Tag Archives: satire

Michele Bachmann is the Reason I Drink

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It’s 8am and I’m already drunk.

I woke up early this morning. Before my alarm. For anyone who knows me, this is kind of a big deal. But I had this feeling that something big was going to happen today. Like, the spidey sense of comedy was tingling. I could sense the danger.

So I did what any good comedian does when they want to get the latest from what’s tickling society, and hopped on Facebook.

Here is what I saw:

This isn't even a tenth of them...

This isn’t even a tenth of them…

(Two of the stories in this picture are other liberal propaganda against Republicans. One of them was intentional, and one was not. The one that wasn’t was the Obamacare story. But Hell if I’m going to fix it now.)

I saw all this, and I started drinking. Not just because I’m an alcoholic, but because this is truly a sad, sad day for us.

YoungNotions is going to have to close up shop.

There is no way we’re going to be able to bring you the same quality articles we brought you in the past. I just did a search, and in just over 2 years of the comedy website’s posts, 3 pages of the results were about Michele Bachmann.

We brought you Michele Bachmann fellating a corndog.
We’ve shared in her crazy lies and crazy eyes.
We’ve discussed the restraining order on her from God.
We’ve reveled in her financial woes.
We’ve outed her jealousy of other women in politics.

And we’ve talked about Bill’s absolute and complete obsession with her repeatedly. And by we, I mean Bill.

But all of that is going away. Because Michele Bachmann is not going to run for re-election.

 

I actually have this pic in a YoungNotions folder on my desk for frequently used images.

I actually have this pic in a YoungNotions folder on my desk for frequently used images.

When I heard the news, I reached for the nearest bottle of alcohol (rubbing) and just downed the entire thing. I’m super angry. Angry that she’s making comedy harder on me. Angry that she’s removing the bread and butter of our comedy site. Angry that I’m going to have to start doing actual research on things going on instead of making cheap shots about how her husband is probably gay.

Actually, I think that joke is pretty lame. One, because I hate it when people tell me I’m a different orientation than I am, and Two, because it’s super lazy. Like, way lazier than either Bill or I. And that’s pretty lazy.

Mostly, I was angry that she didn’t wait until tomorrow to do so. Because tomorrow is both Bill’s turn to write the blog AND his birthday. It would have been the best birthday ever. Like a life sized hot chick made of chocolate with a boozy inside (I didn’t get him one of those, either). Instead, she’s like that awkward friend who ruins the surprise party by talking about how they’ll see the person being surprised the next day at the surprise party they don’t know about.

Way to ruin my husband’s birthday, Michele. Way to ruin YoungNotions. AND WAY TO RUIN AMERICA!!!

And my liver.

Heterosexual Awareness Month: A Thing That Actually Exists but not Really

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When I was 15 years old I had my first job at Rainbow Foods pushing carts and cleaning up dropped jars of baby food. I’d spend my lunch break in the breakroom eating something from the deli and reading a copy of Weekly World News –



The LAMESTREAM media never reported on how termites ate the Eiffel Tower.





I loved it. The articles about Bat Boy leading people on a high speed chase, interviews with a still alive Elvis, the so-right-wing-it’s-downright-fascist columns of Ed Anger. Made me laugh out loud in the breakroom. Whenever a coworker saw me reading it for the first time they’d just scoff and say “Are you retarded?” (it was the ’90s. People said the “R” word back then.) “You know none of that is true, right?”



Of course I knew it wasn’t true. It was a humor publication. They didn’t come out and say it was bullshit because that’s part of the joke. Stephen Colbert doesn’t begin each show by saying “I’m actually pretty liberal”. That’s how satire works. Granted, Weekly World News was a little ham-handed in their approach so most people didn’t get it.



That’s going to happen whenever you attempt satire, though. Whether you do it well or not, there’s always going to be some people that don’t get the joke. There’s a whole website dedicated to facebook posts of people who think Onion articles are real.



The reason I bring this up is that yesterday I found out about a facebook group for Heteroxexual Awareness Month –



We’re here! We’re straight! Oh… you’re already used to it? Okay.





This group has declared July “Hetero Awareness Month” and has been posting about hetero pride. Everybody’s pissed off about it. Each recent post is littered with comments of people fiercely debating gay rights. There’s a tumbler dedicated to posting screencaps of the group and commenting on how stupid they are, a buzzfeed article with the 20 most ridiculous posts on the group, forums and blog posts decrying the group’s obvious homophobia.



Seriously? This page is an obvious parody. They couldn’t be trying any harder to make it known that it’s an obvious parody. Look at this –



Do you really think they believe that celebrities are coming out of the closet in an effort to silence them? Really?





Come on. The very idea of homophobes trying to start a straight pride is pretty ridiculous, much less one that posts pictures like this –



Nobody wonders why there’s no hetero milk. This is a joke. They’re trying to make a joke.





Or this –



Every house needs closets. Otherwise there’d be clothes everywhere and you wouldn’t be able to hide Christmas presents.





I get why people are upset. There are homophobes out there that try to portray themselves as the victim. I’ve seen the whole “You claim to be tolerant but you’re intolerant of my belief that marriage should be between a man and a woman!” argument plenty of times before (which doesn’t make sense. To have “tolerance” you need an absence of “intolerance”. Being against gay marriage is “intolerant” so it’s literally impossible to be tolerant of that). This page, however, really ramps that view up to the degree where they think that there’s an actual threat on heterosexuals and they need to help people say it’s okay to be straight. It’s ridiculous –



Of course heterosexuals are everywhere. Nobody’s ever said otherwise.





Getting people to think heterosexuality is normal at a young age is all part of the straight agenda.





Parody, satire, troll, call it what you will. Whoever started this group obviously doesn’t actually believe this stuff and is trying to get some laughs. That has to be it. The only other explanation is that they’re incredibly stupid and hateful.

WATCH: Huffpo Falls Into Own Asshole.

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So I saw this Onion article pop up in my facebook newsfeed –





and I’m honestly surprised this hasn’t showed up on the Huffington Post comedy page.


Okay, I know I misspelled “Arianna” but that shitty photoshop took me like an hour to make and I don’t know how to fix it.


The Colbert Report can do a piece on it and then Huffington Post can link to that vid and it can all end up on Anderson Cooper’s “Rediculist”. The camera will pan out until it shows the whole scene taking place in a snowglobe in the hands of Al Franken.

Victoria Jackson is a Comedic Genius

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The mark of a true satirical genius is when they actually get you to think they believe what they’re saying. They become so entrenched in their character that you think they’re as crazy as they pretend to be. This Kaufman-esque dedication to the part is what makes it all the more hilarious when you realize that they’re in on the joke. The longer the performer is able to keep this charade going, the more people they’re able to draw in, the bigger the payoff.


I honestly think this is what Victoria Jackson is doing.


It’s perfect, when you think about it. She spent years on SNL doing funny-but-not-groundbreaking roles and bit parts and after a few minor roles in movies she completely disappears from the public radar. Come 2008, she’s on Fox News calling Obama a communist.


It’s weird to think about at first. Why is she on Fox News? She’s not a political commentator and she hasn’t worked in forever. Is Fox News just letting any comedian on if they’ll bash Obama? One would automatically think this is some sort of prank from Victoria (Ms. Jackson if you’re crazy). Knowing that people would think this was some sort of joke she starts doing some of the worst stand up imaginable to make people think she’s incapable of proper satire. Here she is telling street jokes for the Christian comedy DVD series “Thou Shalt Laugh”

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_eFuvNv5vsk&w=420&h=315]
Classic misdirection.


So after watching her “perform comedy”, you’re assured that this isn’t a prank. She actually believes what she says when she says dudes kissing on Glee is “sickening” and that “homophobia is a buzzword created by liberals”.


To take the gag even further she starts a conservative round table youtube show called “PolitiChicks” which is essentialy The View if The View was done by four housewives who were scared shitless of muslims and gays because of conversations they overheard from their husbands. Here’s the first episode.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EcCvvJWyx4c&w=560&h=315]


I suggest watching it twice. Watch it once thinking it’s just another conservative talk show. Kind of hard to get through, right? Now watch it again and realize that Victoria Jackson is fucking with them. Look at the way she hijacks the conversation 30 seconds in for a shitty, Islamophobic parody song that’s only half finished! At about 9 minutes in she actually says “Eric Holder and Janet Napolitano have dead eyes” as her eyes float around the room, making contact with nothing around her as if she doesn’t think her surroundings are even real! Fucking genius!


And now she was just on Fox and Friends explaining her political views like a concussed five year old and they fucking had to agree with her because she’s “a conservative”! It’s the perfect joke! She’s only on these shows to parody these people while they fucking nod their heads in agreement!


That has to be what she’s doing. The only other reasonable explanation for her behavior is that she’s an insane woman.