Tag Archives: humor

Here’s My Excuses.

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Every now and then there’s some news story about a person with a disability overcoming that disability to do something awesome. Think about it and you can probably recall seeing some human interest story about an autistic artist or armless mountain climber or woman driver. They can be very inspirational or if you’re like me, they just show that not only is there always somebody better than me at something, but he probably has Downs Syndrome.


I’m of course reading into it way too much. These people aren’t out there breaking world records with broken spines just to spite people who have it easy. OR ARE THEY?


Yes, I know people are saying it's a photoshop but let's put that aside for now because it doesn't help the joke at all.





Well that’s unnecessarily aggressive.


This photo showed up on my facebook feed shared by a friend and originally posted by the Primal Muscle facebook page (frankly I prefer my muscle a little more civilized). Fine. You want my excuses? Here they are.


* Maybe I’d find the time to work out if I didn’t have to park in the back of the parking lot everywhere I went.

* You know how they say when you go blind your other senses are heightened? Maybe that’s how it works with the body, too.

* I’d probably be all cut too if I was hopping around everywhere on one leg and picking myself up after falling down all the time.

* It would actually be harder for me to look like that because I’d have a whole other leg to work out.

* The order could be flipped here. Super muscle guy loses his leg and then lets himself go. Not very inspirational but I totally wouldn’t blame him.

* It doesn’t say how he lost that leg. Have you seen exercise equipment? It’s not a stretch to think that he got a gym membership, didn’t read the instructions on the weight machine thingy and it took his leg off. Sure, that story makes him even more determined if he came back to the gym after that horrific accident but he could have avoided it all in the first place had he just stayed home.

*I’m lazy.


Damn, coming up with all these excuses has really worn me out. I’m gonna go take a nap.

White People!

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Duluth, MN is a predominantly white city. Settled originally by Vikings when their ship crashed into the harbor after being tricked by freshwater mermaids, the city has not seen much racial diversity until a couple of black families moved there a while back.



While racial diversity is in low supply in Duluth, racial disparity is bursting at the seams. With 67% of the black and 56% of the Native American population living in poverty (compared to 18% of white people). With this in mind, the Unfair Campaign was created in hopes to spark conversations about racism, specifically, “white privilege”. The campaign put up these posters around the city –


Black people are lucky people don't write shit on their faces all the time.




Usually after I pass out at a party people just draw dicks on my face, not a bunch of stuff about white privilege.




Something something clever 3rd caption joke




As well as billboards that say “It’s HARD to see RACISM when you’re white”.


The campaign has certainly sparked conversation. According to the Star Tribune, white people are totally offended.


From the article – “Hundreds of the city’s white residents have complained that the campaign’s kick-off images and messages are offensive. The campaign, they say, blames all racism on whites”. Granted, not all racism comes from whites, just the kind that has any effect on people’s lives.



The campaign has received worldwide attention and the mayor of Duluth has recieved dozens of messages from all over calling for the death of a race traitor. Seriously. White supremacist websites are even talking about it (don’t click the link. It’s… not pleasant).


Turns out the Unfair campaign was wrong. White people can see racism just fine, especially when it’s the kind of racism where white people are accused of not acknowledging racism which is apparently a form of racism.


And racism that’s not actually racism against white people is the worst racism of all.

Three Hundred and Ten Million Dollars.

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What’s up, losers? This will probably be one of my last posts since I’m gonna win the powerball on Saturday and I won’t have to do this stupid blog for you dumb readers! Get your diarrhea jokes and ham handed political commentary somewhere else because I’ll be drinking liquid diamonds on my rocket boat!


If you’re offended by this, it probably means you’re poor. It’s okay. I’ll be getting a lot of that once I’m insanely rich so I should probably start pissing off poor people now so I’ll be used to it when I cash my oversized novelty check. I’m going to want a smooth transition for when I become an important, better person. Not to make you jealous, but here’s what I’m going to do with all that money.


BUY A SPORT
Some millionaires buy sports teams. I’m going to buy an entire sport. I know that $310M won’t allow me to buy one of the more popular sports but I think I could buy all of professional LaCrosse and still have plenty left to throw around.

GO INTO SPACE
I’m not talking that low earth orbit Richard Branson bullshit, I mean actual outer space. The kind Lance Bass almost went into.

GET JENA SOMETHING NICE
Like everything from that Barenaked Ladies song. I could even get the Barenaked Ladies to deliver that stuff. They’d probably appreciate the work.



“But wait!” you say, covered in the rags of the lower classes, your hands calloused from manual labor. “Aren’t you celebrating a little early? How do you know you’re going to win the powerball?” Then you cough into your hands because you probably have some gross poor person’s disease.



Don’t worry about me, urchin. I have a system in place. See, the odds of winning the powerball jackpot are roughly 1 in 195,000,000. So if I buy 2 tickets than my chances are 2 in 195,000,000. Divide 195,000,000 by 2 and my chances translate to 1 in 97,500,000. Buy a 3rd ticket and my odds are now 2 in 97,500,000 or 1 in 48,750,000. Each new ticket doubles my chances. By following this mathematically sound formula, my chances of winning are roughly 1 in 1 after buying 29 tickets. I’ll buy 30 just to be safe. Granted, the tickets are $3 each with the power play option but you have to spend money to make money.



So long, suckers!

Here's another thing I can buy. The entire Duck Tales series on DVD. Wait... Blu Ray. I'm rich now. Rich people watch Blu Ray

We’re Here! We’re Making Millions for Wearing Weird Clothes! Get Used to it!

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MSNBC reports that fashion models are organizing a rights group called “Model Alliance” to fight back against an industry that treats them like… objects you put clothes on.


Seriously, though. The article reveals that the fashion industry is like only two degrees less skeezy than porn. Models usually start at a really young age, get paid in clothes instead of cash, get sexually harassed and sometimes even assaulted by photographers and designers. There’s also an incredibly but unsurprising rate of depression among models (that can happen when you’re 5’10, 105 pounds and some french guy with a camera is throwing things at you and making pig noises).


The formation of this…union? Team? Activist group? I don’t know what to call it. Whatever. The formation of Model Alliance, while obviously overdue is surprising to a lot of people who normally don’t think of routine abuse and emotional scarring when it comes to the fashion industry. Really, most people think of models as these lucky beautiful women who make millions of dollars for walking down runways in outfits that nobody but Lady Gaga would ever buy –

Wait. Those are clothes? Like, you can buy that in a store and wear it and go places? Really?




I just wonder if this is going to be enough? The article talks about how the alliance formed because so many models are afraid to speak up when mistreated because they’re so easily replaced (turns out it’s an entry level job) so can a union really work in such an environment? For the safety of these women I think we should just retool the whole business completely. Do away with human models. I know that the job of the model is pretty complicated but with advances in modern robotics we can actually have machines do a model’s job with 100% efficiency. I present to you: The Mannequin –

The latest in high tech model replacement.




The mannequin has been designed to do every task a model has including:

*wear clothes


Unlike the model, however, the mannequin has several advantages such as:

*cannot become addicted to heroin

*can be as thin as designer wishes without adverse effects to health

*cannot be raped

*unable to try to transition into acting career

From the director of oh wait he didn't direct anything else.




This would leave a lot of women out of a job but it’s the only way to be safe. All those impossibly beautiful women will just have to become marine biologists or whatever it is hot chicks say they want to do these days.

Weekend Sports Wrap Up!

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Anybody who knows me knows that I am a huge sports fanatic so this weekend was a real treat for somebody like me (a guy who loves sports)! Let’s take a look back and see what this exciting weekend had to offer, sports wise!


WING BOWL 2102

Hundreds of spectators cheered as Takeru Kobayashi ate 337 chicken wings in a half hour (average 11.2 wings per minute), smashing the world record by 87 wings. When asked how he felt after the competition, Kobayashi, who was literally covered in wing sauce, said via translator “I can’t… Oh God… just, just give me a minute… Jesus Christ… I don’t… Oh God.”

Takeru Kobayashi promised to devour all that is made. The earth and the stars. All will be consumed by Kobayashi until there is nothing.




CYCLING

Alberto Contador was stripped of his 2010 Tour De France title after the sport’s highest court found him guilty of doping. Cycling fans are hailing him as the first cyclist to be in the news since Lance Armstrong.


CRICKET

Pakistan beat England 99 & 365 to 141 & 252, which I’m told somehow adds up to them winning by 72 runs. Literally taken directly from the original article, “Chasing 324 to win, on a wearing pitch with areas of rough, against a brace of classy spinners, would always prove the tallest of orders, and once again the England batsmen were to prove inadequate. Alastair Cook resisted for four hours, squeezing out 49 runs, and Matt Prior launched a jaunty counter-attack when the game was pretty much up making the same score, but unbeaten. There were even some runs, 31, for Eoin Morgan who, with a total of 82, emerged as the leading run scorer of an abject middle order. It was to no avail, however. Pakistan chipped away throughout the day, always in control and dismissed England for 252, defeat for them coming by 71.” England’s bowlers hurled some nasty gobs at the wickets but the Pakistani batsmen swept the tibblers off the toddy and gibbled the thislepuff. Once Pakistan’s seeker caught the snitch it was all over for England.

You think it'd be kind of like baseball but it's actually nothing like baseball.

.


I think I’ve really got a knack for sports reporting.

WATCH: Huffpo Falls Into Own Asshole.

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So I saw this Onion article pop up in my facebook newsfeed –





and I’m honestly surprised this hasn’t showed up on the Huffington Post comedy page.


Okay, I know I misspelled “Arianna” but that shitty photoshop took me like an hour to make and I don’t know how to fix it.


The Colbert Report can do a piece on it and then Huffington Post can link to that vid and it can all end up on Anderson Cooper’s “Rediculist”. The camera will pan out until it shows the whole scene taking place in a snowglobe in the hands of Al Franken.

Bachmann? More Like Brokemann! Ba-Zing!

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It’s been weeks, glorious weeks since Michele Bachmann limped home from the Iowa primaries defeated. She pledged to focus on her re-election campaign for congress but there’s just one problem. She ain’t got no money.



Maybe you wouldn't be broke if you just would've gone with Lipton instead of your fancy imported tea bags.

Turns out that running for president, even in the primaries, can be pretty spendy and Michele Bachmann still owes $88,000 from running around the country and talking about how Washington is “spending recklessly”. While donations were pouring in for her early on, she only received enough in the fourth quarter to air commercials for her campaign in Iowa one day before the caucuses. Here’s a brief list of some of the items/services she still owes for her campaign run.


$5,000 – Industrial Strength Makeup Remover

$3.50 – Fact Checker

$2,000 – Gay-Away Pray Spray

$1,500 – Phrenology Consultation

$7,000 – Bibles, Constitutions, Duct Tape

$180,000 – Iowa Straw Poll Votes.


With such debt it’s hard to see how she’d be able to properly fund a re-election campaign. If Michele Bachmann’s gone from politics, who will stick up for the rights of lightbulbs?

Smartphone Thefts on the Rise in Minneapolis.

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The Star Tribune is reporting that there’s been a rash of phone thefts in Minneapolis. Specifically, the article is entitled “Police warn of brazen smartphone thefts in Minneapolis”.


Brazen. That just sounds so… daring.


When you read the article you find out that the brazen part is just dudes running by and taking the phones while people use them but when I read “brazen” I just imagine a young woman at a street corner checking her facebook. Suddenly, a caped man in a domino mask swings by on a rope, snatching the phone from her hands and landing on the roof of the one story building in front of her. The mysterious man crouches down and bellows “I am truly sorry, madame but I have liberated your Samsung Galaxy from you and all I have to offer in return is this.” He pulls a single rose out from under his cape, lifts it to his nose and inhales deeply before dropping it down into her open hands and running off, leaping from rooftop to rooftop. His silhouette slowly fading into the backdrop of the city skyline. Later, when the police officer is getting his report from her he’ll ask if the masked man stole anything other than her phone. She’ll smell the rose, look to the rooftops and say with a sigh “my heart”.


That’s brazen.


The article lists some handy police tips to keeping your phone from being stolen such as –

• Pay attention to your surroundings.

• Call 911 (but they took my phone!) and be available to give police a suspect description.

• Record your serial number and provide it for a police report. This will increase the chances that the phone will be recovered.

• Install or activate a function to find your phone if it’s lost or stolen.


While these are certainly valuable tips I feel like there’s more you can be doing to protect your phone from brazen thieves.

• Create an app for your phone that causes the battery to overheat and explode on a specific voice command. If you can’t have it, nobody will! I would totally spend 1.99 on that app. Tell me you wouldn’t buy that app and have to replace your phone twice in the first month because you just had to show everybody at that party how it worked.

• Have a really shitty phone. I have the T Mobile Comet. A year ago it was $10 with a contract extension. Last week I found one at the bottom of my box of Kix. Sure, my GPS will randomly slip in some racist sentiments while giving me directions and the twitter feed actually prints out on a thin strip of paper like those old stock tickers but if it gets stolen I can just make a new one out of a potato and some wires.

• Get a wallet chain for your phone. Most of these thefts are happening in hipster infested uptown so it will totally be cool until everybody else is doing it.

• Keep your phone at home. It’s one of your most important and useful possessions so leaving it at home is really the safest option. You could even mount it to a wall for easy access and tether it to a line so it won’t get lost.

it seriously took me like twenty minutes in Gimp to make this horrible abortion of an image. Some people just aren't cut out for graphic design.




If your phone does get stolen, just swipe one from somebody near you. Apparently it’s really easy.

Taco Bell Introduces Morning Diarrhea in Test Markets.

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Look, it’s impossible to talk about Taco Bell without making a diarrhea joke so I might as well get it out of the way in the title.


Seriously, though. Taco Bell has started serving breakfast in some stores out west and hopes to have all locations slinging “FirstMeal” (yes, they’re honestly calling it that) in the next couple of years.


They’re going all out, too. They’re not just taking their regular menu of 100 meat paste / bean / cheese / tortilla items that are completely indistinguishable from each other and just throwing in some sausage and egg –


Oh God is that a breakfast crunchwrap?




They’ll be teaming up with other companies to serve stuff like Cinnabon because fuck it, you’re not eating breakfast at Taco Bell because you care about your health.


My favorite part of the USA Today article has to be where Taco Bell admits that their customers aren’t early risers. From the article – “t’s a reflection of Taco Bell’s core customers — the 18- to-20-something crowd that’s generally not up at the crack of dawn.
‘What we found is, they’re not the customer that shows up at 6 a.m. for breakfast,” Niccol said. “We can get those guys on board, they become the evangelists, and then we can start adding additional hours for people that want breakfast at 6 a.m. or 7 a.m.'” Nothing like admitting your core customer base probably doesn’t work regular hours.


As much as I joke about it, I’m totally the target market for this slop. I’ve shamelessly devoured Taco Bell in the past and I’ll do it again. I love the stuff. Hell, I’d probably eat their breakfast but it’s rare that I find myself that drunk at 9 A.M.

Conversational Spanish

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After writing about the DMV hell I went through I went back to the Hennepin County Service Center for the fourth day in a row and everything went smoothly. In and out in ten minutes. While I was relieved to finally get this passport stuff taken care of a small part of me was disappointed that the end of the story was so anticlimactic. No terrorists, ninjas, wendigos. Just me and an old lady and a bunch of forms.


Now that I have successfully applied for a passport I can now go to Mexico for the Akumal Comedy Festival sponsored by Stand Up! Records. This will be the first time I have ever visited a foreign country that isn’t Canada and I’m a little concerned that my Spanish is rusty.


By “rusty” I mean “I took Spanish in high school for two years, got a ‘D’ every semester and haven’t spoken a word of it since”.


Granted, I’ll be spending my time at a tourist resort with a bunch of other Americans and whatnot but what if I get lost? What if I find myself in a place where nobody speaks english? I’d like to brush up on my conversational Spanish before the trip in April but when I google “conversational spanish”, the websites all give me lame ass phrases like –



¿Qué tal ha estado Ud.? How have you been?

¿Cuál es la especialidad del día? What is the special today?

¿Me trae helado, por favor? May I have some ice cream, please?


“May I have some ice cream, please?” Seriously? I need phrases that I’m going to actually use when I’m in Mexico. Thank God for google translator. Let’s translate some useful phrases, shall we?


¿Es esto realmente la comida? ¿Puedo comer esto sin diarrea explosiva? Is this actually food? Can I eat this without getting explosive diarrhea?


Treinta dólares en el pollo en la esquina! Tiene los ojos de un asesino. Thirty dollars on the chicken in that corner! He’s got a killer’s eyes.


Deja la botella. Tengo que tomar la imagen del burro que mostrar fuera de mi cráneo. Leave the bottle. I need to drink the image of that donkey show out of my skull.


No sé lo que has dicho a mí, pero tan pronto como he terminado de beber la botella de tequila me voy a romper por encima de su cara de tonto.. I don’t know what you just said to me but as soon as I’m done drinking this bottle of tequila I’m going to smash it over your stupid face.


¿Quién está tratando de volver loco con, friend? ¿No sabes que estoy crazy? Who you trying to get crazy with, ese? Don’t you know I’m loco?


Hey, todos somos amigos aquí. No hay necesidad de armas de fuego. Hey, we’re all friends here. There’s no need for guns.


Por favor, no hagas esto. Tengo una familia. Please don’t do this. I have a family.


¿A dónde me llevas? Tome esta venda de los ojos! No se puede hacer esto a mí! Soy un blanco, varón americano! Where are you taking me? Take this blindfold off! You can’t do this to me! I’m a white, male American!


Que me dejen ir si puedo hacer esto para usted? ¿Qué pasa si los globos estalló cuando están en el colon? You’ll let me go if I do this for you? What if the balloons burst when they’re in my colon?


Por favor, llévame al hospital. El recto está lleno de narcóticos. Please take me to the hospital. My rectum is full of narcotics.





That should take care of it. I just hope I don’t need to visit the library. I totally forgot how to ask where that is.

Stereotypes!