Tag Archives: writing

You Say You Want a Resolution?

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Well, 2013 is here and as I look on my facebook timeline I see friends either posting about the resolutions they’re making, how they’re not making any resolutions or how they’re sick of people making resolutions because nobody ever sticks to them anyway.



Personally, I like the tradition of making resolutions in the New Year. There’s something downright poetic about casting aside your past mistakes and hitting the reset button, only looking forward. Trying to face whatever comes as a better person.



Of course, poetry gives way to reality when you stop going to the gym after a month, have a cigarette a day later, strangle a craigslist hooker in a dirty motel room etc.



I’ve made plenty of resolutions in my past. I’ve never been able to stick with any of them so several years ago I decided to make a resolution that I could stick with and never make one again. My resolution was that every toast I’d make for the rest of my life would be “kill whitey” and with very rare exception, I’ve stuck to it and haven’t made a resolution ever since.



I miss it, though. Making New Year’s resolutions. Sure, I get to feel like I’m better than everybody else when I hear about how they broke their resolutions but I miss the little bit of excitement and hope you get from simply making them. Even if you can’t see it through you at least tried to better yourself and that has to be worth a little something, right?



This year I have decided to break my last resolution of “no more resolutions” (I’m still going to toast “kill whitey” until the day I die, though) and make resolutions this year. But rather than make one or two I’m going to go all out and make as many resolutions as I can. I’m an incredibly flawed person so there’s plenty of resolving I can do. I figure that if I try the shotgun approach, then a few of them are bound to stick.



In fact, I’ll try my damndest to actually stick to all my resolutions and will update on my 2013 resolutisplosion (first resolution, find a better name for this idea) every Monday here on youngnotions.com . Okay, here’s my resolutions –



1: Work out every day I’m not working my day job. Use all the little home exercise equipment I’ve bought for myself (I spent 25 bucks on ankle weights like 3 years ago and have only used them once).



2: No more sweets. No more cookies. No more Snickers Peanut Butter Squared. No more gas station donuts. No more giant peanut butter sandwiches right before going to bed. No more daring midnight raids of hotel snack machines when on the road (seriously you don’t know shame until the person waiting behind you sighs as you pick out your THIRD item from the vending machine).



3: No alcohol for the entire year (until New Year’s eve).



4: No playing flash games online. Sites like kongregate.com have taken up way too much free time that could have been spent writing, using some of that exercise equipment that’s gathering up dust or hanging out with my wife.



5: Actually meet all my writing deadlines for this website and my sketch comedy stuff.



6: Call my parents more often.



7: Stop biting my fingernails.



8: Leave the room if I’m at home and have to fart or at least excuse myself if I do fart rather than throw my fists up in the air and scream “YEAH!”.



9: Not wait until the internet gets shut off to take care of the Comcast bill.



10: Get more standup comedy work in 2013.



Well I think that should be enough. Check back every Monday to see how I’m doing with my “Resolution X”.



Okay, shit. that name’s even worse than “resolutisplosion”. Whatever. I’ll think of something. Resolutions start tomorrow because I’m hung the fuck over right now. Kill whitey.

Drunk Post, by Bill Young

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Friday night I had too much to drink. Far too much to drink.



I planned on a quiet night in or perhaps going to the CCUG open micbut I ended up getting a call from my friend Josh who runs Club Underground at the Spring Street Tavern. He needed somebody to work the door and would pay a modest fee and throw in some free booze as well.



Some = all. I drank all the booze. There’s none left. Go to any liquor store today. You’ll just find the employee shrugging and saying something like “I don’t know. It’s… all gone.” It’s all gone because I drank it all in one night working the door for a hip hop show.



As the cab drove me home that night, I stuck my head out the window like a dog because the breeze on my face helped fight the dizzyness. I asked the driver to stop a few blocks short of my house because I wanted to walk around a bit before I got home. It was a beautiful night out and if I were to lay down at that moment I would have got the spins something awful. This was about 2:45 AM.



Pay attention to that time, there. I’m taking a writing class at The Learning Annex and I’m trying something out my instructor calls “foreshadowing”.



About 15 minutes into my winding journey home I stumbled across three African (like, actual African. They had the accents) teenagers hanging out in an open minivan. One of them called out to me and says “Hey, man! You know where we can get some ruffies?”



I thought for a moment about how awesome it is that I look like a date rapist at first glance, politely tell them that I don’t and ask why they’d want ruffies in the first place.



“Because they get you high, right?”



Oh, thank god! For a second I thought they pegged me for a sex offender but in reality they just thought I was a drug addict! I tell them what it’s commonly used for, why you shouldn’t use that and that it’s probably hard to find anyway but I wouldn’t know because I’ve never even looked for the stuff before! I mean, come on!



We talk for a while, I assure them I don’t have any drugs and don’t know where to find any, only now realizing I could’ve totally pranked them by telling them to try smoking nutmeg or dog shit for a buzz. I then invite them to my show the next night at the CCUG, regretting that I didn’t have any business cards with me (they never showed up anyway so fuck ’em). We parted ways and I stumbled in the vague direction of my home. Little did I know that my night was far from over…



You like what I just did there? More Leaning Annex magic my instructor taught me called a “cliffhanger”. Thanks to my instructor, mystery novel author Jeanette Michaels and be sure to check out her book –







Buy it at her etsy store today!


Craigslist Job Posting Response Episode Whatever: Creative Writer Word Salad.

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Once again I have taken to the creative job postings section of craigslist to try to find that coveted “comedy writer – ice cream taster” position of which legends are told. I’ve searched before with no luck but I replied to one of the listings (see the listing here) anyway to feel productive.


Hi. My name is Bill Young. I’m a comedian/writer based out of Minneapolis. In response to your ad looking for a creative writer I thought I’d do something a little different. Rather than submit a resume or a sample of my writings, I will proofread your ad as my application. I’ll paste your ad here in the email and put my notes in italics (the text that slants to the right).


Conducts research to obtain factual information and authentic detail, utilizing sources such as newspaper accounts, diaries, and interviews.
Okay, first off I know that it isn’t necessary to address the reader in second or third person since, potentially, only people wanting the job will read this but it’s good form. You should start out with “Our applicants will-” or “This position requires you to-“. Let’s stick with “you” because you don’t want to bounce between second and third person. The phrase “obtain factual information and authentic detail” and everything that follows is horribly redundant. How about you make that whole chunk much shorter and concise by stating “detailed research using verifiable sources”? You don’t really need to explain every little detail of what that means. Remember, you’re looking for a creative writer. They should get it.



Reviews, submits for approval, and revises written material to meet personal standards and satisfy needs of client, publisher, director, or producer.
“Reviews” and “revises” pretty much mean the same thing in this context and “meet personal standards” can sound ambiguous so why don’t we just say “Once hired, you will (remember to address the applicant!) be responsible for editing own material”. While I’m not exactly sure of what your firm does because you didn’t really explain your company or give it’s website or even a name (hey you should do that), I assume that publishers, directors and producers are all people the writer will be generating the content for so you basically said “satisfy need of client, client, client or client”.



Selects subject or theme for writing project based on personal interest and writing specialty, or assignment from publisher, client, producer, or director.
You probably don’t need a comma before “or” since it’s a conjunction and you’re not joining two sentences together. Let’s throw “for writing project” out as well since the applicant will only be doing writing projects. How about “Our clients will give you the themes but you may select them on your own. This will be done on a project by project basis so flexibility is required.”



Develops factors, such as theme, plot, characterization, psychological analysis, historical environment, action, and dialogue, to create material.
Some more info and less redundancy would be great here. I assume from this line that your applicants may need to do some short fiction based on the whole “theme, plot, characterization etc” so just tell them that they’ll need to build short fiction from the ground up.



Writes humorous material for publication or performance, such as comedy routines, gags, comedy shows, or scripts for entertainers.
“Comedy experience in stand up and sketch preferred”. I know I’m breaking my own rule here but it’s okay to deviate from that once in a while if you’re just describing the job.


We will need to verbally speak to all our waiters, So please send your phone number.
You’re looking for waiters? If this is all a ruse to get out of work writers to sling hash then you don’t need to trick them. Most writers are also waiters anyway. If that was just a typo, remember to actually read your posting and not just rely on spellcheck because sometimes you can misspell a word into a real word. Also, “verbally speak” is again redundant so why not just say “Phone interview required before hiring”.



Writes fiction or nonfiction prose work, such as short story, novel, biography, article, descriptive or critical analysis, or essay.
There’s that comma hanging around with “or” again. “Or” also seems to be between “descriptive” and “critical”. You might want an “and” instead since “descriptive” and “critical” aren’t really opposites. It’s not one or the other.



Writes play or script for moving pictures or television, based on original ideas or adapted from fictional, historical, or narrative sources.
This seems to just be an extension of the last paragraph (only a sentence really but you’re double spacing all of them so they become paragraphs). Also, “adapted from fictional, historical, or narrative sources” covers most every type of source so just say “a variety of sources”.



Organizes material for project, plans arrangement or outline, and writes synopsis.
Ugh. This just sums up stuff that’s been covered here and there throughout the ad so far so just get rid of it.


Collaborates with other writers on specific projects.
This info seems necessary but let’s address the applicant again and tell them what they need to get the job done. “Teamwork skills necessary as you will be collaborating with other writers on certain projects.”


Confers with client, publisher, or producer to discuss development changes or revisions.
Again, we already talked about this requirement so let’s just ditch it



Please send current resume, and phone number.
There are different schools of thought on whether or not the comma is required here (the “oxford comma”) but if it’s just two things in a list you don’t need it.


There you go! I hope you like my application and if you don’t consider me I hope this helps you find more applicants in the future.


I hope they call!



(Note: I’m well aware there’s a few English majors cringing at the mistakes I made but gimme a break. It’s still a million times better than this ESL ad.)

Would You Like to Join My Religion? No? What if I Gave You a Boring, Sneaky Brochure?

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I think the Jehova’s Witnesses are targeting me specifically.



I don’t know what it is. Maybe I had a little too much fun on my birthday and it pissed them off. Maybe one of them saw me hand out fliers for a comedy show and thought those skills would translate well into handing out pamphlets about the bible or whatever but they’ve got it in for me.


The latest sneak attack happened this morning when I was on a walk in my ongoing attempt to be less goddamn fat. I was walking down lake street when a woman in a van parked on the side of the road leaned out the passenger side and said “would you like something to read?” and handed me a pamphlet.



That man’s got the look of a man who trusts what he’s reading.





I took the pamphlet to be polite, gave her a quick nod, mumbled “thank you” and kept walking. I didn’t need to look at it to know it was a Jehova’s Witness thing. Of course it was. Nobody else just gives you something to read without first explaining what they’re handing you. Even the Mormons are nice enough to wear uniforms and ask up front if you want to talk about Jesus. The Jehova’s Witnesses just hit and run. They want you to convert but won’t say it out loud in public. It’s Jehova’s Witness Protection Program (#mynewbandname).



The biggest pamphlet assault against me happened several years ago. I was doing mortgage collections for a huge bank (let’s call them Fells Wargo). It was an awful job. I was making huge paychecks via commission and just blowing them on booze every night to try to forget what I did to earn the money to buy the booze. Almost every day at work was spent hungover and the person sitting next to me was a Jehova’s Witness.



She never said she was. She let her pamphlets do the talking.



Sometimes the calls were slow and since the internet had a “block anything fun” filter on it I would usually bring in a book to read. Once we were working together on Christmas eve because I needed the money and it was just another day to her. There were no calls coming in and I spent most of the day reading Siddhartha. At one point in the day she looked at the book in my hands and said “Siddhartha? What’s that book about?” I told her it was a story about a man in India who left his home searching for enlightenment in the time of Buddha.



She said “Hm. He sounds like a good man. Do you know who the best man ever was? Jesus.”



A few weeks later I was at my desk reading and she was at hers looking at me, just searching for a way to start a conversation about Jesus. She reached into her purse and said “you like reading so much. I got something you can read if you like.” and handed me a pamphlet that said “How Can Blood Save Your Life”.



No mention of Jesus on the cover. Jehova’s Witness sneak attack!”





You can read the whole pamphlet here. It basically starts out with some 6th grade science about what blood does and then tells you you shouldn’t get blood transfusions because the bible said “”Everything that lives and moves will be food for you. . . . But you must not eat meat that has its lifeblood still in it” (i.e. don’t eat raw meat, dumbass). Then they liken blood transfusions to cannibalism and say it’s unsafe because it was unsafe 200 years ago.



She asked what I thought and I told her that I donate blood regularly, showing her my red cross card. I then told her a couple of personal stories of relatives and friends who would have died without blood transfusions and then she said “I don’t know… having someone else’s blood in me just seems weird. Yuck!” During my break I went to my supervisor demanding to be moved to a different desk.



The very next day I moved to my new desk but only worked a half day because I was driving up to a small town in North Dakota to tell some jokes. I was driving up with the host and headliner telling them about the Jehova’s Witness who wouldn’t leave me alone and the pamphlets. When we arrive at the hotel and check in I look at the coffee table in the lobby and it’s strewn with Watchtower magazines. I yell out “THEY FOLLOWED ME” and the front desk clerk looked at me and said “What?”



I said “Nothing! Inside joke… ha ha” and he looked at me like I was crazy which was good because then maybe he wouldn’t talk to me about Jesus.



I will say they’ve got one of the more attractive Jesuses. Soulful, not too thin, well groomed. Tell me you wouldn’t hit that.




Hot Mummy Armpits: The Continuing Tale of You Weirdos Typing Crazy Shit Into Search Engines.

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This is pretty much a monthly thing now.



Once again I dive head first into the site stats to see what google searches led people to this blog because the only thing in the news right now is the Sandusky trial and something about Russia protests. I really don’t have anything to say about Sandusky except “I hope he goes to jail forever” and I don’t know anything about Russian politics. Also, I don’t want to get on Vladimir Putin’s bad side. Does not seem like the kind of guy you want to fuck with.



There are like two dozen pics of him on his wikipedia page and all but one contain this same cold, analytic stare. The one with him smiling seems even more terrifying somehow.




But enough about the scary Russian man. Let’s see what you freaks have been typing into google!


hot mummy armpits
Jesus. The worst part is that this could be one of two things and both are gross. There’s either somebody out there with one of the most specific fetishes I’ve ever heard of (I’m into monsters but only mummies and particularly their armpits) or it’s a british dude looking for old lady armpits.


any websites that you can ask women to take their bra off
Yes. Half of the internet is those sites. It’s called porn. Do… do you not know that porn exists?


does anybody like bitches?
I like to think that this was entered by a girl who was nice but thinking of becoming a bitch but wanted to know if that was the right move.

To answer the question, no. Bitches be crazy.


chinese horizontal vagina anatomy
Okay. I kind of remember referencing something in a blog a while back about that weird old stereotype about Chinese girls having sideways vaginas but I couldn’t actually recall when I wrote about it so I actually googled “youngnotions chinese sideways vagina” (life imitates art!) and I found this piece of finely crafted political satire.

What’s weird about this one is that this search shows the user isn’t completely stupid, given their use of words like “horizontal” and “anatomy” but it shows they’re pretty stupid because they’re asking the internet if Chinese girls have sideways vaginas.


the log ride turds
…I don’t even know what this person wants.


why does my dick shine in the light
Probably because you spend so much time waxing it! Boom! High five!

Seriously though you should have a doctor check that out if it’s really shiny.


Thanks for reading, confused perverts! Hopefully you were able to have some laughs even though you didn’t get the naked sasquatch pictures you were looking for or whatever.

HEY, WISCONSIN!

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If you live in Wisconsin you should only be reading this right now if –



1. You’re wearing one of those nifty “I voted” stickers.
2. You’re under 18 years of age.
3. You’re a felon.



If you don’t fall into any of those three categories then you need to get off your ass and go vote!



…unless you’re in line to vote and are reading this on a smart phone. If that’s the case I apologize for yelling at you.



Seriously, though. Vote Walker out of office. The guy’s a douchebag. To sum up why for the few people who haven’t watched The Daily Show in over a year, here’s a short play I wrote called “2011 Wisconsin Act 10: A One Act Play”.


GOV. WALKER: Our state is facing a bazillion dollar deficit! I have concocted a plan to fix the budget! It’s called 2011 Wisconsin Act 10.

DEMS: (reads bill) Okay this seems mostly legit and we’ll totally sign this if you take out the part that seems to cripple or completely destroy state worker unions.

GOV. WALKER: State worker unions aren’t necessary! They’re useless and bankrupting the state!

DEMS: Okay well if that’s the case then why are cops and firefighters exempt from the whole “union kneecapping” thing? And what’s this whole part about firing state employees all willy-nilly if you declare a State of Emergency? We’re gonna head to Illinois for a while while you think this over.

GOV. WALKER: I WILL START LAYING OFF STATE EMPLOYEES AND FREEZE YOUR GODDAMN PAY IF YOU DON’T GET BACK HERE.

DAVID KOCH: …are they gone?

GOV. WALKER: It’s okay, lover. It’s just you and me now.

DAVID KOCH: Hold me.

(the two entwine in a tender embrace)

fin



Vote, ya cheeseheads!


Okay I know they’re making the hand look like the state but did they have to include the eastern peninsula? It looks like a weird, pointy 6th finger.




Ugh. Country Music: The Craigslist Job Postings Continue!

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In my ongoing quest to take my writing skills and translate them into jobs I find on craigslist, I came across this one looking for bloggers! I’m technically a blogger (don’t tell anybody but I’m unlicensed) so let’s see what we can do!



Country Music Blog Writer (Stillwater, MN)

Do you like country music? Do you find yourself following the news and social media of people involved in country music? We are looking for someone to hunt down and scoop all things country music. Must have good writing/blogging skills and must be extremely reliable, professional and able to work on a deadline. Please respond with a writing sample, resume and a little bit about yourself. Part time 2-3 hours a day.

Location: Stillwater, MN
it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: per diem
PostingID: 3018956683


Oh, man. This one’s going to be hard for me. It’s common knowledge that I’m an awesome writer but this subject will be challenging because I don’t listen to country music because I hate country music. I can’t stand it. I think it’s terrible.



Shit. I need the money so let’s do this. Since I don’t listen to country music I’ll have to see what’s popular. Upon googling “new country music” I went to CMT’s website and saw all the “hot new artists”. One of which was Kip Moore who has the new hit single… Oh Jesus Christ… “Somethin’ Bout a Truck”.



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3YfNFR6gh2E&w=560&h=315]



Reading the comments on the CMT website people are generally pleased with the video. Almost all the comments talk about how trucks are awesome (one lamented that the truck should have been a Ford) and to quote one comment “Glad to see this song doing so well on the charts! If you’ve never had fun in a truck in a cornfield, then you ain’t living, there’s somethin’ bout a truck!”.



Reading the comments on the youtube video (had to go to youtube for the embedable vid) and everybody’s just commenting about how race mixing is destroying the white race but those comments are pretty much on every youtube video so we’ll just ignore that.



Alright. Time to write a review of this video.



Kip Moore scores a home run (or touchdown. Whichever sport country fans like more) with his new video “Somethin’ Bout a Truck”. This song has it all! Trucks, attractive women, beer, cornfields and creeks! While this song certainly could have benefited from having a faithful dog and a show of appreciation to the troops fighting for us overseas, Kip Moore really captures the fun of drinking beer with an attractive woman while sitting in the back of a truck in a rural setting.

My favorite part about the song is it’s timelessness. You could literally have written this song 90 years ago and not have to change a single lyric! That quality is perfect for country music. Showing through song a portrait of an America that has never changed and never will.


Yee haw!

There’s something about that… A certain “je ne sais quoi”

Man vs. Goose and Also Some Old Fat Ladies in a Minivan

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We all have those moments in our lives that we wish we could have done over. A situation where we could have handled something more gracefully or said something more clever –



The jerk store called. They’re running out of you!





This is one of those stories.



Yesterday Jena, Jared (my stepson), my sister, her husband and I all carpooled down to Little Canada to hang out with my mom for Mother’s day. Mom wanted to go to Culver’s for lunch but there wasn’t enough room in the car for everybody so Jena, the boy and I walked there as it was only a few blocks away and if I was going to eat at a place that calls their hamburgers “Butterburgers” I might want to get some exercise.



As we were walking towards Culver’s we came across some geese strutting down the street like they were a bunch of cows in India.



Buncha arrogant pricks.





I think we can all agree that geese are jerks. They’re loud, they’ll walk down the middle of any street like they own it, they shit all over little league baseball fields and they fight people with lightsabers for no reason.



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKyu0NlnnWQ&w=420&h=315]


Geese suck so I figured it would be of no consequence when I turned to Jena and said “Gimme a sec. I’m gonna go chase a goose for a bit.” She gave me the standard “you’re such a child” and off I went to go bother a goose for a few seconds.



The aim here is neither to catch or hit the goose. I honestly don’t know what I’d do with a goose if I caught it and I don’t want to hurt it. The goose has not personally wronged me and frankly I’m outnumbered. The boy would be no good in a fight and the wife wouldn’t back me up merely on principle. I just want to chase the goose to the point where it flies away. I don’t know why but if he flies away, I win. That’s how the game is played. I don’t make the rules (actually I do).



I start by walking towards the goose. Goose sees what’s going on and starts casually walking away from me like I’m no big threat, he just wants to go over there now. I pick up the pace to show I mean business and the goose starts walking a little faster and more deliberately. My stride becomes that of a light jog and the goose starts flapping his wings as he walks away as if to say “hey, buddy. Don’t make me fly away because I will fly away SO HARD”. Once I get that wing warning it’s full sprint, waving my arms above my head like a madman and shouting “HEY, GOOSE!” The goose flies away to a nearby pond and I make my way back towards the Culver’s parking lot. I win. Fuck you, goose.



Right as I start walking back I notice a car stopped on the street about fifty feet away from me. A woman was sticking her head out of the driver’s side rear window and yelling “HEY, JACKASS!”. I turned to her and she screamed “DONT YA HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO THAN CHASE A BUNCH OF GEESE AROUND?”



I politely hollered back “Uh, not really!” and started walking toward Jena. The woman continued to scream “YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF, BOTHERING INNOCENT GEESE LIKE THAT. YOU’RE SETTING A HORRIBLE EXAMPLE FOR YOUR SON.”



I’m seriously confused at this point. Are they actually mad at me for chasing a goose? I look at Jena and she’s crouched over holding her stomach and laughing hysterically. The woman in the car screeched “WHY DON’T YOU CHASE YOUR WIFE, INSTEAD?”



I start to run towards Jena but she doesn’t move, she’s too busy trying not to collapse from her laughter. I turned to the woman in the car and said “See, I chase her but she doesn’t run away. It’s not the same!” Another woman shouted from the driver’s window “YOU’RE PATHETIC, YA JACKASS!” and I gather up the wife and kid to just wait inside Culver’s for everybody else to show up.



As soon as I step inside Culver’s I regret not engaging those women more. It’s just really weird, having a stranger yell at you for something you don’t think would make anybody mad. Pile on the fact that I was a little light headed for running for five seconds and I was in no shape to go toe to toe with those ladies but as soon as I’m away from the situation I start thinking of all the things I could have said and done to make it funnier.



I pull out my phone and set the camera to video mode, thinking if she’s still out there I’d interview her and throw it up on youtube or the blog but everybody else shows up, we order our food and sit down.



To make things even weirder as we sat, chatted and ate I saw her car in the same exact spot for a half hour. I don’t know if they were waiting for me to come out because they thought of the perfect thing to say or what but I kept my phone at the ready in case they burst in and started chasing me around shouting “HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, JACKASS?”


They were gone by the time we had finished the meal. I regret not going back out there to film them. I regret not chasing more geese just to piss them off. I just have to make sure I don’t let the regret eat at me. I’d hate to spend the next several weekends chasing geese around the Little Canada Culver’s like Costanza digging into a bucket of shrimp in hopes that those weird ladies show up to yell at me again.

I Am So Glad I’m Straight.

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You know what’s awesome? Being heterosexual.



I think one of the best things about being straight is that nobody gives me a hard time for it. Not once in my life has anybody made fun of me for my sexual attraction to women. Nobody hates me because I’m straight. A bunch of drunken hillbilly homosexuals have never beat the shit out of me because they hate straight people. Nobody’s ever belittled me because they’re afraid they might be straight and they can’t deal with that. It’s awesome.



What’s even better about it is that the law is totally on my side. I have never been denied a single right because of the gender of people I like to bang. It’s really awesome! I even married somebody and there’s a bunch of laws set up to give me even more rights and protections because I’m married!



I’m glad those laws are set up, too. I love the woman I married and want to spend the rest of my life with her but that totally isn’t necessary for a marriage to happen. I could hate her guts, never touch her and openly plan to divorce her like two months after the wedding and they’d still let us get married.



It’s not even a religious thing. I could literally wipe my ass with a bible during the wedding ceremony but the state would still file the marriage certificate because we’re a man and a woman.



Anyway, I’m glad those laws are set up. I love my wife and I shudder to think of a world where the government wouldn’t allow me to get married to her. Seriously. Not once during the planning of our wedding did I think “what if we can’t?”. Ugh. That’d be terrible.



We spent a year engaged and nobody ever said we shouldn’t get married because we’re straight. That would have been awful, especially if it was the government saying it.



If the government told me that I couldn’t marry the person I loved, if they told me that I’d never be able to marry the person I loved, I would seriously have no faith or trust in my government. If the people of my state voted on whether or not I get to marry the person I love and they voted that I didn’t, I’d feel like a pariah in my own city.



Whelp, good thing I’m straight and don’t have to worry about any of that bullshit. Can you imagine?



Seriously, though. Fuck you, North Carolina. Fuck your state government, fuck your voters, fuck Governor Bev Perdue and fuck your state bird, The Cardinal.

Push up!

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For those of you who read this post or have seen me you may know that I’m a fat guy. Steps have been taken to make myself less fat but progress has been slow so I’ve decided to take extreme measures and make the ultimate sacrifice in my quest to live healthier. I’ve decided to start working out.


Working out is hard. I can’t afford a personal trainer or gym membership and Michelle Obama only cares about fat kids (why doesn’t she care about us fat adults?) but that doesn’t mean working out is impossible. If you can’t afford the Ivan Drago half of the Rocky IV training montage you just do the Rocky half.




Alright, it’ll probably be a while before I’m pulling people on sleds made from logs that i sawed myself but there’s still plenty of workouts I can do for free. If I want to do some cardio I’ll just go for a walk or bike ride. For strength training I can do push ups and sit ups.

In fact, there’s a website that shows you how to do the hundred push ups challenge. It’s a six week program designed to get you worked up to the point where you can crack off a hundred push ups in a row. That’s pretty badass. If I could do a hundred push ups in a row I think I’d show that skill off as often as possible. If I was talking to somebody about fitness and they asked what I do when I work out I would show them by doing a hundred push ups in a row. If somebody dropped their pen on the floor I’d be all like “oh here let me get that for you and do a hundred push ups while I’m down here.”


The program starts with an initial test where you do as many push ups as you can to determine where you should start in the program. If you can only do 1 or 2 you may need to do an extra week of work. If you can already do 100 why are you even starting this program? Yesterday morning I got on the floor for the initial test and I did 12 push ups.



That’s not a lot. It was seriously my limit, too. My armpits are sore this morning. 12? To make matters worse last week I emailed my bio to the guy who booked me for the Canada shows and this is what I sent him –



Bio:
Born in the wild, raised by wolves, trained by the government. Bill Young is the kind of comedian that writes jokes and then tells those jokes to you when he is on stage. His work has appeared in the Cannes International Film Festival twice and he recently headlined the Up and Comers Showcase at the Akumal Comedy Festival. Bill Young can do over 20 push ups.


Shit. What if I’m up there and they ask me to prove it? Everybody knows it’s illegal to lie in Canada! I might get deported or get a beat down from a bunch of Mounties carrying whatever their equivalent to billy clubs are (hockey sticks?).



Alright. This program is supposed to get me to 100 pushups in 6 weeks. Hopefully I can get to 20 in four weeks.


Ugh. Losing weight sucks. I’m gonna rent Heavy Weights on Netflix and eat a jar of peanut butter.

Remember Heavy Weights? It’s actually a really funny movie. Judd Apatow wrote it. No lie.