Fuck Off Friday: Translate THIS

I love the English language. It’s complexities, it’s fluidity, it’s brashness in not adhering to its own rules, how you can just make up words because FREEDOM!!! First amendment, free speech, and all that.

Just remember- with free speech, sometimes you get what you pay for.

In the Young household, we tend to speak in internet, because we are all nerds and one of us is a teenager. Lots of memes quoted, talking in ERMAGERD, chat words…. If someone came over, they might not know what we’re saying, or how to talk to us.

Thank God we have the internet to help people speak internet.

The internet has all sorts of translators out there. I’m going to highlight just a few using the following sample text from this post:

It’s like 4am on Sunday last year, and I had been drunk damn near the whole weekend starting Thursday. I helped a friend with a bottle of tequila, and Matt comes by with what I think was a Dr. Fixit, so of course I drink that as well. It was Matt’s first time experiencing CON full on, and we ended up in CONsuite, looking out from the balcony, watching the nerds do their nerd things, and having a conversation about what CON was.

I left in as much of the translation as I could take.

FOR THE INTERNETS:
The ERMAHGERD translator– ERTS LERK 4ERM ERN SERNDER LERST YER, ERN I HERD BERN DRERNK DERMN NER TER WHERL WERKERND STERTERN THERSDER….

The lolcat translator– IT’S LIEK 4AM ON SUNDAI LAST YER, AN I HAD BEEN DRUNK DAMN NEAR TEH WHOLE WEEKEND STARTIN THURSDAI. I HELPD FREND WIF BOTTLE OV TEQUILA, AN MATT COMEZ BY WIF WUT I FINKZ WUZ DOCTA. FIXIT, SO OV COURSE I DRINK DAT AS WELL. IT WUZ MATT’S FURST TIEM EXPERIENCIN CON FULL ON, AN WE ENDD UP IN CONSUITE, LOOKIN OUT FRUM TEH BALCONY, WATCHIN TEH NERDZ DO THEIR NERD THINGS, AN HAVIN CONVERSASHUN BOUT WUT CON WUZ.

For the old school nerds, the L337 Speak converter– 17’$ L1|<3 44/\/\ 0|\| 5U|\|D4’/ L4$7 ‘/34r, 4|\|D 1 |-|4D b33|\|…

Lets try some dialects:
Pirate (a little broken)- It%u2019s like 4am on Sunday last year, ‘n I had be drunk damn ta hell near th’ whole shore leave startin’ Thursday. I helped a bucko wit’ a bottle ‘o tequila, ‘n Matt comes by wit’ what i reckon was a Dr. Fixit, so ‘o course I drink that as well. It was Matt%u2019s first the hour experiencin’ CON full on, ‘n we ended up in CONsuite, lookin’ out from th’ balcony, watchin’ th’ nerds do their nerd thin’s, ‘n havin’ a conversation ’bout what CON was.

Cockney– Lawd above! It’s like 4am on Sunday last year, an’ I ‘ad been drunk damn near da whole weekend startin’ Thursday. I ‘elped a friend wiv a bottle ov tequila, an’ Matt comes by wiv what I fnk was a Dr. Fixit, so ov caaahrse I drink what as well. It was Matt’s first time experiencin’ CON full on, an’ we ended up in CONsuite, lookin’ aaaht from da balcony, watchin’ da nerds do their nerd fngs, an’ ‘avin’ a conversashun abaaaht what CON was., innit.

Hell, go to the Dialectizer, and you can have your pick!

A couple other fun translator things:
Gizoogle.net- because you’ve always wanted to read YoungNotions in gangsta and be hip with the kids.

Bad Translator– Translates through several different languages til it gets back to you in English completely different. Like the worst game of telephone since the King James Bible.

Japanese Toilet Candy. Japanese. Toilet. Candy.

Yesterday the Supreme Court handed down two huge landmark decisions on gay rights and while I would normally write about something like that something big happened to me yesterday.



I got my candy in the mail.



For my birthday, my sister signed me up for Candy Japan. It’s a website that sends you Japanese candy twice a month. This is perfect for me because I love candy, especially candy you can’t get around here. When I spend a week in Mexico last year I pretty much survived off of candy bars I’ve never seen in MN while my friends all ate at beachside seafood restaurants. I’ve been to Canada twice and each time have come back with two bags full of candy not readily available in the states.



One of the nice/strange things about Candy Japan is that they send you stuff you can’t find in the U.S. so you’re not just going to get a box full of Pocky (although Pocky is delicious). Two weeks ago I got a strange DIY kit where you mix up a bunch of powders and water to make different flavored gels and foams. Yesterday I got this –



WHAT.

WHAT.





Yes. That’s a toilet.



According to the website what sent it, that’s called Moko Moko Mokorreto and it’s one of the strangest candies they’ve sent out. You mix up a powder and it expands and you drink out of a toilet because this is Japan.



They actually included a link to some youtube instructions in case you get tripped up in constructing your toilet to drink out of.







Okay. Let’s try this out.
I got two packets.  I went with the blue one.

I got two packets. I went with the blue one.





okay...

okay…





...that's actually pretty tasty.

…that’s actually pretty tasty.





Jena didn’t like it. Either it was the taste or something about drinking out of a toilet with cartoon eyes.


Texas Abortion Bill Dies on Floor

…or it was terminated. Really depends on your definition of when a bill becomes a law.



The Texas Senate held a special session for a new law that would greatly restrict abortion access for women but never passed. This is mostly due to the ten hour filibuster by Dem. State Senator Wendy Davis.



you can't see her hands but she's totally throwing the horns because she's hardcore.

you can’t see her hands but she’s totally throwing the horns because she’s hardcore.





It takes some serious stones to deliver a ten hour filibuster to stop an abortion bill in a state where they endorse killing everything except fetuses.



Sen. Davis spent 10 hours reading letters from constituents about how harmful the bill would be and was only stopped after straying away from the topic three times which was weird because I thought you could talk about whatever you wanted during a filibuster. Didn’t Strom Thurman read from a phone book to keep black people from voting?



Here’s just some of the provisions of the bill that would’ve restricted a woman’s right to choose.



*All abortion clinics have to be at the top of 6 story walk-ups.

*The term “patient” must be replaced with “murdering whore” in all medical literature.

*Every abortion clinic waiting room must constantly play Ben Folds Five’s “Brick” on repeat.




This was a huge defeat for Senate republicans, who said they’d blow off some steam by spending the day watching some mentally handicapped prisoners get executed.

Grocery Delivery

I’m going to be honest with you kids… my life lately hasn’t been all sunshine and peaches lately. One thing piled on top of the next, some serious stuff, some annoying stuff. Things just keep coming, and it’s hard to bat them all away right now.

I just about had a breakdown when I broke a favorite coffee mug.

But when these times happen, I try to find little things to perk me up. Purchase a silly t-shirt. Dye my hair if it’s in need. Order something off of eBay for $.17. Get a new coffee mug to replace the one that broke. Watch the laughing baby video.

Seriously. I dare you to listen to that amazing belly laugh and not at least crack a smile.

I’ve looked at websites and magazine articles about “75 simple pleasures in life” and other such bullshit. Things like “a gentle breeze” and “walking on grass barefoot.” But those kinds of things never quite work for me.

I know a lot of people relax to flash games, but I often find that if I’m in a bad mood playing popcap games, I’m still in a bad mood after playing. All it does is pass time.

Getting things done is how I feel better. And recently, I found a way to make my life easier, accomplish a lot, save money, and brighten my day a little bit.

Grocery delivery service.

Now, I know these services are thought to be for old people, shut-ins, and lazy wealthy people, but I guarantee you, we are not any of those. Well, maybe shut-in. But not the weird creepy kind.

I was looking into ways to save money. Money is a big issue around here because free-lance doesn’t pay massive amounts, and budgeting has to be tight. And one of the ways money can leak through finger tips is all of those “extras” you get at the grocery store. Things not on your list, but you see and it looks like a good idea. So I thought maybe if I could take the temptation out of getting extras, we could save money. And how do you do that?

Don’t go to the store at all.

I looked around and compared, and found Gopher Groceries. They appealed to me for several reasons. 1) Free delivery over $100, which I can easily do when trying to feed my family of 3 with a teenager growing about an inch a week. 2) Comparable pricing with our local store. 3) Gophers. Having worked at the U of M, I’ve developed an affinity for the little buggers.

I mean, come on! Look at that little guy!

I mean, come on! Look at that little guy!

So I signed up and started shopping. I got hungry while shopping and made myself a sandwich. I ate the sandwich while grocery shopping. There were a few items that ended up in my cart that were “this looks good” items, but I paused for about 15 minutes before submitting the order to make sure of what I needed, and ended up removing those items. Without the embarrassment of walking through the aisles to return them or telling the lady at the register that I didn’t need them.

I selected the time I’d be home for them, and checked out. No impulse aisle grabs. The service saved my list for me so I can compare it with future spending and see what we’re really using.

I got my groceries at 4pm yesterday. The delivery guy had me sign for them, and handed me my groceries. Along with the groceries was a welcome gift. A Gopher Grocery mug.

And now I have a replacement for that mug I broke.

Stormy Weather

Growing up I don’t think I ever experienced a power outage that lasted more than a few hours.



Power outages were a fun little event for my family. We’d dig a few candles out of the closet, grab a board game and camp inside our own home. We’d make sure to turn the lights off and unplug the noisier appliances to make sure that we weren’t awakened by them all turning on when the power inevitably came back on while we slept. There was never any uncertainty or worry.



This weekend was different. Two sets of big thunderstorms on Thursday and Friday knocked down hundreds of trees around the area. Either that or somebody pissed this guy off –







Either way Minnesota has now experienced the worst power outage in it’s history with over 514,000 people losing power. As of now there are still about 40,000 people who still don’t have power. Our house went over 24 hours without power and this was definitely not the fun little event I remember as a child. The situation was much more dire.



I had to dick around on facebook on my phone. While at home.



Like, not even on the toilet. I was in my living room looking at facebook on my phone like some sort of caveman.



Granted, my phone has hotspot so I could still have internet for a laptop that was charged but my laptop battery is shot and my stepson’s laptop was all the way in his bedroom. Jena had a tablet but I didn’t know the password and I didn’t want to waste battery power calling her. To make things worse we ate all the bacon and eggs Saturday morning so they wouldn’t go bad and now we don’t have any bacon and eggs. I’ll either have to go to the store or wait until 4PM when the groceries we ordered online are delivered.



Thankfully, my power came back on around 2AM Sunday morning but I can’t help but feel sorry for those people who still don’t have power. They’ll have to make sure to charge their smartphones at work or in their cars or even take their laptops or tablets to a coffee shop, library, fast food restaurant, bookstore or any other place that has free wifi.

Fuck Off Friday: Facebook Ads!

Okay, kids! It’s Friday and that means it’s time to find something fun to do here on the internet to distract us from thinking about the inexorable march of time that will one day consume us all.



…Alright! Let’s make some internet mischief!



I was originally shown this fun little activity by my friend Becca and I’ve been doing it on facebook whenever I get bored. Facebook has those little sidebar ads and you can hide particular ads if you don’t want to see them anymore.



fbads1



When you choose to hide an ad, facebook asks why you want to hide the ad and gives you a list of options to check. One of the options is “other” and you can type any reason you’d like.



fbads3



Any. Reason.



For example, on the above ancestry.com ad I wrote “My family first emigrated to America fleeing Ireland because they were horse thieves. I’m afraid that if I research my family tree on ancestry.com that the descendants of the family we stole the horses from will come to me looking for the descendants of the horses we stole. I’m not ready to give up those horses.”



netflix



On this one for Netflix I just wrote “I AM THE CEO OF BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO”.



GRAINGER



“Before I got married there was this girl I liked but I never asked her out because I was too shy but I’m pretty sure she knew I liked her and now she works for Grainger and I don’t want her to think I’m stalking her.”



threadless



“My horse thieving grandparents were killed by a laser eyed hipster cat you son of a bitch!”



I doubt anybody ever reads these little notes I send to facebook’s ad team (other than the NSA. Zing!) but hopefully all this info is being gathered to tailor ads for me better.



I doubt it, though, since I haven’t received any sidebar ads for horse thief legal defense.

Paula Deen’s Slavery Themed Dinner Party

Celebrity Chef Paula Deen first shocked the nation with news by revealing that using donuts as hamburger buns and deep frying cheescakes can lead to diabetes. Now she’s shocking the world even more by showing that old people from the south can sometimes be racist.



Specifically, Paula has admitted in court that a dinner party where black waiters dressed like slaves would be super neat.



She didn't say anything about shackles but she wanted to say something about shackles.

She didn’t say anything about shackles but she wanted to say something about shackles.





Wow…



That’s alright. I think there’s a way Paula Deen can learn from this experience and make some good television in the process.



We get her on one of those wacky court TV shows like Texas Justice (is that still on?). The last time I saw that show, the judge was brandishing a wooden bat he called “the justice bat” and made people do wacky shit like dress up in sumo outfits and duke it out. The judge will sentence Paula Deen in a poetic “let the punishment fit the crime” fashion to spend one month serving a black family. Have the cameras follow her around as she carries out her sentence.



At first she’s really insensitive and maybe serves them fried chicken and watermelon for dinner while giggling but over time she comes to learn the dual lesson that everybody should already know of “slavery sucks” and “racism is bad”.



You could call the show “Guess Who’s Serving Us Dinner?”

Hair Stockings. HAIR. STOCKINGS.

`Perverts are a problem all over the world. They leer, they ogle, they stare and sometimes they grope. Women have been forced to deal with pervs ever since “no” was invented and recently some crafty mind in China came up with a new way to handle them.



hairylegs



Well, they work. My boner’s gone.



The stockings, which were shared on a Chinese social network site and found by HuffPo are probably more of a novelty gift and probably won’t be the new fashion rage but I think they’re way off the mark. Not because they perpetuate a culture where the victims of sexual assault are considered the responsible parties and should cover themselves up if they don’t want to get attacked. I’m worried that if they catch on they’ll create super-pervs.



That’s right. Super pervs.



Pervs are just like any living thing. They evolve. The world is facing a huge crisis right now because certain bacteria like Tuberculosis are becoming resistant to antibiotics. The same thing can happen with pervs.



Think about it. If most women who were frequent targets of pervs start wearing hair stockings, the pervs won’t go away. They’ll just find new targets for leering and then those women will start wearing hair stockings and eventually all women are wearing them.



Not only is this gross but it doesn’t solve the problem. The pervs don’t just die off with nothing to stare at. They’ll evolve and eventually hairy legs are the biggest fetish among pervs and now I can’t wear shorts in public anymore.



Goddamn pervs.

I <3 Fandom!!!1!

I have CONvergence on the brain.

The British are coming! And if you're lucky...

The British are coming! And if you’re lucky…

I’ve got my sleeping situation figured out, I’ve decided on a schedule that I will promptly throw out once I get there, and I’m deciding which booze to bring.

Many of you know that for the past few years, I’ve run the Stand Up! Records party room. I am not this year. Stand Up! Records and I are not having a fight or anything like that… no drama. But when all of us at Fearless were talking about starting up Fearless, I knew we were going to want a party room, and that I was the best person to get that going.

Go to the Stand Up! Records room in their regular spot at 128. They will still have their signature acts and booze. So much booze.

Me drunkenly hugging my friend Ulla at the Stand Up! Records room party as she cosplayed the bee girl from Blind Melon. She had an audio device between her boobs playing No Rain.

Me drunkenly hugging my friend Ulla at the Stand Up! Records room party as she cosplayed the bee girl from Blind Melon. She had an audio device between her boobs playing No Rain.

Fearless room party at 224 will also have booze. And some other fun stuff I’m not going to tell you about yet. But I promise- you will want to stop by. And often.

Look, the point is- booze.

Last year, I spent all of CONvergence drunk. I went to bed drunk, I woke up drunk, my many SUR minions kept me in the booze. I sobered up when I left to perform a wedding. And then, when I got back to CON, the first thing that happened was that I was handed a wine skin with wine in it. And I drank that wine. And then everything else besides.

It’s like 4am on Sunday last year, and I had been drunk damn near the whole weekend starting Thursday. I helped a friend with a bottle of tequila, and Matt comes by with what I think was a Dr. Fixit, so of course I drink that as well. It was Matt’s first time experiencing CON full on, and we ended up in CONsuite, looking out from the balcony, watching the nerds do their nerd things, and having a conversation about what CON was.

It looked a lot like this:

And in my drunken stupor, I waxed philosophical.

I made a very elegant speech about how beautiful it was that these super nerds could all get together in one spot and be honest about their nerd in a non-judgmental place. That they didn’t have to have the best cosplay costume, but that the people here valued the love and effort put into it. That we were surrounded by people being true to who they were, and experiencing unbridled fandom in its purest form. And isn’t that glorious?

I got a standing ovation. People threw flowers. I won and Oscar for it. I then made the best thank you speech based of of the speech I made, and won an Oscar off of that.

And then I wen to my room and passed out. Because much like the people around me, I had just spent the past weekend celebrating the thing I nerd out over the most- that has my heart, that is a true passion of mine, that I enjoy honestly and unabashedly.

Booze. Glorious, glorious booze.

A Poor Person’s Guide to Beating the Heat.

It came a little late this year but summer is starting to rear it’s ugly, mosquito ridden head in Minnesota. Temperatures are starting to rise and the humidity is increasing, things that make life miserable if you’re fat and hairy like me. If you’re also painfully poor like me, you probably don’t have central AC in your home and the one window unit you have is so old and shitty it doesn’t do anything except drive up your electric bill-



Also it doesn't fit in the window very well and bugs get in.

Also it doesn’t fit in the window very well and bugs get in.





In fact, a lot of summertime cool-down activities may be out of your financial reach. Air conditioned movie theater? Maybe a matinee if you find some change in the couch cushion. Water park? Doubtful. Here’s a few things you can do to beat the heat if you’re on a shoestring budget.



COLD SHOWERS
They’re not just for relieving sexual frustration anymore! Cold showers are a great way to cool off on a hot day. If you’re renting, chances are you’re not paying for water. Since this is America, water is an unlimited resource that will never run out. Take three cold showers a day and try not to think about Africa!



FREEZE POPS
freezies



Freezies, freeze pops, fla-vor-ice, stickless popsicles, bag-of-frozen-corn-syrup. Whatever you call these things there’s two undeniable truths: The blue ones are the best and they’re cheap as hell. You can get a bag of 50 of these for just a few bucks or if you’re really looking to splurge, some gas stations have the giant ones for 50 cents.



GOING TO THE GROCERY STORE AND PRETENDING TO SHOP FOR FROZEN FOOD
Chances are if you’re going to the grocery store you’re only there to pick up beans, bread or ramen but that can’t stop you from going to a frozen food aisle. There is no law preventing you from opening a freezer door and pretending like you’re going to get something but can’t decide what. You can spend all the time you want debating whether you want frozen corn or frozen peas before leaving with neither of them. Put one of them on your head for a little bit, it feels wonderful on a hot day. Who’s going to say something? Would you confront the crazy person at the store putting frozen veggies on their head? Go ahead and walk around the store with frozen peas on your head while you do the remainder of your shopping and then just put them back when you’re done. Nobody fucks with the guy with peas on his head.



SELLING YOUR SOUL
When you make a pact with a demon they plunge their claws into your heart and rip out the essence of what makes you unique and loved. The emptiness that is left inside of you feels like a cold, unfillable void that chills your core no matter what the temperature. Plus you can sell your soul for a decent air conditioner or something.



Stay cool out there!