Monthly Archives: October 2012

Happy Anniversary!!

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I’m sick. Really sick. Freezing under a pile of blankets while sweating sick.

And it’s mine and Bill’s 2 year anniversary. We’ve been married 2 years today. We’ve been together over 4 years.

I planned on blogging about it today, but I’m really sick. My brain is like a mush of can’t think. I just woke up from my second nap of the day, and I’m ready for another.

What was I talking about again?

OH! Bill. Gosh, I really like that guy. I like him a lot. So much that I married him 2 years ago. It’s been a good two years, too.

Sorry- I’m back. I had to run to the bathroom. Seriously, kids. I am really sick.

The thing is, last year on our anniversary, he made this incredible post about how I stole his engagement idea. For Valentines day, he made me a thoughtful card and posted it. For my birthday, he talked about how awesome I am. I wanted to do the same for him today.

I wanted to talk about our courtship. How we met at an open mic, and how impressed I was with how little ego he seemed to have for a stand up. How I enjoyed hanging out with him at Monday Night Comedy Show, and how we would tease each other, but just as friends. How he asked me on Facebook chat to tell me if I ever had a crush on him, and then I said that I had. He didn’t ask me out then, so I figure my shot was over. And then the next night, as I was lamenting the lack of gentlemen in the world, he told me he was one and asked if he could prove it to me.

I was going to talk about our first official date, where we got super dressed up and went to the CC Club. How I got buffalo sauce in my eye, and then he impressed me with his sweet nerd skills in Galaga. How we went back to my place, and just talked for hours. And made out a little.

I was going to talk about the first time he told me he loved me. He said he opposite of hated me, and I told him that was indifference, and then we argued over what the opposite of hate was, and he pulled out a thesaurus, and showed me the antonym for hate was love. And then I said I opposite of hated him, too.

I was going to talk about how, when I told him I just had a sweet idea for a Fringe show, and applications were due in 5 days, and I had no money… how he encouraged me to apply to Fringe, and to apply for a deferment of payment, and that he believed in my ability to produce a show. And how, when I produced that show, he was there every step of the way, running for me, playing stage manager, and just supporting me when it all became too much.

I was going to talk about how wonderful it is to write with him… how we both approach comedy differently and can come together to write a sketch that is a thousand times better than what we could do separately.

And how awesome it is that we share a blog.

And how he makes me chicken soup when I’m sick.

But you guys… I can’t do it any justice. I want to talk about these things, not just mention them and that they happened, but nothing I can think to say is good enough. Nothing really shows how incredible and amazing Bill is, or how absolutely wonderful our marriage. None of my words are good enough.

When we got married 2 years ago, and a comedy show host had us vow for better or worse, in good and in bad, through sickness and health…. as long as we both shall live.

Bill, you’re stuck with me and my sickness. You vowed it, sucker. As an anniversary present this year, I got you some snot blown into a tissue. I made it myself.

Happy anniversary!

I’ve Got a Case of the Goddamned Mondays

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I know- I’m a homemaker. Mondays shouldn’t affect me anymore. When I took the gig, I was looking forward to not having to roll out of bed at 7 in the morning so I could get to work at 9, drink a bunch of tar that passes for something coffee like, and then walk people through creating desktop shortcuts. A typical conversation would have me saying “No, I want you to right click on the desktop. No, not the computer icon. Yes, that’s right. Right click on the picture of your cat.”

Look, if you could figure out how to change the wallpaper on your desktop to a picture of your cat, you should know what your desktop is. Hell, you probably right-clicked your desktop and went to properties to change your wallpaper in the first place.

LOLcats on a Monday morning. See, it’s funny ’cause cats don’t have jobs or drink coffee, but people do.

The point is, I left all that to spend days home, working on projects, helping my son school on-line, and keeping my home clean and cooking meals for my man. LIKE ANY GOOD WOMAN SHOULD.

But what really happens is that I get out of bed at 8, make breakfast for Jared and get him ready for school which he starts at 9, figure out the schooling for the day, and then I stare blankly at my computer screen trying to figure out what blog post I’m making for the day.

Ahem.

And still, Mondays are the worst. I spent all day yesterday curled up with my husband watching Parks and Rec, and now you’re telling me I have to deal with Monday again? Seriously, fuck Mondays.

And by Mondays, I do not mean black people.

Yeah, I know everyone else learned this a few months ago, but I’m just now catching up. If you have been living under a rock with me, this is for you. Monday = African American ethnic slur. For more on this, we turn to on the scene ace reporter Russell Peters:
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nnc6Asflzq8]

To be fair, if you’re going to be insulting, calling someone a Monday is possibly the worst day of the week you could throw at them. I mean, I really can’t think of a better day of the week to throw at someone.

There. the post is done. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go back to drinking coffee and looking at cute pictures of cats. Just not black ones.

What? It’s because they’re bad luck.

Racist.

What’s Your Sign?

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Okay, so there are two pretty divisive votes up on the ballot in MN this coming election. One for a Voter I.D. law and one to amend the MN constitution to say that marriage is only between one man and one woman. Even though polls indicate both laws will probably pass I’ve held out hope that these will get shot down. I think a lot of that hope has been kept alive by the fact that I live in Uptown and am surrounded by a sea of “Vote No!” signs.



Unfortunately, my new job takes me into the suburbs a lot and now I’m surrounded by a sea of this shit –



It’s nice to see republicans try to connect with one minority by shitting on another.





Wh… what does that picture have to do with Voter ID? “Vote Yes on Voter ID or this girl won’t get to hug her soldier dad for some reason!”





I have to say that when I see a “vote yes” sign in somebody’s yard it actually makes me angry. I kind of want to take it out or vandalize it but I’d never actually do that because that’s just wrong. I mean, who’d actually do that shit?



vote no yes?






Oh, right. They would. To be fair –



That’s just paper taped on there so it isn’t really vandalism but… either way the rainbow’s a nice touch.





So we can’t fuck up their signs (even though they fuck up ours) but I still want to show them that I’m pissed off. I want to make the bigots with the vote yes yard signs angry without breaking any laws or actually causing any damage or harm. I think I know something that might work.



I want to get a gay couple to make out in front of the house of somebody with a “vote yes” sign. No nudity or sex (illegal), not in their yard (trespassing), just have a couple of gay dudes or chicks just making out on the public sidewalk in front of their house. The couple get’s hot makeouts and the opportunity to piss off a homophobe. Everybody wins!



… everybody wins except the homophobe but whatever.

If you’d like to be the couple making out please email your application to bill@youngnotions.com! I will provide transportation to the closest suburb and a hot lunch. Makeouts must last until somebody notices or 20 minutes or whenever you get tired of it.

SEXY Halloween Costumes Part 2- Revenge of the 80’s

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Yesterday, we focused on the more sexist and racist and generally offensive costumes. Today, we will focus on the “what the Hell are they thinking?” costumes.

Like the 80’s. The entire decade was pretty much a WTF decade. Sure, I grew up in them, and I loved my childhood. Which is why this attack on my childhood is so painful.

From the books I read:

To my educational programming:

To my cuddly happy cartoons:

To my adventure action figures:

To my goddamned video games:

Note the name “Sexy Red Plumber Costume.” Nintendo is currently my favorite for not allowing them to use the name.

It’s like my entire childhood was molested and forced to star in a shitty porn. And you think your precious Ninja Turtles are safe?

Raphael was rude and decided not to appear in my post.

Oh hey- anyone else notice that the last “costume” isn’t even a costume? Apparently, wearing a tank dress that barely covers your ass is the new thing in “costuming.” Damnit- back in my day, we made costumes out of cardboard boxes and duct tape, and we spent hours painting them to look like actual transformers or lego people. When the hell did we decide that THIS:

become a costume? Or a dress, now that I think about it… I’m kinda contemplating buying them as shirts.

Nerds not your thing? Have a large group? How about a bag of blowpops?

Candy not your thing? You could be breakfast:

Or you could give up all pretense:

Look, I honestly don’t care if you dress as a sexy whatever. It makes you feel pretty? Have at. My complaint isn’t sexy women walking around in next to nothing. I’m kinda for it. My complaint is the lack of creativity and out right costume in many of these costumes. Dressing up slutty just to dress slutty doesn’t really do it for me. It doesn’t say Halloween costume to me. It says “dressing slutty which is a thing I can do any day of the year.” Put a little more effort into your costume. Put a little thought into it. Make me think you use your brain, too. Because brains are sexy as hell.

I was unable to find a sexy brain Halloween costume. Shame. I would buy the hell out of that.

Halloween Costumes… SEXY Halloween Costumes! Part 1

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Halloween is right around the corner. And you know what that means?

Time for horribly made, horribly offensive, and horribly wrong sexy Halloween costume shopping!!! Ladies, I did all the footwork this year so you don’t have to. And by footwork, I mean I went to exactly ONE website. One that was posted to my Facebook feed by alert reader Seth. Actually, I’m not sure he reads this blog. And he can be kind of distracted sometimes, but overall, I guess he’s pretty alert…

So, because fairly alert maybe reader Seth posted this one website, I spent over an hour perusing the site, and gathering only the best of the worst of what www.yandy.com had to offer. I should add that I’ve not only posted the pictures, but they all link back to their purchase page. Also, if you hover over the pictures, you get the awful names for each outfit (“Deluxe Combat Camo Chick” will totally kick your ass unless she chips a nail first).

You’re welcome.

So, the above starts us off with the standard “sexy occupation” costumes. There were far more than the above, way more than I could post here. I actually had many more tabs open with many more occupations, but then my internet browser crashed and I had to restart my computer. That is a true story- there were so many. There were also a lot of “sexy school girls”:

In fact, there’s an entire section of them. I understand the appeal… It’s a pretty easy costume to pull off, and it’s pretty much guarenteed to get you laid if you so choose. In fact, I’ve done it before. It’s how I got to know my BabyDaddy. Show up to a cast party for RenFest in a schoolgirl outfit, and return the following year with a 2 month old infant.

Speaking of RenFest, we could redo the Renaissance Festival in “sexy Renaissance” costumes…

…especially those belly dancing gypsies…

…but quite frankly, our costumes are already pretty damn sexy, and WAY better put together. Also, I’m not entirely sure anyone would notice the difference.

Speaking of, did you know that Gypsy is actually a derogatory term for the Romani people? It’s true! So not only were those above costumes slutty, but they were also racist. LEt’s marginalize women AND stereotype minorities at the same time!!! And… GO!

1) I would have put the Maid costume here as well, since usually they’re listed as “French Maid”, but they didn’t do so on here. You get a pass this time, Yandy.
2) Naughty Vodka Geisha Girl? Are you kidding me? SAKE, for crying out loud. If you’re going to do it, at least stick with the same country, assholes.

Religion also get touched on frequently, but I was surprised that Yandy didn’t have any sexy nuns. I was not surprised, but still disappointed, that they didn’t have any sexy Rabbis. However, I do feel the need to point out one particular “sexy religion” costume:

Yes, the witch is a religious figure. I know, I’m a Christian, and therefore I’m supposed to find anything not Christian as Devil Worship. Well, let me break another stereotype for you… I don’t. In fact, some of my best friends are Wiccan. It’s a lovely set of beliefs, many of which (not witch) revolve around nature. In fact, their calendar is based off of the sun, moon, stars.. and their positions in the sky.

Samhain, on October 31st, is the Gaelic Pagan festival celebrating the summer’s end. Halloween, or All Hallow’s Eve, is commonly thought to have its roots in Samhain. Thus why the sexy witch is such a common Halloween costume. But let me dis-spell this stereotype right now: some witches are sexy. And some witches are not.

But mostly, they’re sexy. I mean, look at them:

God DAMN! Look at those witches! They be smokin’!

Gotta get me some candy. Witches love candy!

Move Over, Todd Akin! There’s Somehow an Even Crazier Republican Running for Office!

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His name is Charlie Fuqua and he’s running for the Arkansas House of Representatives!



Even though he’s running for a state level position, his campaign has received national attention because he literally wants to kick all the Muslims out of the country and give parents the power to kill their children if they act up.


Seriously. He actually believes those things. He even wrote a book called “God’s Law”. You can buy it on Amazon. In the book he talks about how ‘Merikuh’s goin’ ta hell and biblical principals are the only thing to get us back on the right track. “The founding fathers of the United States were immersed in biblical teachings and principles, and they employed them in the construction of our governmental and economic systems” said the book about a bunch of Deists so against Theocracy they wrote an amendment in the constitution preventing religion and government intermingling too much.



A flag and a cross together? If Chuck Norris saw this he’d shit an entire Bald Eagle.





He even says that parents should be able to kill their kids if they’re rebellious. “The guidelines for administering the death penalty to rebellious children are given in Deut 21:18-21:
This passage does not give parents blanket authority to kill their children. They must follow the proper procedure in order to have the death penalty executed against their children.”



He also says we should kick all the Muslims out but that’s pretty par for the course for these assholes so I’m not going to waste any time harping on that.



Okay. I know there’s some righties that read this. Please explain this guy. He’s running on the Republican ticket. He got the rubber stamp from the state party. How the fuck did this one happen? I mean, I get Bachmann and Akin. I don’t like either of them but I understand why some people would vote for them. This Fuqua fuquer, on the other hand, just seems like a gross caricature of the worst aspects of Republican ideology and he still got the nomination. If the left equivalent of this guy came out with a book that recommended mandatory abortions and bans on same race marriage they’d never get the Democrat stamp of approval. Not even in California.



…okay maybe in California but probably not.

Seriously Though What Does the Vice President do?

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Vice President Joe Biden and Congressman Paul Ryan are preparing to face off Thursday in the only Vice Presidential debate of the campaign. Finally, we’ll get to hear what the Vice President and his opponent think. Their policies, their plans, their…



Man, I’m honestly having a hard time getting into this. I didn’t even give a shit about the presidential debates. Why would I care about the VP debates? I don’t even know what the VP does, anyway.



That’s not (completely) true. I have the average American’s knowledge of the Vice President’s duties. I know he’s the next in line for presidency if something happens to the president and I think he also presides over the Senate or something.



Okay, just checked wikipedia. He’s totally the president of the senate. Presides over it and casts tiebreaking votes. That seems like it’s important, right? I’m going to read up on this some more and find out if there’s any other duties.



Hold up. Turns out all that Senate stuff is actually usually handled by the President Pro Tempore. The VP doesn’t even do most of the President of the Senate shit. So what, does he just sit in an office all day waiting for the president to die? Is that a job?



“Hey, Barry. How’s it going? Everything all right? No heart problems? Alright, then. Guess I’ll head back to my office.”





Okay, after more reading it turns out the VP has a bunch of informal duties. Aside from being a presidential advisor, the VP is also the president’s total bitch. Really. From the wikipedia article – “Under the American system the President is both head of state and head of government, and the ceremonial duties of the former position are often delegated to the Vice President. The Vice President may meet with other heads of state or attend state funerals in other countries, at times when the administration wishes to demonstrate concern or support but cannot send the President himself.”



So that’s what the VP does. All the bullshit busywork that the president doesn’t want to do. Okay.



Well now I want to watch the debate Thursday even less. Who wants to watch a couple of errand boys go at it? Granted, if Romney wins, Paul Ryan will totally be running things. Remember this –
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5CSVSwSaypg&w=560&h=315]


Happy Birthday, Wife!

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Hey, y’all! It’s Jena’s birthday today! She’s… 25 years old today.



Yeah… 25. Let’s go with that.



So since it’s her birthday, rather than spend the morning scanning the news for ways to make fun of republicans I’ve spent my morning reading her blog posts again! You can do it, too! Here’s some of my favorites. Just click on the blue text to be transported to a magical world of Jena Young humorous bloggings!



Dolls That Offend Sensitivities. It’s true that she is actually scared of Care Bears. Seriously. I really have to hammer in the fact that this is an actual fear because it sounds like a joke when she describes it but one time I pulled a Care Bear out of a kid’s toy box at a friend’s house and she froze like a bee landed on her nose.



Girls Love Shopping! It’s true that there’s a brand of toilet paper I don’t allow in the house. It’s Angel Soft and not just because the baby on the package is creepy looking –

the tiny picture doesn’t really convey the look of insatiable undead hunger in his face.

Angel Soft is owned by Koch industries and the Koch brothers pretty much invented the Tea Party, bankrolled Walker etc. etc. Also, guess which brand of TP I came home to?



Internet Love. If the internet was a person Jena would leave me in a heartbeat for him/her/whatever. I’m just glad Steve Jobs died before he could invent the iMan.



Monkey Pants Pick up Lines. Not sure which I like more, the pictures of surprised monkeys or the puns.



Road Head. Heh. “Soft touch” car wash.



Happy birthday, love!


Last Night’s Presidential Debate as Told by Facebook.

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I didn’t get a chance to watch the presidential debate last night but I really didn’t need to. My decision is already made. It’s not like Romney’s going to say anything to win my vote so why watch the debates? They’re not for me.



Besides, if I want to find out how the debate turned out I can just check my facebook newsfeed and let all the partisan hysterics and hastily created memes inform me! Let’s see what facebook had to say about last night’s debate, broken down by political view.


CONSERVATIVE: “Romney won by a million points.”

To hear my republican friends on facebook tell the tale, Obama got his ass handed to him. Romney brought the pain last night as President Obama stood there shaking like the scared little secret muslim socialist he is, unable to defend the last four years or lay out a good plan for the future. The best comment I saw on a right wing circle jerk thread from last night – “You can’t spin this. The mainstream media will attempt to ‘fact check’ Romney tomorrow to mitigate Obama’s lackluster showing, but the verdict is in. To say otherwise is either incompetence or denial.” I love how “fact check” is in quotes, like fact checking is some junk science that has no room in politics.

Whatever. Enjoy your victory, assholes.



LIBERTARIAN: “YOU SHEEP CAN WATCH THESE PUPPETS DEBATE ALL YOU WANT BUT THEY’RE THE SAME PERSON BLAH BLAH TWO PARTY SYSTEM BLAH BLAH RON PAUL.”

Gotham City’s newest villian was once two presidential candidates until a debate went horribly awry…

I’m pretty sure most libertarians and independents are just in it for the smug sense of superiority they feel over democrats and republicans. They’re like the political version of people who say atheists are as annoying as fundamentalist christians. Don’t ask them how we’d actually change such a large, broken system otherwise they’ll just scream “Ron Paul!” and run away.



LIBERAL: OMG ROMNEY SAID HE’S GOING TO KILL SESAME STREET NOOOOOOO!

So less than an hour after the debate these images started filling up my newsfeed –

I don’t even get the reference on this one, honestly.




Apparently last night in the debates Mitt Romney said something about cutting PBS funding and now the democrats are jumping all over it. Now, I’ll admit cutting gov’t funding to PBS to lower the deficit is stupid and inefficient but to have the left jump all over that one thing he said just shows me how much better he did than Obama last night.

Also, when the fuck did all these people suddenly care about PBS? If half the people on facebook jumping to the defense of PBS actually fucking donated to PBS then it wouldn’t need to get part of it’s funding from the government anyway. Republicans would have to find another red herring to blame the debt on and the channel which you probably only use as a babysitter and maybe watch one cool documentary a year on would be safe.



EVERYBODY: “Jim Lehrer is a shitty moderator.”



To hear about it afterwards, Jim Lehrer stammered his way through the entire thing, couldn’t get the candidates to stick to their time or topic, peed himself, cried and hid under the table rocking back and forth in the fetal position for the last 20 minutes.




Man, I can’t wait to see what my facebook friends have to tell me about the next two debates!

Make Up and Other Breakfast Foods

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I apologise for the slight tardiness of this blog. But really, I can’t stop staring at these eyes.

This is not a new Final Fantasy game….

This is Anastasiya Shpagina, a 19-year-old who loves to play dress up… as anime. She loves to walk around with a friend of hers that does her make up as Barbie, and they walk around together as real life characters. She even does a tutorial on the YouTubes where she shows you how to do the eyes.

[youtube=http://youtu.be/0mrJRa1QUUQ]

I’m actually super impressed. I thought that maybe she had done some weird surgery or something to get GIANT ANIME EYES. (note: I am not Chris Kluwe, that is not a replacement for swearing). But it’s all make up. That right there takes true artistry. She uses and blends makeup in a way that gives here the appearance of an altered body. Not my thing, but I can appreciate it.

As opposed to these crazy Japanese people who are getting saline injections to make it look like they have bagels stuck in their foreheads.

I tried to be fair… this was the prettiest bagel-head I could find.

I don’t get it. I mean, I might not be the most punk person out there. I have no tattoos, and the only things pierced on my body are my ears. But I can understand wanting a belly ring. And some tattoos are absolute works of art that you get to carry with you all the time. I can appreciate that.

But I have never turned to someone and said “baby, you know what would make you look prettier? Breakfast food embedded in your forehead.”

I want to know what’s next? Cereal elbows? Pancake breasts (also my nickname in high school)? Bacon Belly?

Well, okay. I can see how someone would be attracted to bacon belly. Mmmmmmm……….. bacon.