Monthly Archives: December 2011

Let’s Watch Some Shitty ’90s Music Videos!

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If you’re anything like me you’re probably tired as shit right now because you drove your sister to the airport at 4-in-the-fucking-A-M and you don’t want to write a blog. You don’t want to do anything but watch some awful music videos that were somehow popular 11-15 years ago. Let’s do that together.


[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3mbBbFH9fAg?rel=0&w=420&h=315]

This whole obsession with awful music videos started with Brody showing me this one. This video is like a five minute argument against everything “Gen-X”. The band rolling their eyes through the performance like they’d rather be somewhere else. The stupid imagery of how suburban life is all fake and hollow. There’s seriously a Barbie burning on a grill. The awful stretchy-face computer graphics. Speaking of awful computer graphics-



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YSCfIVa9Shs?rel=0&w=420&h=315]

This is just lazy writing and directing. If the director had listened to the entire song and wanted to do a faithful adaptation, the video would have been about the singer of Del Amitri spending all night trying to convince some girl to cheat on her boyfriend. Instead, the director heard the first line of the song and noted that it contained the words “pretty” and “baby”. This visionary director then decided the video should be pretty women pushing around the band as babies around in strollers. I had to learn this song for a monthly comedy show I did for a few years ago and watched the video multiple times to memorize the song. Too many times. I still have the occasional nightmare of a Del Amitri headed baby trying to seduce me.



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hG9C0VwruXE?rel=0&w=420&h=315]

The video for this isn’t particularly awful, it’s just the douchiest fucking song on the planet. The way Shawn Mullins breathes the verses into the mic you can almost feel him uncomfortably close behind you, whispering into your ear as hot gin vapors hit the back of your neck. He grabs your shoulders tight as he grunts out shit that must sound so poetic in his mind like “She’s seen her share of devils in this… ANGEL town” and “Everybody’s got a plan. It’s kind of like Nashville… with a tan.” As a joke I spent a week answering the phone by singing the chorous of this song. That was two years ago and nobody has called me since.


What’s your (least)favorite shitty ’90s music video? Leave a comment and let’s all share the shame that was Alternative music a decade ago!

Republican Presidential Debate Roundup!

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Well tonight Fox News will air the last debate before primary season and I really could not care less. Seriously. Newt Fucking Gingrich is the front runner right now? I almost feel sorry for conservatives. They have a seething hatred for the man in office right now but just can’t seem to come up with anybody good enough to beat him. It’s like the 2004 election in reverse.


Even though the Fox News article all but said that Gingrich and Romney are the only two who should even bother showing up to the debate, the whole rat pack is showing up. I’ve already taken my shots at Bachmann and Perry so let’s see what the other candidates have to offer.


Jon Huntsman
He was Obama’s ambassador to China, believes in evolution and global warming, kind of likes the gays (supports civil unions but not same sex marriage), treats immigrants like human beings and left office as Governor of Utah with an 80% approval rating. He’s Mormon but said in an interview with Newsweek that the LDS chruch does not have a monopoly on his spiritual life and that he and his wife draw from an array of sources for inspiration. Pretty open minded. All in all, a horrible Republican by today’s standards. He’ll be lucky to get more than three votes.


Rick Santorum
Santorum is defined as “The frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex” and that’s all it will ever mean.


Ron Paul
Ron Paul is the physical embodiment of libertarianism. One time he showed up to work naked because he trusted the free market to dress him. He’s so libertarian he actually opposed the civil rights act because of it’s interference with the free market. To be fair, the “separate water fountain” industry did take a big hit after it was passed.

Ron Paul has the most conservative voting record in history, never voting against any bill that could slightly be interpreted as possibly going against the Constitution. He describes himself as a strict constitutionalist and that may be because he was there when it was written holy shit is he old.

There are 39 stars on those flags behind him.

Seriously. look at him. He bought that suit a year ago and now it’s too big for him. He’s shrinking. If elected (which won’t happen), he’d enter office at 77 years old, making him the oldest man to hobble into office by 8 years.


Mitt Romney
Mitt Romney has a fucking price on his head placed by conservative think tanks because he closed corporate tax loopholes and introduced (sort of) universal health care as governor of Mass. He’s also been called a “flip flopper” (remember? From the John Kerry days?) which is funny because all of his flip flops have been to make conservatives happy. He was pro choice and anti gun and now he’s pro life and pro gun. Polls say that Romney is the republicans’ best bet to beat Obama but he probably won’t get the nomination because one time he let some poor people get cancer treatments.

Also he’s full on Mormon so if he gets elected we’ll all have to convert and do missionary trips to other countries and wear special underpants.


Man, looking at who the Republicans have to offer I kind of miss Sarah Palin and Donald Trump.

My Interview With Time’s Person of the Year

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The time has come for Time to name it’s Person of the Year for 2011 and this time Time has decided that the most influential person of the year is The Protester.



The Protester takes a brief respite from protesting to pose for the cover of Time




While The Protester has been incredibly busy all over the world protesting things like inequality, injustice and unfairness, The Protester took a moment from their schedule to sit down with me for a brief interview about their new found fame, the art of protesting and their love life.


BILL YOUNG
Thanks for coming. I know you must be busy protesting things.

THE PROTESTER
Thanks for having me! I have been protesting a lot lately. There’s just so much to protest in this world. Keeps a concept busy. Idle hands, you know?

BY
You have been all over the world this year. Egypt, Greece, Libya, every major U.S. city. Where is your favorite place to protest?

TP
Each country has it’s charms, you know? It’s hard to pick. Every place has so much beauty that sticks in my memory. Watching the sun set in Egypt through the smokey haze of a burning cop car. The way the celebratory gunfire would ring through the night in Libya. Greece simply has the best Gyros. I love that cucumber sauce. I’d have to say the U.S. is probably my favorite though because I tend to die the least while protesting here.

BY
Things can get violent for you. You’ve been pelted with thousands of rubber bullets, tear gassed and pepper sprayed countless times, arrested repeatedly and murdered hundreds of times this year alone at the hands of The Police. Do you hold any animosity towards The Police?

TP
Listen, I know that seeing us on the news together that it looks like we must hate each other but The Police is doing his job and I’m doing mine. We’re coworkers.

BY
You do seem to spend a lot of time together.

TP
We work together.

BY
So is there any truth to the rumor that Perez Hilton saw you and The Police at a LA hotspot “sharing drinks, laughs and a quick kiss”?

TP
Like I said, we’re coworkers. Nothing more. I don’t even have time for relationships these days.

BY
So what’s next for The Protester?

TP
Well, I’ll be heading to Russia pretty soon. I know, Russia in the winter, it’s crazy but they have this whole rigged election going on and you go where the job takes you.

BY
Is there any place you wouldn’t protest?

TP
China. Definitely. I’m so needed there but I know when I am not welcome. No thanks(laughs)!

BY
Have any opportunities popped up for you since you’ve been bestowed the “Person of the Year” title?

TP
I am actually in the middle of recording an album right now of all my favorite protest chants. It should drop in a couple of months and it’ll have my chants from all over the world like “OUST!” and “Enough is Enough! Gaddafi’s time is up!”. My favorite to record so far is “This is what brutality looks like!” Kanye West produced that track.



For my full interview with The Protester including recipes, fashion tips and their Oscar picks for 2011 sign up for youngnotions premium when I create it.

The God Particle

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I’m not a scientist. I know this may come to a surprise to a lot of you since I wear a lab coat everywhere and have a bunch of beakers filled with different colored bubbling liquids in my living room but it’s all just for show. I am actually not a scientist.


Most people aren’t scientists, when you think about it. Ask yourself, how many scientists do you know? Maybe one, right? Possibly two. It’s okay. Most of us just aren’t scientists. The problem with most of us not being scientists is that when we read a news article about the Higgs Boson the media makes it sound like they’re about to fucking force God out of his spider hole or some shit.


Photo of God courtesy of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.




Why do they keep calling it “The God Particle”? None of the researchers at CERN actually believe that God is made up of Higgs Bosons (I’m assuming. Please leave a comment if you’re a CERN employee and I’m way off base). Discovery of the particle won’t prove or disprove the existence of God. Once they find the Higgs Boson, God won’t pop out and say “Aaaahhh! You got me! I almost totally had you tricked on how I created the universe!”. The only purpose this title serves is to let people jump to conclusions on something they have little to no knowledge about. The more you let people believe the Higgs Boson is God poop or whatever, the wilder the fantasy of the reader. Speaking of which, here’s how the headline appeared on foxnews.com


and Fox News is usually so level headed.




That headline serves no other purpose than to lead you to believe a bunch of scientists are chasing God through the woods.


The worst part about this is that when this particle is finally discovered God will still be invisible and you, the non scientist, will no longer give a shit about this important discovery. You may possibly even lose faith and trust in science since it didn’t deliver on what the media promised you, God on a platter. If those stupid scientists couldn’t gift wrap God for you like they totally said they could why should you believe any of that other bullshit they say about stuff like global warming and evolution and dinosaurs?


Listen, fellow non scientists. All I ask of you is to have a little faith in science. Science works in mysterious ways and it may not seem like it right now, but science has a plan. Just believe. In the name of the proton, the neutron and the orbiting electron.

A Letter to seattlepi.com

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Dear seattlepi.com;


There seems to be an issue with your website that I wanted to bring to your attention. I encountered the problem reading the syndicated comic strip “Mark Trail” on your site (top of the list when I googled “Mark Trail”! Congrats!). You see, as an act of charity I transcribe Mark Trail comic strips into text-only stories for the blind, elderly and sensitive who enjoy the blandness of Mark Trail but are put off by the vibrant drawings of nature scenes. While browsing through the archive I encountered a problem with navigation. I tried to jump to a specific date but the comic was stuck on December 10th.


In case you haven’t seen it, the Mark Trail comic for December 10th depicted a muzzled bear being attacked by a pack of wolves while a woman watched helplessly in the first panel. She shouted out “he’s helpless with that muzzle and those footpads” to nobody in particular. Perhaps the wolves. The second panel was a close up of the woman’s face as she shouted “HELP!”. The third and final panel went back to the bear being attacked by wolves as the narrator reiterated that the bear was defensless by stating “the defenseless bear is no match for the attacking wolves.


The fact that the website was not allowing me to navigate away from the strip caused three issues I would like you to address and correct.


1. For myself and all of your readers, please fix the website so I can easily navigate around the archives of not only Mark Trail but Mary Worth, Judge Parker, Rex Morgan and any other comic strip where the creator died at least one decade ago.

2. If this cannot be done in an expedient manner, please relay to me the comic strips for Mark Trail for the previous two weeks and any following. You may email the strips to me or transcribe them in text-only fashion as I have done for you for the December 10th strip.

3. In trying to navigate away from the December 10th strip I was confronted, multiple times, of a vicious attack of a muzzled bear by a pack of wolves. Time and again when I thought I had navigated to a new page the gruesome, bloodless image of wolves circling a bear engraved themselves into my brain. The experience has traumatized me and while I have no intention of suing you I would like compensation in the form of a gift card for no more than $10. Please email me for my address.


Thanks!

That Girl in the “One Weird Trick to Stay Asleep All Night” Ad

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My friend Brody has said that I’m obsessed with search engine terms. It’s true. I’ve certainly written enough about the subject but one search term keeps popping up frequently on the site (actually, three do but let’s not talk about “foreskin man” or “kids fuck” today).


The girl in the “One Weird Trick to Stay Asleep All Night” ad.


There’s been over 30 searches from that (or a close variant) in the last three months. For those of you who don’t read the archives back-to-front on a weekly basis, the term leads to a post I did about stupid banner ads and this is one of the ads I so hilariously lampooned.

Haven't had a single zit since I started sleeping with an egg in my mouth.




Every week at least two search engine terms looking for the identity of this girl.


Who are you?




Frankly, I don’t see the appeal. She’s not unattractive but to have so many people try to figure out more about her? Am I missing something here? It’s probably because she looks like she smokes weed. She even looks high in the picture (maybe the one weird trick to stay asleep all night is to get high). Whatever her mystique, there’s a lot of search engine terms about her leading here which means one of three things.

1.) Multiple people are looking for her and there’s little/no info about her on the internet (most likely).

2.) One person searches for her every day, hoping to find more about his mysterious dreadlock and shitty dye-job love but keeps clicking on this blog for some reason.

3.) Somebody was looking for more info on her, stumbled on this blog and thought it was funny but not funny enough to bookmark or remember the URL. Now every time he want’s to read my blog he searches for that term again. I’m the “one weird trick” guy.


Whatever the reason, the hits just keep on a coming and will probably only increase in volume since I’m dedicating an entire post to the mystery girl so as a favor to all you lovelorn folks out there wanting to know more I’ve decided to create a backstory for her.


Her name is Heather. She likes all kinds of music except country (old country is okay, though) and followed Phish around for a while. She’s all about Kevin Smith movies and totally loves to play Halo. She dropped out of college but was a philosophy major so she’s totally into having long conversations about Kant or whatever. She belongs to a kickball league. She was in a band for a while but now she just likes to jam on the acoustic guitar. Her hair is red in the picture but she dyes it different colors all the time.



Basically she’s every barista ever.



UPDATE! Ian Rans pointed out that Heather is a stock photo known as “Colorul woman”! You can purchase her stock photo here (she looks so much more high in the bigger, higher resolution pic) and here. Mystery solved!

Victoria Jackson is a Comedic Genius

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The mark of a true satirical genius is when they actually get you to think they believe what they’re saying. They become so entrenched in their character that you think they’re as crazy as they pretend to be. This Kaufman-esque dedication to the part is what makes it all the more hilarious when you realize that they’re in on the joke. The longer the performer is able to keep this charade going, the more people they’re able to draw in, the bigger the payoff.


I honestly think this is what Victoria Jackson is doing.


It’s perfect, when you think about it. She spent years on SNL doing funny-but-not-groundbreaking roles and bit parts and after a few minor roles in movies she completely disappears from the public radar. Come 2008, she’s on Fox News calling Obama a communist.


It’s weird to think about at first. Why is she on Fox News? She’s not a political commentator and she hasn’t worked in forever. Is Fox News just letting any comedian on if they’ll bash Obama? One would automatically think this is some sort of prank from Victoria (Ms. Jackson if you’re crazy). Knowing that people would think this was some sort of joke she starts doing some of the worst stand up imaginable to make people think she’s incapable of proper satire. Here she is telling street jokes for the Christian comedy DVD series “Thou Shalt Laugh”

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_eFuvNv5vsk&w=420&h=315]
Classic misdirection.


So after watching her “perform comedy”, you’re assured that this isn’t a prank. She actually believes what she says when she says dudes kissing on Glee is “sickening” and that “homophobia is a buzzword created by liberals”.


To take the gag even further she starts a conservative round table youtube show called “PolitiChicks” which is essentialy The View if The View was done by four housewives who were scared shitless of muslims and gays because of conversations they overheard from their husbands. Here’s the first episode.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EcCvvJWyx4c&w=560&h=315]


I suggest watching it twice. Watch it once thinking it’s just another conservative talk show. Kind of hard to get through, right? Now watch it again and realize that Victoria Jackson is fucking with them. Look at the way she hijacks the conversation 30 seconds in for a shitty, Islamophobic parody song that’s only half finished! At about 9 minutes in she actually says “Eric Holder and Janet Napolitano have dead eyes” as her eyes float around the room, making contact with nothing around her as if she doesn’t think her surroundings are even real! Fucking genius!


And now she was just on Fox and Friends explaining her political views like a concussed five year old and they fucking had to agree with her because she’s “a conservative”! It’s the perfect joke! She’s only on these shows to parody these people while they fucking nod their heads in agreement!


That has to be what she’s doing. The only other reasonable explanation for her behavior is that she’s an insane woman.

Excerpt From a Chat With Jena.

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Jena
Also, I know what I’m getting you for Christmas

Bill
Christmas!
don’t tell me
I like surprises
I don’t know what to get you for christmas.
I’d sell my hair to buy you a watch strap but I don’t have hair and you don’t wear a watch

Jena
I have a christmas list on amazon

Bill
I could sell my pubic hair. Do people buy that?
I’m sure there’s a market for that.

Jena
Probably not
Maybe in Japan

Bill
“Why yes this does come from a schoolgirl, Mr. Stereotypical Japanese Businessman.”

Jena
Nice.

Bill
Best not to lie about that stuff. Don’t want to get reported to the BPBB
Better Pervy Business Bureau


The Better Pervy Business Bureau spontaneously formed in 1996 when Joe Francis bought his first camera.

The Art of Holding Fuckers Accountable.

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I love the internet. I truly love it. Not just because it has all the porn ever for free or a million social networking sites for me to whore out my stupid comedy shows (although those two take a Pac-Man shaped bite out of the pie chart). The internet holds a special place in my heart because you get to chew fuckers out at the speed of thought. Big coporations, specifically.


Think about it. If you wanted to tell off a company for doing something awful back in the year nineteen-fuck-all you’d have to start a letter writing campaign, get a phone tree going or even publish a book before anything got done. These days, if a large corporation like PayPal does something like freezes the accounts of regretsy.com’s charity for bullshit reasons (click the link if you like being horribly outraged!), you can comment on their facebook page, you can email them via their website, you could leave a comment on their stupid blog. Hell, you could even call customer service at 1-888-221-1161 if you’re feeling old fashioned about it. It’s so easy!


Not only is it easy, it’s necessary. PayPal not only fucked up big time, they were dicks about it. Luckily, the internet provides us with the means to cram every single public relations orifice that PayPal has exposed with spite and condemnation.


The best part is that you can say whatever you want. As a company that relies on customers’ money, PayPal needs to play nice when addressing the public at large but you can tell them to fuck right off and they’ll still accept your business. Here’s what I posted on their wall –

“Hey, nice job on killing that kid’s charity. When it comes to keeping toys out of the hands of impoverished children, nobody beats PayPal!”


I also sent this email to them –

Your name
Ebeneezer Scrooge

Your message
Your stance on fucking the poor children out of gifts this Christmas is truly an inspiration! How dare regretsy try to give to the needy without navigating through your baffling terms of service first! Good for you!


This is how you affect change in the 21st century. You scream and thrash and tell everybody you know and show the bastards that you will not stop until they make it right. Good, clean fun and it’s totally free.

UPDATE PayPal has posted a tail-between-the-legs apology assuring the public that they are not, in fact, monsters that hate poor children. Or at the very least, they hate a million negative facebook comments more than poor children. Either way, the regretsy issue is being resolved. God bless us, everyone!

Liberal Muppet Conspiracy

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I knew it. I fucking knew it. All those years of watching The Muppet Show and Muppet movies I could tell that they were brainwashing kids to grow up to be filthy, tree hugging liberals but I just couldn’t put together enough evidence to make my claims public. Thank god for Fox Business’ Follow the Money and their story on the new Muppet movie’s left leanings (click link for the video).


Busted, you bleeding heart muppets! You never had me fooled. I always knew Sweetums was just Michael Moore without his baseball cap.



If you think this is new, you’re dead wrong. The muppets have been infiltrating kids’ entertainment for years with their liberal agenda. Just look at the characters.


Animal: Obviously a long haired hippy.

Dr. Bunson Honeydew: Scientist. Probably believes in global warming and evolution.

Statler and Waldorf: Living high off social security with their balcony seat tickets.

Fozzie: Comedian. Possibly jewish.

Gonzo: Illegal alien.


It’s bad enough Sesame Street is teaching kids that poverty and AIDS exist. Figures that one of the largest corporations in the world (currently #226) would put out an anti corporation liberal agenda.