anybody who has watched stand up comedy before knows that comedians always have the best solutions for social issues. The next time I offer any holiday greeting and somebody bitches at me because I didn’t offer their specific holiday greeting, I’m going to hug them.


No words. I’m just going to walk up and hug them super hard. Both arms. Not even the “guy hug” where you pat them on the back while you do it. Full on hug. Just gonna keep on hugging until I get a reaction. Sure, I’ll probably get a few people that shove me off and call me a fag or something but I’m guessing most people will be too thrown off by the surprise hug to react at first. After they realize what’s happening to them they’ll probably start crying. It takes a lot of hurt inside somebody to bristle at a stranger offering a nice greeting and once that all finally comes to the surface there’s gonna be tears. I’ll just hug them harder and say “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Holidays” or “Hanukkah Mattata” (seriously I think Hanukkah Mattata could work. Please use it as often as possible).


I want you to do this, too. The next time you offer out a holiday greeting to a stranger and they get all pissy with you just hug them. I honestly feel like if everybody does this we can eradicate Holiday Greeting Butthurt in our lifetime. Then we can all get back to celebrating Kwanzaa in peace.

Payroll Tax Cut: What Does $40 Mean to You?

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CNN reports that the House rejected the Senate bill to extend the payroll tax cut, set to expire on Dec. 31st. Once expired, the average family would see their taxes raised about $1,000 per year or roughly $40 per paycheck. CNN.com is asking it’s readers what $40 dollars means to them so here’s what $40 means to me.


160 PACKETS OF RAMEN

Maruchan means "Round child" or "1,660 mg of sodium"

Frankly I don’t care for the stuff but Jena likes it and the boy goes crazy for it so we usually keep a few on hand for a quick cheap meal. They’re 25 cents each so $40 will get you 160 packets. That’s a lot of Ramen. I’m getting varicose veins just thinking about all that Ramen.


ONE BOTTLE OF REALLY GOOD BOOZE, TWO BOTTLES OF DECENT BOOZE OR THREE BOTTLES OF SHIT BOOZE
If I’m feeling lazy there’s actually a liquor store in my neighborhood that delivers for $5 but their booze is a little pricier so more like one bottle of decent booze or two bottles of shit.


FOUR MONTHS OF NETFLIX STREAMING
We downgraded our cable tv to basic so Netflix is where we get almost all of our home entertainment now. Don’t take away my Netflix, John Boehner. I just got into Dr. Who.


A TOTALLY RAD PIZZA PARTY
$40 could get you a couple of awesome pizzas, some wings or breadsticks and a couple of two liters of soda.


As you can see, $40 can get you a lot these days. Movies, booze, pizza or four blowjobs from House Speaker John Boehner’s mom. Boom!



p.s. The editor of the “Dear Me” book emailed me about my blog from Monday and asked if he could put it in the readers letters section of his website. Check it out here!

So Much Funukkah: A Goy’s Guide to Hanukkah

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Tonight marks the first night of Hanukkah and while people of the Jewish faith light the first candle of their menorahs, give gifts, play games and recite prayers Christians all over America scratch their heads in confusion. Where’s the Santa? Where’s the tree? This isn’t Christian at all! What’s with the funny candleholder and the spinning top game?

It can all be very confusing to those of us on Team Jesus and let’s face it, ignorance of other cultures is kind of an American tradition but fear not because below is a handy dandy guide to the “Festival of Lights”!


SPELLING
You’ve no doubt seen it spelled more than one way in your lifetime. While Wikipedia prefers the spelling “Hanukkah” but recognizes Romanized spellings like “Chanukah”, the blog joemaller.com compiled a list of 16 different spellings according to google hits –

Hanukkah
Chanukah
Hanukah
Hannukah
Chanuka
Chanukkah
Hanuka
Channukah
Chanukka
Hanukka
Hannuka
Hannukkah
Channuka
Xanuka
Hannukka
Channukkah
Channukka
Chanuqa

According to wordpress spell check, the only two of these that are acceptable are Hanukkah and Hanuka (Hanuka Mattata!).


HISTORY
Way back in toga times, the Syrian Empire was slaughtering the Jews for the same reason any group of assholes slaughtered Jews throughout history, for being Jewish. They banned the practice of the Jewish faith and even went so far as to desecrate the Temple of Jerusalem by sacrificing pigs at the altar in the name of Zeus. This led to a wide scale revolt led by Judah Maccabee (who earned the badass nickname “Judah the Hammer”). They beat back the invading forces and rededicated the temple. The temple was cleansed and the menorah was lit. The menorah was supposed to burn every night but there was only enough oil to burn for one night. The menorah, however, burned eight nights, just enough time to get more oil. Hanukkah celebrates the freedom this rebellion provided and the miracle of the oil.


MENORAH
The menorah or, as many Christians refer to it, the Jewish Christmas tree, is the most recognizable symbol of the holiday. It has nine candles (eight for each night and one to light the others) and a prayer is said as each one is lit at nightfall. The menorah can come in many different designs and while most are usually understated and humble, even Hanukkah isn’t safe from the horrors of American consumerism.

from the blog randomhandprints. She does a whole series on ugly menorahs. click for the link..




GELT
Chocolate coins! This started out as a Hanukkah tradition where parents would give their kids gifts of money. The American chocolate company Lofts started making chocolate gold coins in the 1920s when they noticed the Jewish communities weren’t really buying a lot of chocolate Santas. Gifts started to be given in place of gelt in America in the 1950s as the baby boomers turned Christmas into a child’s wet dream and Jewish families didn’t want their kids to feel left out but gelt is still a part of the holiday and available at most stores. I even remember getting some in my Christmas stocking as a kid (I think they’re labled “holiday coins” or something at Wallgreen’s).

What's the holidays without a little diabetes?


DREIDEL

Come on, gimel!


The dreidel is a four sided top with a letter of the Hebrew alphabet on each side. Nun, Gimel, Hei and Shin. Together they form the acronym (in Hebrew) for “A Great Miracle Happened there”. You play by gambling with the chocolate gelt or real money if you’re not a wuss. Each player puts a piece in the pot and takes turns spinning. Actions are taken based on how the dreidel lands face up –

Gimel: You get everything in the pot
Hei: You get half the pieces in the pot
Nun: You get nothing
Shin: You put a piece in the pot

I haven’t worked it out yet but I’m pretty sure this can easily be turned into a drinking game.

I just googled "dreidel hat" on a whim. It exists!





For more information on Hanukkah, ask an Adam Sandler song.

A Letter to my Sixteen Year Old Self.

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Checking out the “Freshly Pressed” section of wordpress last night I came across a blog entry entitled “Dear Me: A Letter to my Sixteen Year Old Self”. It talks about a book that recently came out by the same name in which a bunch of celebrities write letters to their sixteen year old selves. J.K. Rowling, John Waters, Rose McGowan, even Jim Belushi writes a letter to his sixteen year old self (you think the letter would say something like “Hey your much funnier older brother is gonna die in 12 years of a drug overdose so do something about that” but it just talks about how he’ll do well in a school play or some bullshit). The sentiment rings a little hollow since these are all celebrities writing to their younger selves (just be you! It’ll make you millions of dollars tee hee!) but it’s still a pretty nice idea.


Reading about this inspired the blogger to write her own letter to herself at sixteen. There’s actually a section on the book’s website where you can submit your own so I thought I’d give it a try and write a letter to the person I was thirteen years ago.

Young, thin and a head full of hair. Damn your beauty, younger self!




Dear me circa 1998;

Okay, I’m going to need you to stop masturbating for like five minutes to read this. Please, just stop. I know what you’re doing in there. It’s you from the future. Listen, just stop jacking off for two minutes. That’s all I need. Two minutes. I KNOW YOU’RE NOT GOING TO THE BATHROOM IN THERE. Just stop it, I’m begging you. I traveled back in motherfucking time to give you this stupid letter so could you just for once hold off on spanking it?

I know it’s not easy. You’re sixteen, it’s going to be an hour before anybody gets home and the new Frederick’s of Hollywood catalog just came in the mail but you have a whole life of whacking off ahead of you. Pretty soon you won’t even need that Frederick’s of Hollywood catalog! You’ll have actual porn!

You can totally almost see her entire boob. Thank God for Victoria's Secret's trashy sister.

Jesus Christ are you even listening to me? I”m from the goddamn future! You could learn so much! Oh, for fucks sake running the shower doesn’t help. I know what you’re doing in there!

Aren’t you even curious about what happens to you? You get laid someday, how about that? It’s true. You end up having sex! With women! For free! You even get married and not even in the shotgun marriage situation that you always assume is going to happen! Sex! With multiple women! Most of whom are actually pretty hot! Followed by a happy marriage!

I will tell you that you don’t lose your virginity until you’re twenty but it doesn’t have to be like that. You could probably get laid in high school. Look at you! If you would just pull up your pants for five seconds and come meet the trainwreck that your body becomes and realize that you can get laid looking like I do you might actually get the confidence needed to talk to girls instead of SPENDING ALL AFTERNOON USING THE CONDITIONER FOR PURPOSES THAT IT WAS NOT INTENDED. Seriously. If you just had the confidence and stopped styling your hair like a young Ted Koppel you could cut a swath of hedonism through that goddamn school.

You’re seriously still in there? Holy shit. Here. I have last week’s winning Powerball numbers. How would you like to be a multimillionaire in thirteen years?

…

Whatever. Fine. I’m just going to slip this letter under the door. It’s about being true to yourself or some bullshit. Have fun wasting your teenage years jacking off and playing Final Fantasy VII.

Let’s Watch Some Shitty ’90s Music Videos!

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If you’re anything like me you’re probably tired as shit right now because you drove your sister to the airport at 4-in-the-fucking-A-M and you don’t want to write a blog. You don’t want to do anything but watch some awful music videos that were somehow popular 11-15 years ago. Let’s do that together.


[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3mbBbFH9fAg?rel=0&w=420&h=315]

This whole obsession with awful music videos started with Brody showing me this one. This video is like a five minute argument against everything “Gen-X”. The band rolling their eyes through the performance like they’d rather be somewhere else. The stupid imagery of how suburban life is all fake and hollow. There’s seriously a Barbie burning on a grill. The awful stretchy-face computer graphics. Speaking of awful computer graphics-



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YSCfIVa9Shs?rel=0&w=420&h=315]

This is just lazy writing and directing. If the director had listened to the entire song and wanted to do a faithful adaptation, the video would have been about the singer of Del Amitri spending all night trying to convince some girl to cheat on her boyfriend. Instead, the director heard the first line of the song and noted that it contained the words “pretty” and “baby”. This visionary director then decided the video should be pretty women pushing around the band as babies around in strollers. I had to learn this song for a monthly comedy show I did for a few years ago and watched the video multiple times to memorize the song. Too many times. I still have the occasional nightmare of a Del Amitri headed baby trying to seduce me.



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hG9C0VwruXE?rel=0&w=420&h=315]

The video for this isn’t particularly awful, it’s just the douchiest fucking song on the planet. The way Shawn Mullins breathes the verses into the mic you can almost feel him uncomfortably close behind you, whispering into your ear as hot gin vapors hit the back of your neck. He grabs your shoulders tight as he grunts out shit that must sound so poetic in his mind like “She’s seen her share of devils in this… ANGEL town” and “Everybody’s got a plan. It’s kind of like Nashville… with a tan.” As a joke I spent a week answering the phone by singing the chorous of this song. That was two years ago and nobody has called me since.


What’s your (least)favorite shitty ’90s music video? Leave a comment and let’s all share the shame that was Alternative music a decade ago!

Republican Presidential Debate Roundup!

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Well tonight Fox News will air the last debate before primary season and I really could not care less. Seriously. Newt Fucking Gingrich is the front runner right now? I almost feel sorry for conservatives. They have a seething hatred for the man in office right now but just can’t seem to come up with anybody good enough to beat him. It’s like the 2004 election in reverse.


Even though the Fox News article all but said that Gingrich and Romney are the only two who should even bother showing up to the debate, the whole rat pack is showing up. I’ve already taken my shots at Bachmann and Perry so let’s see what the other candidates have to offer.


Jon Huntsman
He was Obama’s ambassador to China, believes in evolution and global warming, kind of likes the gays (supports civil unions but not same sex marriage), treats immigrants like human beings and left office as Governor of Utah with an 80% approval rating. He’s Mormon but said in an interview with Newsweek that the LDS chruch does not have a monopoly on his spiritual life and that he and his wife draw from an array of sources for inspiration. Pretty open minded. All in all, a horrible Republican by today’s standards. He’ll be lucky to get more than three votes.


Rick Santorum
Santorum is defined as “The frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex” and that’s all it will ever mean.


Ron Paul
Ron Paul is the physical embodiment of libertarianism. One time he showed up to work naked because he trusted the free market to dress him. He’s so libertarian he actually opposed the civil rights act because of it’s interference with the free market. To be fair, the “separate water fountain” industry did take a big hit after it was passed.

Ron Paul has the most conservative voting record in history, never voting against any bill that could slightly be interpreted as possibly going against the Constitution. He describes himself as a strict constitutionalist and that may be because he was there when it was written holy shit is he old.

There are 39 stars on those flags behind him.

Seriously. look at him. He bought that suit a year ago and now it’s too big for him. He’s shrinking. If elected (which won’t happen), he’d enter office at 77 years old, making him the oldest man to hobble into office by 8 years.


Mitt Romney
Mitt Romney has a fucking price on his head placed by conservative think tanks because he closed corporate tax loopholes and introduced (sort of) universal health care as governor of Mass. He’s also been called a “flip flopper” (remember? From the John Kerry days?) which is funny because all of his flip flops have been to make conservatives happy. He was pro choice and anti gun and now he’s pro life and pro gun. Polls say that Romney is the republicans’ best bet to beat Obama but he probably won’t get the nomination because one time he let some poor people get cancer treatments.

Also he’s full on Mormon so if he gets elected we’ll all have to convert and do missionary trips to other countries and wear special underpants.


Man, looking at who the Republicans have to offer I kind of miss Sarah Palin and Donald Trump.

My Interview With Time’s Person of the Year

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The time has come for Time to name it’s Person of the Year for 2011 and this time Time has decided that the most influential person of the year is The Protester.



The Protester takes a brief respite from protesting to pose for the cover of Time




While The Protester has been incredibly busy all over the world protesting things like inequality, injustice and unfairness, The Protester took a moment from their schedule to sit down with me for a brief interview about their new found fame, the art of protesting and their love life.


BILL YOUNG
Thanks for coming. I know you must be busy protesting things.

THE PROTESTER
Thanks for having me! I have been protesting a lot lately. There’s just so much to protest in this world. Keeps a concept busy. Idle hands, you know?

BY
You have been all over the world this year. Egypt, Greece, Libya, every major U.S. city. Where is your favorite place to protest?

TP
Each country has it’s charms, you know? It’s hard to pick. Every place has so much beauty that sticks in my memory. Watching the sun set in Egypt through the smokey haze of a burning cop car. The way the celebratory gunfire would ring through the night in Libya. Greece simply has the best Gyros. I love that cucumber sauce. I’d have to say the U.S. is probably my favorite though because I tend to die the least while protesting here.

BY
Things can get violent for you. You’ve been pelted with thousands of rubber bullets, tear gassed and pepper sprayed countless times, arrested repeatedly and murdered hundreds of times this year alone at the hands of The Police. Do you hold any animosity towards The Police?

TP
Listen, I know that seeing us on the news together that it looks like we must hate each other but The Police is doing his job and I’m doing mine. We’re coworkers.

BY
You do seem to spend a lot of time together.

TP
We work together.

BY
So is there any truth to the rumor that Perez Hilton saw you and The Police at a LA hotspot “sharing drinks, laughs and a quick kiss”?

TP
Like I said, we’re coworkers. Nothing more. I don’t even have time for relationships these days.

BY
So what’s next for The Protester?

TP
Well, I’ll be heading to Russia pretty soon. I know, Russia in the winter, it’s crazy but they have this whole rigged election going on and you go where the job takes you.

BY
Is there any place you wouldn’t protest?

TP
China. Definitely. I’m so needed there but I know when I am not welcome. No thanks(laughs)!

BY
Have any opportunities popped up for you since you’ve been bestowed the “Person of the Year” title?

TP
I am actually in the middle of recording an album right now of all my favorite protest chants. It should drop in a couple of months and it’ll have my chants from all over the world like “OUST!” and “Enough is Enough! Gaddafi’s time is up!”. My favorite to record so far is “This is what brutality looks like!” Kanye West produced that track.



For my full interview with The Protester including recipes, fashion tips and their Oscar picks for 2011 sign up for youngnotions premium when I create it.

The God Particle

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I’m not a scientist. I know this may come to a surprise to a lot of you since I wear a lab coat everywhere and have a bunch of beakers filled with different colored bubbling liquids in my living room but it’s all just for show. I am actually not a scientist.


Most people aren’t scientists, when you think about it. Ask yourself, how many scientists do you know? Maybe one, right? Possibly two. It’s okay. Most of us just aren’t scientists. The problem with most of us not being scientists is that when we read a news article about the Higgs Boson the media makes it sound like they’re about to fucking force God out of his spider hole or some shit.


Photo of God courtesy of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.




Why do they keep calling it “The God Particle”? None of the researchers at CERN actually believe that God is made up of Higgs Bosons (I’m assuming. Please leave a comment if you’re a CERN employee and I’m way off base). Discovery of the particle won’t prove or disprove the existence of God. Once they find the Higgs Boson, God won’t pop out and say “Aaaahhh! You got me! I almost totally had you tricked on how I created the universe!”. The only purpose this title serves is to let people jump to conclusions on something they have little to no knowledge about. The more you let people believe the Higgs Boson is God poop or whatever, the wilder the fantasy of the reader. Speaking of which, here’s how the headline appeared on foxnews.com


and Fox News is usually so level headed.




That headline serves no other purpose than to lead you to believe a bunch of scientists are chasing God through the woods.


The worst part about this is that when this particle is finally discovered God will still be invisible and you, the non scientist, will no longer give a shit about this important discovery. You may possibly even lose faith and trust in science since it didn’t deliver on what the media promised you, God on a platter. If those stupid scientists couldn’t gift wrap God for you like they totally said they could why should you believe any of that other bullshit they say about stuff like global warming and evolution and dinosaurs?


Listen, fellow non scientists. All I ask of you is to have a little faith in science. Science works in mysterious ways and it may not seem like it right now, but science has a plan. Just believe. In the name of the proton, the neutron and the orbiting electron.