Push up!

For those of you who read this post or have seen me you may know that I’m a fat guy. Steps have been taken to make myself less fat but progress has been slow so I’ve decided to take extreme measures and make the ultimate sacrifice in my quest to live healthier. I’ve decided to start working out.

Working out is hard. I can’t afford a personal trainer or gym membership and Michelle Obama only cares about fat kids (why doesn’t she care about us fat adults?) but that doesn’t mean working out is impossible. If you can’t afford the Ivan Drago half of the Rocky IV training montage you just do the Rocky half.

Alright, it’ll probably be a while before I’m pulling people on sleds made from logs that i sawed myself but there’s still plenty of workouts I can do for free. If I want to do some cardio I’ll just go for a walk or bike ride. For strength training I can do push ups and sit ups.

In fact, there’s a website that shows you how to do the hundred push ups challenge. It’s a six week program designed to get you worked up to the point where you can crack off a hundred push ups in a row. That’s pretty badass. If I could do a hundred push ups in a row I think I’d show that skill off as often as possible. If I was talking to somebody about fitness and they asked what I do when I work out I would show them by doing a hundred push ups in a row. If somebody dropped their pen on the floor I’d be all like “oh here let me get that for you and do a hundred push ups while I’m down here.”

The program starts with an initial test where you do as many push ups as you can to determine where you should start in the program. If you can only do 1 or 2 you may need to do an extra week of work. If you can already do 100 why are you even starting this program? Yesterday morning I got on the floor for the initial test and I did 12 push ups.

That’s not a lot. It was seriously my limit, too. My armpits are sore this morning. 12? To make matters worse last week I emailed my bio to the guy who booked me for the Canada shows and this is what I sent him –

Born in the wild, raised by wolves, trained by the government. Bill Young is the kind of comedian that writes jokes and then tells those jokes to you when he is on stage. His work has appeared in the Cannes International Film Festival twice and he recently headlined the Up and Comers Showcase at the Akumal Comedy Festival. Bill Young can do over 20 push ups.

Shit. What if I’m up there and they ask me to prove it? Everybody knows it’s illegal to lie in Canada! I might get deported or get a beat down from a bunch of Mounties carrying whatever their equivalent to billy clubs are (hockey sticks?).

Alright. This program is supposed to get me to 100 pushups in 6 weeks. Hopefully I can get to 20 in four weeks.

Ugh. Losing weight sucks. I’m gonna rent Heavy Weights on Netflix and eat a jar of peanut butter.

Remember Heavy Weights? It’s actually a really funny movie. Judd Apatow wrote it. No lie.