I read a lot of news on the internet. Usually it’s to look for stuff to talk about on my posts but even on days I’m not writing something I’ll check around 5 different sites a day. With all the news articles I read, though, I’ve never once been compelled to comment. I really don’t understand why these sites have comments sections on some articles. I get how it could come in handy for editorials but I really don’t give a shit what the entire internet thinks about straight up news articles.



That being said, I absolutely love reading the comments on some news articles. I think I can say without hyperbole that anybody who has a user profile on a major news site and comments regularly on articles is a bratty, whiny social pariah who will say the most offensive things they can possibly think of in hopes to get a little attention because they aren’t interesting enough to get people to pay attention to them in real life.



For example…



I was reading an article on CNN about a Chinese tourist recently arrested for throwing green paint on various monuments and somebody posted this comment –

Some people on the thread tried to explain to him that China doesn’t execute Americans for graffiti because they don’t know how internet comment threads work. He replied with –







Oh and because it had been almost 20 comments and nobody said “abortion” –







After seeing this I had to see if he posted on other threads. Luckily that Texas flag avatar stands out and I could quickly scroll through stuff to see where else he had posted. Turns out he’s quite prolific. Found him on an article about the Bradley Manning verdict –







Then things took a bit of a turn that was even dark for a guy who seems like he’d execute somebody for a late library book. Once Muslims entered the picture he really stepped up his game. Here’s an article about a Saudi blogger imprisoned for insulting Islam –















Seems he has a bit of a reputation on CNN –







Ugh. Why doesn’t this guy go to the Fox News comment sections? He’d be much happier there in his natural habitat.

Bill’s done all of the posting this week, since I’ve been working on my Fringe shows. My 6 Fringe shows. Because I’m dumb.

I love it. I love being busy with all the projects… creating and making and producing. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

But it can get stressful. And sometimes you need to take a break from going over lines/tweaking a dance routine/editing your one woman show.

Chain Reaction Games. I love them. You just click once and let the game do the rest of the work. It’s a spacial and intuition recognition style of play that lets my brain work passively. It’s relaxing but on the ready all at once.

My favorite is Boomshine. It’s got relaxing music and pretty colors.

Here’s a list of others with no explination cause I have to get back to Fringe stuff:

Chaos Theory
Starshine
Icy Fishes
Chain of Fire
Nova Chain

I have to close this post with a conversation I overheard today while on my front porch editing my one woman Fringe show like an Uptown hipster artist douchebag. I fit the mold well, but that’s not why I live in uptown. I live in uptown because we get a lot of visitors, and they have fun conversations like this:

Dude 1: She doesn’t like you; you need to get over it.
Dude 2: Yeah, it’s not like she owes you or anything. Feminism and shit. Don’t make her uncomfortable.
Dude 1: I was thinking more that it’s not good for HIM to keep on after. She’s a tough chick that can say as much. Well and she has. You need to back the fuck off because that’s what a man does. Respect her no. Also, pineing makes you sound like a whiny bitch
Dude 3: Hey!
Dude 2: yeah- like that.

I love living in Uptown so hard.

I haven’t seen Sharknado yet.

In fact, I haven’t seen any of Syfy’s original so-shitty-it’s-hilarious B movies like Mansquito or Bearvalanche (that last one might have just been a nightmare I had). Not because I think I’m above that sort of stuff. In fact, I’d probably love these movies. I just don’t have cable.



Syfy’s done plenty of these types of movies but Sharknado has really taken the internet by sharkstorm for some reason. Probably because it has Tara Reid. Everybody loves Tara Reid.



One of the biggest circulating jokes is thinking of possible sequels or Sharknado. My favorite that I’ve seen so far: Sharkcano –







The problem is people have it all wrong. They’re creating sequels with sharks in other things when the real star of the movie was the tornado. Why not have this for a sequel-



WHORENADO
A tornado passes over the French Quarter of New Orleans during Mardi Gras, sucking up dozens of drunken sorority girls mid-flash. These girls really go wild as the tornado flings them around town as people die from blunt force injuries and bead strangulation while many others receive Herpes.



Where’s that fake movie poster?

If you interact with me at all online through facebook, twitter or friendster then you know that I am doing a show at the Minnesota Fringe Festival this year

You know I’m doing a show at the fringe because I and every other cast member has sent you an event invite on facebook, posted pictures promoting the show, talked about it, given you a postcard, hired a plane to write a message in the sky and broken into your house and whispered about the show into your ear as you slept so you’ll have a subconscious desire to go to the show. Yesterday’s post about the rape victim in Dubai was actually just an anagram of the long show description for D&Y.



I want you to know that I’m only doing all this because I love you. There’s over 5,300 shows to choose from at the Minnesota Fringe Festival and I just want to make sure you get your money’s worth. If you don’t see my show then you might get stuck watching a show like this –







As much as I’d love to say that I’ll be less annoying about pimping my fringe show, it’s only going to get worse between now and August 10th. Don’t worry, though. After that I’ll stop posting about my Dick and Fart comedy show and go back to simply making dick and fart jokes on social networks.

Many years ago, I used to do “theatrical Christian ministries.” That was actually my plan- to become a minister with a theatrical focus and produce ALL the passion plays.

Funny how having a baby out of wedlock can change your focus.

Anyway, a part of the theatrical ministries was pantomime. A kind of acting out the verses of the song. It was super easy to do with 90’s Christian rock. DC Talk, Newsboys, and Michael W Smith were my favorites. Lots of imagery. Carmen has imagery too, but he’s a lot more brimstone and anger than I generally like in my ministries.

Also, it’s really hard to get hell fire down just right in pantomime. It looses something.

One of my favorites was to take a contemporary love song and perform it as pantomime for my congregation. I had helped to start a contemporary worship service at my church, and these pantomimes were a big hit with the mid-twenties adults trying to stay cool with Christ. I also learned you can take any Bryan Adams song and pantomime the crucifixion to it.

Go ahead- try it. I’ll wait.

See? “I would die for you.” Because Jesus.

Anyway, I bring this up because a friend of mine recently discovered David Armand. Also known by the character name Johann Lippowitz when performing pantomime, Armand is an absolute genius of a physical comedian.

Now, what I grew up calling pantomime, he’s calling interpretive dance. Call it whatever you want- the man is hilarious. He’s been on WonderVision:

He’s been on the British improv show “Fast and Loose” in his own segment Interpretive Dance

b

And he performed “Torn” on stage live with Natalie Imbruglia at the 2006 Secret Policeman’s Ball for Amnesty International.

So go check him out! Oh, and for you kids who can’t youTube at work but still want to waste some time, head on over to ihatemimes.com and see how far you can launch a mime with Mime Mayhem.

Cause interpretive dance is really just shitty mime to music anyway.

At twelve bells yesterday, the House of Lords and House of Commons passed a bill legalizing gay marriage. The Queen has given her assent by placing her royal seal on the rolled parchment the bill was written on.



While the bill went through without much of a tiff, some conservative toffs threw wobblys like MP Gerald Howarth, who angered many when he referred to “the aggressive homosexual community” that would “see this is as but a stepping stone to something even further.” The tosser even took the piss out of homosexual couples when he tweeted “The Queen has given Royal Assent to Same Sex Marriage. Aggressive homosexuals, please note. Go forth and propose.”



While blokes who oppose the measure have been in a strop and giving their tuppen’orth on the telly, poofs can just tell them to slag off as same sex rumpy pumpy can now be done within the sanctity of marriage!



The bill’s drafter, Lord Evelyn Berkingsworth of Chestershire was quoted as saing “if two blokes want to fiddle their bolloks and see fit to wed, I’d be a numpty nutter to nobble their lives.”



The Church of England and the Catholic Church in England are both well opposed, one representative of the C of E was quoted as saying “Cor Blimey! This cock up is all codswallop!



While the opposition is crying stone and crows the parliament bloody well did it! Homesexuals can rejoice because in 2014, Bob’s your wife!