Tag Archives: craigslist

You Can Find Anything On Ebay, Baby.

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A couple weeks ago, YoungNotions announced that we would no longer be doing those shitty text ads advertising ways you can make money at home. We got tired of supporting products we didn’t believe in for a tenth of a Euro. I don’t even know what that translates to in American, but it’s just not worth it.

Instead, we made a Facebook post offering limited sponsor placement for people we like. I would rather our space gets used to promote products and people we believe in. YoungNotions.com is our baby, and if we’re going to sell her, we want it to be to people we like and trust.

You know. Like Misty VanHorn, who is said to have tried selling her children on Facebook to raise funds to bail her boyfriend out of jail.

“The going price was $1,000 for her 10-month-old daughter and … $4,000 for a package deal that included her 2-year-old son.” -firsttoknow.com

And now we know which child she values more.

But Misty is not the only person to attempt selling her children on the internet. A woman in Dallas tried to sell her 4 month old on Criagslist (price not listed), and just so you don’t think it’s only Americans, a German mother tried to sell her 7 month old baby on eBay starting at one Euro. She says she did it as a joke, but eBay shut her down and turned her in just the same.

And she received no bids before she was shut down. That poor baby’s self-esteem must be just awful right now.

Baby selling isn’t just for the internet. One woman tried to sell her baby for $500 at a Taco Bell (would you like that to go?) and one couple at Walmart attempted to sell their 8 month old for just $25.

You really can’t beat the prices at Walmart.

Most of these attempted sales are shitty situations, people that shouldn’t have children, selling them off for drug money. And I say let them. Obviously they shouldn’t have their children if they’re going to use. It’s a win-win.

I did try to find a story where someone sold their child for something other than drugs. I chased down an internet rumor that someone sold their child for Beyonce tickets but it turns out that was just a photoshopped headline passed around the internets for amusement. No one actually tried to sell their baby for tickets to a Beyonce concert.

Nowaygirl

Look, it’s about economics. The going rates for a baby is at least two Eric Clapton balcony seats.

Craigslist Job Ad Search: 50 Shades of Fun!

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Yesterday I was looking through the “talent” section of Craigslist job ads hoping to find an ad to send a fake reply to as I have done many times before. It’s become increasingly difficult, however, to find a job ad posting that isn’t for strippers, webcam girls or just plain’ ol’ hookers. While I am poor and would sell my dignity in a second there’s nobody buying what I’m selling. Could be that my prices are too high ($5,000 you get to see my butt. $10,000 you get to see a ball).



Trying to sift through all the requests to have hot young women sit on cakes on a webcam or whatever, I saw several creepy ads looking for an “assistant”. These were all posted on the same day within about 4 hours of each other. Here they are in order from earliest to latest –


Posted: 2013-01-29, 9:52AM CST
great pay for right female
My assistant of two years has moved to Florida so I need to fill her position asap. Your part would include, going to dinner, shopping, back rubs, looking sexy, teasing me. In return you could expect exceptional compensation. You must be very comfortable with your body and like to flaunt it. Must be very flirty and friendly. I am picky. I am a business owner in the Twin Cities and do not have time for a full blown relationship. This could turn into a full time gig for the right person. If interested you must send 3 pics of yourself and a brief descrip of why you think you would be agood fit. If you get my attention, I will email you back. Thanks!
Okay. Kinda creepy. Basically this guy wants to pay a girl to… be his flirty go-go masseuse?



Posted: 2013-01-29, 11:59AM CST
REAL DEAL! (Uptown)
You may be looking for a real gig that will help you financially! Most of the ads are unreal, and have nothing to pay. How about something real, lasting, and beneficial? Looking for a girl who is interested in an alternative arrangement that can help her financially! If interested, send a pic and let’s chat further.
Okay I don’t know if this one is from the same guy. It’s got the same feel as the other ads but it feels like it was written by a Ukranian spambot that just learned english.


Posted: 2013-01-29, 12:07PM CST
$omething Different, $omething Fun (Minneapolis)
Sometimes as a man gets older and he becomes more successful he finds that he has more opportunities to get what he wants. And sometimes a successful man would prefer an arrangement over the dating games or a traditional relationship. If you are fun, young, attractive female who likes to party and go out and have fun, then this is for you. If you would prefer a guy to take you out, spoil you, take you shopping, and just have fun than you would to a traditional relationship, then this is for you. I am an attractive white male, early 30’s, with pics to share. If you are interested in something different, fun, and unique, write me back and tell me about yourself, send me a few pics and I will reply back and do the same. Why not get what you want for once right?
Sometimes as a man gets older and he becomes more successful he finds that he can’t form an emotional bond with anybody so he pays girls to pretend to like him. Also, what’s with the dollar sign “S” in the title? You imply that the applicant will get paid because you posted this in “jobs”. The fact that you’re paying is not a selling point.


Posted: 2013-01-29, 12:16PM CST
Fun Personal Assistant Wanted (Minneapolis)
Are you young, sexy, like to meet new people, like to drink be wild and have fun, and make money while you are doing it? Successful, white, attractive businessman, early 30’s, is looking for a personal assistant to help with various services from entertaining, errands, to modeling and cleaning in a french maids outfit. This can be as fun and sexy as u want to make it. If you have always wanted to try something different you should at least give it a shot and find out, u never know, it could be alot of fun. If you are interested reply back with some pictures of you as well as any information about yourself and what you are looking for and I will get back to you with more details. Thanks.
Hold up! This is the first ad he’s actually listed any non-creepy or overtly sexual work in the ads. “Errands”? I thought he was just looking for a 40 hour a week slut but it seems he wants his personal stripper to be able to go out and get his dry cleaning every once in a while. That’s how they trick you. You start the job thinking it’s going to be easy. Some back rubs and parading around in a french maid’s outfit but eventually he’s going to want you to put on that french maid’s outfit and actually clean some shit.

Posted: 2013-01-29, 1:38PM CST
50 Shades of Fun (Minneapolis)
Successful, white, attractive businessman, early 30’s, looking to hire an attractive white female for various services and activities. If you are interested please reply back with a few pictures and a description about yourself and why you responded and what you are looking for. I will get back to you with pictures of me and more details and we can go from there. I’m sure you can figure out how this works 🙂
“Various Activities”, the “50 shades” reference. I’m sure you can figure out how this works 🙂 The last ad was the least descriptive yet somehow the creepiest.



So there you go, ladies! If you’ve ever thought of sexual harassment as a full time job, just click on any of the blue links above and a humiliating future awaits!

Craigslist Job Ad Response #2537ohwhoreallyfuckingknowsanymore: Script Writers for Training Video.

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It’s that time again, kids! I find one of the three jobs listings in the creative section of Craigslist that isn’t “shove this in your vagina on a webcam” job and submit a totally earnest response to that job listing. Today’s job is Script Writers for Training Videos (Minnesota)


Looking for freelance writers with technical writing skills but also a creative edge. Need to be able to research and write clear and interesting scripts on Safety and Human Resource topics for employee training.

Safety topics range from behavioral and awareness issues such as taking risks or shortcuts to more technical training such as operating equipment such as forklifts.
Human Resource topics range from Harassment, Diversity, Teamwork, Motivation, Customer service and more.

Scripts will be for training videos and also interactive web courses.

We’re looking for writers with a proven track record in this type of script work.

Send relevant samples only. Thank you.
Location: Minnesota
Compensation: Per Project
This is a contract job.
Principals only. Recruiters, please don’t contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.



Send a relevant sample? Well, I’ve never written a safety video script but I’m willing to give it a shot. Here goes! –


(Ext. cemetery. Fade in to a funeral. “Amazing Grace” is being played on the bagpipes as 20 people all clad in black stand over a grave site as a PRIEST reads. Zoom into a three shot of PRIEST, JESSICA and ROB. JESSICA is sobbing and ROB has his head bowed in prayer.)

PRIEST: Now, before we leave, the deceased’s coworker and friend would like to say something. Robert?

(ROB approaches head of grave)

ROB: Thank you. I was with Bruce the moment he passed. Now, I ain’t normally they type to talk in front of crowds but damn it, Bruce used his last dying breath to make sure I’d pass this on so it may not be important to you but it was important to him and it’s important to me. (a single tear runs down ROB’s cheek.) Forklift safety is no laughing matter. It all started when we were finishing our break at the warehouse.

(Flashback. Cut to Int. FW Industries warehouse. Rob and Bruce are finishing up a coffee break.)

BRUCE: …so I gave the homeless man my lunch instead. I didn’t have any cash on me anyway since I just spent all my money on this.

(BRUCE opens a ring box to show a diamond engagement ring)

ROB: So you’re finally going to ask Jessica? I’m so happy for you guys!

BRUCE: Yeah, it took me a while to save up for this but I’m not working at a nonprofit for the huge paycheck, right? Alright, we should get back to work. These boxes full of puppies won’t ship themselves to orphans.

(BRUCE hops into forklift that’s holding several stacked boxes labeled “puppies”)

ROB: Hey, Bruce. You sure you should stack that many boxes on the fork? Looks like your visibility might be impaired.

BRUCE: Don’t worry about it, buddy. How many times have I driven this thing? All I have to do is get it around those barrels then it’s just 50 feet to the truck.

(Cut to close up of stack of barrels. Each one is marked “flammable”. Cut to close up of box of puppies. One of the puppies stickes their head out of the box and whines.)

ROB: If you say so, but you should really just drive the forklift backwards if you’re load is obstructing your view.

BRUCE: (starts driving forward). Sorry, buddy. We’re running behind! Besides, I’ll just get out of the seat and lean to the side to see what’s in front of me.

(BRUCE leans out the left side of the forklift only to see the barrels right in front of him. He swerves left to avoid them and begins to tip)

ROB: Bruce! Your center of gravity changes when you try to operate the forklift from any place but the seat!

(the forklift tips on two wheels and swerves wildly, knocking over the stack of barrels and falling to the side, pinning BRUCE’s legs under it. One of the barrels ruptures as it hits the ground, spilling gallons of flammable liquid all over the floor. The liquid slowly spreads on the floor to an electrical cord laying on the ground with a frayed, exposed end. The cord shorts and a spark ignites the liquid, quickly spreading back to the other barrels which immediately explode. Boxes of flaming puppies are sent flying. Their yelps of pain ringing through the walls of the burning warehouse. ROB runs to BRUCE and douses the flames with an OSHA approved fire extinguisher. He frantically tries to lift the forklift off of BRUCE’s charred body but it’s no use.)

BRUCE: (coughs) Rob… come here… I don’t have long.

(ROB falls to his knees next to BRUCE)

ROB: Bruce! Hang in there! I already called 911 since that’s the first thing you should do in an emergency like this!

BRUCE: Thanks, but I don’t… think it’s gonna… do me much good. (BRUCE turns his head and points to a giant metal spike sticking out of the back of his skull). Wasn’t… wearing my hardhat.

ROB: Oh, God.

BRUCE: (grabs ROB by the collar, blood trickling out of the corner of his mouth). Rob! Listen! Tell everybody… Make sure they don’t make the same mistakes as me. Please! Pleaa…

(BRUCE’s grip on ROB’s collar goes limp as BRUCE’s eyes roll in the back of his head. Fade out.)

(Cut back to cemetery.)

ROB: And that’s why, for this man’s memory, for his fiancee, for their unborn child and for your own sake, everybody needs to know these things. When operating a forklift, make sure you have a clear line of sight when driving. If your load obstructs your vision, operate the forklift in reverse. Never try to operate the forklift in any place except the driver’s seat and always wear your hardhat.

(Closeup of the closed casket in the ground. Fade out as a shovelful of dirt falls on it and a 21 gun salute is fired).

Craigslist Job Posting Response Episode Whatever: Creative Writer Word Salad.

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Once again I have taken to the creative job postings section of craigslist to try to find that coveted “comedy writer – ice cream taster” position of which legends are told. I’ve searched before with no luck but I replied to one of the listings (see the listing here) anyway to feel productive.


Hi. My name is Bill Young. I’m a comedian/writer based out of Minneapolis. In response to your ad looking for a creative writer I thought I’d do something a little different. Rather than submit a resume or a sample of my writings, I will proofread your ad as my application. I’ll paste your ad here in the email and put my notes in italics (the text that slants to the right).


Conducts research to obtain factual information and authentic detail, utilizing sources such as newspaper accounts, diaries, and interviews.
Okay, first off I know that it isn’t necessary to address the reader in second or third person since, potentially, only people wanting the job will read this but it’s good form. You should start out with “Our applicants will-” or “This position requires you to-“. Let’s stick with “you” because you don’t want to bounce between second and third person. The phrase “obtain factual information and authentic detail” and everything that follows is horribly redundant. How about you make that whole chunk much shorter and concise by stating “detailed research using verifiable sources”? You don’t really need to explain every little detail of what that means. Remember, you’re looking for a creative writer. They should get it.



Reviews, submits for approval, and revises written material to meet personal standards and satisfy needs of client, publisher, director, or producer.
“Reviews” and “revises” pretty much mean the same thing in this context and “meet personal standards” can sound ambiguous so why don’t we just say “Once hired, you will (remember to address the applicant!) be responsible for editing own material”. While I’m not exactly sure of what your firm does because you didn’t really explain your company or give it’s website or even a name (hey you should do that), I assume that publishers, directors and producers are all people the writer will be generating the content for so you basically said “satisfy need of client, client, client or client”.



Selects subject or theme for writing project based on personal interest and writing specialty, or assignment from publisher, client, producer, or director.
You probably don’t need a comma before “or” since it’s a conjunction and you’re not joining two sentences together. Let’s throw “for writing project” out as well since the applicant will only be doing writing projects. How about “Our clients will give you the themes but you may select them on your own. This will be done on a project by project basis so flexibility is required.”



Develops factors, such as theme, plot, characterization, psychological analysis, historical environment, action, and dialogue, to create material.
Some more info and less redundancy would be great here. I assume from this line that your applicants may need to do some short fiction based on the whole “theme, plot, characterization etc” so just tell them that they’ll need to build short fiction from the ground up.



Writes humorous material for publication or performance, such as comedy routines, gags, comedy shows, or scripts for entertainers.
“Comedy experience in stand up and sketch preferred”. I know I’m breaking my own rule here but it’s okay to deviate from that once in a while if you’re just describing the job.


We will need to verbally speak to all our waiters, So please send your phone number.
You’re looking for waiters? If this is all a ruse to get out of work writers to sling hash then you don’t need to trick them. Most writers are also waiters anyway. If that was just a typo, remember to actually read your posting and not just rely on spellcheck because sometimes you can misspell a word into a real word. Also, “verbally speak” is again redundant so why not just say “Phone interview required before hiring”.



Writes fiction or nonfiction prose work, such as short story, novel, biography, article, descriptive or critical analysis, or essay.
There’s that comma hanging around with “or” again. “Or” also seems to be between “descriptive” and “critical”. You might want an “and” instead since “descriptive” and “critical” aren’t really opposites. It’s not one or the other.



Writes play or script for moving pictures or television, based on original ideas or adapted from fictional, historical, or narrative sources.
This seems to just be an extension of the last paragraph (only a sentence really but you’re double spacing all of them so they become paragraphs). Also, “adapted from fictional, historical, or narrative sources” covers most every type of source so just say “a variety of sources”.



Organizes material for project, plans arrangement or outline, and writes synopsis.
Ugh. This just sums up stuff that’s been covered here and there throughout the ad so far so just get rid of it.


Collaborates with other writers on specific projects.
This info seems necessary but let’s address the applicant again and tell them what they need to get the job done. “Teamwork skills necessary as you will be collaborating with other writers on certain projects.”


Confers with client, publisher, or producer to discuss development changes or revisions.
Again, we already talked about this requirement so let’s just ditch it



Please send current resume, and phone number.
There are different schools of thought on whether or not the comma is required here (the “oxford comma”) but if it’s just two things in a list you don’t need it.


There you go! I hope you like my application and if you don’t consider me I hope this helps you find more applicants in the future.


I hope they call!



(Note: I’m well aware there’s a few English majors cringing at the mistakes I made but gimme a break. It’s still a million times better than this ESL ad.)

Interview: Craigslist Rants and Raves.

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After yesterday’s interview with Matt Olson I realized a few things.



1: I think I can say, without ego, that I’m really awesome at interviewing people.

2: Interviews are super easy to write. You only have to write half an article. That’s probably why magazines had so many interviews back when they were a thing that existed.

3: We were almost out of almond milk. I was able to fix this by going to the store and buying more almond milk.


Now this won’t be all interviews, all the time but it’s nice to know if I’m running out of ideas I can always interview my 11 year old stepson or my neighbor that looks like a homeless Marc Maron. Today I’ll be interviewing the the Rants and Raves section of Craigslist.


For years, the Rants and Raves section of craigslist has been home to opinions too inflammatory to be shared on sites like facebook or twitter (due to lack of anonymity) but too stupid to be shared on sites like 4chan or reddit (even those people have standards). I sat down with Rants and Raves to talk about their life, their loves and their opinions of black people.


Bill: Thanks for taking a few minutes to talk to me. I know you must be really busy.



CLR&R: BIGGEST WASTE OF MONEY EVER, NASA SPACE PROGRAM TRILLIONS LOST ON THAT (BRIGHT PEOPLE THERE), SPEND $ TRILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO DUMP 100S OF TONS OF GARBAGE IN OUTER SPACE WHILE ACCOMPLISHING NOTHING,WHOS THE IDIOT THAT THOUGHT OF THAT? WONDER HOW MUCH CORRUPTION WAS INVOLVED, CANT SMOKE A CIG ANYWHERE BY LAW BUT EVERY LAUNCH CREATED ENOUGH SECOND HAND SMOKE EQUAL TO 500 QUAD TRILLION CIGARETTES,NO WONDER YOU CAN’T SEE STARS ANYMORE THE GOV CHOKED OFF THE SKIES SO BAD YOU CAN’T SEE EM,



Bill: You do have a point. We should be able to smoke anywhere because of spaceships. You’ve been pretty active, politically. Do you support any particular party or candidate?



CLR&R: facts. not all independent people are rich but all rich people are independent but all independent people are free , no dependent person is rich or free .

doesnt get much more self explanatory than that . i might not be rich but damned if im giving up my freedom .

...wha?





Bill: So… are you saying Kerry’s like… Dukakis? But neither of them are running this… whatever. Let’s talk about the current administration. You’ve said some pretty critical things about the president in the past.



CLR&R: The only truth (USA). The pictures tell it all.

but Hitler and Stalin were enemies in... nevermind.

wait. are you trying to say... I'm having a hard time seeing this as not racist.





Bill: Okay. It seems like part of your problem with the President is his race. Care to comment on that?



CLR&R: Tupac. Tupac Shakur ,from my understanding was just another Richie Rich spoiled litte boy whose thing was “He liked to spit on other people”. My what a great role model. No wonder somebody shot the P.O.S. And no wonder, that these other P.O.S. are getting shot on a regular basis. If it has always been like this I can see why they had lynchings . No offense meant but if thats how they act murdering assaulting robbing raping etc string them up. Thats what they did with white murdering assaultive rapists assholes who try to spit on other people.

Hey Tupac how did that spitting on people work out for ya?



Bill: Huh. Listen, we’re running out of time here so could you just kind of wrap it up with something racist, conservative, local and confusing all mashed up together?



CLR&R: Minnesota Killing Down 99% (Hooded Rat’s Welfare). lease say no to more cop’s & yes to Ziggys new playground for his overpayed and underplayed playmates. The hooded rat’s have killed 4 in two days in the twincitys. Hoodrats with asses hanging out, make we the people the asses.. Voters I.D. Gay-Rights should take the weak minded away from the real problems of the State.



Bill: Thanks. This was really fun.



CLR&R: WTF IS FACEBOOK FOR? SNOOPY PEOPLE? (I WOULDN’T GIVE EM $5 DOLLARS FOR CO). FACEBOOK ONLY FOLLOWS PEOPLE AROUND LIKE A STALKER, WHAT IS FACE BOOK FOR ANYWAY? SOCIALIZE? EVER HEAR OF A PHONE? IT’S THAT THING YOU DIAL, I SIGNED UP ONLY TO DISCOVER U CAN’T DELETE YOUR ACCOUNT SO THEY CAN FOLLOW A PERSONS PERSONAL LIFE FOREVER, I THINK IT IS JUST AN ADVERTISING ENGINE.



Bill: I’m… just going to go now.


For more information on craigslist rants and raves, ask a crazy racist.

Craigslist Job Posting: Familiar With Scientology Church?

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I was on craigslist this morning looking for ads in the talent section that didn’t involve women being filmed kicking dudes in the balls when I saw this ad in the writing section.



Familiar with Scientology Church? (Minneapolis)

I’m in need of a short paper, about 1 page long describing a Scientology church. My assignment called for me to visit a Scientology church, but I have not had the chance. I was specifically going to visit the one in st. Paul, but if you can write a short description about any Scientology church that would be fine. I was thinking of paying 30$?…willing to negotiate though…hope you can help!:)


Okay, let’s just push past the hilarious fact that this kid put out a craigslist ad for somebody to do his homework for 30 bucks because I could seriously use 30 bucks right now. While I’ve never been to the Church of Scientology in St. Paul, I’ve read some pretty disturbing shit about it on wikipedia and I saw that one episode of South Park.

Xenu!

I also tried reading Dianetics once after picking it up at a garage sale for $0.50 but gave up after 20 pages because it was a seriously boring and complicated read.


Given my extensive knowledge and exhaustive research (20 minutes of googling), I think I’m up to the task of writing what it’s like visiting the Church.


I had originally planned on visiting the Church of Scientology with the intention of taking a free tour and, if I had time, one of their “personality tests”. Upon entering the massive, ornate facility that once was home to the Science Museum of Minnesota, I strolled around the cafe and found myself in the reading room surrounded by copies of Dianetics and other works by L.Ron Hubbard, Scientology’s founder. I picked up a copy of “The Indegestible Triton” and lazily thumbed through it, chuckling a bit to myself at the campy fantasy tale.

A well groomed and cheery man approached me and said “isn’t he a great writer? You could spend hours in this reading room. I have.” He extended his hand and told me his name was Kevin. I told him I was just browsing and put the book back, commenting that this was one of the biggest “churches” I’ve ever seen. Kevin laughed and said that it wasn’t really a church but the list of people who benefited from Scientology was growing every day. He asked if I wanted to take a free personality test and I politely declined, stating that I was only here researching a school paper on Scientology.

Kevin’s eyebrows raised. “Oh? I hope you aren’t too harsh on us!” He laughed for a bit and then fell silent, staring right into my eyes. I told him that I had done some research on the religion and just wanted to see what it was like first hand. He put his hand on my shoulder and said “Well let me give you a personal tour, then.” He walked me down a hallway and pointed out a couple of large meeting rooms and a group of smaller meeting rooms that were for “auditing”. A process that he assured me that I’d find out about soon enough. He then brought me to a large, empty office. The office, he said, belonged to L. Ron Hubbard. He told me that it was there as a monument, a tribute to their late founder. Writer of all those books in the reading room just like the one I was holding earlier. “Were you enjoying ‘The Indigestible Triton?'” he asked. I shrugged and said that it was “a bit hokey” and he immediately snapped back “The Indigestible Triton is my favorite book. Let’s keep walking, shall we?”

We went upstairs and he brought me into a large, 300 seat IMAX theater. The lights were dim and it was completely empty, save us. Kevin asked me to wait for the theater for a moment because there was something he wanted to show me. He walked out and the doors to the theater slammed shut. The lights dimmed even more and the projector turned on. I called out for Kevin and his voice boomed from the projection booth “the doors are locked but don’t worry. I think you’ll find that you’ll be on the edge of your seat the whole movie!”

My eyes grew wide in horror as I realized what was about to be played. “You can’t do this! This is inhumane!”

Kevin laughed maniacally. “According to the ‘Fair Game’ policy I can use whatever tactics needed to silence the critics of Scientology! Enjoy your screening of ‘Battlefield Earth’, man-animal!”

I’m writing this down as fast as I can in hopes that I get it all before I inevitibly go insane. Those kids in the Guy Fawkes masks were right. God help me.


Now that’s an assignment worth $30!

Another Response to Craigslist Job Postings!

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Every week I search the craigslist job listings under “talent” and “tv/video/film” and while most of them are either porn companies and stip clubs looking for “talent” or student filmmakers holding open auditions for their totally artistic and not at all pretentious project, there’s always some worth responding to. Here’s the latest diamond in the rough –


TLC CASTING EXTREME CHEAPSKATES
Congratulations, Minneapolis!

This morning, you were named one of most frugal city in America. That’s excellent news for your wallet — and excellent news for everyone’s favorite cable network: TLC. Having just completed two awesome seasons of Extreme Couponing, we’re looking for another breed of thrifty genius: the Extreme Cheapskate.

Just prior to new years, we aired a special that featured a man who washed and reused his paper towels, and another who cooked and ate goat’s head all in the interest of saving a few dollars. Now, we’re excited to say that we’ll be making the topic an eight-episode series, and we’re looking for folks who have unique and smart ways to cut corners and pinch pennies.

If you’re interested in being considered, and have some amazing cost-cutting measures that other people will find amazing, don’t hesitate to get in touch with us. To see clips of the special, check out TLC’s website — there are a few videos showing the good-natured and fun look we took into people’s brilliant frugal moments.

For more information about the casting requirements, check out www.michaelpetrella.com/current — all of the relevant details are listed there, but you’re welcome to e-mail from this posting directly.

Compensation: TBD
Principals only. Recruiters, please don’t contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.



Here’s my response.



Hi, TLC! I’d say I love your network but I’m actually too cheap to get cable. It’s expensive!

I’ve actually been cheap all my life. I think I picked up the habit from my mother when I was little. She was so cheap, she would clip coupons for the dollar store. I could already tell that I was thrifty at a young age because I never even paid attention.

Now, in adulthood, I’ll do everything to save a buck. I rarely eat out. In fact, when I do go out, I’m so cheap I go to KFC and lick other people’s fingers. My eating habits at home have been affected, too. I actually found that you can save on milk by eating cereal with a fork.

I’ve taken measures around the house to pinch pennies as well. I disconnected the doorbell to lower my electric bill so when people push the button I have to stick my head out the window and yell “DING DONG”. I also never buy new appliances. My TV is so old that it has two channels. On and off. I’m actually so cheap that when somebody came over to my house and stepped on a cigarette butt I asked who turned out the heat.

I should go now. The people at the coffee shop start to ask questions if you don’t buy anything and I’ve been here for four days now. Hope to hear from you soon!

Man, I can’t wait until I’m a big time reality TV star.

Craigslist Job Postings: The Legend Continues.

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First off, thanks to everybody who linked/liked/read yesterday’s thing about cookies! Now that a bajillion people are reading this I assure you that I will sell the fuck out as fast as I am able. Maybe I could start doing those annoying blogs that randomly links to products that have nothing to do with the subject matter?


*Note to potential advertisers; I have absolutely no shame and an insatiable hunger for money.


Anyway, enough about the delicious taste of Domino’s new Stuffed Cheesy Bread. Let’s get back to what this blog is all about. Applying for shitty creative job postings on Craigslist!



When I first responded to a shitty Craigslist “talent” job post I was hoping that this could be a weekly thing and though I found a couple other job postings that were awesome/awfully response worthy, I soon found out that most of the “talent” that people were looking for on Craigslist is Bangbus wannabes like Fucktruck, Coozecruise or Chubsub (BBWs getting nailed on submarines. You may remember them from “20,000 Pounds Under the Sea.) looking for women. Seems like according to Craigslist I’m not talented because I’m not a woman who wants to have sex on camera.


Even though the prospects have been thin I still check every once and a while and I think I’ve found a good one.


Seeking Romantic Erotic Fiction For Female Audiences (Anywhere)

Stories should consist of approximately 5,000 words.

The protagonist must be female, perhaps a professional woman (not required), and having interaction with at least one male. Stories should be sexy, sophisticated, and respectful. The stories must have a Happily Ever After ending or a Happy For Now conclusion.
Each story should be written in one of three temperatures: warm, hot or scorching — and indicated as such, according to the following scale:

• Warm: just a reference to a sex toy or bedroom accessory; mild language
• Hot: may be a brief memory of prior use, or somehow an actual experience; descriptive language
• Scorching: actual use during story, perhaps even more than one; explicit language and situations

Stories may be categorized in any of the following sub-genres of erotic romance:

• Historical–takes place in the past
• Contemporary–takes place in current time period
• Multicultural–characters are ethnic
• Ménages`–characters have a relationship that consists of three partners
• Polyamorism–characters have open romantic relationships with more than one person at a time (not the same as having more than one sexual partner, but actual relationships)
• Paranormal–consists of paranormal or speculative elements

However, the following elements will not be considered in submissions:

• Bestiality
• Sex with minors (under age 18)
• Rape, in any form

We are not currently seeking M/M or F/F stories.

Submission Instructions:

• Rich Text format or .doc files, saved as StoryTitle_AuthorName
• 1″ margins all around
• Times New Roman, 12 point font

Initial responses to submissions will be made within three weeks. We look forward to reading your story.

Location: Anywhere
it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: $75


$75? Ka-ching! I’ve never done it before but I think I can write some steamy, Fabio on the cover romance geared toward a female audience.

The Countess Jacqueline DiMargeruite strolled through the stable as she made her way to her favorite horse. As a woman who came from a rich family but still works really hard so she doesn’t have to rely on her parents because she’s independent, riding her horse on the weekends is one of the few things that can relieve the stress of working a long week as a successful business woman. She eyed Juan, an ethnic man of at least 18 years, brushing the mane of one of the horses.

Jacqueline remembered a hot, brief memory of them together in the past.

She noticed he was brushing the horse’s mane too hard. “You should brush softer. Use long, slow strokes” she said. He thanked her for the good advice. Jacqueline loved the way he could take constructive criticism.

He looked up at her. “Such wisdom and such beauty. Please reconsider my offer to run away with me. I know I am just a stable boy but I’m going to college right now to get a practical degree. Something in business or whatever. I’ll be able to provide for you but you can still totally work if you want to.”

Jacqueline blushed. “You know I can’t.”

“Then make love to me, right now! I brought a flannel blanket to lay down on the hay to make it slightly less itchy.”

Jacqueline cupped Juan’s strong, ethnic chin in her hand. “I’m really not in the mood right now. I’m just so exhausted and this week has been ‘ARRRGGH’, you know?”

Juan firmly grasped her shoulders and looked her in the eyes. “Of course. I don’t want my lust for you as a woman to undermine my respect of you as a person. Your needs and desires are just as valid as mine.” Jacqueline shuddered as he leaned in close and whispered into her ear once again “Your needs and desires are just as valid as mine”. Juan stepped back. “Would you please lay down on the blanket and allow me to rub your feet? They must ache from wearing high heels all week at your job as a high powered business executive.”

She laid down on the blanket while Juan rubbed her feet for however long was enough, probably a goddamn hour. Then they watched 27 dresses on his iPad.


Pretty hot. Right, ladies? That’s just a sample, too. In chapter 3 he makes her a dinner and then does the dishes and chapter 5 is just 500 words describing him bringing a toilet seat down after using it.

Another Craigslist Job Posting!

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Hello, boys and girls! It’s time again for the craigslist job posting game! For those of you who haven’t read the previous posts, people post awful “talent” gigs on craigslist and I respond to them. It’s that simple!

Once again we go to the tv/film/video/radio jobs posting for some truely ridiculous low rent reality show fuckery.


MY STRANGE ADDICTION Now Casting! (MN/WI)

Date: 2011-11-11, 2:39PM CST

My Strange Addiction is searching for men and women with strange addictions, compulsive behaviors, and quirky habits or obsessions, who would like to share their stories on this documentary television series.

This program will explore how your addiction developed and how it has been impacting your life.

Your addiction may be serious, silly, strange, or embarrassing, but if it’s affecting your life, we’d like to help. All participants will be provided with professional medical and/or psychological insights, as best fits your situation.

If you or someone you know has a strange addiction, respond to this ad with your name, age, city/state, and a brief description of your addiction or behavior.

We understand that any addiction can be difficult to discuss, and we appreciate you sharing your story with us. All inquiries will be kept confidential. We hope to hear from you soon!





Here’s my response.


Hi. My name is Bill and I’m a 29 year old male living in Minneapolis.

I saw your ad in Craigslist asking for people with weird addictions and I’m not sure that this fits the classic terminology of “addiction” but my family has told me that I am very much addicted and in need of help. I’m a fartaholic.

I can’t stop farting. I refuse to. I fart all the time. I’m farting right now as I type this. I just think it feels good and it’s funny and I love the smell. I tailor my diet to encourage farting with what I call “the three Bs” (beans, broccoli and beer).

It’s destroying my home life. My family refuses to be in the same room as me most of the time and our heating bill is incredibly high since we need to keep a window open most of the time in the dead of winter. My job is at risk as well. I obviously don’t just fart around my coworkers in my office but I take so many restroom breaks to “let one rip” my manager has forced me to undergo drug testing because he thinks I’m sneaking off to do cocaine. I was too embarrassed to tell him the truth so I lied and said I only have one kidney and have to pee every hour.

It’s getting dangerous for me, too. I’ve started lighting my farts. It’s mesmerizing but my family’s afraid that I could get hurt. My daughter actually looked at me and said between sobs “Please don’t blow up daddy!” I don’t know what to do.

If you could help me or at least get my story out there so people like me could know they wouldn’t be alone I would be very grateful.


Oh man if I actually land this gig I may have to fart a little more than usual when the cameras are on me.

Craigslist Job Posting Friday!

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After responding to the sex blogger ad from craigslist I thought I’d make it a weekly thing to seek out and respond to craigslist creative job postings because


1. It’s really fun.
2. Craigslist has no shortage of awful “creative” job postings.


This week’s job posting is found in the “TV/Film/Video/Radio” section.


Casting: People With Animalistic Behaviors

Nothing is too bizarre. Some stories we have explored are: a man who altered himself to look like a lizard, a man living in a dog house, a woman who eats cat food.

Casting PEOPLE WITH EXTREME ANIMAL BEHAVIORS for a new documentary-style cable television series.

If you have an obsession with animals that someone in your life finds bizarre, we’d like to tell your story.

Do you know someone who Looks like animal? Lives like an animal? Acts like an animal?

We are interested in ANY animal obsession or behavior

Contact us at myprimalbehavior@gmail.com or call us toll free 1-855-animal-5.

www.myprimalbehavior.com


Here’s the email I sent to them.


I saw your ad asking for people who display “animalistic behaviors” and I think I may be doing just that. I think I’m becoming a cat. Let me explain.

I think this has been slowly building up for years but I’ve just put the pieces together recently. I’ve always been a cat lover but haven’t been able to keep any recently because I’ve developed an allergy in adulthood. Even though I don’t own cats, I have a bunch of cat toys. I buy new laser pointers almost every week and have an extensive collection of stuffed mice on strings. I even have a “stash” of catnip that I huff when nobody’s around. I know it doesn’t do anything physically but it calms me.

I’ve kept these things from my family but some behaviors are a little harder to hide. I’ve always enjoyed when my wife scratches behind my ear and anytime I’m laying down and she runs her hand down my back I involuntarily thrust my butt up in the air. This stuff has been easily explained away as weird physical ticks and even I didn’t think this was all “cat like”. Maybe I was just in denial but I couldn’t deny what happened last month.

My wife was out of town for the weekend and I was home all alone. I started to feel isolated, trapped. I felt she abandoned me and my resentment grew so much that I pooped on her pillow. I felt ashamed about what I did but I didn’t clean it up. When she got home she was shocked and all I could say was “Maybe now you’ll think twice before leaving me!”

I felt bad about what I did, though so I killed a bird with a BB gun and gave it to her as a gift.

My wife, having figured out what has been going on all these years (I even showed her my secret catnip stash), has been very supportive of my condition. She runs the can opener when dinner is ready and if I have my feet up on the coffee table she’ll spray me with a water bottle.

Let me know my story would be a good fit for your show!



I’ll keep you updated if there’s any replies. If you see any shitty job postings you’d like me to apply for, please leave a comment or email the link to bill@youngnotions.com !