Christmas has passed, and while you’re thinking about or playing with all the shit you got, and while you’re sitting in your bathroom passing yesterday’s Christmas feast, I’d like you to take a moment to think on how shitty the holiday season can be.
Very specifically, I take you to Catalonia, where they have a Christmas tradition of feeding a log full of candy and nuts over the course of several days, and then beating it with a stick until all the candy is “pooed” out the logs “butt”. Known as Tió de Nadal (Christmas Log), or the less formal Caga tió (shit log), this log has a cartoon face, two legs, and is wrapped in a blanket that both acts to keep it warm, and provide a little privacy as it’s getting the shit beat out of him.
What is it with Spanish people beating things with sticks for candy?
On Christmas day, all the children gather ’round the log with sticks, and hit him while singing this song: “Shit log, shit turron, hazelnuts and cottage cheese, if you don’t shit well, I’ll hit you with a stick, shit log!” Then they remove the blanket to show the log’s shit, along with other presents left there by the Three Wise Men. Apparently after the Baby Jesus gig, the Three Wise Men took to delivering presents in Catalonia. It *is* nicer there than that run-down hovel of a town Bethlehem.
Speaking of, the Catalonians have another shitty tradition- the Caganer. See, in Catalonia, just doing the small little nativity scene isn’t enough for them. They have to do the whole town of Bethlehem, with all the villagers doing their villager thing- spinning wool, cooking a meal, sleeping. And off in the corner, one little little guy, shitting. Modern day Nativity scenes can even include celebrity Caganers.
Christmas tradition or political statement? You decide.
The Caganer is a big deal to the Catalonians. He’s such a big deal, that when the City of Barcelona dropped him from their Nativity scene in 2005, the people started a campaign called Salvem el caganer (Save the Caganer) that restored him to his throne in 2006.
Apparently, it was quite the movement. Ahem.
Lest we think that the Catalonians are the only ones with shitty Christmas traditions, I present to you an American favorite: Mr. Hankey, the Christmas poo.
Howdy Ho!
Mr. Hankey’s tradition goes back farther than the Season1, episode 10 of South Park that most people remember him from. Apparently, Trey Parker had problems flushing the toilet during potty training, so his father told him that if he didn’t flush, the poo (named Mr. Hankey) would come to life and kill him. Years later, before Parker and Stone started South Park, the two creators decided they wanted to do a short on Mr. Hankey. They didn’t do that, but elements of the outlined show were used in the infamous Season 1, Episode 10 Christmas special.
And again before South Park, Parker and Stone tried to sell Mr. Hankey as the main protagonist in “The Mr. Hankey Show”, which included 4 children, but FOX Executive poo pooed the idea. So instead, Parker and Stone created a show called South Park that used just the 4 children. They knew they were going to want to introduce Mr. Hankey in the series at some point, however. So when they pitched the idea of the show to Comedy Central, Parker is said to have said “One thing we have to know before we really go any further: how do you feel about talking poo?”
Really, that’s my comedic dream. To some day pitch talking poo to an executive producer. Maybe I will ask the three wise men for it next year. In the meantime, I’m going to beat this log til it shits candy. Here’s hoping you all had a very shitty Christmas!