Poor Wayne LaPierre

Posted on January 31, 2013 by Bill

You can’t help but feel sorry for Wayne LaPierre. He’s got a job that, at times, can be the worst job in the world.
He’s the Executive Vice President and pretty much the voice of the NRA.

Poor guy.

Now you may think that he’s actually got a pretty sweet job. $970,000 annual salary. All the guns you can shoot. Free camouflage clothing. It’s not all perks, though.

Every time there’s a mass shooting, Wayne LaPierre has to go out and explain why guns aren’t to blame.

Every time! Can you imagine? Every single time somebody goes and kills a bunch of people with guns and the nation is left shocked, horrified and looking for answers the first thing that goes through this guy’s brain is “alright. How am I going to spin this?”

He has to change the reason pretty frequently, too because the public won’t swallow the same load of bullshit from him multiple times. He and his crew have to cook up new reasons every time a bunch of people are shot to death. Think about what it’s like trying to come up with a new reason mass shootings happen time after time and being forced to ignore the one thing linking every single one. My heart goes out to Mr. LaPierre.

And now yesterday former congresswoman and Gun Control activist Gabrielle Giffords struggled to eloquently voice a plea to take action to prevent more gun violence and Wayne LaPierre testifies at that same hearing saying gun control laws don’t work?

In case you forgot, the reason Gabrielle Giffords struggled to say just a few sentences is because she was shot in the fucking head. Being the victim of a mass shooting has really made gun control a priority for her but Wayne LaPierre had to look her in the face, a face that just caught a bullet two years ago and tell her she’s wrong about gun control. That has to be tough.

I gotta hand it to Wayne. I could never do what he does.

Craigslist Job Ad Search: 50 Shades of Fun!

Posted on January 30, 2013 by Bill

Yesterday I was looking through the “talent” section of Craigslist job ads hoping to find an ad to send a fake reply to as I have done many times before. It’s become increasingly difficult, however, to find a job ad posting that isn’t for strippers, webcam girls or just plain’ ol’ hookers. While I am poor and would sell my dignity in a second there’s nobody buying what I’m selling. Could be that my prices are too high ($5,000 you get to see my butt. $10,000 you get to see a ball).

Trying to sift through all the requests to have hot young women sit on cakes on a webcam or whatever, I saw several creepy ads looking for an “assistant”. These were all posted on the same day within about 4 hours of each other. Here they are in order from earliest to latest –

Posted: 2013-01-29, 9:52AM CST
great pay for right female
My assistant of two years has moved to Florida so I need to fill her position asap. Your part would include, going to dinner, shopping, back rubs, looking sexy, teasing me. In return you could expect exceptional compensation. You must be very comfortable with your body and like to flaunt it. Must be very flirty and friendly. I am picky. I am a business owner in the Twin Cities and do not have time for a full blown relationship. This could turn into a full time gig for the right person. If interested you must send 3 pics of yourself and a brief descrip of why you think you would be agood fit. If you get my attention, I will email you back. Thanks!
Okay. Kinda creepy. Basically this guy wants to pay a girl to… be his flirty go-go masseuse?

Posted: 2013-01-29, 11:59AM CST
REAL DEAL! (Uptown)
You may be looking for a real gig that will help you financially! Most of the ads are unreal, and have nothing to pay. How about something real, lasting, and beneficial? Looking for a girl who is interested in an alternative arrangement that can help her financially! If interested, send a pic and let’s chat further.
Okay I don’t know if this one is from the same guy. It’s got the same feel as the other ads but it feels like it was written by a Ukranian spambot that just learned english.

Posted: 2013-01-29, 12:07PM CST
$omething Different, $omething Fun (Minneapolis)
Sometimes as a man gets older and he becomes more successful he finds that he has more opportunities to get what he wants. And sometimes a successful man would prefer an arrangement over the dating games or a traditional relationship. If you are fun, young, attractive female who likes to party and go out and have fun, then this is for you. If you would prefer a guy to take you out, spoil you, take you shopping, and just have fun than you would to a traditional relationship, then this is for you. I am an attractive white male, early 30’s, with pics to share. If you are interested in something different, fun, and unique, write me back and tell me about yourself, send me a few pics and I will reply back and do the same. Why not get what you want for once right?
Sometimes as a man gets older and he becomes more successful he finds that he can’t form an emotional bond with anybody so he pays girls to pretend to like him. Also, what’s with the dollar sign “S” in the title? You imply that the applicant will get paid because you posted this in “jobs”. The fact that you’re paying is not a selling point.

Posted: 2013-01-29, 12:16PM CST
Fun Personal Assistant Wanted (Minneapolis)
Are you young, sexy, like to meet new people, like to drink be wild and have fun, and make money while you are doing it? Successful, white, attractive businessman, early 30’s, is looking for a personal assistant to help with various services from entertaining, errands, to modeling and cleaning in a french maids outfit. This can be as fun and sexy as u want to make it. If you have always wanted to try something different you should at least give it a shot and find out, u never know, it could be alot of fun. If you are interested reply back with some pictures of you as well as any information about yourself and what you are looking for and I will get back to you with more details. Thanks.
Hold up! This is the first ad he’s actually listed any non-creepy or overtly sexual work in the ads. “Errands”? I thought he was just looking for a 40 hour a week slut but it seems he wants his personal stripper to be able to go out and get his dry cleaning every once in a while. That’s how they trick you. You start the job thinking it’s going to be easy. Some back rubs and parading around in a french maid’s outfit but eventually he’s going to want you to put on that french maid’s outfit and actually clean some shit.

Posted: 2013-01-29, 1:38PM CST
50 Shades of Fun (Minneapolis)
Successful, white, attractive businessman, early 30’s, looking to hire an attractive white female for various services and activities. If you are interested please reply back with a few pictures and a description about yourself and why you responded and what you are looking for. I will get back to you with pictures of me and more details and we can go from there. I’m sure you can figure out how this works 🙂
“Various Activities”, the “50 shades” reference. I’m sure you can figure out how this works 🙂 The last ad was the least descriptive yet somehow the creepiest.

So there you go, ladies! If you’ve ever thought of sexual harassment as a full time job, just click on any of the blue links above and a humiliating future awaits!

Sex and Murder… Real Lady Killers

Posted on January 29, 2013 by Jena

I’ve recently been working with Six Elements Theater on their upcoming production of Zastrozzi.

I hate film trailers for live theater. It always comes across awkward to me. It’s like taking a picture of a painting and telling people to come to the art gallery. There’s just so much you’re missing, and what you get is so misrepresented. Trying to capture live theater on camera… It always feels so melodramatic to me.

Yeah… just a bit. But the play itself is so goddamned good. It’s evil and sex and murder and some incredible stage combat. I’ve seen the rehearsals. It’s pretty frigging amazing.

I got called in as a weapons specialist. The weapon, you ask? Feminine wiles.

It started off as a bit of a joke. One of the actresses and I were playing with a specific scene, and I suggested a movement to help make everything sexy dangerous. The director wanted me involved for my skills in movement and playing seductive. And we came up with that fantastic title for my theater resume.

I’m incredibly excited to pair it up with this headshot:

It’s not the sword that you should be worried about…

Turns out, feminine wiles is a very real and dangerous weapon.

Let’s start with the murder attempt that keeps YoungNotions at the “adult” level of entertainment. A woman from Brazil tried to kill her husband by putting poison on her cooter and convincing him to go down on her. He said that it almost worked, too. But when he was there, he thought something smelled fishy.

Not that fishy. The other fishy. Gross.

Sensing something not right, he brought her to the hospital and told staff there about the strange odor. They ran some tests, and found traces of poison.

I have a vilification tennis insult that goes “The last man to eat you out died of food poisoning.” I never thought someone would take that as a suggestion.

That’s not the only attempt on a mans life with lady bit this month. A couple weeks ago a woman actually smothered her boyfriend to death with her boobs. They had been drinking and fighting, and apparently she just climbed on top of him and buried his face in her heaving bosom.

She had a chest that could take your breath away.

New Year’s Resolution Update: Flossing.

Posted on January 28, 2013 by Bill

It’s Monday so that means it’s time to take another look at all those New Year’s Resolutions I made and see how I’m doing. Today I’d like to take a look at the 11th resolution that I threw in a week after my original post. Floss every day.

I’ve actually been pretty good with this one. Missed a couple of days here and there over the last four weeks but for the most part I’ve been flossing before I brush every day. This is a big change from my old routine. My old routine was –

1. Buy floss.
2. Use once.
3. Repeat after 6 months.

My first time flossing in a while was a bit of a… bloody experience but now I’m in a groove I can get that minty string all up in my gums without any blood at all. To help out people who are in the same boat I was in a few weeks ago I’ve put together a handy little picture guide to getting back on that flossing horse. Here you go!

Okay, so you haven’t flossed in a while and the last time you did floss you weren’t exactly in a “daily routine”. That’s fine! The important thing is that you’ve decided to make an effort now to have better dental hygine. Now you may be thinking that even when you did floss you may not have been doing it right so don’t worry. I’ll go through step by step the correct way to floss so you can get the best results for your effort!

STEP 1:
Take about 18 inches of dental floss and wrap the ends around your middle fingers until you have about 4-6 inches to work with. Slide the floss between two teeth with a sawing motion.
flossing 002

STEP 2:
Glide the floss up and down between your teeth, making sure to get all the way into the tip of the gums. If you haven’t flossed in a while there may be some slight bleeding but that’s perfectly normal.
flossing 003

STEP 3:
Unwrap a little floss from one hand and wrap up a little in the other to make sure you have a clean piece as you go from tooth to tooth. Don’t worry about the blood. Your gums are probably just a little inflamed from the plaque buildup and as you make flossing a regular part of your daily hygiene you’ll experience no bleeding in the future!
flossing 005

STEP 4
After flossing most of your teeth you may experience bleeding in other orifices. As shown here, blood has filled my sinus cavities and is now spilling out of my tear ducts as it cannot come out of my mouth fast enough.
flossing 007

STEP 5
If this is your first time flossing in a while you may experience some dizzyness from blood loss and even briefly lose consciousness. This is totally normal. Once you have regained consciouness clean yourself up and make sure to floss the next day. It gets easier every time!
flossing 008

Hope this helps!

George Lucas Thankfully not Directing Next “Star Wars” Movie.

Posted on January 25, 2013 by Bill

I like Star Wars.

I’m not a Star Wars nerd, but I do like Star Wars. I’ve seen the original trilogy multiple times and saw all the shitty prequels in the theater the day they were released. I own a plastic lightsaber. I read the Thrawn trilogy in high school and for an english class group project we made a film spoof of Camelot and I played Mordred in a Darth Vader mask. Also I walked around high school in this t-shirt –

I was getting so much pussy in high school that it was distracting from my studies so I threw this t-shirt on and joined marching band to give me a moment’s peace.

All this and I’m still not a Star Wars nerd.

Star Wars nerds have read the hundreds of Star Wars novels, comic books and guides available. They read and edit the nearly 101,000 articles on Wookiepedia, the Star Wars wiki where even the types of trees on the planet Chewbacca is from get their own six paragraph article. Those are Star Wars Nerds and I am not one of them.

I do enjoy Star Wars, however, and have an opinion on JJ Abrams directing the next film.

I’m for it.

I’m for it because I’ve enjoyed other stuff he’s directed but I’m mostly for it because he’s not George Lucas.

Want to know why the prequels sucked so bad? George Lucas wrote and directed them.

Think about it. Empire Strikes Back was written and directed by other people, Return of the Jedi was directed and co-written by different people. The two best Star Wars movies were made by people who weren’t George Lucas. Sure, he hit a home run with the first film but he came back and re-released the original trilogy 20 years later and made them all worse! He’s a madman who will go back and ruin his own good movies!

Frankly, keeping George Lucas as far as possible from the new movie is probably the best thing for it.

What’s weird is that I’ve seen a lot of people online commenting about Abrams directing it but nobody’s talking about who’s writing it. Not George Lucas.

George Lucas is being credited with writing the “characters” but the actual writing credit is going to Michael Arndt. Know what else Michael Arndt wrote? Toy Story 3 and Little Miss Sunshine.

So I’m not a Star Wars nerd and I’m sure there are Star Wars nerds out there who are furious about the new movie but I’m looking forward to seeing it.

The Things You Weirdos Type Into Search Engines Volume 473: Toe Sock Sex

Posted on January 24, 2013 by Bill

Many of our regular readers know that occasionally I’ll plumb the depths of our site stats to find out what people are typing into search engines like bing or blekko that lead them to this site. It’s been a while so let’s take a look at what you pervs are asking Jeeves when nobody is looking!

Toe Socks Sex
We’ve actually had two hits from this. Somewhere out there there’s two people who are searching for porn involving this-

Almost all toe socks are multicolored or rainbow striped. It’s impossible to find normal toe socks because there’s no such thing as normal toe socks.

Two people (at least) with this very specific fetish. Call me a hopeless romantic but I think these two people could possibly be soul mates. I think this could make for a great movie.

Start off with a lonely divorced guy wandering the mall looking for something to fill the void in his heart that his wife left when she took the kids. He stumbles upon some toe socks in a Gadzooks window. He immediately falls in love with them and works up the nerve to go in and buy a pair but the last were just sold to a quirky twentysomething artist that’s using them for a kooky sculpture or something. She gives him a flyer for her art show and heads out.

Frustrated, he crumples up the flyer, shoves it in his pocket and goes home to find pictures of toe socks on the internet to drool over. He eventually finds a pair of toe socks that were worn by Zooey Deschanel that were worn on the set of New Girl up for auction and knows he must have them! He enters a fierce bidding war with somebody but loses it at the last minute.

Eventually he finds the crumpled up flyer for the art gallery show “Fuzzytoes” and decides to go and check it out. There on display he sees the rainbow striped Zooey Deschanel toe socks right in the middle of the gallery. While he admires the prize he lost the artist comes up to him and says “Beautiful, aren’t they? I almost lost the auction. Whoever “SockSlut69″ is he sure wanted to own these. Can’t say I blame him, though. Toe socks are really sexy.”

They lock eyes and kiss. The remaining 45 minutes is just them banging in toe socks. Tastefully, though. This isn’t some gross toe sock porn. It’s an R-rated toe sock fetishist romance film.

Good Grief, Peter Robbins

Posted on January 23, 2013 by Jena

Charles M. Schulz, Peanuts creator and super cartoonist of doom, was born and raised in St. Paul. Being one of the most exciting things to happen to St. Paul ever (being a state capitol is boring), the city launched the “Peanuts on Parade” tributes to Charles. These “parades” were a different character every year. The first year, 2000, featured Snoopy. I know this because after my son was born, my Baby Daddy posed with one of these statues on display at the hospital where I had just spent the past 12 hours in back labor.

Not the actual picture respecting BabyDaddy’s privacy. But this is the statue.

There have been other characters in years to follow. Charlie Brown, Lucy, Linus… and Snoopy’s dog house. Do you know who wasn’t featured? Charlie Brown’s crush. The little red-haired girl.

We hear about her all the time in the animated cartoons. That little girl that Charlie brown has a crush on. Everyone knows except her. And you have to think that if EVERYONE knew, she probably did too. She probably had no interest in Charlie Brown, and just kept making herself unavailable, meeting up with other friends when it looked like he was getting close.

He tried, poor Charlie Brown. Trying to get up the courage to talk to her. Manipulating events around him just to get closer to her. Not actually saying anything to her… just, you know, being near her.

It’s a little creepy. Like he’s stalking her.

In a completely unrelated note, Peter Robbins, the voice of Charlie Brown, was arrested on charges of stalking.

I wonder where he learned that from?

New Year’s Resolution Update: RESOLUTION X (Don’t give up!)

Posted on January 22, 2013 by Bill

Alright, kiddos. It’s time once again to take a weekly look at all those promises I made January 1st and see how they’re holding up. Let’s just look at the ones I’ve broken this week.

Work out every day I’m not working my day job.
This one’s probably the one I want to accomplish the most but has been the hardest one to get into a groove. I’m looking to lose some pounds and tone up so I can conquer the mocking island of fat failure. Jena even bought me a pull up bar to help me out but I haven’t even installed it in the door frame (who even owns a drill these days, right?). I did go for a walk yesterday but came back after 15 minutes because it was too cold.

No more junk food
I’ve been doing okay with this one for the most part. There have been some setbacks (damn your convenience and affordability, fast food!) but I’ve been eating healthier overall. Except for Sunday. Sunday there was a pumpkin pie.

There’s been an entire pumpkin pie in the freezer since Thanksgiving. I decided that some freezer space needed to be cleared up so I brought it out and ate some pie with the wife. Here’s a pie chart to show how that went down.

Ladies and gentlemen, here are the limits of my ms paint abilities.

RED: How much pie I cut for myself
GREEN: Additional pie put on my plate because I cut the first slice all sloppy and there was just loose pie bits hanging around in the tin.
BLUE: Jena’s slice.
YELLOW: Thought it was safe but I totally came back for it like ten minutes later.
BLACK: Remaining pie. Currently in fridge. Going to ask the wife and boy to eat that soon because I CANNOT BE TRUSTED.

So yeah, pumpkin pie is delicious and I’m an awful glutton.

Quit playing stupid flash games
This has been the hardest one of all my resolutions to kick. I don’t think I’ve even strung two days together on this one. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Actually meet all my writing deadlines for this website and my sketch comedy stuff.
Well, this was supposed to go up yesterday so…

Stop biting my fingernails.
This has been the second toughest thing to kick. No clue why, just can’t get enough of that sweet, sweet keratin.

Get more standup comedy work in 2013.
Hasn’t happened yet. I don’t know why not. I haven’t tried to get any work. I guess the only thing I can do now is to actually try to get work. Hopefully doing something will yield better results than doing nothing.

Hard to tell, though. I’ve never tried doing something before. First time for everything, I guess.

More resolutioney goodness next week!

A Warm Greeting in a Cold State

Posted on January 21, 2013 by Jena

For the readers not in Minnesota, it’s cold outside. I mean, really cold out. I mean, it’s holy shit balls cold outside. The temp is -9°F with a wind chill of -31°F. There are severe wind chill warnings and suggestions in red to limit outdoor exposure.

Look, Canada. We get it. You’re tougher than us. You’re so tough that you had nothing to prove and named your towns things that sound silly in English but mean things like “majestic eagle” and “dancing doe” in other languages. You’re so tough that Wawa, Ontario (Ojibwe: “wild goose”) has the same exact temp and windchill, and historically speaking, today is “a little on the chilly side.”

The town of Wawa, as seen from the other side of Lake Wawa.

But to the rest of America, Minnesota right now is the frozen wasteland that we imagine Wawa to be. Minnesotans cultivate this “tough as nails” persona because it’s the only way we can justify staying here. While California today is complaining about 33°F, Minnesota is shouting Minnesota nice (there’s seriously a wikipedia article on MN nice) at them, like “do you need us to bring you a sweater?” secretly hoping they say yes so we have an excuse to go to a place where the temperature is above freezing.

Minnesotan’s also have a habit of saying the phrase “cold enough for ya?” It’s like we’re daring each other to give up and go back to nicer climates. And because we’re stubborn bastards, we’re all still here, on a bet that we can’t hack it.

If you can’t take the cold, get out of the freezer!

I used to live in North Minneapolis. It’s known as a “bad neighborhood” which is unfair to the good parts of North, but there are some pretty scary pockets. I was living in one of these scary pockets, possibly the worst (Jordan neighborhood, for those in the know) and one particularly bitter winter day, I needed to go grocery shopping. So I went to my local store, purchased the needed items, and headed towards the exit. On either side of the door were two urban youth. And by that, I mean young men dressed in the kind of clothes you picture when I say “gangsta rappa.”

And only one of them was black. Way to be racist on Martin Luther King Jr day, asshole.

Anyway, I see these two guys, and I’m thinking “well shit. I’m about to get harassed.” Not because they’re men, or even that they’re urban youth. But because they are dudes in that particular neighborhood at that particular store where I had been harassed by dudes 100 times before on exiting. Somehow they always seem to know that I have a sweet ass, even under my 20 layers of winter clothing and knee-length winter coat.

So I brace myself. I walk out the door, and sure enough, I get hailed by one of the urban youth. “Yo,” he says, and as I turn to look him in the eye, he adds “cold enough for ya?”

Slacking on the Job Taken to a Whole New Level

Posted on January 18, 2013 by Jena

My job isn’t very easily defined. I’m 1 part homemaker, 1 part learning coach for an online student, 1 part YoungNotions managing person, and 2 parts Fearless marketing director.

As a marketing director, I spend a lot of time online. On our website, on Facebook promoting events, on Twitter. For YoungNotions, I’m doing the same, but only promoting 1 company, not 7. On top of writing half the articles (ahem). As a learning coach, I log on to my son’s online school to record attendance and keep up with his classes. Even as a homemaker, I’m online looking up bread recipes.

My point is, I have found ways to spend the majority of my time on the internet that I love.

I made it myself!

What I have NOT tried in my quest for more internet time is to outsource my job.

ABC (which is fast becoming my favorite in wacky news) reports that a man (ABC calls him Bob) was caught personally outsourcing his job to China. He was getting rave reviews from his managers on his incredible work. All the while, some dude in China was getting a 6th of this guy’s paycheck for doing all his work.

It was going so well, Bob started doing the same thing with a couple other companies. So when he got caught at this one, several other dudes in China lost their jobs.

And what was Bob doing with all that free time? Stellar reporter Julie Gerstein from “The Friskey” found the answer:

9:00 a.m. – Arrive and surf Reddit for a couple of hours. Watch cat videos.
11:30 a.m. – Take lunch.
1:00 p.m. – Ebay time.
2:00 p.m – Facebook/LinkedIn updates
4:30 p.m. – End of day update e-mail to management.
5:00 p.m. – Go home.

This is absolutely deplorable. He should be ashamed of himself. All that free time, and not one minute of Twitter or Steam.

January 2013
S	M	T	W	T	F	S
« Dec				Feb »
		1	2	3	4	5
6	7	8	9	10	11	12
13	14	15	16	17	18	19
20	21	22	23	24	25	26
27	28	29	30	31