Author Archives: Bill

Five More Lies Republicans Tell About Women’s Bodies

Posted on by
4

HuP (short for HuffPo, short for Huffington Post) Huffingtonposted an article yesterday entitled “9 Lies Republicans Tell About Women’s Bodies”. The article shows 9 myths that have sprung up rather recently in the GOP’s war on vaginas. While the list certainly brings to light the level of misinformation conservatives are willing to use to make a point, the list is far from complete. Here’s some more misleading statements, half-truths and outright lies the Republicans have said about women in the last couple of months.


1. “Chinese girls have sideways vaginas.” – Rick Santorum on Face the Nation.

This myth has been around for quite some time but the World Health Organization has stated that the vaginas of Chinese women are just like everybody else’s.


2. “Boys go to Mars to get more candy bars. Girls go to Jupiter to get more stupider.” – Rush Limbaugh on The Rush Limbaugh Show.

To date, the Mars Rover has yet to find a single candy bar on the planet’s surface. As for Jupiter, the atmosphere of the gas giant is mainly comprised of hydrogen and helium. Breathing these gases can cause oxygen starvation to the brain so while a girl could get more stupider on Jupiter, not one female has ever visited the planet.


3. “We don’t need a condom, baby. Everybody knows you can’t get pregnant if you do it in a hot tub.” – Herman Cain in the hot tub at La Quinta Inn. Newark, NJ.

According to the internet you can totally get pregnant in a hot tub. Duh.


4. “That weird girl Ethel in Ms. Miller’s kindergarten class has cooties.” – Mitt Romney televised campaign ad.

While it’s kind of weird that her parents gave her an old lady name, there’s no such thing as cooties. Ethyl has lice.


5. “Almost 20% of fetuses survive abortion, growing up with a single goal in life. Revenge.” – Michele Bachmann, speaking to a bunch of terrified girl scouts around a camp fire moments before Marcus jumps out of the bushes in a giant fetus costume.

While there have been some cases of fetuses surviving late term abortions, there have been no recorded instances of revenge quests.



For more information on Republican views on women’s health, consult any 100 year old medical textbook.

The pic from the original huffpo article. Obviously a shop because the three of them talking at the same time would cause aneurysms in anybody listening.



P.S. Oh hey there’s only two days left to vote for the City Pages reader’s poll. You can vote for “best local blog”. I’m not saying that I think this blog is the best but you should vote for me because I’m incredibly insecure and if you don’t vote for me I’m going to STICK MY FINGER IN MY THROAT UNTIL I THROW UP BECAUSE I’M A FATTY FATASS. Thanks!

Turns Out I’m Pretty Good at Making Fun of Babies.

Posted on by
1

This weekend while I was making sweet, sweet stand up comedy joke love to the people of German Valley, Il, I got a text from my friend Phoebe. She lives in Los Angeles because she’s a fancy hotshot liberal and was about to perform in a comedy roast for a premature baby. That’s honestly the oddest show I’ve ever heard of and I once performed in the middle of an indoor track during a charity walk. Everybody walked around me while I told jokes.


The roast was being held in the mom’s studio apartment. They were having a party for the baby’s actual due date and decided to roast the kid. Phoebe texted me to ask if I could help her out with some roast jokes. We texted back and forth a little bit so I could get any exploitable info about the kid (any arrests, drug problems, scuzzy ex boyfriends) and her family. The info I had to run with was it was a girl, born a month premature, lives in the studio apartment, mom’s German and dad’s Texan. Here’s the three jokes I came up with.


*Good luck getting a lease in this town if you can’t even do nine months in a womb without getting evicted early. That shows up on your credit report.

*Did you come out early thinking you’d get to live in a place bigger than a womb? How disappointed were you when you came to your new home and realized you still wouldn’t get to stretch out?

*Half German and half Texan? At least if you have any problems in your life there are plenty of minorities to blame. I’d stay away from mentally challenged Jews, though. You might go Manchurian Candidate on them.


I’d say I’m going to Hell for this but calling a premature baby a racist actually falls pretty low on the list of horrible things I’ve said.


Who knows? Maybe a new avenue of comedy has opened up for me. I could be the guy that insults babies for money. I think I’ve finally found my niche.


If you would like to have me insult your baby or any babies you know for a modest fee, please contact me at bill@youngnotions.com .

Another Conversation With Jena: The Curse of the Feathered Serpent.

Posted on by
3

Here’s part of a conversation Jena and I had on the phone yesterday as I was driving home from Illinois.


ME: Don’t forget Jared has spring break next week.

JENA: I wish I had spring break.

ME: Well hey, you have a whole week off of work this month. That’s just like spring break.

JENA: Yeah, but I’ll have to do all the homemaker stuff. It’s not like I’m going to be in Mexico all week (note: she didn’t provide a hyperlink in our phone conversation. I’m doing this for you, the reader, to add some context. You’re welcome).

ME: Hey! That’s going to be hard work for me.

JENA: You’re doing what, three shows? You get to go scuba diving!

ME: Exactly! While underwater I’m basically acting as an ambassador to the surface world. Our diplomatic relationship with Poseidon’s kingdom is tense as it is. What if I fart down there? First the oil spill and now this? Aquaman will not be happy. There’s also going to be a lot of drinking on a beach, which isn’t as easy as it sounds.

JENA: Uh huh.

ME: I’m probably going to explore a bunch of Mayan Ruins, too. What if I end up knocking over an artifact and invoke the rage of Quetzalcoatl? Now I’ve got the Curse of the Feathered Serpent to deal with. This isn’t going to be easy.

JENA: You know you could use this conversation in the blog, right?

ME: Eh, only if I can’t think of anything funny tomorrow.


"WHO DARES DRUNKENLY URINATING IN THE TEMPLE OF THE FEATHERED SERPENT?!?"

Prom Dreams Dashed by Uptight School.

Posted on by
1

Spring is here and that means prom is approaching for millions of high school seniors across America and maybe other countries if they celebrate prom. Dresses are being purchased and limos are being rented for a magical night of dinner and dancing, hang gliding, arm wrestling contests and bear hunting.


Okay, I don’t really know what happens at prom. I couldn’t get a date in high school so I spent the night working at the gas station bitterly denying my classmates cigarette purchases because they didn’t have proper ID. Whatever.


Still, prom should be a special night for high schoolers. One they’ll remember for the rest of their lives. It certainly was going to be that way for a Tartan Senior High Student who got actress Megan Piper to be his prom date.



For those of you who aren’t familiar with the name you may have seen her in such films as Dirty Little Schoolgirls 3, Happy Endings Handjobs and Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Giving Head (okay I made that last one up but her whole filmography didn’t even have one real movie parody title!).

this is the only picture in existence of her wearing clothes.



Megan Piper’s a porn star and Tartan Senior Mike Stone is the coolest kid in America right now. Even the name Mike Stone sounds badass.


This kid sent out over 600 tweets to his favorite porn stars on twitter asking them to prom and Megan Piper responded she’d gladly attend if he would pay for the airfare. This kid was about to become a school legend. This would be talked about at the school for years. I know. I went to Tartan (class of 2000 whoo!) and the biggest things that ever happened when I went is that my friend Tony jumped in the dolphin tank at the Minnesota Zoo on a field trip and we put on a pretty good production of West Side Story.



This kid’s dreams were about to come true until the school decided to step in and forbade Mike from bringing Megan to the prom, stating that it’s inappropriate to bring an adult film star to a high school dance. Apparently Oakdale, MN is now the town from Footloose (the original, not the remake).


Am I the only one who doesn’t see a problem here? It’s not like they’re going to shoot a scene on the dance floor. In fact, Mike would probably be the only kid at prom guaranteed to not get laid that night (she’s an actress, not a whore). All the girls at the prom would have somebody to call a slut other than whoever the slutty girl at school is, giving the girls a nice change of pace and the slutty girl a break. Local news crews would probably cover the event, giving the prom that “red carpet lined with paparazzi” feeling.


Shame on you, Tartan High. I used to be proud to be a Titan and now I’m wondering if all those mandatory pep rallies I went to even meant anything.

ABORTION! ABORTION! ABORTION!

Posted on by
1

Abortion.


People supposedly don’t like talking about abortion. Even in the movie “Knocked Up” they work around saying the word by saying rhymes with shmashmortion.



This makes sense. It’s a very sensitive topic. A topic that many people have radically different views upon (my personal view is that I’m a guy and I’ve had a vasectomy so I’ll just keep my opinions to myself). A undoubtedly heavy subject that, when debated, should be handled with tact and respect.



That is, of course, unless you’re a republican politician. Then it’s your duty to turn the debate into the loudest, gaudiest circus freakshow possible.


The craziness probably started way before this but I first took notice a couple of weeks ago when the news was when lawmakers in Virginia tried passing a bill transvaginal ultrasounds on women who try to get abortions. I’m pretty sure the only reason these lawmakers want to stick a wand all up in a girl who is making the hardest decision of her life is just to add more humiliation to the procedure because that’s the name of the game. If you can’t forcefully keep a woman from getting an abortion you shame her out of it.



The bill was met with fierce opposition andultimately didn’t pass (a similar bill requiring less invasive but just as unnecessary plain ol’ ultrasounds passed) but Republicans , in spite of their hatred of arts funding, are a creative lot. Just this week, Arizona State Rep. Terri Proud emailed a constituent about how she’d like to require women to watch an abortion before having one.



Her reasoning is some bullshit about how women are uninformed about such a dangerous procedure blah blah blah. The real effect here is the added shame of realizing that if you want an abortion, you’re probably gonna have a room full of people staring at you while it happens. It’s unnecessary, embarrassing and just another hoop for women to jump through.


Now I’m well aware that most of my readers are state level republican politicians so if you’re looking to introduce some wacky abortion bills to proverbially stone women with here’s some jumping off points for you guys, free of charge (you can certainly name the bill after me if you’d like. “Bill’s bill” has a nice ring to it) –


* To prove you’re not ready for parenthood every abortion provider must give prospective patients an egg to take care of for a week as if it were a child. If they come back to the clinic and the egg has broken, they can follow through with the procedure.

* Any woman receiving an abortion is given a two year subscription to Disney Movie Club paid for by her insurance (thanks, Obamacare!). The name on the address will read “your child would have loved this one”.

* Any woman receiving an abortion has to “pay it forward” and perform the procedure on another woman so she can experience the guilt and pain the doctors go through.

* After an abortion the woman is required, by law, to gain 30 pounds and then lose it really quickly so she has stretch marks anyway.


For more information about how abortion is evil, consult your local Rick Santorum.

My Dad Heckles Children Because He’s a Badass.

Posted on by
2

I was searching the old blogs to find some filler because I’m not feeling well when I came across this old conversation between my dad, my brother and myself. It was a nice little reminder that when he wasn’t busy traumatizing me through pranks he was handing out some righteous street justice like this.


Dad: Hey, you boys remember the batting cages I used to take you to off of Vandalia?

Me: The one with the Kirby Puckett and Kent Hrbek cardboard cutout?

Steve: Yeah, I remember that place.

Dad: You remember the time I got in an argument with some guy at the batting cages?

Steve: No.

Me: Wait, what?

Dad: Well, you know how you’re supposed to take turns at the batting cages, just one round and then the back of the line? This guy had his kid in the cage and he just kept feeding him money through the cage. The kid did like three rounds in a row. So I went up to the guy and said “Hey, how about giving some of the other kids a turn?”

Steve: What did he say?

Dad: He looked right at me and said “Ain’t no goddamn rules here!”

Me: So what happened after that?

Dad: I started heckling his kid.

Me: Bullshit!

Dad: Really! I was yelling “Nice swing, kid! Swing and a miss!”. They left pretty quick after that.


That’s pretty sweet.

We Need to Talk.

Posted on by
3

This is really hard for me but it’s something I’ve needed to say for a while. I can’t be with you anymore. I love you. Of course I still love you. How can I not? I’ll always love you but you’re not good for me and this relationship is becoming toxic.


Please just let me get this all out. I know we’ve known each other for so long that It’s hard to remember a time when we weren’t together. I first met you when I was just a kid. I honestly didn’t like you at first. You seemed bitter and off-putting but all the older at the people were so enamored with your charms. When I became older I started to see why. I’d keep running into you at parties and by spring break on my senior year of high school, we were inseparable.


Those nights we spent together in the first few years were magical. I’ll never forget. People warned me about you and how you chewed up and spit out stronger men than me but what we had was different. We were meant to be together. It was stupid to think that it would be like that forever. People grow and change but you started getting demanding as I got older. You wanted to do all the things that we did early on but I just can’t keep up anymore. I can’t be out all night, throwing my money away at you on the bar just to feel awful the next morning when you aren’t there. I just can’t drink you anymore, beer.


I thought we were special. I really did. When I was in my early twenties I could drink a dozen of you and not have a hangover as long as I had 6 hours of sleep. I thought maybe it was because I was special, because I was different than anybody else but lately I can’t even drink four of you without spending the entire next day on the toilet. What did I do to deserve this? I’ve always treated you with such reverence.


Now I know that I may be developing a mild gluten intolerance and there are gluten free versions of you out there but they’re so expensive. Sure, I’ve spent plenty of money when there’s a decent Belgian selection of you at a bar or I want to treat myself to some craft beers but one of the things I loved about you is that you were really affordable when I needed you to be.



So this is it. We’re done. I just can’t be with you anymore.


Don’t get me wrong, I’m still going to drink vodka and whisky but you and I are through. I’ll miss you.


A lady at the bar drew this picture of us together on St. Patrick's day. You always loved St. Patrick's day.

Pink Slime? Sounds Delicious.

Posted on by
5

I’ve been seeing a lot of pink slime in the news lately.


No. That's not Culver's frozen custard. That's meat.




Pink slime is apparently something that’s been in meat for years but is just now getting some media attention thanks to celebrity chef Jamie Oliver. What the meat packing industry does is take all the cow stuff that’s supposed to be in dog food like connective tissue (tendons, ligaments, cartilage, buttholes etc. Basically all the cow parts Eastern European pickle and call regional delicacies), mash it up, centrifuge the fat off it, blast it with ammonia gas (ammonia is commonly found in pee, household cleaners and wood treatment) and mix it up with ground beef.


According to the USDA, it’s safe to eat. People have been eating it for years. The National Meat Association says that it’s all beef since it’s made from cows (cow poop is also made from cows. Cow poop is not beef) but the media has launched a smear campaign against pink slime. Maybe people wouldn’t be so wary of it if it was called something else but when you look at this picture what other names can you think of?


I've stared at this picture for ten minutes and the only names I can come up with are "beef sludge" and "meat goo"




Even if the campaign against cow sludge is just propoganda and cattle muck is perfectly safe and nutritious, the campaign is working. McDonald’s and Taco Bell have both pledged to stop using beef gunk in their food. Can you blame them?


You've eaten this. If you've had a burger in the last fifteen years meat guck has been inside you.




Even though this stuff has been labeled inedible by Taco Bell, the USDA is still selling meat ooze to schools for lunch. While the USDA does have a history of throwing kids under the obesity bus for a quick buck (pizza is a vegetable!), they’ve sort of caved recently and are now letting schools choose if they want beef with pink slime in it. So now the schools get to choose if kids get to eat slurryburgers for lunch.


America!

Wisconsin Forced to Clarify Drunk Driving Laws Because It’s Wisconsin.

Posted on by
Reply

I know state rivalry is stupid. Why Minnesotans make fun of Wisconsin…ites? Wisconsonians? Wisconsiners? Whatever. Why we make fun of them is beyond me. I don’t even like sports so it makes even less sense because I don’t even hate their football team. Whatever the reason I will make fun of Wisconsin whenever I have the chance because they’re a bunch of fat, cheese eating drunken hicks even though Minnesotans are pretty much the same thing.


That being said, of course this is a news story in Wisconsin. Stupid hillbillies.


For those of you afraid of clicking blue words, I’ll break it down for you. A man got pulled over last winter on a frozen lake with a Blood-Alcohol content of .365 . For those of you unfamiliar with BAC, here’s a handy dandy chart courtesy of wikipedia.


Click for the full article and some interesting stories under the "Highest recorded Blood Alcohol Content" section




I love how in the “>.50” row the behavior listed is “death”. Shouldn’t “life” be listed in the impairments column?


Personal reference: One time when I was 21 I bought a breathalyzer from Sharper Image and turned it into a drinking game with my roommates. The name of the game was “Let’s See How High We Can Get The Numbers on This Thing”. My last memory of the night was blowing into it and reading “.22” before blacking out.


Back to the story. Prosecutors charged the guy with drunk driving because he was driving incredibly drunk. “A judge dismissed the case, though, ruling Wisconsin’s drunken driving laws apply to premises open to public motor vehicle use and the lake didn’t qualify.”


Thankfully, the case was appealed and the appeals court decided driving drunk is still driving drunk even if it’s not on a street. Frankly, I can’t see how this was dismissed to begin with. Most Wisconsin frozen lakes have nicer houses on them than most residential neighborhoods (take that, you stupid state!).


Just to be safe, here’s a list for that judge who dismissed the case of places that aren’t open to public motor vehicle use that people should not drive while intoxicated to the point they almost die.



Playgrounds

Hospitals

Basketball Courts

The Bottom of Unfrozen Lakes

Liquor Stores

Most Churches (I think you can if you’re a Scientologist. It’s a religious thing)

Movie Theaters.



On a completely unrelated note I’ll be at St. Croix Casino in Danbury, WI tonight and Turtle Lake, WI tomorrow. Go Packers!

Mitt Romney: Out of Touch?

Posted on by
3

Opposite Day Fox News posted an article about Mitt Romney saying yet another rich guy thing. This time he mentions about how a bunch of NFL team owners are friends of his during a question about football in a radio interview –


[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N43njcpNcHs&w=420&h=315]


Romney constantly faces accusations of being out of touch and not knowing what it’s like to not be insanely wealthy. You’d think people would want to know more about his weird religion –



Google autocomplete. Vox populi, vox dei.


but the scrutiny always falls on his “gaffes” that make him seem out of touch with the average American. Here’s a few choice quotes from the campaign trail that have made the news recently.


“I’m not concerned about the very poor. Fuck them. Fuck poor people. Ugh.” – Mitt Romney, following his victory in the Florida primary. CNN


“I love it here in the south! I’m learning to say y’all, I like grits, I own several slaves!” – Romney in a campaign speech in Mississippi. MSNBC


“I love Detroit automobiles! (My wife) Ann actually has two fresh Cadillacs flown in every week and she drives most of them before throwing them away.” – Romney stumping in Michigan. C-SPAN


“Thank you for the toilet paper bird!” – Mitt thanking a boy in Denver for folding him an origami cane out of a $1 bill. Washington Post.


“I’ve been a lifelong hunter. Small varmints, mostly. Also, genetically engineered manimals on Dick Cheney’s private island.” Romney explaining his love of hunting. AP.


“They look like ants from up here, don’t they? Like I could just crush them all by stepping on them and not feel a thing. Just thinking about it gives me an erection.” – On a flight from Dallas to Boston. NYT.



Seriously, he doesn’t seem that out of touch to me.



Oil portrait of Mitt Romney painted by Rembrant clone.