Category Archives: Uncategorized

Gay Marriage: A Slippery Slope

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Minnesota has now had a full day of Gay Marriage and frogs have not rained from the sky. While God has not rained immediate destruction I do need to warn you all that gay marriage is a slippery slope. A slippery slope to what, you ask?



Global thermonuclear destruction.



It’s true. I wrote this piece a few years ago but decided to dig it up and repost it because I feel it’s still relevant as ever, especially with marriage equality gaining traction around the nation.


It starts off innocent enough. The government will eventually cave and gay marriage will be written into the constitution. For the first six months or so humanity will breathe a sigh of relief when no biblical apocalypse arrives when society allows two people of the same sex who love each other to marry. That’s when they come.



Thousands of mountain men from the Appalachians and Ozarks will come streaming down from their shanties demanding their god given right to marry their only true companions in their lonely mountain life. Their pets. The stench of moonshine will envelop Washington D.C. as thousands of grizzled, suspender clad men march in protest. Congress will ironically shout “get off our land!” but their cries shall fall upon deaf ears. Public opinion will sway in favor of the animal betrothed rednecks when networks begin airing hip, cosmopolitan mountain bestiality friendly sitcoms like “Oakie and Whiskers”. Celebratory musket fire will be heard all around the country as Congress amends the Constituion to allow the union.



Seeing the trend and deciding to save time, Congress stipulates in the bill that animals can also marry each other. Dogs begin marrying cats. Cats begin marrying mice. Police stations all around the nation are flooded with domestic dispute reports as hunting instincts are proven stronger than marriage vows. With the police occupied, over 100,000 registered necrophiliacs (source: 2010 U.S. Census) take to the graveyards with shovels and engagement rings.



Martial law is declared as Anarchy rules the streets. High ranking military officers, stressed and frustrated by the lack of support from their wives, petition to marry their nuclear arsenal. Six months later another amendment is passed and every honeymoon hotspot in the world is decimated by accidental triggering of nuclear missles.
This, my friends, is why we must never allow two people of the same gender that love each other to get a piece of paper that says they’re married.



For a list of my sources, please read the Bible.

CNN Comments Superstar: Proud Texan.

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I read a lot of news on the internet. Usually it’s to look for stuff to talk about on my posts but even on days I’m not writing something I’ll check around 5 different sites a day. With all the news articles I read, though, I’ve never once been compelled to comment. I really don’t understand why these sites have comments sections on some articles. I get how it could come in handy for editorials but I really don’t give a shit what the entire internet thinks about straight up news articles.



That being said, I absolutely love reading the comments on some news articles. I think I can say without hyperbole that anybody who has a user profile on a major news site and comments regularly on articles is a bratty, whiny social pariah who will say the most offensive things they can possibly think of in hopes to get a little attention because they aren’t interesting enough to get people to pay attention to them in real life.



For example…



I was reading an article on CNN about a Chinese tourist recently arrested for throwing green paint on various monuments and somebody posted this comment –



First thought: He's probably trolling. Second thought: Wait that's actually pretty common logic for a Texan.

First thought: He’s probably trolling. Second thought: Wait that’s actually pretty common logic for a Texan.





kids love memes.

kids love memes.





Some people on the thread tried to explain to him that China doesn’t execute Americans for graffiti because they don’t know how internet comment threads work. He replied with –



at this point he should just link a youtube video of him putting his fingers in his ears and screaming "LALALALALALALA"

at this point he should just link a youtube video of him putting his fingers in his ears and screaming “LALALALALALALA”





Oh and because it had been almost 20 comments and nobody said “abortion” –



Is there an abortion equivalent to Godwin's law? There should be.

Is there an abortion equivalent to Godwin’s law? There should be.





After seeing this I had to see if he posted on other threads. Luckily that Texas flag avatar stands out and I could quickly scroll through stuff to see where else he had posted. Turns out he’s quite prolific. Found him on an article about the Bradley Manning verdict –



Oh, that's your solution for everything.

Oh, that’s your solution for everything.





Then things took a bit of a turn that was even dark for a guy who seems like he’d execute somebody for a late library book. Once Muslims entered the picture he really stepped up his game. Here’s an article about a Saudi blogger imprisoned for insulting Islam –



and what a shining example of "civilized society" you are, Proud Texan.

and what a shining example of “civilized society” you are, Proud Texan.





but... how would they do this to our country? I don't... what?

but… how would they do this to our country? I don’t… what?





Nothing makes the world better like some good ol' genocide.

Nothing makes the world better like some good ol’ genocide.





Seems he has a bit of a reputation on CNN –



let's be fair. He only wanted to exterminate Chinese vandals.

let’s be fair. He only wanted to exterminate Chinese vandals.





Ugh. Why doesn’t this guy go to the Fox News comment sections? He’d be much happier there in his natural habitat.

Denson and Young Preparedness Level: Mostly.

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The Minnesota Fringe Festival starts this week and Denson & Young’s show Dick & Fart Jokes in the Key of F opens this Friday at the Rarig Proscenium theater! It’s been a long road of hard work and preparation since we started writing the script in 1993 but we’re finally prepared. The lines have been memorized, places are blocked, set pieces painted, the costumes are bedazzled, the city officials have been bribed, the cards have been strewn across theaters around the twin cities, the instruments are oiled, the alligators are trained, the actors have been tazed, the witches have been burned, the little people have been apologized to, the elder gods have been awakened and the steroids have been injected!



In case you’re wondering what the show will be like, here’s a little preview we did for the Fringe for All –







and here’s the director’s notes we just dictated to our secretary to be put in the programs –




We would like to personally thank you for coming to our show but we’re much too busy so hopefully this note in the program will do. This show you’re about to see (or had seen all those years ago if you’re sifting through that shoebox in your closet that has the words “fond memories” written on it) is largely inspired by true events and mainly adapted from the Denson & Young Japanese manga. Some slight changes had to be made due to the limitations of the Fringe Festival’s insurance and our own budget restrictions. While those who know the story may be disappointed that the elephant jousting and flamethrower duel had to be cut, the spirit of the story remains the same. If you would like to learn more about Denson & Young, there is a little music store in an alley off of Rue Nationale in Congolin, France. In the music store is an old bowlback mandolin. Break the mandolin open and inside is a copy of our autobiography. This autobiography is also available at Barnes and Noble and Amazon.com.



What else can you expect? I’m not exactly sure, I’m not off book yet! Come on down, see the show and let Denson & Young give your soul a Swedish massage with music.

The Pope Said What About Who This Time?

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Francis isn’t your homophobic, anti-intellectual, draconian great grandfather’s Pope.



First he stunned the world by stating that atheists are OK as long as they’re good people. Now he said that gays are cool, too.



Well, not exactly. When asked about homosexuals becoming priests and the supposed “gay lobby” at the Vatican, he said “When I meet a gay person, I have to distinguish between their being gay and being part of a lobby. If they accept the Lord and have goodwill, who am I to judge them? They shouldn’t be marginalized. The tendency (to homosexuality) is not the problem … they’re our brothers.”



Granted, he didn’t come out and say “homosexuality is not a sin”. Homosexuality is still considered a sin in the eyes of Catholicism and it could be construed that the only way out is to become a priest and not have sex at all but this is still a step in the right direction and EXTREMELY open minded by Catholic standards.



While many are applauding his progressive-by-comparison views, facebook and twitter are full of people who think they know the Pope’s job better than the Pope –



There's a lot of armchair popes out there.

There’s a lot of armchair popes out there.





I’m glad that Francis seems to be taking the Church in a new direction but I think he should be careful. He’s doing what no Pope has done before and there’s a reason it hasn’t been done before. You know what they did with the last non-judgemental guy who tried to preach unconditional love and forgiveness?



didn't end well.

didn’t end well.

Fuck Off Friday: Chain Reaction

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Bill’s done all of the posting this week, since I’ve been working on my Fringe shows. My 6 Fringe shows. Because I’m dumb.

I love it. I love being busy with all the projects… creating and making and producing. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

But it can get stressful. And sometimes you need to take a break from going over lines/tweaking a dance routine/editing your one woman show.

Chain Reaction Games. I love them. You just click once and let the game do the rest of the work. It’s a spacial and intuition recognition style of play that lets my brain work passively. It’s relaxing but on the ready all at once.

My favorite is Boomshine. It’s got relaxing music and pretty colors.

Here’s a list of others with no explination cause I have to get back to Fringe stuff:

Chaos Theory
Starshine
Icy Fishes
Chain of Fire
Nova Chain

I have to close this post with a conversation I overheard today while on my front porch editing my one woman Fringe show like an Uptown hipster artist douchebag. I fit the mold well, but that’s not why I live in uptown. I live in uptown because we get a lot of visitors, and they have fun conversations like this:

Dude 1: She doesn’t like you; you need to get over it.
Dude 2: Yeah, it’s not like she owes you or anything. Feminism and shit. Don’t make her uncomfortable.
Dude 1: I was thinking more that it’s not good for HIM to keep on after. She’s a tough chick that can say as much. Well and she has. You need to back the fuck off because that’s what a man does. Respect her no. Also, pineing makes you sound like a whiny bitch
Dude 3: Hey!
Dude 2: yeah- like that.

I love living in Uptown so hard.

Just When you Thought it was Safe to go Back Into the Tornado

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I haven’t seen Sharknado yet.



"Enough Said!" Jesus. Even the poster's snarky.

“Enough Said!” Jesus. Even the poster’s snarky.





In fact, I haven’t seen any of Syfy’s original so-shitty-it’s-hilarious B movies like Mansquito or Bearvalanche (that last one might have just been a nightmare I had). Not because I think I’m above that sort of stuff. In fact, I’d probably love these movies. I just don’t have cable.



Syfy’s done plenty of these types of movies but Sharknado has really taken the internet by sharkstorm for some reason. Probably because it has Tara Reid. Everybody loves Tara Reid.



One of the biggest circulating jokes is thinking of possible sequels or Sharknado. My favorite that I’ve seen so far: Sharkcano –



image source: buzzfeed

image source: buzzfeed





The problem is people have it all wrong. They’re creating sequels with sharks in other things when the real star of the movie was the tornado. Why not have this for a sequel-



WHORENADO
A tornado passes over the French Quarter of New Orleans during Mardi Gras, sucking up dozens of drunken sorority girls mid-flash. These girls really go wild as the tornado flings them around town as people die from blunt force injuries and bead strangulation while many others receive Herpes.



Where’s that fake movie poster?

The Royal Baby Has Arrived! But What’s his Name?

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Prince William of England and his wife, the Duchess of Cambridge have brought a healthy baby boy that is 3rd
in line for the throne. While many babies are born every single minute the world has become absolutely enraptured with this one who has come into the world guaranteed a complete life of luxury because one day he will automatically asssume a job that is completely ceremonial. While the baby has been born, the prince and duchess have yet to tell the world the royal child’s name. Here’s just a few of the possible names that the pair may bestow on the future king.



William II, Electric Boogaloo



Ralph



Joffrey



Arthur



Harry Potter



Wenceslas



Koopa



Pope



Kong



Faraday



We’ll keep you posted with up to the minute news on the royal baby as there is nothing more important going on in the world.

Can’t Stop, Won’t Stop Inviting You to my Fringe Show.

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If you interact with me at all online through facebook, twitter or friendster then you know that I am doing a show at the Minnesota Fringe Festival this year



click the horse for more info!

click the horse for more info!





You know I’m doing a show at the fringe because I and every other cast member has sent you an event invite on facebook, posted pictures promoting the show, talked about it, given you a postcard, hired a plane to write a message in the sky and broken into your house and whispered about the show into your ear as you slept so you’ll have a subconscious desire to go to the show. Yesterday’s post about the rape victim in Dubai was actually just an anagram of the long show description for D&Y.



I want you to know that I’m only doing all this because I love you. There’s over 5,300 shows to choose from at the Minnesota Fringe Festival and I just want to make sure you get your money’s worth. If you don’t see my show then you might get stuck watching a show like this –



wait... that's Jen's show. Go see that one, too (click for more info!)

wait… that’s Jen’s show. Go see that one, too (click for more info!)





As much as I’d love to say that I’ll be less annoying about pimping my fringe show, it’s only going to get worse between now and August 10th. Don’t worry, though. After that I’ll stop posting about my Dick and Fart comedy show and go back to simply making dick and fart jokes on social networks.

Dangerous Rape Victim Released From Dubai Prison.

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In a bizzare turn of events, the Vice President of the United Arab Emirates has given a full pardon to Marte Deborah Dalelv, the Norwegian criminal who was apprehended by the authorities after showing up to a police station and reporting that she had been raped. .



The decision to pardon the rape victim have stunned residents of the UAE, a country where rape victims are generally imprisioned or fined without issue.



The rape victim has said she will return home to Norway but was told that she is free to stay in the UAE as long as she no longer tries to tell people if she is sexually assaulted.



While a majority of UAE residents believe this is an isolated incident, a growing number of residents are becoming afraid that this may embolden more women may try to report rapes.



Men normally have nothing to fear from a woman reporting a rape, as the woman can be charged with many different crimes for reporting sexual assault. Anything from making false statement to drinking alcohol or having sex outside of a marriage. However, as was in the case of Marte Deborah Dalelv, her rapist also had to be imprisoned for drinking alcohol and sex outside a marriage. Had he been sober and unmarried he would have merely been charged with the much less severe crime of “illegal sex”. He could even deny that they had sex and he would be charged with nothing.



While Dubai residents are relieved that the rapist has been released from his unjust imprisionment, many are worried that there’s a rape victim roaming the streets. Some activists are calling on the Federal Supreme Council to pass a law to create a sex offense victim registry database to keep track of these dangerous individuals and to alert residents when a rape victim moves into their neighboorhood.



Others are determined to not let fear of rape victims run their lives. One citizen was quoted as saying “I’ve been raping my whole life and I’m not going to stop because I’m afraid I’ll get reported. As soon as you stop raping, that’s when the rape victims win.”

Fuck Off Friday: Interpretive Dance

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Many years ago, I used to do “theatrical Christian ministries.” That was actually my plan- to become a minister with a theatrical focus and produce ALL the passion plays.

Funny how having a baby out of wedlock can change your focus.

Anyway, a part of the theatrical ministries was pantomime. A kind of acting out the verses of the song. It was super easy to do with 90’s Christian rock. DC Talk, Newsboys, and Michael W Smith were my favorites. Lots of imagery. Carmen has imagery too, but he’s a lot more brimstone and anger than I generally like in my ministries.

Also, it’s really hard to get hell fire down just right in pantomime. It looses something.

One of my favorites was to take a contemporary love song and perform it as pantomime for my congregation. I had helped to start a contemporary worship service at my church, and these pantomimes were a big hit with the mid-twenties adults trying to stay cool with Christ. I also learned you can take any Bryan Adams song and pantomime the crucifixion to it.

Go ahead- try it. I’ll wait.

See? “I would die for you.” Because Jesus.

Anyway, I bring this up because a friend of mine recently discovered David Armand. Also known by the character name Johann Lippowitz when performing pantomime, Armand is an absolute genius of a physical comedian.

Now, what I grew up calling pantomime, he’s calling interpretive dance. Call it whatever you want- the man is hilarious. He’s been on WonderVision:

He’s been on the British improv show “Fast and Loose” in his own segment Interpretive Dance

b

And he performed “Torn” on stage live with Natalie Imbruglia at the 2006 Secret Policeman’s Ball for Amnesty International.

So go check him out! Oh, and for you kids who can’t youTube at work but still want to waste some time, head on over to ihatemimes.com and see how far you can launch a mime with Mime Mayhem.

Cause interpretive dance is really just shitty mime to music anyway.