Tag Archives: google

Fuck Off Friday. You Feeling Lucky?

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Bill here. I’m taking care of the FoF post today since Jena’s getting ready to roll around in the mud in Shakopee for 7 weekends in some strange pagan ritual called the Minnesota Renaissance Festival. There’s only one problem. I’m not sure what to write about. I guess the point of these is to find fun internet time wasters but all I do while Jena’s gone to the Ren Fest is eat Little Caesar’s pizza and watch shit on Hulu. A list of links to my favorite shows isn’t going to make for much of a post and nobody needs to know how much anime I watch (way too much).



Not a problem. I’ll just google some shit and do the “I feel lucky” option. Maybe do a post about the shit I find doing that.



Alright. Slight problem.



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Everytime I start to type something into the google search bar it autocompletes and the “I’m feeling lucky” bar disappears. I wonder what’ll happen if I just hit “I’m feeling lucky” without even typing anything into the search bar. Has anybody even done that? Where will the internet take me?



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Huh. When I mouse over the “I’m feeling lucky” button it does a slot machine reel into another word. What happens when I click “I feel wonderful”?



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Neat! What about when I click “I’m feeling trendy”?



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Well how about that? There seems to be plenty of choices when I mouse over. “I’m feeling artistic” will take you to the Google Cultural Institute which I didn’t even know was a thing –



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There’s tons of more “I’m feeling” choices, too. I’d say I could do this all day but once the wife and kid are gone I’m going to get a Little Caesar’s pizza and watch stuff on Hulu and Netflix until my eyes glaze over.

What Day Is It?

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I feel like there’s something I’m supposed to do today.

Hmmmmm……..

Maybe I’m missing something… I wish my friends would let me know.

What? I can call Chris Kluwe a friend. We hung out in a basement and played video games for charity. We’re like BFFs. No big deal.

If only I had some clue… something to tip me off…

Make sure to read Chris’ post in there. It’s nerd-perfect.

Okay, fine. Yes, it’s voting day. There wasn’t a moment that I didn’t know that today, because this morning, Bill woke me up with “work told us to go vote first and then we will start our workday do you wanna come vote with me huh do ya” like a little kid on Christmas morning. My original plan was to go at 2 in the afternoon because that’s when no one else will be there, but he was just so goddamned excited over this I had to say yes.

So we woke up the boy, and brought him with us to go vote. We all stood in line. Bill and I signed a piece of paper and were given tickets. We went to the next table and were told how to fill out our ballots. We went to the NEXT table and got our ballots. We sat down at a table and filled out our ballots. Then we turned in our ballots and got our stickers.

I did it all for the sticker.

Democracy, bitches.

At just about every table, people asked jokingly if Jared was voting. Honestly, it’s gotta be so dull in there, with all these serious people people being very serious about their serious duties to seriously make the serious choices. Seriously. Jokes (and the Youngs provided a couple) were probably the best “thank you” we could have given them.

When I went to vote, Jared sat next to me and I pointed out various parts of the ballot. I told him not to share, as privacy during voting is very important. We talked afterward why not voting on an amendment counts as a no. We talked about how you could bring a list of who you were going to vote for. And we talked about how important it is to vote.

It sounds like I did voting correctly, right? Like ours is pretty much the example of how you should vote? As a family, teach the next generation as I go? Proud to be participating in the greatness that is our electoral process?

Dead wrong, kids. Once I got back, I hopped on Facebook, and had this conversation with master voter Chris Olsen:

High five!

Kids, if you haven’t voted yet, please, PLEASE promise me you’ll take joy in it. We all get so jaded and so serious and so stuffy over our duty, but remember the fact that we have the right is FUCKING AWESOME! That we don’t live in a dictatorship, that no one is pointing guns at us, forcing us to “vote” for a specific person. The fact that we get to have a say in WHO is leading our country… It’s one of the best parts of being an American! We should be voting with glee!

And we should totally be going out for ice cream after. Who doesn’t like ice cream?

Communists, that’s who. Don’t be a commie. Eat ice cream!

The Crazy Shit You Weirdos Type Into Search Engines: Season Two Starts… Now!

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Damn, kids! Since I made that promise yesterday to stay away from political rants (and we all know promises made on the internet cannot be broken), I thought I’d use this time to take a look at what people are googling to get to this site as I have many times before.


“Bagel Heads” or “Japanese Bagel Heads”
This one isn’t actually that strange, since the wife did a post about the weird Japanese fashion fad but the sheer volume of searches is puzzling. Nearly 400 people in the last month came to this site looking for Japanese Bagel Heads or some disambiguation. Did Jena break that story? Is she a journalist now?



Why do People Hate 8 Crazy Nights so Much?
Because it’s the worst movie of all time ever. That’s why.



Frat Beer Bong In
I’m pretty sure they were searching for this story. Either they were too timid to type “butthole” or google autocomplete did it for them.



Catapult Illegal Aliens
Wha… What?



How to get my grandma to have sex with me
I think this one is officially the grossest search engine term we’ve had here and this is coming from a blog that get’s a half dozen search hits for “food blowjob” every week. I don’t even know what post that search led to. The worst part is now that I’ve actually typed it on the blog we’re going to get even more search engine hits and now I’ll have to start giving advise on how to seduce your grandmother just to sustain readership.



You’re all terrible, awful people.

Hot Mummy Armpits: The Continuing Tale of You Weirdos Typing Crazy Shit Into Search Engines.

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This is pretty much a monthly thing now.



Once again I dive head first into the site stats to see what google searches led people to this blog because the only thing in the news right now is the Sandusky trial and something about Russia protests. I really don’t have anything to say about Sandusky except “I hope he goes to jail forever” and I don’t know anything about Russian politics. Also, I don’t want to get on Vladimir Putin’s bad side. Does not seem like the kind of guy you want to fuck with.



There are like two dozen pics of him on his wikipedia page and all but one contain this same cold, analytic stare. The one with him smiling seems even more terrifying somehow.




But enough about the scary Russian man. Let’s see what you freaks have been typing into google!


hot mummy armpits
Jesus. The worst part is that this could be one of two things and both are gross. There’s either somebody out there with one of the most specific fetishes I’ve ever heard of (I’m into monsters but only mummies and particularly their armpits) or it’s a british dude looking for old lady armpits.


any websites that you can ask women to take their bra off
Yes. Half of the internet is those sites. It’s called porn. Do… do you not know that porn exists?


does anybody like bitches?
I like to think that this was entered by a girl who was nice but thinking of becoming a bitch but wanted to know if that was the right move.

To answer the question, no. Bitches be crazy.


chinese horizontal vagina anatomy
Okay. I kind of remember referencing something in a blog a while back about that weird old stereotype about Chinese girls having sideways vaginas but I couldn’t actually recall when I wrote about it so I actually googled “youngnotions chinese sideways vagina” (life imitates art!) and I found this piece of finely crafted political satire.

What’s weird about this one is that this search shows the user isn’t completely stupid, given their use of words like “horizontal” and “anatomy” but it shows they’re pretty stupid because they’re asking the internet if Chinese girls have sideways vaginas.


the log ride turds
…I don’t even know what this person wants.


why does my dick shine in the light
Probably because you spend so much time waxing it! Boom! High five!

Seriously though you should have a doctor check that out if it’s really shiny.


Thanks for reading, confused perverts! Hopefully you were able to have some laughs even though you didn’t get the naked sasquatch pictures you were looking for or whatever.

The Crazy Things You Weirdos Type Into Search Engines: The Legend Continues

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Once upon a time there was a boy who started a blog because he quit his job to be a stay at home stepdad / comedian and his wife said “if you’re going to be home all day you’re gonna write comedy every day.” The boy wrote the blog every weekday and soon, due to his tendency to swear excessively and write about weird topics, the blog started getting hits from google searches that were kind of weird. In fact, some were downright disturbing.


The boy started posting about those search engine hits when he got sick of making fun of republican presidential candidates and now we’re here in our 6th installment of The Things You Weirdos Type Into Search Engines



In case you missed out, here’s links to the previous installments –


Shitting While Standing Bad For Health

Foreskin Donut

I can’t stop farting and it’s affecting my job

the fuck you fuck you dairy

what is the medical term for queef?


and here’s some google search hits from the last 30 days!


south park mr hankey xxx
Okay, it’s bad enough that there’s somebody out there looking for anthropomorphic cartoon turd porn but I got two hits for this one in the same day.

youngnotions.com. Proving rule 34 right on a daily basis.


Hey, speaking of poop –


turd plane comedy
I don’t even know what this person was looking for. A comedy about a plane made out of turds? Jokes about pooping on a plane? In don’t… What?


knitted foreskin
What’s sad about this one is that it’s not even the strangest foreskin related search term that’s led to this site.


god are you there for hindus
I like that it’s not asking “Is God there for Hindus”, it’s asking “god are you there for hindus”. Like the person asking thinks google is god. They’re praying to the internet.


meat goo
I know this one came up because I did a post about pink slime in beef and called it “meat goo” but I’m sure that’s not what this person was looking for. I shudder to think what that person was looking for.


Seriously. You all should be ashamed of yourselves.

The Crazy Things You Weirdos Type Into Search Engines: Spring 2012 Issue.

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The time has come once again for me to scour the site stats for search engine hits because I can’t think of anything else to write about. I seriously love doing these posts and there’s enough crazy ass google searches leading to this blog that I could do a new one every month. For those of you new to the blog this is the fifth time I’ve done this. Click the links below for past installments of the series.


Shitting While Standing Bad For Health

Foreskin Donut

I can’t stop farting and it’s affecting my job

the fuck you fuck you dairy


Here’s a look at some of the things people type into google (or bing if you’re a tool) that leads them to the jokey musings and fart thoughts that make up youngnotions.com.


what is the medical term for queef?
I didn’t even remember writing about queefs before so I actually google searched “youngnotions queef” and found that it was a comment about queefs from a previous search engine post (thanks, Sheena!) that caused the hit. Now that I’ve typed “queef” a half dozen times I’ll probably get a lot more queef searches. Queeftastic.

Also, just for the queef of it I searched “queef” in wikipedia and there is a page for “vaginal flatulence”. It states the latin term is “flatus vaginalis” so I guess there is a medical term.



how much for a fucking box of girl scout cookies
I love the idea that there’s somebody out there who swears so much they can’t even ask the internet a question without lacing it with profanity. I’m not alone!


i want a fat wife
That’s great but this marriage has the fat husband / thin wife CBS sitcom dynamic going. Just to see how she’d react, I asked Jena what she thought of this search engine term. Her face scrunched up, she swallowed her anger and then said “I have a fat wife!”.


my littleporny
I don’t know if that porn parody exists. I’m not going to search to see if that porn parody exists. I’m just going to hope that it doesn’t exist and move on.


are chinese fire drills illegal in australia
Everybody knows that as long as it’s racist, it’s legal in Australia.



Thanks to everybody who accidentally visited the site searching for Dragon Feet (actual search engine hit) or whatever!

The Continuing Saga of You Freaks Typing Weird Shit Into Search Engines.

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Hello, Jena’s facebook friends and people searching for that girl in the “one weird trick” ad! It’s time once again for us to look into the site stats for this blog and see what people are typing into google to get here! I’ve done this time and time again and I never cease to be amazed and a little disgusted. Here we go!


the fuck u dairy dairy
I don’t know if this person is looking for some weird “rule 34” porn or if there’s an actual dairy called the Fuck You Dairy. Their motto: Fuck you! Eat some cheese.


what if i go for days without showering
Do you really need to ask google about this one? Speaking of questions with obvious answers –



will sriracha sauce make my butt hurt
Depends on where it goes in, really.



ways to make a child cry
So I guess there’s at least one person out there who wants to make a child cry but doesn’t know how? At least that person has the internet.



does god want us to yell on a street corner?
Of course he does. That’s why so many people do it.



what does $40 of herion look like picture
I just love the idea of the guy googling this to see if he got ripped off on his score just to come to this blog and find nothing but political rants and fart jokes.


Thanks for searching, weirdos! I hope you find whatever sick thing you’re looking for!

Google Racism

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A while back Jena and I wanted some Chinese food and due to a recent switch to a dairy free lifestyle, she was concerned about those little donut things she loves having milk ingredients. I went to google “are chinese donuts dairy free” but right after I typed “are chinese” google decided it had an idea of what I was looking for.


Chinese fire drills are legal but only when conducted by a certified Chinese fire marshall.




Well, looks like I just invented a new game called –


Let’s See How Racist Google Auto-Complete Can be in Only Two Words.


People don’t know if Indians should celebrate Christmas because… what?


I’m not saying Google’s an Islamophobe but I just typed “are musl” and it was all “DID YOU KNOW MUSLIMS ARE TAKING OVER THE WORLD? SHARIA LAW! VICTORIA JACKSON WAS RIGHT!


Of course Australians eat Kangaroos. That’s what Vegemite is made of, right?


Of course Eskimos spend their lives in tiny houses made of ice blocks. They also “kiss” by rubbing their noses together. They also have 30 words for racist.


Wow. That one’s actually pretty bad, Google auto-complete. You’ve officially crossed over from cutesy “ignorant grandma” racism to full blown “guy with confederate flag shirt” racism. How can I end on a high note now? Oh, I know!


Are midgets not supposed to have night vision? Is somebody concerned about this? Look at all the suggestions on yahoo! answers. There’s seriously a bunch of answer sites dedicated to the midget/night vision thing. There’s even a facebook fan page dedicated to the fact that this exists on google.



Congratulations on being weirdly racist, google! I can’t wait to see the google doodle you make for the anniversary of Birth of a Nation.

That Girl in the “One Weird Trick to Stay Asleep All Night” Ad

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My friend Brody has said that I’m obsessed with search engine terms. It’s true. I’ve certainly written enough about the subject but one search term keeps popping up frequently on the site (actually, three do but let’s not talk about “foreskin man” or “kids fuck” today).


The girl in the “One Weird Trick to Stay Asleep All Night” ad.


There’s been over 30 searches from that (or a close variant) in the last three months. For those of you who don’t read the archives back-to-front on a weekly basis, the term leads to a post I did about stupid banner ads and this is one of the ads I so hilariously lampooned.

Haven't had a single zit since I started sleeping with an egg in my mouth.




Every week at least two search engine terms looking for the identity of this girl.


Who are you?




Frankly, I don’t see the appeal. She’s not unattractive but to have so many people try to figure out more about her? Am I missing something here? It’s probably because she looks like she smokes weed. She even looks high in the picture (maybe the one weird trick to stay asleep all night is to get high). Whatever her mystique, there’s a lot of search engine terms about her leading here which means one of three things.

1.) Multiple people are looking for her and there’s little/no info about her on the internet (most likely).

2.) One person searches for her every day, hoping to find more about his mysterious dreadlock and shitty dye-job love but keeps clicking on this blog for some reason.

3.) Somebody was looking for more info on her, stumbled on this blog and thought it was funny but not funny enough to bookmark or remember the URL. Now every time he want’s to read my blog he searches for that term again. I’m the “one weird trick” guy.


Whatever the reason, the hits just keep on a coming and will probably only increase in volume since I’m dedicating an entire post to the mystery girl so as a favor to all you lovelorn folks out there wanting to know more I’ve decided to create a backstory for her.


Her name is Heather. She likes all kinds of music except country (old country is okay, though) and followed Phish around for a while. She’s all about Kevin Smith movies and totally loves to play Halo. She dropped out of college but was a philosophy major so she’s totally into having long conversations about Kant or whatever. She belongs to a kickball league. She was in a band for a while but now she just likes to jam on the acoustic guitar. Her hair is red in the picture but she dyes it different colors all the time.



Basically she’s every barista ever.



UPDATE! Ian Rans pointed out that Heather is a stock photo known as “Colorul woman”! You can purchase her stock photo here (she looks so much more high in the bigger, higher resolution pic) and here. Mystery solved!

You Weirdos Will Never Stop Typing Crazy Shit Into Search Engines.

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Welcome back to the third installment of the seemingly ongoing series “The Things You Weridos Type Into Search Engines” where I take a look at the google searches that bring people to this blog. It’s one of my favorites to write and everytime I think something like “shitting while standing bad for health”can’t be topped, the next day I get “an evil sea creature for kids shark”. Let’s see what we got just in the last 30 days.


young and naive, gay and canadian
Searching for sex or the latest Bryan Adams album? Boom! Take that, Bryan Adams!


are most female gym teachers lesbians
I’m glad this person wasn’t so prejudiced that they’d ask google if ALL female gym teachers are lesbians, just most.


men playing with their uncircumcised penis
The whole uncircumcised penis thing has been a recurring theme since I did a blog about Foreskin Man but this exact wording got three hits in a week! I actually googled it, thinking the blog would show up on the first page but I couldn’t find it in the first 20 pages. Why are so many people searching so hard for this?


I can’t stop farting and it’s affecting my job and I can’t stop farting documentary
These were two different searches on two different days. I like to think that it’s the same guy. First he got fired from his job because he farted too much and then he wanted to make a movie about it.


if you are shot in the military are you still a veteran
…what? Did some veteran think his service was invalid because he was shot in the line of duty? If you’re still reading, person who typed this, yes. You’re still a veteran. I think you even get a medal of some sort. You should probably talk to a commanding officer about that.


shower, -meteor, -meteorite, -baby, -wedding, -curtain
Rock and roll! Cola wars! I can’t take it anymore!


perverted penguin drinking beer
… I don’t… what?


I could honestly do one of these every week and not run out of material.

p.s. hey other wordpress bloggers who follow me! Leave a comment with the weirdest search engine terms you’ve found in the stats! Challenge (takes off glove, slaps you in the motherfucking face with glove)!