Winter Olympics Boycott.

Posted on August 13, 2013 by Bill

The 2014 Winter Olympic games will be held in Sochi, Russia. Russia seemed like a natural pick since the country has a rich tradition of inventing winter games like “Die in Cold Alone” and “Ration the Potato” but many people are unhappy with the decision. Ever since Russia recently enacted draconian legislation banning the “promotion of homosexuality to minors”, life has been hell on earth for GLBT people there. Pride rallies are turning violent with police brutality becoming the norm, gay people are being beaten in the streets, some people are even filming the beatings and posting it online and law enforcement is doing nothing to stop this.

This is awful, but this won’t stop me from watching the Winter Olympics, it’s just changing the reason I don’t watch the Winter Olympics.

The winter games are so goddamn boring. The most exciting sport they have is basically the downhill cuddle –

and their most boring sport actually involves cleaning –

So yeah, I wasn’t about to watch the Winter Olympics anyway but if it will help raise awareness of the horrible injustice happening against GLBT people in Russia then I’ll totally say it’s because of a boycott.

It’s not always easy being an activist. Except this time. This time being an activist is the easiest thing in the world.

We’re Running Out of Things to Make Expensive.

Posted on August 8, 2013 by Bill

A couple of weeks ago I saw a story on my facebook feed for a restaurant in L.A. that has a 45 page water menu and a “water sommelier”. I put quotations around “water sommelier” because that’s just a thing they made up and not a real profession.

The same restaurant came up on my newsfeed today with a different article and I wanted to write about it but what do you say? Obviously it’s bullshit. There was even an episode of Bullshit! dedicated to bottled water. A Norwegian news station reported that Voss water is basically tap water and a writer for Jezebel did a $12 “water flight” and reported that two of the waters tasted like water and the third tasted like shit.

This is nothing new. Bottled water has been fooling consumers and cluttering landfills for over a decade, some guy just figured how to increase the profit margin on it. The problem is I’m having a hard time thinking of a parody thing to compare it to. Like, what cheap thing could you jack up the price on to satirize this? My first thought was air but Oxygen Bars was a fad that died out years ago. I once knew a lady that threw birthday parties for dogs and made a ton of money off of it. Shitty jeans cost more money than sturdy ones. Rich idiots will pay for anything if you market it correctly and we’re running out of things to “expensify”.

The only thing I can think of that hasn’t been done is garbage. Like, charge people a bunch of money to buy garbage food.

Stay with me, here.

The first instinct is to market it as homeless chic but that won’t attract people. You have to convince them that food being in the garbage actually makes it better. You could say that pairing different foods in different garbage cans produces different taste combinations. Much like European cheese with maggots is considered a delicacy, the more flies that have had their way with your food, the better.

The garbage will be all locally sourced and is, by default, 100% recycled.

Okay this started as a joke but if I can get an investor in on this we could become insanely rich (almost went with the “filthy rich” pun but decided against it).

Eat my trash!

Security Flaw in Google Chrome Discovered.

Posted on August 7, 2013 by Bill

The Huffington Post recently reported it’s much easier to get somebody’s passwords than you think. All you need to do is go into their google chrome settings via chrome://settings/passwords and all your saved passwords will be displayed. Personally, I never have Chrome save my passwords anyway since I only have one easy to remember password (pissparty69) but this could spell trouble for people who save sensitive passwords on chrome and let people they don’t completely trust use their computer.

This is just one of the many security flaws that have popped up for Chrome over the years. Here’s just a few of the flaws that it’s had in the past that google has since fixed.

Pressing alt+f7 with browser open turned webcam on whenever adult content is playing and sends a link to the streaming video to everybody in your gmail contacts.

Any 16 digit number copied onto clipboard set to default paste.

All twitter DMs sent from verified accounts forwarded to Gawker.

Google+ showed google search history during the two weeks everybody used google+

ctrl+shift+b posts to every social network that you’re logged into that you’re totally searching in incognito mode.

Googling “pressure cooker” would send police to your home to question you (oh wait that actually happened).

When questioned about fixing the flaw, a representative from google rolled his eyes, made a jerking motion with his fist and said that they were going to get right on that because they really feared losing users to Internet Explorer.

Newly Unveiled Lab Grown Hamburger is Single Greatest Threat to Humanity.

Posted on August 5, 2013 by Bill

Scientists have recently grown a batch of hamburger meat in-vitro. If production could be scaled up and cost driven down, lab grown meat could replace beef from cattle altogether. This could potentially be great news for the environment as the 1.3 billion cattle on the planet use a lot of water and produce tons of greenhouse gases through the production of methane.

That’s right. Cow farts are killing this planet. True story.

While this could be a great sign for the environment this could potentially spell disaster for humanity. We, as a species, need to keep eating cows if we’re to survive.

Cattle were one of the first animals to be domesticated by humans about 10,000 years ago. Why were they among the first species to be domesticated by early man? Because they were the greatest threat.

People knew the danger posed by cattle if they weren’t tamed. These are 1500 pound beasts with horns we’re talking about. By keeping them docile, penned and full of antibiotics we’re safe but once the need for old fashioned meat dies out these cows and bulls will be released into the wild. With nobody to keep them penned up and fed they’ll have to wander further and further for food, all that walking turning fat into lean muscle. Without careful, supervised breeding taking place different breeds will reproduce. Individual traits from the breeds will mix making stronger, more resilient offspring. After just a few years the gentle giants we so graciously released into the wild will turn from this –

aaawwwwwww.

to this –

Holy shit!

These reawakened beasts will storm our cities, remembering the millennia of torture and confinement we’ve inflicted on them. They’ll tie up the testicles of the men and ride around on their backs while squeezing the milk out of the women’s breasts. The only people who will be spared will be the Hindus who have been kissing the cows’ asses, knowing this day may very well come.

Please. Eat as many hamburgers as you can. For the love of God, eat meat if you want humanity to live!

Five Fringe Shows I Would See Based on Title/Image Alone

Posted on August 2, 2013 by Bill

With 176 shows to choose from and limited time and budget, it can be hard to choose which Fringe shows to go see. Do you wait a couple of days for reviews to start rolling in? See shows from people you’ve seen before and trust? Only go to shows that have the nudity warning? Buy a five show punch card and see my show five times?

you can see our show as many times as you like. I won’t stop you.

Why not just judge a book by it’s cover and pick a show based on how interesting it sounds from it’s title or if it has a cool show image on the
Fringe website? Here’s my pics –

Professor Hotrail and the Time Travelling Meth Lab!

you had me at tweaked-out puppets and time travelling meth lab

The Vindlevoss Family Circus Spectacular!

Nothing to see here, just a zombie carrying a bearded lady

To Mars With Tesla or The Interplanetary Machinations of Evil Thomas Edison

Hopefully they have one of those things that shoots electricity between two antennae. Probably not but fingers crossed!

Centipede! The Musical

The one thing that was missing from Human Centipede? Songs.

Yelling at Bananas in Whole Foods

I’m sure that there’s more than just a guy yelling at bananas but I’d totally see a show of just this guy yelling at bananas.

Happy Fringing!

Gay Marriage: A Slippery Slope

Posted on August 1, 2013 by Bill

Minnesota has now had a full day of Gay Marriage and frogs have not rained from the sky. While God has not rained immediate destruction I do need to warn you all that gay marriage is a slippery slope. A slippery slope to what, you ask?

Global thermonuclear destruction.

It’s true. I wrote this piece a few years ago but decided to dig it up and repost it because I feel it’s still relevant as ever, especially with marriage equality gaining traction around the nation.

It starts off innocent enough. The government will eventually cave and gay marriage will be written into the constitution. For the first six months or so humanity will breathe a sigh of relief when no biblical apocalypse arrives when society allows two people of the same sex who love each other to marry. That’s when they come.

Thousands of mountain men from the Appalachians and Ozarks will come streaming down from their shanties demanding their god given right to marry their only true companions in their lonely mountain life. Their pets. The stench of moonshine will envelop Washington D.C. as thousands of grizzled, suspender clad men march in protest. Congress will ironically shout “get off our land!” but their cries shall fall upon deaf ears. Public opinion will sway in favor of the animal betrothed rednecks when networks begin airing hip, cosmopolitan mountain bestiality friendly sitcoms like “Oakie and Whiskers”. Celebratory musket fire will be heard all around the country as Congress amends the Constituion to allow the union.

Seeing the trend and deciding to save time, Congress stipulates in the bill that animals can also marry each other. Dogs begin marrying cats. Cats begin marrying mice. Police stations all around the nation are flooded with domestic dispute reports as hunting instincts are proven stronger than marriage vows. With the police occupied, over 100,000 registered necrophiliacs (source: 2010 U.S. Census) take to the graveyards with shovels and engagement rings.

Martial law is declared as Anarchy rules the streets. High ranking military officers, stressed and frustrated by the lack of support from their wives, petition to marry their nuclear arsenal. Six months later another amendment is passed and every honeymoon hotspot in the world is decimated by accidental triggering of nuclear missles.
This, my friends, is why we must never allow two people of the same gender that love each other to get a piece of paper that says they’re married.

For a list of my sources, please read the Bible.

CNN Comments Superstar: Proud Texan.

Posted on July 31, 2013 by Bill

I read a lot of news on the internet. Usually it’s to look for stuff to talk about on my posts but even on days I’m not writing something I’ll check around 5 different sites a day. With all the news articles I read, though, I’ve never once been compelled to comment. I really don’t understand why these sites have comments sections on some articles. I get how it could come in handy for editorials but I really don’t give a shit what the entire internet thinks about straight up news articles.

That being said, I absolutely love reading the comments on some news articles. I think I can say without hyperbole that anybody who has a user profile on a major news site and comments regularly on articles is a bratty, whiny social pariah who will say the most offensive things they can possibly think of in hopes to get a little attention because they aren’t interesting enough to get people to pay attention to them in real life.

For example…

I was reading an article on CNN about a Chinese tourist recently arrested for throwing green paint on various monuments and somebody posted this comment –

First thought: He’s probably trolling. Second thought: Wait that’s actually pretty common logic for a Texan.

kids love memes.

Some people on the thread tried to explain to him that China doesn’t execute Americans for graffiti because they don’t know how internet comment threads work. He replied with –

at this point he should just link a youtube video of him putting his fingers in his ears and screaming “LALALALALALALA”

Oh and because it had been almost 20 comments and nobody said “abortion” –

Is there an abortion equivalent to Godwin’s law? There should be.

After seeing this I had to see if he posted on other threads. Luckily that Texas flag avatar stands out and I could quickly scroll through stuff to see where else he had posted. Turns out he’s quite prolific. Found him on an article about the Bradley Manning verdict –

Oh, that’s your solution for everything.

Then things took a bit of a turn that was even dark for a guy who seems like he’d execute somebody for a late library book. Once Muslims entered the picture he really stepped up his game. Here’s an article about a Saudi blogger imprisoned for insulting Islam –

and what a shining example of “civilized society” you are, Proud Texan.

but… how would they do this to our country? I don’t… what?

Nothing makes the world better like some good ol’ genocide.

Seems he has a bit of a reputation on CNN –

let’s be fair. He only wanted to exterminate Chinese vandals.

Ugh. Why doesn’t this guy go to the Fox News comment sections? He’d be much happier there in his natural habitat.

Denson and Young Preparedness Level: Mostly.

Posted on July 30, 2013 by Bill

The Minnesota Fringe Festival starts this week and Denson & Young’s show Dick & Fart Jokes in the Key of F opens this Friday at the Rarig Proscenium theater! It’s been a long road of hard work and preparation since we started writing the script in 1993 but we’re finally prepared. The lines have been memorized, places are blocked, set pieces painted, the costumes are bedazzled, the city officials have been bribed, the cards have been strewn across theaters around the twin cities, the instruments are oiled, the alligators are trained, the actors have been tazed, the witches have been burned, the little people have been apologized to, the elder gods have been awakened and the steroids have been injected!

In case you’re wondering what the show will be like, here’s a little preview we did for the Fringe for All –

and here’s the director’s notes we just dictated to our secretary to be put in the programs –

We would like to personally thank you for coming to our show but we’re much too busy so hopefully this note in the program will do. This show you’re about to see (or had seen all those years ago if you’re sifting through that shoebox in your closet that has the words “fond memories” written on it) is largely inspired by true events and mainly adapted from the Denson & Young Japanese manga. Some slight changes had to be made due to the limitations of the Fringe Festival’s insurance and our own budget restrictions. While those who know the story may be disappointed that the elephant jousting and flamethrower duel had to be cut, the spirit of the story remains the same. If you would like to learn more about Denson & Young, there is a little music store in an alley off of Rue Nationale in Congolin, France. In the music store is an old bowlback mandolin. Break the mandolin open and inside is a copy of our autobiography. This autobiography is also available at Barnes and Noble and Amazon.com.

What else can you expect? I’m not exactly sure, I’m not off book yet! Come on down, see the show and let Denson & Young give your soul a Swedish massage with music.

The Pope Said What About Who This Time?

Posted on July 29, 2013 by Bill

Francis isn’t your homophobic, anti-intellectual, draconian great grandfather’s Pope.

First he stunned the world by stating that atheists are OK as long as they’re good people. Now he said that gays are cool, too.

Well, not exactly. When asked about homosexuals becoming priests and the supposed “gay lobby” at the Vatican, he said “When I meet a gay person, I have to distinguish between their being gay and being part of a lobby. If they accept the Lord and have goodwill, who am I to judge them? They shouldn’t be marginalized. The tendency (to homosexuality) is not the problem … they’re our brothers.”

Granted, he didn’t come out and say “homosexuality is not a sin”. Homosexuality is still considered a sin in the eyes of Catholicism and it could be construed that the only way out is to become a priest and not have sex at all but this is still a step in the right direction and EXTREMELY open minded by Catholic standards.

While many are applauding his progressive-by-comparison views, facebook and twitter are full of people who think they know the Pope’s job better than the Pope –

There’s a lot of armchair popes out there.

I’m glad that Francis seems to be taking the Church in a new direction but I think he should be careful. He’s doing what no Pope has done before and there’s a reason it hasn’t been done before. You know what they did with the last non-judgemental guy who tried to preach unconditional love and forgiveness?

didn’t end well.

Just When you Thought it was Safe to go Back Into the Tornado

Posted on July 25, 2013 by Bill

I haven’t seen Sharknado yet.

“Enough Said!” Jesus. Even the poster’s snarky.

In fact, I haven’t seen any of Syfy’s original so-shitty-it’s-hilarious B movies like Mansquito or Bearvalanche (that last one might have just been a nightmare I had). Not because I think I’m above that sort of stuff. In fact, I’d probably love these movies. I just don’t have cable.

Syfy’s done plenty of these types of movies but Sharknado has really taken the internet by sharkstorm for some reason. Probably because it has Tara Reid. Everybody loves Tara Reid.

One of the biggest circulating jokes is thinking of possible sequels or Sharknado. My favorite that I’ve seen so far: Sharkcano –

image source: buzzfeed

The problem is people have it all wrong. They’re creating sequels with sharks in other things when the real star of the movie was the tornado. Why not have this for a sequel-

WHORENADO
A tornado passes over the French Quarter of New Orleans during Mardi Gras, sucking up dozens of drunken sorority girls mid-flash. These girls really go wild as the tornado flings them around town as people die from blunt force injuries and bead strangulation while many others receive Herpes.

Where’s that fake movie poster?

YoungNotions

Author Archives: Bill