As we all know, the Federal Government shut down on Oct. 1. 800,000 federal employees are on unpaid furlough, national parks and monuments are shut down, it’s all the Republican party’s fault and they are losing their fucking minds over it. Honestly, there’s been so many instances of the GOP going completely bananas I’m just going to highlight some of the best moments from this week.



First, Fox News refuses to call it a shutdown, instead calling it a “slimdown” because essential services are still running. After CNN, the Daily Show and all the like had a field day with this, foxnews.com switched to the terminology “partial shutdown” and now the front page only has one meager mention of the entire shutdown.



Then, congressman Randy Neugebauer loses his shit and yells at a park ranger for not letting vets into a WW2 memorial that was shut down because he couldn’t pass a budget bill.



After that, congressman Marlin Stutzman actually fucking said this quote for real to a goddamn reporter –

“We’re not going to be disrespected. We have to get something out of this. And I don’t know what that even is.”



To top it all off, Congressman Tim Griffin actually blamed the president for the violence that went on at the White House today that caused a capitol lockdown



Holy. Fucking. Shit. People.



They gambled, they lost and now everybody hates them and I couldn’t be more happier. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no fan of employees struggling to make ends meet having to deal with the unpaid furlough but this stunt will completely ruin the GOP for the 2014 elections.



So, thanks, crazy republicans! Your whining and bitching in public has made you completely unelectable.

Writing for this site has turned me into a bit of a news junkie. Any day that I’m posting I’ll check the front pages of almost every major news site and a few local ones just to find stuff to write about. Last week I didn’t post due to work, comedy on the road and dealing with the whole divorce transition thing. In that week I didn’t really check up on the news. This morning I go online and THE FUCKING GOVERNMENT IS SHUTTING DOWN.



In case you haven’t heard, the government has to pass a spending bill by the end of today or the government will shut down. This normally mundane bill keeps getting rejected because the Republican led House keeps writing stuff in the bill to kill Obamacare while the democrat led Senate keeps saying they won’t pass a bill that has any language that would hurt Obamacare. These men and women, all people with expensive law degrees who hold almost the highest and most respected offices in the land, elected by majorities of thousands and millions of people, are playing a stupid fucking game of chicken that will shut down the government and we’re letting them.



Why? Why are Republicans still fighting this tooth and nail? Is Obamacare really that bad that you have to take it to the Supreme Court (unsuccessfully), tried to pass 42 Obamacare killing bills (unsuccessfully), hold a 21 hour quasi-filibuster (unsuccessfully) and now hold the whole government hostage? I understand how conservatives wouldn’t love Obamacare but is it really worth all this? What is so fucking bad about this health care bill? Let’s take a quick look at some of the popular arguments against Obamacare



SMALL BUSINESS WILL HAVE TO CHANGE THEIR EMPLOYEES TO PART TIME BECAUSE THEY CAN’T AFFORD TO INSURE THEIR FULL TIME EMPLOYEES OMG
Okay. This is one of those parts that most everybody will agree is a bad part of the Affordable Health Care Act (I can only type “Obamacare” so many times in a row before it feels stupid). Small businesses will have to provide health insurance for their full time employees. Some of them can’t afford that and one way to work around it is to cut them down to part time. But according to obamacarefacts.com only 0.2% of businesses have more than 50 full time workers and don’t already offer insurance. Also, the employer mandate was delayed until 2015 so that can’t be the reason…



HOLY SHIT NAZI SOCIALIST HEALTHCARE HITLER!

Obama is a president. Hitler was a president. YOU DO THE MATH.

This one’s really not a widely held belief but it’s big enough to where there’s plenty of crackpot websites out there comparing Obamacare to Nazi Germany’s health care plan and comparisons to Obama and Nazis sprout up everywhere from pictures like the one above to Ted Cruz’s speech comparing his fight to fighting Nazis. But this is just the wacko conspiracy freak belief, this can’t be what’s driving the fight…



OBAMACARE MIGHT ACTUALLY WORK
Here’s the thing. If Obamacare is such a rotten idea, the Republicans would actually stand to benefit if it passed and was a huge disaster. Next year’s elections would be a landslide victory over the Dumbocrats who plunged us into a socialist death panel hell, right? Threatening a government shutdown proves that the Republicans in congress have no problem burning down their own homes for the insurance money so why would they fight so hard against something that could be a huge help for them next election?

Because Obamacare might work.

Imagine that Obamacare passes (and it will) and little or none of the horrible things we were warned about happens? What if overall healthcare spending went down because fewer uninsured people go to the emergency rooms leaving the rest of us with the bill? What if hospital visits overall went down because more people have access to preventative care? I really don’t know how Obamacare is going to play out but if people love it, that’s going to be a huge blow to the Republicans who tried so hard to kill it and they’ll feel that next election.



Whatever the reason, a government shutdown is probably going to happen for the first time since 1995. Don’t worry, though. Congress and the President will still get paid during a shutdown. They deserve no less with all the hard work they do.

Let’s beat the bush right in it’s stupid bush face. We’ll beat it with a stick lined with brass tacks to really hammer in that we’re getting straight to the point. We’ll get right down to the business of beating the bush with brass tacks, solidifying the fact that we’re not straying from the thing that we set out to talk about.



I’m not going to take forever to get to the point because I fucking hate when people do that. Especially when that person initiated the conversation. Unlike those assholes, I understand that your time is valuable and I’m not going to waste it talking in circles. Stupid, unnecessary circles that have no reason for existing that just get conjured up because somebody who is talking to you can’t simply spit it out! It’s infuriating!



See, that’s why I’m a straight shooter. I don’t dance around subjects because I don’t want to waste people’s time. If I got something to say, I just up and say it. No bullshit, no dilly-dally. It’s just the way I was raised and it’s just how I am. I don’t mess around.



When I talk to you, I’m going to talk about the thing I set out to talk about. I’m not going to take you for a ride full of twists and turns to eventually get you to the subject I wanted to talk about, It’s a straight shot from point A to point B.



My point is this: I’m doing a show at the Comedy Corner Underground this Friday and Saturday with the delightful Kathleen O’Brien, Richard Simones and Robert Fones. I’d love to see you there. You can get tickets online here and/or check out the facebook event where I wrote a fanciful fake description of the show here. Shows are Friday at 8:00 and Saturday at 8:00 and 10:00.



See, isn’t everything just easier when you cut the bullshit?

September 17th is, as absolutely nobody knows, Constitution Day. This holiday is widely not celebrated by anybody in America. It’s rich traditions have not been passed from generation to generation and children all over the country never anticipate to wake up on September 17th for what is nobody’s favorite or even 2nd, 3rd or 4th favorite holiday.



For those of you who are unfamiliar with the history and practices of Constitution day (re: everybody), here’s just a few of the official government sanctioned ways to celebrate this fine and festive holiday!



Founding Fathers Cosplay
For one day a year, putting on a powdered wig, pantaloons, itchy wool overcoat and tricorner hat isn’t just for those stupid Tea Party whackos!

Founding fathers like Abraham Lincoln and Uncle Sam.

all credit goes to publius-esquire. Click the image for the source and even more Founding Father pin-ups!

We’re gonna change things up a little today here. While I was pretty much done talking about the whole divorce thing and didn’t want to make it seem like I was milking this for attention and creative fodder, my sister texted me the other day saying she had written a blog on my divorce. She forwarded it to me, I really liked it and decided there was no problem milking this for attention and creative fodder so for the first time in the site’s history we have a guest post! Thanks for writing this, Mandi and enjoy the feeling of satisfaction of knowing your writing is being seen by literally dozens of Jena’s renfest friends!



So My Brother’s Getting a Divorce by Mandi Hicks



That’s right folks, you read correctly, my brother is getting a divorce.



Typical.



As if my inferiority complex weren’t cemented by being both the youngest child and the only girl, now this asshole is getting a divorce?
There’s no competing with that kind of event!!!



My family is sure to shower Bill with loads of attention and there’s only so much to go around people. I need to protect my share!
You may be asking yourself, why don’t you just get divorced too? Believe me friends, I considered this. I admit, it would be an excellent opportunity to provoke the validation of my family by forcing them to choose whom to love and support most, but alas, I fear what I might find and my sickening co-dependency (a sure byproduct of living life in Bill’s fame grabbing shadow) will not tolerate such a separation. That, and my husbands a pretty cool guy.



But never fear adoring and sympathetic audience! This girl knows how to think outside of the box! Using my abnormally large and magnificent brain to storm, I produced several brilliant strategies to combat Bill’s pathetic self-indulgence.



An intentionally unsuccessful suicide attempt, fake pregnancy, stripping, gender transition were amongst my ideas, all paths would surely lead me to success but ultimately, I settled on adopting a meth habit. After all, there are some really nice treatment facilities in MN. Perhaps even Bill himself would make time to visit me on family day. That is if he and Jena can taking a break from rimming each other while exalting how much they still love and respect one another. Way to be all mature, kind and loving (jerks). You know who else manipulated through inspirational messages? Hitler.



Knowing what needed to be done I made my way to the south metro to get my hands on some meth. On my way I stopped into Don Pablo’s and that’s where I met him. Like an oasis in the desert he appeared before me. Ladies and gentlemen, I’m SO pleased to introduce you to New Bill!!

fiesta style

So after many talks about the state of our relationship and reflection on how the relationship was failing and how that failure was affecting us, Jena and I decided to get a divorce.



I’ve never divorced anybody before so I’m not sure of the exact protocol on how to break the news to friends but since this is the age of social networking and oversharing we just posted that shit to facebook. Here’s what Jena posted. It’s very thoughtful, well written and lovely –







and here’s what I posted –

…yeah.

– Yes, we’re going to be friends. We still like each other. We still love each other. That love isn’t enough to make a life partnership work. We found that out before we stuck to it too long and started hating each other. That would have eventually happened.



– If you want to know the reasons our marriage fell apart, they’re complicated, intricate and boring. If you’re still curious, take one of us out for a couple of drinks and we’ll tell you.



– It’s totally the child’s fault.



– Gays being able to marry are also to blame.



– We would both like it if you didn’t trash talk the other person. You may think it’s helping but we still care for each other. If anything, wail about what fools we are to give up such a perfect mate.



– This website will still continue indefinitely with both of us updating but possibly with less frequent updates. Mon-Wed-Fri worst case scenario. Most of Jena’s info will be moved over to jenayoung.com .



– No you don’t get your wedding presents back. We spent the Target gift cards and one of the two rice cookers is already ruined. In fact, divorce gifts would be great since we need to split our possessions now.



Thanks for all your kind words. Now we’re both on to new chapters in our lives.

The NFL regular season has started this week according to facebook statuses on my feed from people who care about that sort of thing and I am just bursting with apathy for the 2013 NFL season!



I just can’t stand football. Don’t like it. Never have, never will. I hate the fact that plays take 45 minutes to line up and then last about 3 seconds. I hate the set of rules that make Quidditch look simple. I hate the fact that people lose their fucking minds over this sport more than any other.



There’s a hundred reasons for me to hate football and not a lot of reasons for me to love it since I’m in Minnesota and our team seems to eat shit every year.



Even though I can’t stand the sport, I always end up in conversations about it. At work, with friends, at a bar or on the road there’s always going to be conversations about football just because that’s what guys talk about. I’m almost convinced that other guys don’t like football either but it gives them something to talk about with other guys. Without football we’d all be looking around nervously, breaking the silence occasionally with awkward little statements like “So… that Syria thing’s pretty complicated.”



So, rather than throw a monkey wrench into conversations by saying something boring and pretentious like “UH ACTUALLY I DON’T CARE MUCH FOR THAT SPORT I THINK IT’S FOR TROGLEDYTES HOW ABOUT WE DISCUSS WORLD POLITICS HHHHMMMMM?” I’ve just learned how to blend into football conversations without knowing anything about football. It’s a little tricky in a one on one conversation but pretty easy in groups of three or more. Here’s a few tips and tricks.



Christian Ponder sucks – You only need to find out one player in the whole league who is awful and then just use him as a punching bag in conversations. According to my facebook feed, this year it’s Christian Ponder. Berate him, mock him, verbally eviscerate him. He is our sacrificial lamb. Serves him right for playing poorly or whatever.

“Derr I’m Christian Ponder derp derp” Shut up Christian. I hate you for some reason.