I am so Fucking Burned Out on Politics

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Okay.  Here’s the deal.  I’m not going to blog about any political stuff until this election is over this week.  

 

Really.  I’m totally serious.  

 

This was started as a comedy blog but with this being an election year and the whole gay marriage issue being on the ballot I’ve been getting more and more political.  It’s been super easy, too, considering every time a Republican politician opens their mouth they say some awful, demeaning thing about rape being okay.  

 

Not talking politics will be kind of hard.  With one week to go it’s the only thing that will be on the news and people’s Facebook news feeds will be full of political bullshit.  It’s on everybody’s minds but I just can’t bring myself to post about it anymore.  You can even get sick of your favorite food if you eat it every meal.  

 

No problem.  I’ll use this time to get back to the roots of this blog.  Posting fake responses to Craigslist job ads and poop jokes.  You know, write about stuff that really matters.  

 

So there you go.  For my last political rant in the election season I’ll predict some quotes from Republican politicians about rape we’ll hear in the next 8 days.  

 

“Come on.  We all know that there’s ‘rape’ and then there’s RAPE.  There’s a difference.”

 

“Being a mother is a full time job so when you think about it, rapists are really job creators.”

 

“I’m not saying women ask for it with how they dress but those Muslim ladies are covered head to toe and there are almost no reported rapes in middle eastern countries.”

 

“Maybe they should fight back harder.  I see ads for women’s self defense classes all the time.  I’m not saying it’s all on them but rape really is a two way street.  

 

Ugh.  Fucking republicans.  

Hard or Soft, They’re all Tacos.

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I was at the grocery store this morning gathering supplies for Jena’s Video Game Party / Charity Thing and among the things I was tasked to get (chips, mountain dew, other nerd fuel) was taco stuff so she could make tacos for her teammates. When I grabbed the soft flour tortillas I wondered if I should grab some hard shell tortillas, too?



See, I hate hard shell tacos. Anybody who has talked to me for more than five minutes could tell you I’m a soft shell man. Hard shells are disgusting and unnatural in my eyes. They break and fall apart easily, going against their purpose of containing the taco ingredients and making a mess. If you manage to get the taco up to your mouth without it shattering, you’re basically shoving a landmine into your mouth, the first bite sending corn shrapnel flying to tear up the roof of your mouth. I seriously don’t understand why anybody would prefer hard shells.



I know I’m in the majority here, too. Go to any grocery store and the soft tortillas outnumber the hard 10 to 1. Taco Bell charges more for soft shell tacos and has to even sell Dorito flavored hard shell tacos to try to convert people.



I’m sure a couple of the people at this thing may think they want hard shells but soft shells are clearly the better choice. Sure, they’ll say they prefer them but really they’re choosing to like the hard shell better. I can’t see any other reason. I could never prefer a hard shell, how could anyone else?



Regardless of all of this I got a couple of hard shell packages. I think it’s wrong that they’d eat them but it’s not my place to tell people how to eat tacos, you know?



We’re all delicious on the inside.

Like an Angel with a Halo

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You guys remember when I talked about doing a Halo Marathon for charity last month? Well, tomorrow I leave my husband to his own devices for a few days while I hang out with gamers in the name of good deeds.

Previously known as Skulls for Tots.

Do you remember how I posted the other day about having an eye patch? About how I couldn’t look at a computer screen for more than half an hour at a time without getting a headache? Not to mention the total lack of depth perception?

Yeah, that hasn’t changed.

So I’m not going to be playing for hours, but I will be available for breaking the kids when they need a few minutes, and I’m going to be harassing the hell out of them while they play. I’ll still be in the room, on camera most of the time, so those of you who are stalking me, you won’t be disappointed. Also, you’ll get to see me with an eye patch. How can you NOT love that?

I’m wearing the eye patch. You just can’t see it behind all that hair.

You like the above picture? It’s a small part of a larger group picture, one of the many rewards you can earn by donating to the cause. Also, when we reach certain goals in how much we’ve raised, we make the game harder, or do ridiculous things to ourselves. For instance, If we raise $10k, all team members will spend Sunday night in formal dress.

You want to see me in a pretty dress? Donate. And watch me all weekend live! Chat with me! Convince me to do ridiculous things for money!

No, it’s not one of THOSE live cams. Perv.

Ann Coulter: Retarded.

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Ugh. Ann Coulter.







For all the politics and conservative bashing I do on this blog I’ve never really talked about Ann Coulter because she doesn’t seem real. Even the craziest republican politicians or news commentator knows not to go off and write books saying stuff like “Joe McCarthy was right!” –



You’re all Communists!





She’s like the extra strength, industrial grade conservative. Use her too much in the media and it can cause a rash but if applied as directed can effectively rile up the base.



Unfortunately it looks like Ann Coulter has not been getting enough attention or something because she totally called Obama a retard on twitter and when there was a bunch of backlash against it she did it again.



Let’s just push past the fact that this is the classic case of a kid repeating bad behavior because it got people to pay attention to her the first time. A lot of people are angry because using the “R” word is demeaning to people with disabilities but it’s cool. Ann Coulter is mentally disabled so she can use that word. She’s just taking it back for all the people with severe brain injuries that have felt the sting of that word coming hatefully off of somebody’s lips. By using the word she takes the power away from anybody who would use it against her.



Although this could cause a backlash from disabled people who would be offended that she’s trying to associate herself with them. Maybe that’s why they’re mad. I wouldn’t blame them.


Aye Aye, Captain!

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So a pirate walks into a bar with a parrot on one shoulder, a sword at his side, and an entire roll of paper towels swathed around his cranium. Everyone looks at him funny, but they are all afraid to ask. Finally the bartender approaches the pirate and says “So, um, Mr Pirate, Sir, I was wondering. I understand the parrot and the sword, but what’s with the paper towels?”

The pirate responds with a growl “Arrrr… there’s a Bounty on me head!”

I have an eye patch on. I’ve had an eye infection for over a month, and it’s not getting better. So, I asked my husband to bring home some eye patches, to keep my eye closed so it can heal properly. As he tossed me the box full of adhesives, he said “Hey- how much were those earrings?”

I said “What?”

He said “A buck an ear!”

I replied “Funny.”

He asked “Hey- what’s your favorite fast food restaurant?”

I said “Aarrrrrby’s?”

He said “That’s funny- I thought it was McDonalds.”

Funny man, my husband. He knows it’s Subway.

YARRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, it’s really hard for me to type today, what with only having one eye. The way we see things on a computer screen, we actually look through what’s being displayed. So this not having depth perception is REALLY playing a number on my ability to type.

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!”
“What do you mean?” the pirate replies, “I’m fine.”
The bartender says, “But what about that wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
“Well,” says the pirate, “We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I’m fine, really.”
“Yeah,” says the bartender, “But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands.”
“Well,” says the pirate, “We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really.”
“Oh,” says the bartender, “What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes.”
“Well,” says the pirate, “One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them–yarrgh, er, shat–in my eye.”
“So?” replied the bartender, “you don’t lose an eye from that”
Says the pirate, “You do if it’s your first day with a hook for a hand.”

On the plus side, I know what I’m going as for Halloween. A sexy pirate!

Another sexy Halloween costume from yandy.com

Wish I’d had this idea earlier. I have no idea where I’m going to get a Somolian costume this close to Halloween.

A Story Where Some People Get Terribly Lost.

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Sometimes, as a joke, before googling something on my smartphone I’ll shout the question I want to google like it’s a computer from a ’80s TV show. “Computer! Tell me where to eat!” “Computer! What’s this rash from?” “Computer! How do I get out of an awkward interaction with a homeless person?” etc. etc. This weekend I found out that’s actually the preferred method of googling for some people. Here’s what happened.



I was featuring at the Joke Joint this weekend and hanging out after the Friday Late Show. Late shows are typically smaller, drunker and rowdier than the early shows. As a rule, people who come to the 8:00 show start drinking at 8:00. People who come to the 10:30 show usually started drinking around noon. The largest group in the late show, I found out, actually came to the club by accident.



Well, they wanted to see comedy, they just came to the wrong club.



See, they wanted to go see Bill Dwyer headline at the Skyline in Appleton, Wisconsin but the person in charge of navigating just googled “Bill Comedy”, skimmed past the pages of the two dozen guys named Bill who do comedy and are more famous than me (including Bill Dwyer) and clicked on the Joke Joint’s website. Knowing that they were supposed to go to Appleton, they set off in the complete opposite direction and drove an hour and a half more than they should have.



Here’s how to get to Appleton from Wassau.





Here’s how to totally not get to Appleton from Wassau.





That right there is lost. That is Christopher Columbus lost.



I don’t want to give them too much shit about this. They were a little rowdy but overall a great crowd and they really seemed to enjoy the show.



Also, they might find this blog post if they google “how to successfully go to a place you intend to visit”, find me by googling Bill Dwyer’s address and then accidentally kick my ass while trying to apologize or something.



Oh, Wisconsin.

Move Over, Obama Girl! There’s a Way Shittier Conservative Ripoff in Town!

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When it comes to political beliefs, so much of it is debatable opinion. What I think is right for this country can be wildly different from what somebody else thinks. So little of politics is actual verifiable fact but whatever you believe there is at least one undeniable truth in politics. Republicans suck at political comedy. Don’t believe me?



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6o_3UIhK-Pw&w=420&h=315]



I’m so very sorry if you just watched that. Nobody should ever be subjected to The Half Hour News Hour but I’m trying to make a point here and I think I succeeded.



If that wasn’t example enough for you, we have this –



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yyrN17jAiDw&w=560&h=315]



That’s Paul Ryan Girl. It’s a…parody of Obama Girl I guess? I think they’re trying to be funny, right? They did a song parody of “Let’s Get Physical” because he’s into P90X and this strung out crackwhore shows up who’s supposed to be the Obama Girl but she likes Paul Ryan now? Take that, Obama Girl and Obama!



In an interview with Sean Hateity the actress said that most of the negative feedback has just been superficial stuff like she’s not as Obama Girl which is weird because there’s totally a bunch of non superficial things wrong with this. Let’s start with the fact that Paul Ryan isn’t running for President. Why no Mitt Romney Girl? Why can’t this poor guy step out of the shadow of his running mate? Is it because he doesn’t look as good shirtless or is it harder to find shirtless pics of him because of the whole Mormon underwear thing?



Not mine. Click the pic for more Arrested Development quotes on campaign pics.





Also, the Obama Girl video was an original song. This is a parody. It’s the lowest form of musical comedy. Only one person in the world gets to get away with doing parody songs and that’s Weird Al. This ain’t Weird Al.



Also Obama Girl’s way hotter.


Ain’t No Party Like a Third Party!

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I learned a couple of things yesterday:

1. Larry King is still alive –



King at the 2010 Emmys.





2. He’ll be hosting the Third Party Presidential Candidate Debate on October 23rd.



3. There’s a bunch of people running under third party tickets for president this year.



I guess I haven’t really thought about the whole third party thing this year. Usually in the last couple of decades there’s been a prominent third party candidate that gets national attention, is the butt of some jokes and is accused of being a spoiler for the losing party. First it was Ross Perot, then it was Ralph Nader and after that Ron Paul in 2008. I thought he would have kept carrying the torch this year but he’s been pretty quiet since losing the republican nomination –



Ron Paul posing at a campaign stop in 2011.





So there’s no big 3rd party contender this year to snatch up 2% of the vote but there’s still plenty of people running under endorsements from all sorts of crazy parties! Let’s get to meet them!



Gary Johnson

Not Ron Paul





Party: Libertarian.

Position: As former Governor of New Mexico, he cut taxes and spending and blah blah blah.

Weed?: Legalize it.

Chances of winning: Zip.


Jill Stein

Not Ralph Nader





Party: Green.

Position: Buncha hippie shit.

Weed?: Legalize it.

Chances of winning: As somebody who lost in campaigns for Mass. House, Secretary of Commonwealth and two nonconsecutive losing Gubernatorial campaigns, Jill has a real strong advantage of taking her experience in losing elections and bringing it to the national stage. She’s really going to lose this one hard.



Virgil Goode

Not Pat Buchanan.





Party: Constitution.

Position: Muslims=Bad. Seriously. Dude sent out a letter to his constituents when he was a Congressman about Keith Ellison swearing in on a Koran. “When I raise my hand to take the oath on Swearing In Day, I will have the Bible in my other hand. I do not subscribe to using the Koran in any way. The Muslim Representative from Minnesota was elected by the voters of that district and if American citizens don’t wake up and adopt the Virgil Goode position on immigration there will likely be many more Muslims elected to office and demanding the use of the Koran.”

Weed?: Unsure but he hangs with libertarians so he’d probably legalize it.

Chances of winning: Zilch.


Rocky Anderson

Not Green Lantern.




Party: Justice.

Wait, like the Justice League?: I fucking wish.

Position: Occupy Wall Street.

Weed?: Legalize it, duh.

Chances of winning: Zero.


There you have it! These four patriots will face off in a debate and it can be seen exlusively on ora.tv! Tune in on October 23rd where I’m sure Larry King will start every question with “Okay, let’s just pretend for a moment that you have a chance of winning. Now…”



Honestly, I hope they just spend the entire debate all talking about how they think weed is totally awesome.

Happy Anniversary!!

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I’m sick. Really sick. Freezing under a pile of blankets while sweating sick.

And it’s mine and Bill’s 2 year anniversary. We’ve been married 2 years today. We’ve been together over 4 years.

I planned on blogging about it today, but I’m really sick. My brain is like a mush of can’t think. I just woke up from my second nap of the day, and I’m ready for another.

What was I talking about again?

OH! Bill. Gosh, I really like that guy. I like him a lot. So much that I married him 2 years ago. It’s been a good two years, too.

Sorry- I’m back. I had to run to the bathroom. Seriously, kids. I am really sick.

The thing is, last year on our anniversary, he made this incredible post about how I stole his engagement idea. For Valentines day, he made me a thoughtful card and posted it. For my birthday, he talked about how awesome I am. I wanted to do the same for him today.

I wanted to talk about our courtship. How we met at an open mic, and how impressed I was with how little ego he seemed to have for a stand up. How I enjoyed hanging out with him at Monday Night Comedy Show, and how we would tease each other, but just as friends. How he asked me on Facebook chat to tell me if I ever had a crush on him, and then I said that I had. He didn’t ask me out then, so I figure my shot was over. And then the next night, as I was lamenting the lack of gentlemen in the world, he told me he was one and asked if he could prove it to me.

I was going to talk about our first official date, where we got super dressed up and went to the CC Club. How I got buffalo sauce in my eye, and then he impressed me with his sweet nerd skills in Galaga. How we went back to my place, and just talked for hours. And made out a little.

I was going to talk about the first time he told me he loved me. He said he opposite of hated me, and I told him that was indifference, and then we argued over what the opposite of hate was, and he pulled out a thesaurus, and showed me the antonym for hate was love. And then I said I opposite of hated him, too.

I was going to talk about how, when I told him I just had a sweet idea for a Fringe show, and applications were due in 5 days, and I had no money… how he encouraged me to apply to Fringe, and to apply for a deferment of payment, and that he believed in my ability to produce a show. And how, when I produced that show, he was there every step of the way, running for me, playing stage manager, and just supporting me when it all became too much.

I was going to talk about how wonderful it is to write with him… how we both approach comedy differently and can come together to write a sketch that is a thousand times better than what we could do separately.

And how awesome it is that we share a blog.

And how he makes me chicken soup when I’m sick.

But you guys… I can’t do it any justice. I want to talk about these things, not just mention them and that they happened, but nothing I can think to say is good enough. Nothing really shows how incredible and amazing Bill is, or how absolutely wonderful our marriage. None of my words are good enough.

When we got married 2 years ago, and a comedy show host had us vow for better or worse, in good and in bad, through sickness and health…. as long as we both shall live.

Bill, you’re stuck with me and my sickness. You vowed it, sucker. As an anniversary present this year, I got you some snot blown into a tissue. I made it myself.

Happy anniversary!

I’ve Got a Case of the Goddamned Mondays

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I know- I’m a homemaker. Mondays shouldn’t affect me anymore. When I took the gig, I was looking forward to not having to roll out of bed at 7 in the morning so I could get to work at 9, drink a bunch of tar that passes for something coffee like, and then walk people through creating desktop shortcuts. A typical conversation would have me saying “No, I want you to right click on the desktop. No, not the computer icon. Yes, that’s right. Right click on the picture of your cat.”

Look, if you could figure out how to change the wallpaper on your desktop to a picture of your cat, you should know what your desktop is. Hell, you probably right-clicked your desktop and went to properties to change your wallpaper in the first place.

LOLcats on a Monday morning. See, it’s funny ’cause cats don’t have jobs or drink coffee, but people do.

The point is, I left all that to spend days home, working on projects, helping my son school on-line, and keeping my home clean and cooking meals for my man. LIKE ANY GOOD WOMAN SHOULD.

But what really happens is that I get out of bed at 8, make breakfast for Jared and get him ready for school which he starts at 9, figure out the schooling for the day, and then I stare blankly at my computer screen trying to figure out what blog post I’m making for the day.

Ahem.

And still, Mondays are the worst. I spent all day yesterday curled up with my husband watching Parks and Rec, and now you’re telling me I have to deal with Monday again? Seriously, fuck Mondays.

And by Mondays, I do not mean black people.

Yeah, I know everyone else learned this a few months ago, but I’m just now catching up. If you have been living under a rock with me, this is for you. Monday = African American ethnic slur. For more on this, we turn to on the scene ace reporter Russell Peters:
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nnc6Asflzq8]

To be fair, if you’re going to be insulting, calling someone a Monday is possibly the worst day of the week you could throw at them. I mean, I really can’t think of a better day of the week to throw at someone.

There. the post is done. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go back to drinking coffee and looking at cute pictures of cats. Just not black ones.

What? It’s because they’re bad luck.

Racist.