Monthly Archives: April 2012

While the Cat’s Away…

Posted on by
3

For those of you who haven’t been paying attention, I took the week off of work to play home-maker and facilitate my child’s education while my husband drinks coronas and tequila with a bunch of 12 year olds posing as comedians in a heated pool on the rooftop of their Mexican villa, all under the guise of doing a “comedy festival.”

 

 

 

 

Jealous? Why would I be jealous? It’s not like I spend the rest of my time working my ass off to support my family so that Bill can go chasing his dream job of stand-up comedian while staying home with my son so he can do online schooling, thus fulfilling *his* dream of spending as many hours on a computer as humanly possible.

Oh wait. It is exactly like that.

But I get to spend more time with my son, who is my world. I mean, unfortunately, he has state testing and school keeping him busy most of the week. And he’s just shy of 12, so every time I go to hug him, he backs away with a horrified look on his face, and I run after him with my arms out-stretched, shouting “don’t look at me like I’m frickin frankenstien. Give your mother a hug!”

 

 

 

 

Well, at least Bill promised to bring me back something. It’ll probably be something kitschy, like a bobble-headed donkey, or an anatomically correct grass doll, or maybe something made out of coconut.

I’m allergic to coconut. Sigh.

 

 

Whatever. I’ve decided to make the most of my time off. My plans for this afternoon include cleaning out and re-arranging the bedroom, going through old papers in the desk, and organizing the bathroom closet.

… the sad part is, I’m kinda looking forward to it.

A Story About the Inconvenience of Flying Because I’m an Unoriginal, Cliched Turd.

Posted on by
1

Bill Young here blogging to you live from Akumal, Mexico! The sun is shining, the ocean is humid and filled with the sounds of animals that I’ve never seen and I’m in the bedroom of my villa with the lights off and the A/C on typing away on my laptop.



Right outside my window. Is that a coconut? Can I eat that? I'm gonna try to eat that later.





I hate what I’m about to do. The moment we got in we were greeted with a free meal and told all the comics were getting gift baskets full of goodies and coupons to local businesses. The villa was stocked with booze which we drank last night in a pool on the roof of the villa. The outside of the villa was crawling with these little gecko like lizards (adorably infested!). My only job here is to film a couple of sketches and perform in three shows. I really hate that I’m about to do this because I have no reason to complain but I’m going to bitch about the flight in.



Jena dropped me off at the MSP airport at 5:30 AM. I was set to fly out at 7:05 with 10 other people in the festival on a group flight rate. We were flying from Minneapolis Cancun with a stop in Dallas. Now, I’m a little scared of flying (part of my general fear of heights) but I’ve been on a plane about a half dozen times in my life and I’ve never really had a huge problem with it. The descent to landing is always a little nerve wracking but I’m usually fine the rest of the flight. We took off and the captain said over the intercom that there were some storms in Texas that we were going to fly around that may delay the flight a bit. I ate an airplane breakfast sandwich (which was delicious. Take that, ’80s stand up comics!), put my headphones on and dozed off listening to my ipod.



I woke up a couple of hours later and chatted with the other comics and listened to music as we approached Dallas. The captain came on the intercom again and told us there was lightning over Dallas right now and it was not safe to land. We were going to circle over Dallas for a while in a “holding pattern” to see if the storm clears up and if it didn’t, we’d land at the Wichita Falls regional airport to wait it out. It should take less than an hour but “we’re lucky we have enough fuel to circle over Dallas for a couple of hours”.



An hour passed and we were still circling around. The captain came on the intercom again and said that the conditions were still stormy so we were going to keep in the holding pattern. 45 minutes of more holding pattern and the captain told us that the Wichita Falls airport was so overrun with planes that were headed to Dallas that they were running out of fuel at that airport so we were going to keep circling and if it didn’t clear up we would go to Oklahoma Fucking City (he didn’t say “Fucking”) to refuel. We kept circling and I started trying to cope with the fact that this is where I live now. Time to start a new life in an airplane circling above Dallas and eating three dollar mini tins of Pringles (seriously they’re 75 cents at the gas station).



I started making a mental list of all the horrible things that could happen in a plane running out of fuel circling far far above Texas. We could just run out of fuel because of the captain’s foolish hope that Dallas would let us land. Just fall out of the sky into a high school football field (high school football fields make up about %60 of Texas’ geography). At least I’d finally get to see those oxygen masks pop out from the overhead compartment. I’ve only ever seen them in movies and always wondered if they even existed. Not many people survive plane crashes so you wonder if those masks even pop out when shit hits the fan. What if we hit another plane? We couldn’t be the only people waiting for Dallas to let us in. The Dallas sky was probably littered with circling planes and we were bound to crash sooner or later. Oh God there’s going to be a five plane pile up because of a storm WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST LAND IN WICHITA FALLS WHEN WE HAD THE CHANCE, CAPTAIN? YOUR FOOLISH HOPE IN DALLAS LETTING US IN HAS DOOMED US ALL!



We landed in Dallas fifteen minutes later. For those of you keeping score that was two hours of flying in circles. We spent another hour in the runway because there were so many planes trying to get in all at once. Everybody on the plane bitched about it but I was just glad to be on the ground. I would’ve kissed the ground when we got off the plane but eww, Texas.


Trip Planning.

Posted on by
2

Many of you regular reader know that I’ll be heading out to Mexico on Sunday for the Akumal Comedy Festival because I refuse to shut up about it and it’s true! I’m going to Mexico on Sunday!


I have to do a lot of preparation for this trip. As a part time road comic, I’m pretty used to throwing some underwear and a toothbrush (the only two things I ever bring when I travel) into a duffel bag and heading out to some small midwestern town for 1 to 4 nights but this trip is different. I’ll be gone for 8 days. This will be the longest I’ve ever been apart from Jena since we first started dating. This will also be my first time in a foreign country (except Canada but I really don’t think that counts. As a Minnesotan I’m pretty much Canadian anyway) and the furthest I’ve ever traveled. Here’s just a few of the steps I’ve taken to prepare for my journey.


* Watch ¡Three Amigos! for fashion tips.

I'm sure you can find that outfit at Target.




* Google a list of recommended vaccinations for travelling to mexico so I know what to tell the doctor I have when I get back. I’m pretty sure I’m up to date on most of those. I think. Oh well, Typhoid’s probably not nearly as bad as it sounds.



* Check the weather.

Oh, that's nice.



*Feel guilty that Jena’s not coming along. Make a mental note to take pictures of myself with a sad face exploring Mayan ruins, sad face sitting in the infinity pool, sad face drinking on the beach etc.



* Remember that airplanes have that stupid liquid rule. Does that mean I can’t bring my deodorant? It’s the gel kind. Does that count as liquid? I don’t want to have to buy a whole new bottle while I’m down there so I’ll just put on 8 days worth of deodorant right before I leave. I should be fine.


Pretty sure that about covers it. I’m told there’s free wireless there so I’ll should be able to put up a couple of blogs next week and still harass my facebook friends into coming to my comedy shows (New hope Cinema Grill April 27th and 28th!) if I can figure out how to use Mexican internet without getting “Montezuma’s Revenge”. The majority of the blogs next week will be done by Jena, who has the week off from work and gets to experience my life as a homemaker/bullshit comedy writer. Hopefully after walking a mile in my robe and slippers she’ll gain some perspective and realize the plight of the stay at home mom (it’s so easy).

J.K. Rowling to Release Novel for People Who Like Boring Things

Posted on by
2

Publisher Little, Brown revealed that J.K. Rowling will be releasing a new novel this fall entitled “Casual Vacancy”. The novel, set in a non magical English town, will be released in who gives a shit it’s not Harry Potter.



Rowling, who became an international sensation with her series of Harry Potter novels said that this will be her first novel for adults as it lacks any of the aspects of her Harry Potter series that was interesting or fun.



Here’s the publisher’s synopsis of the plot:
The Casual Vacancy


When Barry Fairweather dies unexpectedly in his early forties but not by dementors or Voldemort or anything like that, the little town of Pagford is left in shock.

Pagford is, seemingly, an English idyll, with a cobbled market square and an ancient abbey where the mail is delivered by stupid postmen instead of awesome owls and brooms are only used for sweeping. What lies behind the pretty, non magical façade is a town at war but not the kind were people shoot lightning bolts out of wands at each other.

Rich at war with poor, teenagers at war with their parents, wives at war with their husbands, teachers at war with their pupils…Pagford is not what it first seems. Not in the way where that train station in The Sorcerer’s Stone was not what it seemed with the wall that was actually a doorway. This is more of a metaphoric “not what it seems”.

And the empty seat left by Barry on the parish council soon becomes the catalyst for the biggest war the town has yet seen. Again, the term “war” is used solely as a metaphor here. Not like the actual war between the Order of the Phoenix and the Death Eaters. This is really just people yelling at each other and lying about thing. Who will triumph in an election fraught with passion, duplicity and unexpected revelations (none of which are magical)?



The book will be available in September and will be simultaneously released as a hardback, an e-book, an audio download, a book on CD, and as a giant suppository.



Photo of Michael Jordan wearing a Washington Wizards jersey.

Interview: Craigslist Rants and Raves.

Posted on by
2

After yesterday’s interview with Matt Olson I realized a few things.



1: I think I can say, without ego, that I’m really awesome at interviewing people.

2: Interviews are super easy to write. You only have to write half an article. That’s probably why magazines had so many interviews back when they were a thing that existed.

3: We were almost out of almond milk. I was able to fix this by going to the store and buying more almond milk.


Now this won’t be all interviews, all the time but it’s nice to know if I’m running out of ideas I can always interview my 11 year old stepson or my neighbor that looks like a homeless Marc Maron. Today I’ll be interviewing the the Rants and Raves section of Craigslist.


For years, the Rants and Raves section of craigslist has been home to opinions too inflammatory to be shared on sites like facebook or twitter (due to lack of anonymity) but too stupid to be shared on sites like 4chan or reddit (even those people have standards). I sat down with Rants and Raves to talk about their life, their loves and their opinions of black people.


Bill: Thanks for taking a few minutes to talk to me. I know you must be really busy.



CLR&R: BIGGEST WASTE OF MONEY EVER, NASA SPACE PROGRAM TRILLIONS LOST ON THAT (BRIGHT PEOPLE THERE), SPEND $ TRILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO DUMP 100S OF TONS OF GARBAGE IN OUTER SPACE WHILE ACCOMPLISHING NOTHING,WHOS THE IDIOT THAT THOUGHT OF THAT? WONDER HOW MUCH CORRUPTION WAS INVOLVED, CANT SMOKE A CIG ANYWHERE BY LAW BUT EVERY LAUNCH CREATED ENOUGH SECOND HAND SMOKE EQUAL TO 500 QUAD TRILLION CIGARETTES,NO WONDER YOU CAN’T SEE STARS ANYMORE THE GOV CHOKED OFF THE SKIES SO BAD YOU CAN’T SEE EM,



Bill: You do have a point. We should be able to smoke anywhere because of spaceships. You’ve been pretty active, politically. Do you support any particular party or candidate?



CLR&R: facts. not all independent people are rich but all rich people are independent but all independent people are free , no dependent person is rich or free .

doesnt get much more self explanatory than that . i might not be rich but damned if im giving up my freedom .

...wha?





Bill: So… are you saying Kerry’s like… Dukakis? But neither of them are running this… whatever. Let’s talk about the current administration. You’ve said some pretty critical things about the president in the past.



CLR&R: The only truth (USA). The pictures tell it all.

but Hitler and Stalin were enemies in... nevermind.

wait. are you trying to say... I'm having a hard time seeing this as not racist.





Bill: Okay. It seems like part of your problem with the President is his race. Care to comment on that?



CLR&R: Tupac. Tupac Shakur ,from my understanding was just another Richie Rich spoiled litte boy whose thing was “He liked to spit on other people”. My what a great role model. No wonder somebody shot the P.O.S. And no wonder, that these other P.O.S. are getting shot on a regular basis. If it has always been like this I can see why they had lynchings . No offense meant but if thats how they act murdering assaulting robbing raping etc string them up. Thats what they did with white murdering assaultive rapists assholes who try to spit on other people.

Hey Tupac how did that spitting on people work out for ya?



Bill: Huh. Listen, we’re running out of time here so could you just kind of wrap it up with something racist, conservative, local and confusing all mashed up together?



CLR&R: Minnesota Killing Down 99% (Hooded Rat’s Welfare). lease say no to more cop’s & yes to Ziggys new playground for his overpayed and underplayed playmates. The hooded rat’s have killed 4 in two days in the twincitys. Hoodrats with asses hanging out, make we the people the asses.. Voters I.D. Gay-Rights should take the weak minded away from the real problems of the State.



Bill: Thanks. This was really fun.



CLR&R: WTF IS FACEBOOK FOR? SNOOPY PEOPLE? (I WOULDN’T GIVE EM $5 DOLLARS FOR CO). FACEBOOK ONLY FOLLOWS PEOPLE AROUND LIKE A STALKER, WHAT IS FACE BOOK FOR ANYWAY? SOCIALIZE? EVER HEAR OF A PHONE? IT’S THAT THING YOU DIAL, I SIGNED UP ONLY TO DISCOVER U CAN’T DELETE YOUR ACCOUNT SO THEY CAN FOLLOW A PERSONS PERSONAL LIFE FOREVER, I THINK IT IS JUST AN ADVERTISING ENGINE.



Bill: I’m… just going to go now.


For more information on craigslist rants and raves, ask a crazy racist.

Akumal Comedy Festival Interview: Portrait of An Artist: The People of The Akumal Comedy Festival: Profile Interview: Director Matt Olson

Posted on by
1

As some of you may know I’ll be in Akumal, Mexico all next week for the First Annual Akumal Comedy Festival and youngnotions.com will be the official blog of the festival because nobody else has staked that claim yet! Do you need approval of the festival to be the official blog? Whatever.


As the so far undisputed official blog of the Akumal Comedy Festival, we’ll be interviewing some of the performers and producers that are making this happen and are responding to my emails asking for the interview. I’m excited that our first artist interview will be with director Matt Olson!



Director Matt Olson near a camera either about to direct something or just finished directing something.




Matt Olson cut his teeth in the Minneapolis comedy scene directing for sketch comedy groups The Label and The Other Side Project. After winning the 2008 and 2009 Minneapolis 48 Hour Film Festivals with his shorts “Birthmarked For Death” and “The Grave Review”, Matt moved to Los Angeles. Since then, he’s written and directed an Emmy and Telly award winnning PSA, written a half hour comedy show for FX and is currently developing a web series for MTV. With the experience of directing over 100 live multimedia shows over the years, Matt is coming down to Akumal to not only film the festival but direct several original comedy sketches. The sketches, written and performed by the comedians of the festival, will all be shot in the the few days leading up to the fest. Youngnotions.com sits down with Matt to discuss the unique challenge of producing comedy under tight deadlines.


Bill: Given your experience with the 48 Hour Film Challenge, you’re no stranger to filming sketch comedy under tight time restrictions. For the Akumal Fest you’re going to shoot and edit several short sketches in the matter of a few days. How would you say working under such pressure changes the process? Does it help?

Matt: I think that working under tight time constraints can yield really good stuff. It pushes you to work at the top of your abilities and makes it nearly impossible to second guess your ideas. This helps make the work more honest and instinctual. Of course the good ideas couldn’t come to life or be done justice without a really solid crew. We had around 25 folks working on our first 48 hour and over 40 on the Grave Review. We have a great bunch working the Akumal shoot. Really an accomplished set of filmmakers. One of the added challenges is that there’s only four of us, so pushing that boulder’s going to take a lot effort.

Bill: You’ve only got a few people working with you on the production end this time around while you have over a dozen comedians writing for you. It’s almost a reverse of your 48 experiences with just a few writers and a large production crew. Is that going to change your process much?

Matt: Yes, I think the large amount of talent ensures I’ll be working even harder on the writing/directing side of things.
We want to include everyone who’s into this but because of our limitations it’s going to be hard to feature everyone equally.
We also don’t want to do something that’s just an extended role call. No final episode of Seinfeld for me please.
We’re still going to be pushing to make work that at actually features some character development and has a cinematic look and feel to it.
I think the key to this lies in finding thematic, comedic and ironic connections between a bunch of diverse folks playing heightened versions of themselves.

Ok maybe diverse isn’t the right word. They’re mostly a bunch of white male comedians. With this crew I guess you could find diversity in “beard/no beard” or wimpy and skinny vs. fat hairy.

Bill:Hey, way off topic but do you remember the time we were at the Nomad with Denson and you totally nerded out on that hot waitress?

Matt: Remind me.

Bill: Okay. We were all on the patio and ordered from this waitress. She came back with our drinks really fast, like a minute later. I said “Wow, that was super fast” and she said “I know, I’m just like Flash Gordon!”

Matt: Doesn’t ring a bell.

Bill: So she says “Just like Flash Gordon” and then you respond by saying “Uhhh, I think you mean ‘The Flash'”. You might have said “Uhh, I think you mean DC Comics’ ‘The Flash'” but I can’t remember.

Either way, the waitress scrunched up her face and said something to the effect of “Whatever” and left. Did you get her number after that? I can’t remember. She really seemed into being corrected on comic book trivia. Girls like that stuff.

Matt: She was obviously not my type.

Bill: Maybe you just weren’t specific enough. She probably would’ve hopped on your jock right then and there if you were just more pedantic about it. Follow it up with something like “And even then there aren’t any female Flashes so call yourself ‘Jessie Quick’ next time”.

Matt:Go fuck yourself, Bill.

Bill: Good interview.


If you’d like to see more of Matt Olson, you can find him at a comic book shop on Wednesday (that’s when the new releases come out).

They’re Actually Turning a Nazi POW Camp Into a Theme Hotel.

Posted on by
Reply

Seriously. For $32 you can spend a night at Coldtz Castle, famous for holding Allied soldiers who frequently tried to escape other POW camps in WWII.

AP photo



Also, the story was on foxnews.com. I played the foxnews.com game briefly and while I couldn’t find any comments specifically bashing Obama, there were plenty of comments along the lines of “Hey, liberturds! Nazi was short for Natonal SOCIALISM”.


Now it’s pretty obvious that this story is a perfect fit for a lot of jokes but I think something should be made very clear. This was a POW camp, not a concentration or extermination camp. While it would be easy to make holocaust jokes like –



* not wanting to step in the shower
* asking what the soap’s made out of
* calling the concierge “Himmler”



It would be historically inaccurate. While they do have less shock value, you can make WWII POW jokes while staying at the hotel like –



* Making up Geneva convention articles “According to article 33 of the Geneva convention, all guests are to receive free peanuts from the minibar!”
* Trying to escape through the series of tunnels under the castle to avoid paying the bill
* Calling the concierge “Col. Klink”

Fun fact: German born Werner Klemperer actually fought in WWII for the US Army. The guy who played Shultz was an Austrian Jew fortunate enough to be out of the country on an acting gig when Hitler annexed Austria.




If you’re going to be culturally insensitive, you might as well get your facts straight.

Easter Around the World!

Posted on by
2

Easter is coming and this Sunday kids all over America will look around their houses for baskets filled with chocolate and brightly colored eggs and pet baby chickens that will be abandoned in less than a month.


While we all know about American Easter traditions like the bunny and Easter Basket and Egg Hunt, different cultures celebrate Easter in different ways all around the world. Here’s just a sampling of how Easter is celebrated in different parts of the globe.


Easter Bilby (Australia)

The Easter Bilby is pretty much just the Australian version of the Easter Bunny. The bilby is actually endangered due to feral rabbits (which I guess are actually a pretty big problem in Australia?) and the whole concept of the Easter Bilby is used to bring awareness to this tiny holocaust led by rabbit nazis (and sell some chocolate while they’re at it).


The Dingus (central Europe)
I really can’t find a funnier way to describe this than the wikipedia article does so I’m just going to copy/past the description. “In Poland, Hungary, Slovakia, and the Czech Republic[5] traditionally, early in the morning boys awake girls by pouring a bucket of water on their head and striking them about the legs with long thin twigs or switches made from willow, birch or decorated tree branches”.



Happy Easter, bitch! Hope you like leg welts!





Easter Monday is basically pledge week at the Alpha Beta Czech house.



You can check the article for a full, lengthy and boring explanation on why that’s done but I can sum it up for you. Some weird Pagan rituals got mixed up with some weird Christian rituals and this is what happened. Speaking of weird Christian rituals –



The Resurrection of Jesus Christ (Rome)
In Vatican City, people go to church every Easter Sunday to celebrate the resurrection of the Son of God

also everybody wears bright round yellow hats.


They pay tribute and relive his suffering at the cross by sitting through an hour and a half Catholic mass. They then celebrate the joy of his resurrection by going to a fancy brunch.


There’s so many ways different cultures celebrate the holiday. One of my favorites is the tradition of the re-enactment of Wayne Gretky’s battle with the Wendigo but I’ll save that story for Canadian Easter in August. Happy Easter, everybody!

How to Have a Drunken Facebook Political Agrument.

Posted on by
5

Step 1: See something you disagree with –

Oh I do not agree with that!




Step 2: Make it known that you disagree with the thing. Be sure to throw some profanity in there. Let’s them know you’re up for a fight –




Step 3: Get a response and attack back with numbers and links!

Fun fact: If you're chatting online with me you can tell how drunk I am by how smart I'm trying to sound. The drunker I am, the smarter I try to sound.




Step 4: That last step seemed a little impersonal? Throw in a couple more comments as a “fuck you”. Doesn’t matter if they haven’t commented back yet. In fact, commenting multiple times in a row uninterrupted scores you extra points.

getting druuuunnnk noooooowwww!




Step 5: Drum up some support from your like minded friends on your own wall.

Drinking, facebook drama and a mention of Dr. Who? Now I've got my friends listening.




Step 6: Inadvertently piss off the wife.

No I didn't... but I... what I mean is...




Step 7: A new contender! So many words! Fight back, damnit!

so damn druuuunnnnk noooooowwwww




Step 8: More words!

My last comment got cut off by the screen cap but does it really matter? Do you really need to see what I said?




Step 9: Realize What you’re doing.

SOMEBODY HELP ME.




Step 10: Pass out. Wake up the next morning. Realize the other guy posted two huge comments in response to your last thing. Ignore it.


It’s that simple!

Craigslist Job Posting: Familiar With Scientology Church?

Posted on by
4

I was on craigslist this morning looking for ads in the talent section that didn’t involve women being filmed kicking dudes in the balls when I saw this ad in the writing section.



Familiar with Scientology Church? (Minneapolis)

I’m in need of a short paper, about 1 page long describing a Scientology church. My assignment called for me to visit a Scientology church, but I have not had the chance. I was specifically going to visit the one in st. Paul, but if you can write a short description about any Scientology church that would be fine. I was thinking of paying 30$?…willing to negotiate though…hope you can help!:)


Okay, let’s just push past the hilarious fact that this kid put out a craigslist ad for somebody to do his homework for 30 bucks because I could seriously use 30 bucks right now. While I’ve never been to the Church of Scientology in St. Paul, I’ve read some pretty disturbing shit about it on wikipedia and I saw that one episode of South Park.

Xenu!

I also tried reading Dianetics once after picking it up at a garage sale for $0.50 but gave up after 20 pages because it was a seriously boring and complicated read.


Given my extensive knowledge and exhaustive research (20 minutes of googling), I think I’m up to the task of writing what it’s like visiting the Church.


I had originally planned on visiting the Church of Scientology with the intention of taking a free tour and, if I had time, one of their “personality tests”. Upon entering the massive, ornate facility that once was home to the Science Museum of Minnesota, I strolled around the cafe and found myself in the reading room surrounded by copies of Dianetics and other works by L.Ron Hubbard, Scientology’s founder. I picked up a copy of “The Indegestible Triton” and lazily thumbed through it, chuckling a bit to myself at the campy fantasy tale.

A well groomed and cheery man approached me and said “isn’t he a great writer? You could spend hours in this reading room. I have.” He extended his hand and told me his name was Kevin. I told him I was just browsing and put the book back, commenting that this was one of the biggest “churches” I’ve ever seen. Kevin laughed and said that it wasn’t really a church but the list of people who benefited from Scientology was growing every day. He asked if I wanted to take a free personality test and I politely declined, stating that I was only here researching a school paper on Scientology.

Kevin’s eyebrows raised. “Oh? I hope you aren’t too harsh on us!” He laughed for a bit and then fell silent, staring right into my eyes. I told him that I had done some research on the religion and just wanted to see what it was like first hand. He put his hand on my shoulder and said “Well let me give you a personal tour, then.” He walked me down a hallway and pointed out a couple of large meeting rooms and a group of smaller meeting rooms that were for “auditing”. A process that he assured me that I’d find out about soon enough. He then brought me to a large, empty office. The office, he said, belonged to L. Ron Hubbard. He told me that it was there as a monument, a tribute to their late founder. Writer of all those books in the reading room just like the one I was holding earlier. “Were you enjoying ‘The Indigestible Triton?'” he asked. I shrugged and said that it was “a bit hokey” and he immediately snapped back “The Indigestible Triton is my favorite book. Let’s keep walking, shall we?”

We went upstairs and he brought me into a large, 300 seat IMAX theater. The lights were dim and it was completely empty, save us. Kevin asked me to wait for the theater for a moment because there was something he wanted to show me. He walked out and the doors to the theater slammed shut. The lights dimmed even more and the projector turned on. I called out for Kevin and his voice boomed from the projection booth “the doors are locked but don’t worry. I think you’ll find that you’ll be on the edge of your seat the whole movie!”

My eyes grew wide in horror as I realized what was about to be played. “You can’t do this! This is inhumane!”

Kevin laughed maniacally. “According to the ‘Fair Game’ policy I can use whatever tactics needed to silence the critics of Scientology! Enjoy your screening of ‘Battlefield Earth’, man-animal!”

I’m writing this down as fast as I can in hopes that I get it all before I inevitibly go insane. Those kids in the Guy Fawkes masks were right. God help me.


Now that’s an assignment worth $30!